Hi,

i think I may be dealing with a bpd in addition to bipolar ii. In my case
it is my husband, and he is high-functioning. He is also taking lamictal which has suppressed the raging, mostly, and kept him from plummeting. He is no longer in therapy as he says that, "they are all idiots anyway, it never helped me!" garbage in, garbage out. He never told them what was really going on and certainly has never followed up on any of the suggestions, readings, movies, etc. That were brought to his attention.

I should credit my mother who was a psychiatric nurse for handing me, "i hate you, don't
leave me!" and saying she thought I would recognize a lot of things.
She was right, I did. I brought it up with his then-therapist
(possibility of bpd) and was pooh-poohed.




However due to continuing weirdness through the years (we've been
married 12, one daughter 12, one son 7) I am pretty certain i'm
correct.




I don't even know where to begin, so i'll let that go for now.




As far as maintaining boundaries i've always done a fairly reasonable
job of it. I haven't given up my hobbies, despite being accused of
putting them ahead of him; I hyphenated my name rather than give it
up entirely (that has been thrown at me as "you never really married
me". Kind of funny, I told him that was my decision before we wed;
if that was a dealbreaker he shouldn't have married me!); we
separated once due to a rage episode on his part that was
directed not only at me, but children in the house (niece and
daughter), we've reconciled only because I was concerned that he
could somehow convince a court that he should have custody of them--
don't ask me why, he's been hospitalized once for telling a
psychiatrist that he wasnted to die (drama at the worksite. After he
got out he told me, "all the doctors and nurses know that you are the
reason I am crazy--you are such a horrible person!" truly
bizarre.). I have determined that as that was my first time
responding to a rage episode, rather than sitting there either "deer
in the headlights" silent, or trying to reasonably and rationally
talk with him, that from here on out it will be handled differently.

Oh, I had him removed by the police; took him to court. What he said
to my niece was horrible, and I told him that that very night (you
are 4x years old--no 10 yo girl should be called a c***, I am ashamed
of you, you owe her an apology, and I am taking her home and taking
the kids with me." he hasn't apologized to her yet. He thinks i'm
going to invite her over again and then he'll do it. Uh-uh. Get off
your butt and write an apology or call her. He has yet to ask me for
the information. I did call his therapist that night, told her what
happened. Her observation, "h lost his temper." well, no kidding!




Funny story. He has written a letter of apology to my parents, once. Got my mother's name wrong. Nor has he followed up with any of his promises to do something, anything! Differently to heal the breach that he made with them. (his words, not mine)

this is the same therapist who during a marital counseling session
turned to my h and said, "h, you've been saying a lot of hurtful
things, your wife is trying not to cry, she's clearly upset, she's
been working very hard throughout this session (then 3 yo in and out
of room--couldn't play with toys in waiting room with sister you
know) and you have yet to acknowledge her, and she's scared, she's
starting to hyperventilate--you are yelling and have your fists
clenched." his stunning reply, "sometimes I have to show her the
hand of god!" all that time I thought he was bonkers, instead, he's
a bully. Incompetent therapist asked me to wait outside for a few
minutes (i should've left!) and when I went back in, told us to hug
one another! Unreal.




Anyway. He's been trying to cut me off from my friends and family,
but it doesn't work. He talks about moving to remote area of world
(pick a spot, doesn't matter) and "just us". I tell him no, I don't
want to be his only friend (but I am, he hasn't contacted any old
friends in over 4 years--nor have they contacted him), sole source of
amusement, nor did I want that much isolation from civilization, and
it wouldn't be good for our children either. He doesn't like that,
offers to move out periodically, live as a hermit. That is pretty
much what he did when I had him thrown out. He didn't do a very good
job with the kids either. There was at least a couple of screaming
scenes on his part.




Our daughter is in therapy and doing well. Her therapist says i'm
doing a very good job of validating her feelings and experiences and
telling her that her father is one incredibly wounded little boy in a
grown-ups body. He really is just like our youngest. But our youngest is
growing up, and in a couple of years he isn't going to be as tight
with daddy. H has interpreted this in the past as, "you and your
family turned my daughter against me, you and your family undermined
me, you taught both of the kids to disrespect me." yeah, right. Our
kids are well behaved, thoughtful and polite outside of the home.
They're pretty polite at home too--but they squabble. They're
normal. He wants them to be cloyingly sweet to each other, never any
arguments, no yelling, no squabbling. I do tell him that he can't
have it both ways, either they are normal or they're not. Not
fighting is not normal.




(side note: h has yet to meet her therapist, it has now been 2 years. He refuses to meet mine, again 2 years. Nor will he call or write with his observations of issues that I need to work upon.)

i will confess to pandering to his madness at xmas. Two strands of
lights burned out. He pitched a fit, "why does this happen to me!
Why can't I have a perfect xmas, it's the only holiday I care about,
you all don't care, they're just like you, they (kids) don't
appreciate how hard I work..." well, you know. So I did point out
that in millions of other households there had to be one where the
lights burned out. He was a s***. I actually took the strands off
(without removing ornaments), bought new strands, and re-decorated.
What a nutty thing to do.

I have told people that I married him, he turned 30, and his warranty
expired.




His family thinks i'm the evil one, the destroyer, and are infuriated
that we didn't follow through on the divorce. When we married, they
were thrilled, "best thing that happened", "never seen him so happy", the
usual tripe. I was having cold feet, I should've paid attention! Of
course, his sisters were sexually abused, I suspect his brother was
(by same uncle), and as brother is 10 years old than my husband, and
shared bedroom I wonder about my husband, you know?

He has taken to telling me that I am evil incarnate, as is my family. He hasn't gone to any of my family gatherings in 6 years or more. We attend his. I no longer speak. Last xmas he told me I had upset someone and that, "i almost slapped the cr@p out of you!" so, I wrote a letter of apology and mailed it. That upset him too. He told me I shouldn't have done that. No winning, is there?

He's been variously diagnosed with ptsd, depression, anxiety (valium takes the edge off, but), seasonal affective disorder (s.A.D.), and just
plain a crummy personality. I think bpd covers him pretty
completely (that chronic hollow feeling--and demands that I fill him up. I told his then-therapist that I could go rah-rah-rah, naked, 24/7/365 and it still wouldn't be enough and I wouldn't do it anyway). Maybe someday he'll be definitively diagnosed, and if he
is, maybe he'll tell his family that. I think one sister would
at least look it up, and maybe then she'd acknowledge the validity of
what he's told them, "it's not all d's fault, I haven't been
a great husband or person either, we both made a mess of our
marriage." I won't hold my breath though.






In the meanwhile, I don't tell him how much money I make (never
have, we used to have joint checking--what a nightmare. He never told me about withdrawals, accused me of having affairs--not working overtime, then told me I was a leech because I didn't earn enough, but he never looked to see how much I was earning!), I handle the taxes (always have) and he doesn't bother to read
them. Fortunately, i'm honest, and so is our accountant! We have
separate checking accounts, and i've been socking money away for my
retirement since before I met him. I handle the kids health and
education, always have, always will. He's incredibly jealous of the
kids having more opportunities and support than he ever did. No guns
in the house, the restraining order last year took care of that! I
do worry he'll follow through on various threats made about my father
and my pets through the years (killing them, inviting my parents to the home to kill them. They do not call or visit because we are all too worried that he will fly into a rage and hurt someone--me, most likely). He doesn't get any of my life
insurance or 401k if I die. I took care of changing beneficiaries
years ago.

I read "why does he do that?" and felt like someone was peeking into our windows. Anyone else felt that way after reading that book?





So--is this garden-variety bipolar/borderline or "something special"?

Anyone want him? The kids and I live for the times he has to work and isn't around. They were able to have friends over to spend the night when we were separated, family visited...I really blew it, didn't i?



Edited at 3:27 pm to add:

1) why are things not capitalized, I went back to fix that, is that a site "thing"? My spelling and grammar aren't that bad, usually. Too many years of latin, french and fierce english teachers you know!



2) in case anyone is wondering, I have done so much reading on various conditions through the years--depression, ptsd, borderline, abuse, bipolar, etc. That I should have a "frequent flyer" notation on my library card. I do not leave any of these books laying around the house, as the one and only time I brought something home that he didn't approve of he ripped it to pieces. Fortunately it was a paperback that I had purchased. I bought another one. It is at work.