i think I may be dealing with a bpd in
addition to bipolar ii. In my case
it is my husband, and he is
high-functioning. He is also taking
lamictal which has suppressed the raging,
mostly, and kept him from plummeting.
He is no longer in therapy as he says
that, "they are all idiots anyway, it
never helped me!" garbage in, garbage
out. He never told them what was
really going on and certainly has never
followed up on any of the suggestions,
readings, movies, etc. That were
brought to his attention.
I should credit my mother who was a
psychiatric nurse for handing me, "i hate
you, don't
leave me!" and saying she thought I would
recognize a lot of things.
She was right, I did. I brought it
up with his then-therapist
(possibility of bpd) and was
pooh-poohed.
However due to continuing weirdness
through the years (we've been
married 12, one daughter 12, one son 7) I
am pretty certain i'm
correct.
I don't even know where to begin, so i'll
let that go for now.
As far as maintaining boundaries i've
always done a fairly reasonable
job of it. I haven't given up my
hobbies, despite being accused of
putting them ahead of him; I hyphenated my
name rather than give it
up entirely (that has been thrown at me as
"you never really married
me". Kind of funny, I told him that
was my decision before we wed;
if that was a dealbreaker he shouldn't
have married me!); we
separated once due to a rage episode on
his part that was
directed not only at me, but children in
the house (niece and
daughter), we've reconciled only because I
was concerned that he
could somehow convince a court that he
should have custody of them--
don't ask me why, he's been hospitalized
once for telling a
psychiatrist that he wasnted to die (drama
at the worksite. After he
got out he told me, "all the doctors and
nurses know that you are the
reason I am crazy--you are such a horrible
person!" truly
bizarre.). I have determined that as
that was my first time
responding to a rage episode, rather than
sitting there either "deer
in the headlights" silent, or trying to
reasonably and rationally
talk with him, that from here on out it
will be handled differently.
Oh, I had him removed by the police; took
him to court. What he said
to my niece was horrible, and I told him
that that very night (you
are 4x years old--no 10 yo girl should be
called a c***, I am ashamed
of you, you owe her an apology, and I am
taking her home and taking
the kids with me." he hasn't apologized
to her yet. He thinks i'm
going to invite her over again and then
he'll do it. Uh-uh. Get off
your butt and write an apology or call
her. He has yet to ask me for
the information. I did call his
therapist that night, told her what
happened. Her observation, "h lost
his temper." well, no kidding!
Funny story. He has written a letter
of apology to my parents, once. Got my
mother's name wrong. Nor has he
followed up with any of his promises to do
something, anything! Differently to
heal the breach that he made with them.
(his words, not mine)
this is the same therapist who during a
marital counseling session
turned to my h and said, "h, you've been
saying a lot of hurtful
things, your wife is trying not to cry,
she's clearly upset, she's
been working very hard throughout this
session (then 3 yo in and out
of room--couldn't play with toys in
waiting room with sister you
know) and you have yet to acknowledge her,
and she's scared, she's
starting to hyperventilate--you are
yelling and have your fists
clenched." his stunning reply, "sometimes
I have to show her the
hand of god!" all that time I thought he
was bonkers, instead, he's
a bully. Incompetent therapist asked
me to wait outside for a few
minutes (i should've left!) and when I
went back in, told us to hug
one another! Unreal.
Anyway. He's been trying to cut me
off from my friends and family,
but it doesn't work. He talks about
moving to remote area of world
(pick a spot, doesn't matter) and "just
us". I tell him no, I don't
want to be his only friend (but I am, he
hasn't contacted any old
friends in over 4 years--nor have they
contacted him), sole source of
amusement, nor did I want that much
isolation from civilization, and
it wouldn't be good for our children
either. He doesn't like that,
offers to move out periodically, live as a
hermit. That is pretty
much what he did when I had him thrown
out. He didn't do a very good
job with the kids either. There was
at least a couple of screaming
scenes on his part.
Our daughter is in therapy and doing well.
Her therapist says i'm
doing a very good job of validating her
feelings and experiences and
telling her that her father is one
incredibly wounded little boy in a
grown-ups body. He really is just
like our youngest. But our youngest
is
growing up, and in a couple of years he
isn't going to be as tight
with daddy. H has interpreted this
in the past as, "you and your
family turned my daughter against me, you
and your family undermined
me, you taught both of the kids to
disrespect me." yeah, right. Our
kids are well behaved, thoughtful and
polite outside of the home.
They're pretty polite at home too--but
they squabble. They're
normal. He wants them to be
cloyingly sweet to each other, never any
arguments, no yelling, no squabbling.
I do tell him that he can't
have it both ways, either they are normal
or they're not. Not
fighting is not normal.
(side note: h has yet to meet her
therapist, it has now been 2 years.
He refuses to meet mine, again 2 years.
Nor will he call or write with his
observations of issues that I need to work
upon.)
i will confess to pandering to his madness
at xmas. Two strands of
lights burned out. He pitched a fit,
"why does this happen to me!
Why can't I have a perfect xmas, it's the
only holiday I care about,
you all don't care, they're just like you,
they (kids) don't
appreciate how hard I work..." well, you
know. So I did point out
that in millions of other households there
had to be one where the
lights burned out. He was a s***.
I actually took the strands off
(without removing ornaments), bought new
strands, and re-decorated.
What a nutty thing to do.
I have told people that I married him, he
turned 30, and his warranty
expired.
His family thinks i'm the evil one, the
destroyer, and are infuriated
that we didn't follow through on the
divorce. When we married, they
were thrilled, "best thing that happened",
"never seen him so happy", the
usual tripe. I was having cold feet,
I should've paid attention! Of
course, his sisters were sexually abused,
I suspect his brother was
(by same uncle), and as brother is 10+
years old than my husband, and
shared bedroom I wonder about my husband,
you know?
He has taken to telling me that I am evil
incarnate, as is my family. He hasn't
gone to any of my family gatherings in 6
years or more. We attend his. I no
longer speak. Last xmas he told me I
had upset someone and that, "i almost
slapped the cr@p out of you!" so, I wrote
a letter of apology and mailed it.
That upset him too. He told me I
shouldn't have done that. No winning,
is there?
He's been variously diagnosed with ptsd,
depression, anxiety (valium takes the edge
off, but), seasonal affective disorder
(s.A.D.), and just
plain a crummy personality. I think
bpd covers him pretty
completely (that chronic hollow
feeling--and demands that I fill him up.
I told his then-therapist that I could go
rah-rah-rah, naked, 24/7/365 and it still
wouldn't be enough and I wouldn't do it
anyway). Maybe someday he'll be
definitively diagnosed, and if he
is, maybe he'll tell his family that.
I think one sister would
at least look it up, and maybe then she'd
acknowledge the validity of
what he's told them, "it's not all d's
fault, I haven't been
a great husband or person either, we both
made a mess of our
marriage." I won't hold my breath
though.
In the meanwhile, I don't tell him how
much money I make (never
have, we used to have joint checking--what
a nightmare. He never told me about
withdrawals, accused me of having
affairs--not working overtime, then told
me I was a leech because I didn't earn
enough, but he never looked to see how
much I was earning!), I handle the taxes
(always have) and he doesn't bother to
read
them. Fortunately, i'm honest, and
so is our accountant! We have
separate checking accounts, and i've been
socking money away for my
retirement since before I met him. I
handle the kids health and
education, always have, always will.
He's incredibly jealous of the
kids having more opportunities and support
than he ever did. No guns
in the house, the restraining order last
year took care of that! I
do worry he'll follow through on various
threats made about my father
and my pets through the years (killing
them, inviting my parents to the home to
kill them. They do not call or visit
because we are all too worried that he
will fly into a rage and hurt someone--me,
most likely). He doesn't get any of
my life
insurance or 401k if I die. I took
care of changing beneficiaries
years ago.
I read "why does he do that?" and felt
like someone was peeking into our windows.
Anyone else felt that way after
reading that book?
So--is this garden-variety
bipolar/borderline or "something special"?
Anyone want him? The kids and I live
for the times he has to work and isn't
around. They were able to have
friends over to spend the night when we
were separated, family visited...I really
blew it, didn't i?
Edited at 3:27 pm to add:
1) why are things not capitalized, I went
back to fix that, is that a site "thing"?
My spelling and grammar aren't that bad,
usually. Too many years of latin,
french and fierce english teachers you
know!
2) in case anyone is wondering, I have
done so much reading on various conditions
through the years--depression, ptsd,
borderline, abuse, bipolar, etc. That I
should have a "frequent flyer" notation on
my library card. I do not leave any of
these books laying around the house, as
the one and only time I brought something
home that he didn't approve of he ripped
it to pieces. Fortunately it was a
paperback that I had purchased. I
bought another one. It is at work.
Last edited by DSmith529 on 10-27-05 07:56am; edited 1 time in total
It sounds like he could be bipolar with
other things. But who only a doctor can
diagnose him..I'm going to sounds like an
problem for just a second.
But it sounds like both side of the fence(
you and your husband) have things to work
on. Just from reading what you wrote. It
sounds like there needs to be work on
therapy, communcation skills, parenting
skills,
family differents,anger,and a few other
things. But that is just my opinion.
If he saying "they are all idiots anyway,
it never helped me!". Could it be that he
has the wrong doctor and therapist, or
that he need some skills to help him open
up and talk to the therapist to tell
him/her what's going on?
That just something to think about.
Bipolar and borderline personality
disorder are closely related from what
i've read and know.
|
DSmith529
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Oct 2005 Posts: 59
Posted: 10-26-05 23:27pm
Joe, do you read what other people write?
Or do you find others misery so funny
that putting in "lol dramma dramma dramma
lol" really witty or insightful? Your
comment that I am oversensitive, I will
address that later in this posting.
He is diagnosed bp ii, he is taking
lamictal (an utc drug).
He refuses to meet my therapist, or our
elder child's therapist. It has been two
years. Two years. I have made a point
of meeting his through the years. I was
stunned once in a joint session to hear
him tell his therapist that he wanted me
frightened of him, "sometimes I just have
to show her the hand of god!"
11 years of varying diagnoses.
Depression. Ptsd. Sad. Behavioural
problems due to childhood abuse. As I
mentioned I have read many, many books on
all these subjects. He has read none.
Not one. In fact, he flew into a rage
once when he saw a book I was reading and
tore it to bits. Fortunately it was a
cheap paperback that I have since replaced
and keep at my office, where he has no
access.
My children are traumatized by his
behaviours. I am as well. I am now
officially the first person recorded by
nami headquarters calling and seeking a
peer support group for the children of a
mentally ill parent (in this case bpii and
ubpd). As they are genetically
predisposed by bipolar, I do not feel they
deserve to have the environmental triggers
tripped by their parent(s). Anxiety and
stress can mimic add and provoke episodes.
Imagine growing up in an emotional war
zone, how is this good parenting?
My family doesn't call and can't come over
because he goes into a rage and I bear the
brunt of it. My children don't have
friends sleep over because of his rages
and the two times i've had to debrief 10
year olds, and their parents, makes me
want to weep. My 6 yo wept when he told
me that, "i can't love grandpa (my
father), daddy hates him, and if I love
him daddy will hate me".
Having a loaded gun thrown at me, while
holding our newborn--this is acceptable to
you?
I'm now tapping into your other reply.
He lied about his std status. He
infected me which affects my long-term
health. He jeapordized our unborn child.
I have since had miscarriages due to
this std. He blew off my mammogram
because it, "didn't have to do with me
(him)" but immediately asked about the
gyno exam. That is selfishness that
borders narcissism.
12 years of marriage joe. That isn't a
fly-by-night relationship.
Perhaps you also overlooked the part where
I detailed that I pull back from divorce
because while separated he frightened the
children badly with his rages (not to
mention not using seatbelts and leaving
them unattended by a pool--one can't swim,
the other is not very good) and I am not
willing to risk their mental or physical
health further. I would rather take the
blows, whether they be mental or physical,
than risk him being alone with them for
significant lengths of time. I do not
trust him with the children for more than
2 hours.
I do not cry to or on him. I didn't cry
while delivering our children, I will not
risk further statements of, "you only cry
because you want people to think you
aren't the problem".
My husband isn't some poor, defenseless,
picked-upon orphan boy, selling matches in
the snow.
He has first-rate cradle-to-grave,
no-questions-asked,
no-health-issue-disqualifications, health
care thanks to my job and me paying for
it. He has never taken our children to a
dental, doctor or therapy appointment,
picked up a sick child from school more
than twice, stayed home with a sick child
ever, in 3 years he has never taken either
child to a music lesson, rarely takes them
to sports practices, vacuumed, done
laundry, paid a veterinary bill,
contributed to his 401k since 1998 (i've
begged him to do so), raked leaves or
offered any sort of support or comfort to
me when requested.
He constantly blames me, or my family (he
hasn't seen them socially in 6 years), or
the kids for his problems.
So yes, I think men and women should be
very aware of what can go wrong if someone
is bipolar and chooses to not take their
condition seriously. If someone chooses
to ignore it, or go about things
half-@ssed, then people should be aware of
this particular level of hell and that it
will not simply negatively affect them.
It can have serious repercussions upon
their children (if any) as well.
|
BPjoe23
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Oct 2005 Posts: 111 Location: dfw tx
Posted: 10-27-05 05:08am
No dear i'm sorry I didn't mean it like
that.I don't find others misery so funny
that putting in "lol dramma dramma dramma
lol" is really witty or insightful?. But
most of it can get to be like dramma in my
head.Because I read it all the time and it
can get old. I don't mean to sound like
i'm an problem or jerk because i'm far
from it. Most people(99.9 procent) of the
people that know my will say im one of the
sweetest,most caring guys they know even
when im manic they say I can turn around
and be sweet".
/quote/i was stunned once in a joint
session to hear him tell his therapist
that he wanted me frightened of him,
"sometimes I just have to show her the
hand of god!"/quote/ that's what I mean
by it sounds like there needs to be work
on anger(him him! It sound like he needs
to work on anger, and learn anger
managemnt skills.
Like I said it sounds like there needs to
be work on therapy,
communcation skills, parenting skills,
family differents,anger,and a few other
things. But that is just my opinion.
If things are not working out, where
working out then move on. No need to
keep on and on about it.
Unless you need some help and want people
to listen. Im here to listen
i'm bipolar I know more or likely what you
and your husband are/went though.
"your husband bipolar he has a mental
illness you can fight and bicker with me
all you want. But just in my opinion I
bet half of that mess is because he
bipolar but no it's not an excuse..
I'm just trying to help people understand
from a bipolar person point of view.
It's like a woman saying" I just hate it
when my boyfriend lays around the house
and doesn't nothing. He's depressed all
the time he sleeps all day,is no
fun,hasn't showered in a few days,doesn't
feel like eating.
I hate it, I hate how he's depressed,i
hate it why does he act this way, or feel
this way.. If you never had depression
then how do you know what it's like for
him( ex the boyfriend?). You don't! You
got to get the other side of the story.
Sorry im just giving my point of view,and
my advice. You can take it how ever you
want, same with any one else reading
this.
Why can I say this stuff because i've
almost been down that road.
I will omit any thing you want to know,
yes I remember the times i've cused and
screamed at my family, there even a few
small holes in my door. I remember the
times when I was younger and said the
therapist are stupid, nothing going to
help.. But know what " i've been thought
it, and have changed". People can change
I belive he can if he wants too.
His only problem is that he see him self
and not having a problem and doesn't want
to change... Basicly things are said
and done. You can't fix the past but you
can fix the future if you know what I
mean.
I don't know what else to say. I see he
has alot of problems.
Well let him be alone and deal with them
if he doesn't want to change then so be
it. You've done what you can, don't get
brought down by all the chaos I know your
story then that. Just give him some
space and make hell have time to think
about this,and see what he is missing and
messed up on. I don't know. I'm at a
lose for words now. I'm just trying to
help you so you can help him, so he can
help you....
Your not alone he not alone. We all have
to help each other.
Some times what I say can be taken as
something different from what I mean or
say. Sometimes my words come out wrong.
Sorry I don't mean to fight or bicker with
you. I'm just given my advice,
opinions,and my side of the story.
The pie is one but two people can break
it. But it also can take two hand to push
it together and make it look like a whole
pie.
If you will to work on it work on it, if
not then leave it.
Sounds like you have already tried to do
all that you can do, so let it be.
Do what's best for you. Go find someone
new that won't cause you chaos.
No more bickering or fight? K.....? Ok!
The end.
|
djphoenix18
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 24 Oct 2005 Posts: 4 Location: Texas
Hi There Posted: 10-27-05 14:01pm
I just wanted to start off by saying that
I understand your situation, and im sorry
for all the grief and sadness that you may
have felt or sometimes feel... I have
written in one or two posts on here and
again ill state that I was diagnosed with
bipolar 2 about 2-3 years ago...
I share your husbands sentiments about
going and visiting doctors and thinking
that they are either inept or only there
to try to prescribe as many medications as
they can... And the truth is, that has
been a huge reason why I havent been as
involved perhaps with my therapy... I
cant say for one how important it is to
keep up with the doctors and be as
involved as you possibly can... No matter
how little or how much progress you
see...
I also share the same kind of behaviors
that your husband shows towards you
sometimes towards my current fiance...
She has learned though to either ignore
them, or kind of help me through them as
much as she possibly can... I must say
though, that sometimes she gets tired and
frustrated... And I for one understand...
I see that you have a family and kids and
im almost certain this in some ways has
taken a toll on you and your children, and
suffice to say, if your husband does not
want to take an active approach on helping
himself for his family then, you might
want to consider alternate options... I
personally dont think that dealing with
that kind of a behavior on a constant
basis is good for you or your children...
If you dont mind I would kind of like to
see what medications your husband is
currently taking? I saw that he is
taking lamictal which is something that I
took for a short period of time before I
saw just how many negative side effects
that drug causes... I actually have taken
alot of meds and these are some I have
taken: risperadol (no longer made), celexa
(paranoia), tegretal aka carbomezapine
(mood swing stablizer), depakote (same as
tegretol kinda), and lamictal, and another
one I dont remember the name...
Truthfully, the best one I found was
tegretol for the mood swings, it kept me
in check for a while but I was still going
around kinda like a zombie so I stopped
taking it... Anyways, again, im really
sorry about the situation that your in,
continue to support him as much as you
can, but dont forget that you must also
look to the safety of your children and
yourself... Please if you want to share
anything else about the situation post it
here, and ill be happy to share as much
info with you as possible...
Kindest regards...
|
Philly Boy
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 Nov 2005 Posts: 4
Posted: 12-07-05 00:00am
Stop being a martyr and leave.
You want to fix him so badly you're
hurting your children.
You need help as much as he does.
|
DSmith529
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Oct 2005 Posts: 59
Quick Reply Posted: 12-07-05 09:09am
Hi philly boy,
has your wife delivered yet? Girl,
boy--twins? (edited: I just realized
that she is months away from delivering.
Ultrasounds looking good?) did you have a
nice thanksgiving? We did. I had an
old friend & her daughter over for
t'day lunch and later I took them and my
kids to my parents. I think I am still
recovering! Husband was pleasant and
didn't kick up a fuss when I told him the
kids & I were leaving to see my family
and don't wait up. He got to watch
football and have the computer to himself.
Thank you, i've had several years of
therapy and I am doing just fine. I'm
now forming a group for the children of
mentally ill parents in conjunction with
the kids psychiatrist's practice as well
as two other practices.
His psychiatrist now knows he has two
children, not just one and has increased
his meds. As long as they allay his
ragings I couldn't care less if my husband
ever opts go to therapy again. I can
only be responsible for myself and the
kids. As it is, he senses that
*something* is going on as we never ask
him for anything (no help around the
house, no money requests, no advice, no
driving of children anywhere, not
interested in gifts from him [me--never,
the kids--rarely], no complaints, no
comments, just lots of shruggings and
statements of, "do whatever you feel is
best", etc.) and he is making some
attempts at adult behaviour.
I don't even answer his questions about
how to invest money. I tell him to
discuss it with one particular sibling.
He spends enough time on the internet, he
can look it up on his own.
No, without a guarantee of sole custody I
am not going to divorce him. I will
not risk their backsliding to where we
were two years ago--cringing, crying and
fearful of his behaviour. I may yet
change my mind.
|
Philly Boy
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 Nov 2005 Posts: 4
Posted: 12-07-05 10:38am
There never was a child.... She took
three tests, all negative. I told her
for a month and a half to go to the
doctor.... So when she that I didn't
care, it was a lie. My "temper tantrum"
as she put it was because she thought it
would be healthy to have a father's day
bbq at our house 3 weeks after she had a
miscarriage. Gee, how could I not be in
a good mood?
The problem is this.... And you seem to
have realized it. Bipolar people are not
their disease. Of course we are
responsible for our actions, but we are
not always in control of them.
My wife knows all about my condition, and
despite a 14 year relationship, she
refuses to seek any type of counseling
with me.
I will go on with my life, and it will be
better. As much as I will miss her, and
as much as I love her, I cannot afford
people like that in my life.
Here's a good example..... I made the
regrettable decision to attempt suicide
not long ago, her compassionate response
was to lock me out of my own house.
At one time I would have said we could
divorce amicably.... Those hopes are
dwindling quickly.
I'm sorry I sound so bitter, but I do
sincerely wish you luck.
|
DSmith529
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Oct 2005 Posts: 59
Can You Clarify Something? Posted: 12-09-05 15:24pm
You mentioned that it was three weeks
after the miscarriage--how far along was
she when it happened? First trimester,
second? I had two miscarriages in my
first trimester (thanks to my beloved
husband for infecting me with an std that
caused these events) and as I never showed
I was pregnant and it was long before I
would feel the infant moving, it didn't
feel like much of an "event" to me. I
ean, I was sad, but I wasn't devastated.
I would've held the bbq too. I didn't
hold one, but I did attend a bbq and
family gatherings afterwards. Life goes
on. Maybe she was hoping for some warmth
and hugs from the families, in addition to
trying to move forward? It may not have
been suggested just to get you
upset--maybe that was her way of looking
for support?
You said you had a temper tantrum here,
but didn't you state somewhere else that
you destroyed the grill?
That's frightening behaviour. It's
aggressive and intimidating. I'd be
terrified too, I mean, once someone
reaches that level of violence I would
expect them to turn on me next.
I'm glad you didn't commit suicide. But
locking the door is what i'd do too, just
before I called the paramedics. That
isn't something most people are equipped
to handle, physically or emotionally.
After 14 years of riding your emotional
roller coaster, maybe she is nauseated,
exhausted and just wants off.
I'm sorry, it's very sad. I hope things
start looking up for you and her.
Together or apart.
