Depression Forum - I Am New, Major Depression And Anexity

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Q: I Am New, Major Depression And Anexity - Need Help

asked by: PSM on December 9th, 2003

New User

Hi, I am new here and I need a lot of help, here is my story.

In 1997 I was diagnosed with depression and anexity and it was really bad. I lost my job over it as couldn't even function to work. It lasted about 3 months and then the meds kicked in and I guess the therapy helped.

Then they took me off the meds a year later, jan, 1998. I then got engaged in march of 1998 and had a small eposide of depression and went right back on the meds and got better real quick that time.

Well here I am again, 2003, 30 years old, married 4 years and just had a baby boy, 2 1/2 months old. Well as soon as he was born the depression/anexity came back full force. The worst it has ever been. It seems any life changing events (good ones even) I get this. My feelings are this: no interest in the baby, scared of not taking care of the baby properly, very overwhelmed, hopeless, helpless, scared, can't concentrate, have no effort or motivation for anything, scared, fear of leaving the house alone, scared of never getting better as I have been trying to get help for 2 1/2 months now and nothing has worked. I went to an out patient program, didn't work. I went to an inpatient program, didn't work. They have been changing my medicine and still not working. I cry all the time. I went back to work on nov. 17th and lasted a half day and felt like I had a major anexity attack and had to leave work. I am a legal secretary in a one person office. My boss has a temp well I am out and when I went back everything was different and I felt like I didn't know anything and like I was in a foreign country and couldn't comprehend or handle it at all. He says he is holding my job but who knows for how long.

I am extremely worried about money as I need to work for my husband and I to make ends meet so that is totally on my mind.

Right now the baby is in daycare (even though we can't afford it) I can't handle taking care of him by myself. I can't handle anything.

All I want to do is sleep all day.

I do have to pick up my son every day from daycare and it is very hard for me as I have an anexity attack everytime I walk in there or even when I leave the house.

Even when I am with my husband and we go to the mall x-mas shopping I get so very overwhelmed looking in all the stores and I can't handle it.

My husband is absolutely wonderful but this is taking such a toll on him emotionally and physically. He never ever gets sick and now he keeps getting sick. He usually is a very happy go lucky person and doesn't get stressed easily at all and I can tell he is miserable. I even offered to leave him and he cried.

Sometimes I think it would be better if I just wasn't alive anymore but no, I would never hurt myself or my baby for that matter.

My mother-in-law and mom seem to be getting annoyed with me as they think I should just snap out of it and get back to work already. They said to go in one day this week while the temp is there but I can't bring myself to do it.

I feel so helpless and hopeless and like I will never get better.

Please help me

Replies(12)

Amberlee123

replied on December 9th, 2003

Experienced User

Hi, I am sorry you feel this way. As it seems so familiar. I can honestly say I know how you feel and I have had the same thoughts myself. I am a 22 year old mother of 2 pregnant with my third now. I was diagnosed with depression eight years ago, on and off medications and therapy. Sometimes I feel like the only thing that has kept me alive is my children. I want you to know this can and will pass. Not to long from now you will not even recognize this person you feel now. I'm not sure why god made us this way, I would say this post partom depression thing had to be a design flaw when he was making women. Yet we are the strongest creatures on earth. You will eventually gain more desire to care for your new baby. You must take care of yourself, if you do not then you cannot take care of anyone else either. What is it you like to do, what makes you feel good? You must do something for yourself. Get a manicure, buy a new dress, paint a picture whatever it is do it. Put a smile on your face. I know this sounds impossable to you ( a smile) but even a fake smile can turn real. You can feel however you want to. This is not easy sometimes but you control your emotions and feelings. As for your husband, he is more than likely feeding off of your emotions plus he feels bad for not having any way to help you. Men feel useless if they can't fix what is broken. Let him know how you apreciate him specificaly. You do not want this depression to leak into his soul. Think of the depressions you have had before, this one will leave too. Maybe you should put on your hottest office suit, do your hair and make-up a lil different and walk into your office. Walk in with the confadence of a cat. Walk tall and sexy, speak strong and clear, and give the temp a little wink to let her know who is in charge of that desk. Let them know when you will be back. And continue to get out of the house. Staying in the house will only make you more sick. Please get out of the house. Much luck and know that you are needed and loved by your husband and child.

PSM

replied on December 9th, 2003

New User

Thank You

Amberlee:

thank you for your reply and caring enough to do so. Congrats on the new pregnancy and best of luck. God bless you.

I can't even handle the one I have. I believe this is part post portom and part of my depression from years ago.

Everything I enjoy doing does not give me enjoyment any longer. I use to love to read, can't concentrate to do so. Went and got my nails done yesterday and didn't do anything for me. I love certain shows on t.V., don't even watch them as can't concentrate long enough to do so. All the other stuff I love to do can't afford right now anyway but nothing gives me enjoyment right now for some reason.

I am so very scared to go into work, it is such a small office, it is my boss and the temp and one other attorney and secretary. I am trying to leave the house but I am so paranoid to do so, don't know why. I mean I pick up my baby from daycare everyday whcih is even a struggle and I am paranoid when I walk in there. I was out yesterday but didn't make me feel better.

My husband and I have to go pick up the baby's pictures tomorrow night so it will be good that he is with me when I am out but I will still be paranoid I am sure.

I can't wait to look back at this and laugh and have the old paula back. This really sucks.

Thanks for listening and hope all is well with you.

Amberlee123

replied on December 10th, 2003

Experienced User

How are you paranoid? What is it you are scared of? Or do you even know? Sometimes we don't know.

PSM

replied on December 13th, 2003

New User

I don't know, I am scared of everything. I am paranoid of going out and people looking at me like they know something is wrong with me. I guess I am scared of not remembering how to do my job and not taking care of my baby good enough etc., etc.

qt3

replied on December 17th, 2003

Experienced User

Psm-
look and see if your local university has a cbt program as these are often free of charge there. Short of that you could pick up a copy of my favorite book on cbt and overcoming anxiety and depression and if you guys dedicate yourself to the tools together it will change your life. It called been there done that? Do this! By sam obitz

it's all about using the tools to learn to think more clearly and accurately about things and once you do your panic anxiety and depression will miraculously begin to lift before your eyes. Good luck!

Q

PSM

replied on December 17th, 2003

New User

Thank you so much

qt3

replied on December 18th, 2003

Experienced User

psm wrote:

thank you so much

psm-
you're welcome and I hope it is helpful :d
please keep us posted and have a happy holiday Exclamation

piecekeeper2502

replied on December 24th, 2003

New User

Hello,

i noted in your story you were on medication for depression and anxiety for about a year before they took you off your medication. Can I ask you what type of medication you were on?

I noted you had another bout of depression and went back on the medication. The medication made you better. My question is how did you feel when you were taken off the medication? After you started the medication, how long did it take till it worked again?

A lot of questions I know, but my doctor has had me on my medication since my bout with severe depression. I learned bouts of depression keep coming back, certain things can trigger them. When you stay on the medication, you can handle the bouts much easier. My doctor feels its sort of a way of life. I don't like it, but what other choice do I have?

As a man I don't have the children problem you have. I did have the same feelings you had, no interest in anything, hopeless, fear, couldn't concentrate, fear of leaving the house, fear of going around people and holding my job was tough because I had to hide a condition i'm sure everyone could see through.

I remember one time my wife forced me to go out of the house and I hid on the car floor so I couldn't see where we were going. When she went in to shop I stayed lying on the car seat and when she didn't come out as fast as I thought she should, I went in the store looking for her.

I thought I was going crazy. My mind would go in circles. I couldn't sleep so I layed on the bedroom floor every night and tossed and turned. I prayed over and over and I read the bible. I truly felt my wife would have to commit me. I wanted to die.

After three months my medication kicked in. I slowly started eating, I slowly started going out and I slowly pulled out of the depression without counciling. Family doctors like to give medication but certain health plans don't want you to get counseling.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe you'll have to continue some form of medication for depression. I hate taking it because I feel everyone will say how weak I am. But, what choice.

Your husband has been a wonderful support tool for you. My wife was mine. Without them what would we do?

People who don't understand depression will tell you to just to knock it off. My wife kept telling me to pull out of it. You know how hard that is.

Believe me, it does get better, but the meds do help, truly they do. I'm currently on effexor xr. Even your job will go better if you have some type of help. For my anxiety I take a nerve pill. Zanex. Hate that as well but I feel normal when the pill kicks in.

All we want is to live normal.

Good luck, merry christmas from one who understands.

purple333

replied on December 25th, 2003

Extremely eHealthy

I've had a life with lots of downs & few ups so have suffered depression, anxiety, stress etc for over 40 years. My daughter was born when I was 33 after 2 miscarriages I was so scared of losing/hurting her I know what you mean by paranoid, but after losing 2 more plus my sons twin I had him when almost 40 & I was even worse but then so was my general health (i'm now basically lightly disabled). I was working until he was almost 2 at which time I was medically retired.

I'm lucky I was never as bad as you but I also had (& have) people who say "just get over it" or "don't be so ridiculous" when i'm down or can't/don't do something because of depression. You have to be firm, or get your husband to be firm for you with your mother & his, if they won't/can't help then they need to be told to butt out & not make things worse.

Like a couple of the others I wonder why since you keep having the same problem you're not being left on medication? Personally I have never found any meds that help me but more natural therapies have. You could try natural therapies but still be on meds so long as you tell your dr what you're taking/doing.

I also agree you must tell your husband how much you appreciate his support & let him know that you are actively seeking help (here for a start) so that he knows you'er trying to get better & that will give him hope etc.

You do have to learn to care for your baby but first you need to care for you, but sometimes the two can go together, like for example could you start with a small step & put the baby in his pram & take him for a short walk, say once a week, when your husband is home & you both know he'll come & get you if you'er not back in 15-20 minutes? Something like that, little with support at hand but good for you both.

A couple of things you might look into are 5htp (supplement of tryptophan which reduces stress chemicals in the brain) dhea (another supplement which has many benefits & is worth checking out & finally a site which i've found useful for medical info (they sell stuff but you don't have to buy you can just get the information) the life extension foundation www.Lef.Org

as to work, I understand the financial need to work & the fears & guilt etc
of not being able to, but your husband & son & you will be better off if you get better then return to work rather than returning to work too soon & having to keep leaving. Take your time & heel. If you had a broken leg you would, so think of this like having a bit of you broken that needs time to mend.

I bet those photos are adorable (first santa photos?) & I pray you will have a wonderful christmas & new year. Life will be better again & your son won't suffer from this because he won't remember it & by the time he can remember things you'll be fine.

PSM

replied on January 19th, 2004

New User

Depression

Thanks to all who have replied. I am sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you but I have been struggling and I am back at work and I am starting to adjust better now.

To answer everyones question about medicine and why they took me off, the only time I was taken off medicine was in 1998 after I had taken it for a year and it was only my first bout with depression. Since 1998 I have been on medicine and never taken off again. They just had to switch my medicine when I became pregnant from celexa to zoloft as celexa hasn't been approved for pregnancy and zoloft has. I have taken zoloft before so it is no big deal, so, when I got the depression back after the baby, I was taking medicine.

I am currently on effexor xr and an anexity medicine which I forget what it is called.

I am doing a lot better then I was but I still have my moments and it is still hard adjusting to a baby, working etc. I feel I have no time for anything and that is what I am struggling with now. And when I do have time I am either tired or feel it is too much work to have to pack up the baby and go. But I am trying and doing what I need to do. I am working full time etc.

Thanks every one for your replies and for listening.

PSM

replied on January 19th, 2004

New User

Depression

qt3

replied on January 22nd, 2004

Experienced User

Good to Hear From You!

Thanks for the update hope you continue to feel better.

Q

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