Stress Or Something Worse?

(sorry this is so long...)

ok, so here is my problem: my marriage has hit a rough patch and it feels serious. But, i’m not sure and feel the need to get others’ perspectives on this (especially from women). Given our social circumstances, an ingrained sense of stoicism in both of us, and the shame of being exposed for not being the perfect couple, it is difficult to approach those around us. (we are also transplants with no really good friends close by.) so, i’m going to post this in several locations to see if I can’t get some useful info/advice.

She is 35, has a high-paying career in the car business, has a work ethic of biblical proportions and always had a huge capacity for withstanding stress without having to employ techniques to cope. She is gregarious and charming, able to win people over instantly, but has never had many close friends. She is methodical and practical, spending much time trying to get all things, including our life, in order. In many ways she is the strong one: talking sense in dark times, keeping me from doing something rash, managing the details of life.

I am 35, run our business, which was started 18 months ago and is increasingly successful with bright prospects. Despite this occupation, I am eccentric and creative and until about 4 years ago was destined to be a college professor. I was making great progress on my dissertation and then was diagnosed with thyroid cancer, which was treated easily by removal of one lobe. The event seemed to trigger profound, radical but insidiously gradual emotional-intellectual changes. I truly believe my intelligence declined considerably and I have often, although not consistently, displayed symptoms of depression and anxiety. I am not dysfunctional and, in fact, have thrived from the perspective of others although I have a great deal of grief associated with my lost path in life. (i still maintain hope for an intellectual reawakening).

Up until a few weeks ago, I thought our marriage was great. We have sex regularly, all of it good, some of it great. We are athletic and young for our age, adventuristic but overworked. We show each other affection and communicate fairly well, although stress levels occasionally lead to overheated tempers. (we are not chronic arguers and violence is unthinkable.) we are classic suburban but strong-willed dinks, although we had always assumed we’d eventually get around to having kids.

Beginning a few weeks ago, we started getting into arguments with a different quality. She displayed a thoroughly uncharacteristic viciousness. We have always argued about things, acts, and events, but during these 3 fights, she seemed to have a real problem with me as a person. On each occasion, she had been drinking…she is a moderate wine drinker…i do not drink more than one or two at a time and then only rarely. After passions had cooled, we discussed it and she told me that my unhappiness (which is real but not at all related to my marriage…it is hormonal/physiological) is causing her to be unhappy. Moreover, she believes I cannot be happy until I return to what I was intended for intellectual pursuits. We then both agreed that is was time to get serious about my glandular condition and I have agreed to tell my doctor of the psychological issues and ask for aggressive treatment. The goal here is to try to reawaken the old me to make me happier so I am not making her unhappy. I don’t doubt the truth of this…we both agree we don’t want to divorce, have continued to show love and intimacy, and have had several meaningful follow-up discussions. I also realize this will help me enormously and do accept the axiom that you can’t make others happy if you are not happy yourself.

But, I don’t think this is the end of the story. I think she has some “issues” of her own, although I am sure I am a primary contributing factor. I believe extreme stress afflicts her. To illuminate this contention, I have to outline the last 18 months of our lives. About the same time we were opening our business, my wife’s job at her old company was eliminated. She was deeply hurt by this and was disturbed that it took several months to find another, not as good job. (i think her self-esteem was crushed and has yet to recover.) she soon quit the job (lots of scumbags not enough compensation) took another job only to quit it after engaging in some heavy duty “office politics” and to come out the loser. With these defeats and a lagging business, we decided it would be a good idea to sell everything and relocate somewhere else. So she got a job in s. Fla. And we tried a commuter’s marriage while I put our affairs in order. We took turns travelling so that we did not let a single weekend go by without seeing each other. During that time our business began to pick up and the lure of south florida weakened a bit, so we decided to reverse course. We both concluded that it was not a good arrangement, although she was showing growing signs of problems while away…obvious signs of stress and proclamations of misery at the physical separation. As luck would have it, about two months ago she was offered a job back here, she took it and started about a month ago. So everything should’ve been peachy. It’s an excellent job, likely to fulfill many of her needs once filled by the original job. The problem is that her melancholy has not abated.

There is one more piece to the puzzle: a few of months ago, her mother was forced to move in with us. I always knew she was a difficult person to get along with, but I now knew she is a malevolent beast. She is rude, abrasive, insensitive, and selfish. She has not contributed as a member of our household and barely conceals her desire to get as much from us as possibly while contributing as little as possible. I try, with considerable success, to minimize conflicts between her and i…i avoid contact, refuse to acknowledge her provocation’s, etc. But, there are unavoidable frictions and my wife seems to act as a diplomat when her mom and I have issues and, perhaps more importantly she and her mom argue at least once a night, usually because of something small but justified (i.E. Like leaving a cereal dish under her bed) which then leads to rage by dear old mom, who obviously feels persecuted.

So, what I think is that my wife has been subjected to an enormous level of stress, which has only continued to build since she arrive home. And, I suspect she may be near the end of her stamina. What I need to know is if anybody has experienced something similar. Is it typical for stress to trigger feelings of marital dissatisfaction; do stressed women display depression-like symptoms; is it likely that she is depressed? (we are not the kind of people who would say “yes” if asked such a question); what has helped women get through such periods of life? How likely is it that she has some deeper, darker problem with our marriage?

We are actively trying to improve matters. I am trying to quietly remove stresses from her life, including little nuisances as well as taking the necessary steps to reduce the burden I place upon her by treating my condition. We have decided to remove her mother from our home by buying her a condo…my wife was ready to kick her out but we decided on a more humane option. We are actively arranging our lifestyle to allow for more sleep, better food, more exercise. I only hope we are able to turn the pressure cooker down.

I am also haunted by the thought too much damage may have already been done. We both say we want to fix things, but both agree that we can’t go on being unhappy. I’m sorry this is so long and I hope the core concerns are not lost in the detail. I appreciate any insights. Thank you.