Dating Forum - Long-distance Relationship And a Crush On My Friend...

Hello all...I be new on these forums, so hopefully I won't sound like too much of a stupid newbie. Anyway, I wasn't quite sure where to place this topic - hopefully I wasn't too far off with the dating forum. Here's my story:

i've been dating a wonderful guy named "corey" for a bit over 4 1/2 months, and I love him like no other. He's everything I could ever ask for in a guy, and there's not one thing I would change about him (at least nothing I have seen so far). He's like a dream come true to me, and I just know thet we were destined to be together; yeah it sounds corny, but he's unlike anyone else i've ever known and I just can't imagine us not being together.

But here's my problem...I have begun to realize that I have a bit of a crush on my friend "bobby". I'll point out that corey is back in my home town, 500 miles away while i'm here in college. I met bobby about a month ago and got to be good friends with him since then; I know he doesn't care for me beyond friendship, even though he had done a couple of things before that made me really think that he did. What I feel for him is not an intense love...Hell, it's not even "love". It's just a crush, and i'm not even entirely sure why I am so drawn to him...He's got a nice personality and quite a few qualities I like in a guy. But I don't want to pursue him or anything...I want us to remain friends and that's it.

Bobby had asked me last night to try and start conversation with a girl that neither of us knows because he wants to date her; I just felt this sensation of coldness rush through my heart when he told me this - it was because of this stupid infatuation with him. I feel awful having this school-girl crush on my friend when i've got a boyfriend back home. I would never cheat on corey with anyone, so it's not that that i'm concerned about. I just don't want to get all giddy when i'm near bobby, which I have done once or twice, but I don't think he took the hint, which is good.

I'm not asking how to leave my boyfriend or how to tell my friend that I like him - all i'm asking is if any of you guys know how I can begin to forget these feelings for bobby. I don't want this crush to escalate. I know the reason why my heart is going out to bobby is because I feel so damn lonely without my boyfriend here, and bobby is the best friend i've made here thus far, and I think bobby is the kind of guy who's not afraid to get close to his female friends in a friendly way, if that makes any sense.

Any thoughts on this matter? I know I sound like an awful person, but i'm just wondering if anyone can tell me how I can start to forget bobby.

Replies(8)

~baby~g~

replied on November 10th, 2005

Experienced User

Hey! Well there is really no way you can forget about your friend. This happens to people all the time, it just happened to me not to long ago.

I've been with my bf for 10 months now & we broke up for a few weeks back in august/september & I was in the same situation as you. I had this friend that I had a major crush on. You know what I did? I got with him when I broke up with my bf, so you could pretty much say I broke up with my bf for this 'friend' of mine. Big mistake. It only lasted about 3 weeks. I just missed my bf sooooo much, and I knew he was the one for me! So I made a big mistake by getting with both of them & my 'friend' bf found out I had sex with my other bf & it was just a big mess. I regret all of this..But it only made me stronger & show how much I love my bf.

My advice to you is to just push your friend away a little, go out & find some friends that are females..People to talk to about your issues. If the guy friend tries to hit on you tell him to stop, even though it could be hard. When you're around him think about your bf back at home & how much you love & miss him, or even run memories of you 2 through your head.

I know you said you didn't wanna leave your bf but i'll tell you this anyways. Never leave the one you love for the one you like because they can leave you for the one they love. Also, most guys flip out when they find their girl hanging out with another guy. So, your bf could start to wonder if you & your friend are messing around. My bf is like that all the time but I love him & i'll never make the mistake of leaving him again.

I don't want you to make that mistake, because you don't deserve to be hurt. :)

im here if you need anyone to talk to!

<33 kayla

Cambion

replied on November 10th, 2005

Active User, very eHealthy

Thanks for the advice, babyg. In all honesty, because i'm such a tomboy, I make friends with guys a lot easier than I make friends with girls. My boyfriend knows this and he's totally cool with it - i've told him i'm friends with bobby and he trusts me. He knows I would never cheat on him, and I never would anyway, so he has no reason to be suspicious of me. It feels so awesome to be trusted...My ex-boyfriend never trusted me and would threaten any guys who looked as if they were hitting on me, even if they were his own friends. Corey is far more trusting in me, and that trust he holds in me is one of the many reasons why I love him so much. I know not many guys would be comfortable with their girl hanging with other guys.

I know at one point, I tried to get over my old crush on corey (before we began dating), but it was impossible because I was desperately in love with him for months, and I cried because I loved him so much but could not tell him. That's absolutely not how I feel about bobby - so I think it'll be a lot easier to get over my little crush on him. I guess i'll just take the situation a step at a time.

Thanks again for your thoughts, babyg - I appreciate it a lot.

Cambion

replied on November 13th, 2005

Active User, very eHealthy

I'm afraid I have a bit of bad news - bad news on my part. My friend bobby came to see me last night because I was feeling so upset and lonely, and everything started out innocently enough with just some simple conversation, but eventually bobby began putting the moves on me and started kissing my neck. I asked him to stop, but later when I was trying to poke him and he pinned my arms down, he had kissed me on the mouth. Because of my stupid crush, I admit I kind of wanted him to kiss me...Just once. But that one little kiss led to making out - I admit it was enjoyable because we were caught up in the heat of the moment and I just wasn't fully taking into consideration what was going on. Afterwards, I felt awful for what we had done and I cried in front of him. And at this point, I don't know if he's officially going to be mad at me forever because of what went on or not.

He told me he was used to being 'used', which wasn't a good excuse because I felt awful. I had made out with my friend and then he told me than he liked me to my face. I had told him after our kiss-fest that, while I found him to be a great friend with a wonderful personality, I was truly in love with my boyfriend. At first he seemed understanding, but from then until the time he left, I couldn't tell if he was being sarcastic with some of what he said or if he was being serious. All I know is that bobby is the only friend i've made here in college so far, and i'm so scared that he's going to hate me forever. If he did, I honestly wouldn't blame him...But I can only hope he will be able to forgive me.

He even had admitted that it was his fault for putting the moves on me and sort of seducing me when he knew I had a boyfriend, but I know very well it was both our faults - partially his for making the moves, and mostly mine for letting him go as far as he did.

All I know is I want to remain his friend, but I can't quite say just how probable that's going to be. I feel godawful pain in my heart knowing I cheated on my boyfriend (although I had always considered cheating to be claiming love for or sleeping with someone else when one is dating or married). I want to tell him so I can be truthful with him, but I also don't want to tell him because I know it'll break his heart. I swear, I did not intend for the events of last night to happen...Neither did bobby. He wanted to simply tell me how he felt about me, but we didn't plan on having it go as far as it did.

Sorry...I just had to vent. I feel so horrible now knowing i've been unfaithful to my boyfriend and I may have possibly lost my only friend.

sandyallen

replied on November 13th, 2005

Extremely eHealthy

Long distance relationships are difficult, I know, I have been there! There is nothing wrong woth having a male friend, yes, you made a mistake, now it is time to do what you feel is right. We all make mistakes!

Cambion

replied on November 13th, 2005

Active User, very eHealthy

Perhaps, sandyallen...But I just don't know what is the right thing to do. Part of me believes that the right thing is to come clean with my boyfriend so I won't need to harbor this awful secret forever, but the other part of me says that I should keep my mouth shut so as to avoid causing my boyfriend unnecessary emotional suffering.

I love my boyfriend, despite what I have done this past night. I have begun to tell him bits and pieces of what happened between bobby and i, such as bobby admitting he had feelings for me and him putting the moves on me, and kissing me. I have not told him that bobby and I had actually made out and that I enjoyed it somewhat. But what went on between us was purely physical - those kisses did not make me care for bobby more.

Honestly, my boyfriend was kind of accepting of what I have told him so far...I had told him that bobby kissed me after admitting he cared for me, and I had said something along the lines of "even if bobby had bound me and made out with me, I still wouldn't stop loving you because kisses aren't the same as real love"...I guess I sort of implied what happened. But I just can't find the courage to tell him the whole story just yet, if i'll tell him at all.

I'm upset knowing all this has happened, but i'm also upset that I have betrayed my boyfriend and may have possibly lost the only friend i've made in college. It's just so much heart ache right now and it's awful, but I know what happened was my fault, and I need to live with the pain i've brought upon myself.

~baby~g~

replied on November 13th, 2005

Experienced User

Hun, everything will be okay trust me. Just tell your bf & if he loves you then he will accept what happened, just don't let it happen again. You can't loose him. When you love someone then they will give you another chance.

When my bf & I was together for hmm about 6 months I cheated on him with a guy I barely knew, you know what? I called him & cried to him as soon as I got done. Just 2 days before that I lost my virginity to my bf. This guy kinda did what your friend bobby did..Just started doing it but i'm the one who let him continue to do it. In the end my bf accepted the fact, I mean yes he was upset but we love each other soo much! I learned from this & it will never happen again.

If this guy is really your friend he will understand but you will find out if he was a true friend on not...If he talks to you & wants to stay your friend then that's great but if he ignores you and doesn't talk to you then thats his loss. You seem like a great person.

My bf lives 1 hr n 10 mins from me..I don't get to see him everyday like I want to..Yes I miss him but i'm doing this because I love him & we know we can make it until we graduate to be married & live together. I graduate next year & he graduates in 2008, he's 17 & i'm 16..But he is the one for me & it sounds like your bf is the one for you. Remember he is still there...

Tell him everything though because if he finds out in the future then it may mess everything up with you because you didn't tell him right away..I'm here for you & good luck!

<3 kayla

ironmantaylors

replied on November 13th, 2005

New User

Up to You

When you are in a relationship you have to decide to be in it. Having friends of the other sex just make it harder on you, and confuse you with your true feelings. Most men and women find sex pleasureable so, if the opportunity presents itself......You may find it hard to resist.

Years ago I had a long distance relationship for 2 years. My girlfriend had a guy friend, she cheated, and dumped me because she did not feel worthy of me after that. She married the other guy, and spent the next two years literally in a living hell. He was abusive, controlling, manipulative, a real snake. My ex would call me and ask for help, I said I would and even arranged for her to get an apartment close to mine and help her with rent. She did never did use my help, but did get out of the marriage with bad credit, and nothing but clothes she was wearing. She had lost her self respect, her positive attitude, her twinkle in her eye. He killed her soul. It ruined her.

Her and I got married 2 years later, and after 5 years just got divorced. She never did trust me. She will never trust any man in her life, that I can see because of one problem.

True story. She will not take my help today, and she needs it. And I am moving on.

Cambion

replied on November 14th, 2005

Active User, very eHealthy

I decided that i'm not going to tell my boyfriend what went on between my friend and I - it's best if he doesn't know. But if the guilt overpowers me, i'll end up spilling the beans. I know I acted the way I did because I was so lonely - I may like my friend, but I don't love him. I admit, I enjoyed our little escapade, but the feelings I have for my friend are not even close to being as strong as the feelings I have for my boyfriend.

Long-distance relationships are a pain in the behind, but I don't ever want to give my boyfriend up - we love each other far too much to go our own separate ways in life. I might have a couple of crushes over the course of my college life, but no guy would ever be able to take the place of my boyfriend in my heart.

I really hope I don't let my loneliness take over my body again and I end up in this mess a second time.

Thank you all for your advice - I appreciate it very much.

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