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Q: Boyfriend's Old Life Creeping Back

asked by: minerwater on December 10th, 2003

Experienced User

Hello, I have a recent dilema sorta that I need a little help on. I would ask my friends but I don't want them to have a bad opinion of him.

Before me, he lived with his ex-girlfriend, his best-friend and his girlfriend. These people are into raving and partying. I have no issue with that. His friend is a really nice guy but i'm starting to notice they really like their drugs too much. They find every excuse to get high. I'd say every time i've seen them they've at least smoked pot. With this, I don't have an issue...What I do have an issue with is their ecstacy usage. And my boyfriend was into it too. When we first started dating, he told me he's over it. That type of life style and culture is absaloutely not my thing. But these are his friends and I accept that but do not accept that he's been doing it too. He's only done it three times...Twice with me, once after he said he wouldn't and I told him after the last time I am not comfortable with him doing it and it's not part of my life style. He said he understands and won't do it anymore. Last night, he brought up doing e on new years. He says, "i can do drugs if I want" and I said, "that's fine, then you can celebrate by yourself because I won't be there..I'm not going to be around my boyfriend high when i'm uncomfortable with the situation" he said nothing but sighed a few times and fell asleep. I have to talk to him about how serious I am that this is not my choice in life style and I will not be with someone that does e and these people put nothing but a bad influence on him. What should I say to him that will really make him understand this is not cool with me and not seem like i'm telling him what to do but that if he chooses to be with me, he has to leave his past behind!

Replies(15)

LadyL

replied on December 10th, 2003

New User

Whoa

That's quite a situation. You must feel very frustrated. Alomst as though you think he might be choosing e over you. When I was younger, I did e and k every weekend. I loved the way it would make me feel, and it was always a good time. But eventually, I just grew out of it. I got annoyed with not being able to fall asleep when I wanted to, and stuff like that. But I had to grow out of it, no one could have made me stop doing it. How long has your boyfriend been rolling? Is it possible that he could/would just eventually grow out of it too? It is very difficult when only one person in the relationship wants to play around with drugs. I think that in time, he will be able to make a decision that you are what is important to him. You are what will be good for his life and future. E will just be in the past for good stories to share with people. One question though, you mentioned that you did e with him twice. Did you not enjoy it? As far a new years, you probably won't have fun if he is rolling, and you aren't. I would make it very clear to him that you want to spend new years with him, but to just have fun drinking, no drugs....

minerwater

replied on December 10th, 2003

Experienced User

Thanks for the reply.

No, I have only tried it once..The first time I saw him do it too.
This is not a habbit of his. He use to do it. But when we first started dating we hung around a different group of his friends that arent' into drugs. Then for the first time in august, we went to wemf (rave) in support of another group of friends because he was funding it and I didn't like it. I tried mdma and I don't want to do it again, and the culture of raves and the drugs are not in my taste!
Since we've moved in together and in the same city as these party friends..He's done it 3 times since august..2 times too many for me. And last time he did it was on halloween. He went to a party alone ( I didn't want to go) and promised he wouldnt do it cause I told him I didn't like him doing it. Instead he came home high. I was furrious the next day and told him I cannot live like this and it's not my life style. He said he'll not do it again. Then last night he mentioned to do it new years...And our first one together too! And I donno if it's him particularily but he just sits there sighing, laying on the floor, rolling his head in the back of his head and doesn't talk. This is uncomfortable for me to be around him.
I told him he'll be going alone if he doses. I am going to talk to him tonight about this situation and basically tell him to choose between a life (healthy life) with me or the party life cause he's not getting both. Not with me. It would be one thing too if it was once a year but it isn't...Been 3 since august.

nikki_caro

replied on December 10th, 2003

Extremely eHealthy

Hey minerwater. You need to give your guy a choice. If he knows your letting him get by like this, he will continue it. He might eventually grow out of it, but that might be like 4 years from now. Are you willing to wait that long? If he is wanting to do it over new years then I suggest you go somewhere else where you can enjoy that time. Because if you go with him, I can garantee he will do it, and you will be upset and you will be by yourself wishing you never went, youd rather be at home. Hes gonna be high and enjoying himself and he wont care if you are mad or not. Its just how it works. You need to tell him he has his priorities backwords. Its supposed to be you, then the other things. You need to tell him, if he wants to keep getting high forever until you finally breakup, then fine. Its how he wants it. And its his decision. He needs to see what is worth more to him, getting high on e or being with you. Maybe you should have him spend less time with his friends and more time with positive people who dont do drugs. Good luck.

minerwater

replied on December 10th, 2003

Experienced User

Thanks!
Well, I never want to say he cannot hang out with his friends. They don't see that much of each other and don't do e that often but I just don't want to be with and e head...What more can I say? It's not my choice in life style.
We're going to talk tonight..I'm just emotionally distraut all day over this hoping he isn't an ass. Other wise he'll see us dwindle or he'll be having lots of fun by himself!

I'm going to tell him that if he gets high or I know he will, i'll either not go or leave. Plain and simple. He does it this new years and i'm leaving the party.

LadyL

replied on December 10th, 2003

New User

Well you sound like a very strong person who will stand their ground. I hope your coversation with him tonight is productive. Just for another back up in your argument, you can mention to him that e tends to make him sit there sighing, laying on the floor, rolling his eyes in the back of his head and doesn't talk. The typical roll that people look for make them chatty, happy and very dancy. In my opinion, the e he is buying is pretty crappy and he's better off not doing it at all. Smile

minerwater

replied on December 10th, 2003

Experienced User

The other point of it is too that I love him and care what he's doing to himself. Imagine this.

You boyfriend/girlfriend says: "i don't do crack anymore but I might do it once in a while..."..What's different? It's still as dangerous..Just because so many people are doing it doesn't make it right.
I hate this!!!

I will let you know how our talk goes. But yes, i'm standing my ground. I've been in lots of problems with friends and family who've been and are in abusive substances and it's hard for me.

minerwater

replied on December 11th, 2003

Experienced User

Well, we resolved it. He will not be doing it on new years.
And he'll do it one last time and that is it.
I told him this is not a life i'm going to lead with anyone.

nikki_caro

replied on December 11th, 2003

Extremely eHealthy

Well thats good but I think he can go on without that last time

minerwater

replied on December 11th, 2003

Experienced User

Yes - but isn't there always a "last time"?

I'd suffer through a last time for a never again.
I just wsih these people weren't in his life and he had
decent friends.
He does but they don't live in the same city.

LadyL

replied on December 12th, 2003

New User

Yay!

Hi minerwater! I'm so happy for you that your talk with him went so well. Smile

now he knows exactly how much it bothers you, and you can be certain about his respect and feelings for you. Agreeing to one last time just shows that sometimes you have to give a little to get a little. Will you be joining him for his last time?

minerwater

replied on December 12th, 2003

Experienced User

Lol..He wants me to but I have no interest.
None.

LadyL

replied on December 12th, 2003

New User

Have a wonderful new years together! (e-free) Smile

minerwater

replied on December 12th, 2003

Experienced User

Haha..Thanks!
You too...The good new years part anyways!

LadyL

replied on January 8th, 2004

New User

New Years

Hi minerwater!
How did news years go with your boyfriend? Did it all work itself out fine?

Smile

minerwater

replied on January 8th, 2004

Experienced User

Thanks for thinking of me!
Yes - it went well...Everyone else was on drugs and honestly, I didn't enjoy myself much. It was boring too...And too long.
Oh well - apparently his friend says new years was his last time too. I don't believe it but it's good for him.

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