Troubled and Abusive Relationships Forum - Controlling, Possessive, Jealous.

For those of you who are extremely bored and are in need of a novel online to put you to sleep, i'm going to explain to you why I haven't been online or selling fish all summer. I welcome emails about the situation i'm in. I need to know it isn't just me. 

a little background on this: I went to high school with him, and we were friends. I skipped school at his house. We had darn near everything in common. But we were just friends (he refuses to accept this, even now).
He "hit on me" several times, but I always had a boyfriend (i was never with a guy for less than 6 months). We had a great friendship, and we all know what happens when you "become involved." you lose that. We partied, hung out, he cheated off tests ... Etc.
Plus, I didn't see him "that way." he was a friend. 

things came to an end the time I brought a gf with me to skip at his house. They ended up in bed together and I left. Never went back. 
he ended up getting kicked out of school and I didn't see him again. 

until I was taking the test to enter the air force. He showed up to take the test to go in the navy. After the test, we talked a bit, and he asked if I had a ride home. His recruiter had given him a ride there and back...I was left to my own devices by the af. 

we went to his mother's. He made some food, we ate, sat on the couch watching tv, one thing led to another...He's the only guy who ever crossed "the friend zone." (if you're a girl, you know all about the friend zone) 
from there we became "the couple" I guess. I ended up going into the navy too. I don't even know why I switched. I guess to piss off my father, and to make my bf happy. there was no jealousy at that time; we'd meet up at his house or wherever the "party" was. Well, except one time when a guy picked me and my gf up hitchhiking. We ended up dropping her off (she had a bladder infection from trying to keep up with me drinking. I didn't believe she was really in pain.
I still feel bad about that) and I ended up partying with the guy until...I can't even remember. Bf swore the guy wouldn't have spent that much money partying without getting anything in return. I called bf every hour or two
to make sure he knew I wasn't doing anything. He was pissed by the time I showed up, even though he only acted "concerned for my welfare" while we were on the phone. 

back to the subject: this went on until it was time for him to go into the navy. At this time he asked me to marry him. We'd only been going out a couple months, and this seemed way too quick to me. Plus, I knew he was going into boot camp, and I know the first thing on a guy's mind after that length of time is a piece of tail.
He's going to cheat. Then i'll be in boot camp, and he'll be cheating. Best to just not do this; I can hurt alot now, or alot more later. I said no. 

I ended up seeing another guy within a month (only guy I ever went out with because I liked his car, and he liked me...I was young, and it was something to do I guess)...Then found out I was pregnant within another month. That ended up being my first encounter with physical abuse, but I regress. Now i'm going to confuse everyone if I say bf...Let's call them bf and carboy (can't call him a man if he felt it neccessary to beat on me).
Bf goes ua from the navy, finds out where I am, I spend the day with him. He goes back, gets in trouble. I didn't tell him I was preggers. Hadn't told anyone. Wasn't sure what to do. Knew I was too young to have a baby though. 

carboy solved that for me. We went to the bar with his uncle one night shortly after, had some drinks, went home. I talk entirely too much after a few drinks, and say everything that I feel. Told him I was pregnant. He was ecstatic until the moment I said "don't know why you're so happy, it isn't yours." have to be the smarta$$. He asked what I meant. I said "i'm 2 months pregnant and we've been together for a month. What does that tell you?"
that escallated into "who do you love more, me or him?" shouldn't have asked me that after i'd been drinking. I said "him." he proceeded to beat the crap out of me and I lost the baby. Got 4 stitches in my foot and two in my leg. 

I go into the navy, get kicked out, move to cleve. To be with the 1st ex-hubby, get pregnant. Move around, end up back home. Talk to bf on the payphone outside my house (i think my gf gave him my number and I figured payphone was safe?). Get preg again by 1st ex hubby, get married and have another kid. Move back to cleve. 

somehow I ended up talking to him again while with my 2nd ex hubby? I think one of my brothers gave him the number? Kinda hazy on how he always found me. We saw each other for a bit, until I realized I was paying for phone bills and gas to go back and forth from cleve to toledo, and he always promised to pay me back but never did. I was hooked up with one dead beat loser, didn't need another. Cut it off. 

this is where the craziness begins, and why I can't understand why he is this way. 

I left my non-working loser husband in feb. 2003. Moved back to toledo. Was alone, didn't date or anything. I decided that I obviously have "loser radar" and I can't trust myself and my decisions on men to date. So I don't. 
until i'm told that "i'm too picky." so, about nov. 2004 I start going out with another loser (gotta love my radar!). After 2 weeks he needs to move in. Don't pay for squat, tries borrowing money, drinks my wine ad-nauseum. After two weeks I say "i don't think this is working out; you need to leave." he keeps coming around. Then I end up going to cleve and sleeping with 2nd hubby on xmas eve. what. 

by new years, this is over. I'm taking vet tech classes, doing good. Everything's fine. 17yo daughter is back and forth to cleve with her bf. Everything is settled, and comfy. Then it happens. Bf shows up. 

i'm laying in my daughter's bed june 1 of this year (2005) while she's in cleve. With her bf (probably making my first grandchild), with my 11yo son trying to talk me into getting up and making them (11yo and 5yo) pancakes. I'm trying to convince him that I will "in 15 more minutes." lol 
there's a knock on the door. It's him. We talk, he asks if I want to go to a drive-in later, he just got into town. I say sure. 

we do the drive-in, he stays the night. The next day we all go to the park. I'm thinking "this is great! He actually likes doing stuff that includes my kids!" that was a sunday. My 17yo daughter was supposed to get home that night because I have classes mon-thurs night and she watches her younger brother and sister for me. Bf spends the night and she's late. She gets back mon, after i'm already on my way to school. Bf takes the 5yo for ice cream until the 17yo shows up. 

he tells 17yo he's taking me out after class, and she says "great! At least someone's getting her out of the house!" she lives to regret those words, trust me. 

his psycho ex-wife has him picked up for child support (and she is. I will vouche for that. She's trying to get $1,300 a month for 1 child, when he doesn't even make that a month!!! Much else, but it doesn't have anything to do with what i'm discussing here). I end up giving the title to my car to a lawyer to represent him. A friend bonds him out. 

this is where the fun begins. He is staying here, but puts nothing toward the bills. I pay the bills when I can, and if I have any money and don't pay the bills, he finds a reason why he needs it. I have barely enough to survive. He makes sure i'm broke. He gets paid, he gets a hotel room until he's broke. There was a period of time there at first, the first month, when I didn't have food. He did buy us food then. 

he wants me with him all the time (except every two weeks when he gets paid and gets a hotel room...Then he's off the map). If i'm not, he calls every 1-2 hours. He finds things for me to do for him, or reasons why I need to be with him. 

we actually got into an argument because my children and I had no clean clothes. I just wanted to stay home, clean the house and do laundry. We fought over this. He couldn't see why my 17yo couldn't do this. She's 17, she should be able to get the 11 and 5 yo up for school, off to school, clean the house, care for them when they come home, cook their dinner, do the dishes, give them bathes, put them to bed, and do our laundry.
You know, all the things i'm supposed to do. "they're old enough. You should have time to yourself." which means "you should be by my side. If it has nothing to do with me, don't do it." 

at first I think "this is cute. It's the new relationship. It'll cool down after the first couple months. He won't want me around as much." haha. Jokes on me. It's worse than ever. 

he decides that we should move to fla so he can work down there. Lots of painting work down there. I say I can't leave until my classes are over. He makes a big effort acting as if this is also important to him, so we'll stay until the end of the quarter. By the end of the quarter, he decides that we'll stay here because i'd have to start all over down there. I'm sure there were other reasons, though. He does nothing if it doesn't serve him. 

I have to pack up my homework and try to do it on his jobsites, plus go get anything he needs, and help whenever he needs me (he even paid me twice. :-{). I end up getting a d in one class, because I just don't have the time. 

the whole child support thing ends up with work release. Now he has a reason. I have to pick him up and drive him around all day. 7am-5:30pm. I pick him up and drop him off in the morning, come home, get the kids off to school, then go to him. Get him lunch. Drive him around. The kids walked home themselves and were alone until I showed up until it started getting cold and I put my foot down. Now I pick them up, take them home, and go back to him. 

I figured getting the d in that class would knock me out of rotation, so I wouldn't have to worry about school until next year. They make an exception for me because i'm a good student, and they're offering the course the next quarter. He says "yeah, go ahead and retake it. Shouldn't be a problem." 
the one wise choice I made. I, and he, knows that if I retake that class and don't pass it this time, it's over. You get 2 shots. If you don't pass the second time you're out. I took a personal leave because I know I won't be able to handle the stress of the classes. I'm not even "allowed" enough time to take care of my house and children!!! Just pray to god I can restart my classes next spring!!! 

i'll fill in more as I remember in this section. I'm tired now and my fingers hurt. I'll get to the current situation. 

he's been separated from his wife for, he says over a year. He still calls her 2-3 x's a day. She told him she was going to the races. He accused her of screwing someone. what? We're together, they aren't, he's accusing her of "cheating" while he's here with me shackled to his ankle all day every day, and accusing me of cheating if i'm away from him for more than an hour!!! I'll fill in the wife part later. I'm tired, and it's been more than 2 hours since his last call... 

we drove by a bar. There was a dog sitting in a car. He said "how could someone, knowing they're going to a bar, bring their dog?" that poor dog's gonna sit in that car for a couple hours. He has me sitting in a car 9 hours a day. That's ok. So, he feels that on the food-chain, i'm lower than a dog. 

he got mad at me, because he gave me $460. $50 was for my kid's halloween costumes. $50 went into the gas tank (he was having me drive 100 miles a day). He had me pick up his paint sprayer, costing $150. That leaves $200. I put $100 toward the phone bill, spending the rest on dog food, cat food, fish food, bought pizza because I was just too damned tired to cook dinner (plus, what do you have time to cook for the kids when you aren't home until 5:30pm?), plus other odds-n-ends things that I needed. He threw a fit because I got cat and fish food. The cats were without food for two days...And since my money's spent within two days of it showing up, what choice did I have? 

he's mad because i'm a night person. I don't like to get up in the morning. But, he wants me up in the morning. 

if I complain that I don't have time to do the things around the house that need to be done, it's an issue. If I complain that i'm tired, i've found someone else. 

some guys came and painted the outside of the house. He calls me every couple hours, asking if they're in the house, what they're doing. They must've drank some beer in the back yard, because there are beer cans back there. Now i'm screwing someone. The most conversation I had with the guys was to have them ask me if I could turn the spigot (sp?) on so they could rinse their brushes, and where's an electrical outlet they can use. But, there's beer cans so i'm screwing at least one of them. 

his friends are even telling him to leave me alone for a while. What does he do? Double the amount of calls to me. To yell at me and accuse me of cheating. I can't be tired. I sit in a car 9 hours a day. How can I be tired? 
the two days that I don't have to drive him for 9 hours, he calls with at least 3 things for me to do. If I complain, i'm screwing someone, or we should just break up. 

everywhere we go, I don't see guys dragging their gf/wife around with them. The guys that work for him don't have their gf's there. His friends don't bring their wives/gf's with them. It seems like he would figure out that this is totally unneccessary. 

what I love is, even after we've been together literally all day, he still has to call me at least twice. And then gets pissed because i'm so quiet: "who's there?" what. After being together for 9 hours...You call 1/2 hour later.
 uh, i'm here, I walked in the door, brought everything in from the car I now live in (usually at least 2 trips), looked in the fridge, still no food, wondering what to feed the kids. You're eating, or have eaten. 
our lack of food does not concern you, and if I mention that I haven't been able to go to the grocery store, we'll fight. What is there to talk about? 
I have to do dishes and laundry. But that isn't your problem, so I won't bring it up. What else is there??? 
oh, that's right...I'm cheating. That's the main topic. Always. I have time to cheat. I actually put a number thing on my door so the guys stop fighting about who showed up first to screw the girl who just got home, hasn't showered in days, whole body's breaking out, stinky, same clothes as yesterday, stringy hair, tired, stressed, .... Yeah, she's hot!!!! 

I actually got b!Tc#d out one morning because he called me and woke me up, saying he needed _____ (fill in the blank with something that was not urgent, and he really didn't need, and possibly never even used). I ate breakfast before I left the house. What was on my mind eating breakfast???? He was not hungry. How dare me!!! 

he gets mad if, after 3 days of not being able to take a shower (that cuts into "his time") I complain. I should find time at night. Get home at 5:30, try to feed the kids, give them bathes (that only happens 1-2 x's a week anymore...Same with my showers) make sure all the animals are fed, check for homework, do any cleaning, dishes, laundry, get the kids to bed at 10...You should try it, it's fun. And, before all of that, I have to get everything ready to take with me in the morning. His stuff comes first. Get the coffee pot ready, so it's there for him as soon as he opens the door, any emails he needs copies of, anything else I have to grab for him. That comes first before anything else.
I'm up until at least 2am trying to finish all this every day. Then up at 7am to pick him up. Weeeeeeee! But, he can't figure out why i'm up so late. I must have a house full of guys, throwing raging parties every night. 

I should just go home, get all of his stuff ready for him first and foremost, eat the food that magically appeared on the dishes that magically cleaned themselves, take a shower, put on the clothes that magically cleaned themselves, and go to bed. The children? They're 11 and 5. They can take care of themselves. 

if I complain about him "borrowing" (it never comes back) my money, he says "we're a couple, why is it your money? Shouldn't it be our money?" but, his money is his money, and I shouldn't speak about what he spends it on. He worked for it, he should be able to enjoy it. 

he asks me how I am, what i'm doing. But he doesn't listen. If I bring up anything that isn't directly related to him, he blocks it out. I'm tired. I haven't been to the grocery store in 3 weeks. I haven't showered in 3 days. We have no clean dishes. We have no clean clothes. I'm f'ing tired. Doesn't matter. What does that have to do with him? What does this mean? Do I want to split up? Is that it? 

I don't dare mention my fish, doing water changes, updating my website, etc. I'm guessing this a source of income...So it should just go away???? 

I love him, but this is wearing very thin. This doesn't feel like love, this feels like control, possession, and jealousy. I don't have time for me. I'm not me. Me got shoved right out of the picture. 

my answering machine should say: you've reached ____'s chauffer, receptionist, secretary, gopher, accountant, maid, cook, assistant, add positions ad-nauseum. I'm either with ____, doing something for ____, or on the phone with _____.
You can leave your name and number, but good luck on my getting back to you. I'll check _____'s schedule and see if I can fit you in. Don't hold your breath. 

what bites my butt is I do this for free! Better yet, I pay for it!!! All you ppl looking for a good assistant at a reasonable wage, you really missed out! I pay to do these things for him, just for being in his presence!!! 

I should do everything for him. Everything he wants, when he wants it. Nevermind what i, or anyone else wants or needs. That is irrelevant. And i'd better not complain about it. Service with a smile. Everything isn't enough. There's always more. 

is anyone else seeing what i'm feeling??? stomkat at yahoo dot com. Please, comment. :-p 

i've now been working on this for over 2 hours. Which has taken my laundry and fish feeding time. I'm going to get chewed out tomorrow for being tired. 

i've been researching jealous, possessive and controlling men for the last month. None of their relationships end well it seems. Especially when the woman doesn't appreciate being controlled, and actually has a brain. I joke that i'm a dumb blonde...But i'm not naive. 

it really gets better than this. I'll fill in more later. Right now it's 1:30am, and I still haven't washed the kids' uniforms or fed my fish. I'll fill in as I steal the time from myself. 

watch for my name in the toledo ohio news! Sherri, nov 6, 2005