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Don't Know What I Want...

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I have had a severe eating disorder now for about 12 years. I think on and off about getting better but it scares me because I find so much comfort in food...About 10,000 calories a day which I purge most of. I am very underweight, 5'2" and 65 pounds. I have gained 5 pounds drinking shakes before bed which I keep in along with vitamins, potassium supplement and anti-depressants. I have come a little ways in terms of my health the past 3 years. I was hospitalized in 2002 against my will and locked up with thw crazzies for 3 months when my weight fell to 53 pounds. There I stayed until my weight was doubled. I gained weight so fast that I felt like a huge blob and as soon as I was relased I quickly lost all down to 60 pounds. I really want to get up to 80 but no more beacuse I hate getting my damb period and all that crap. Everyone thinks I should weigh like 120 but I have a very small frame and my mom who is 45 years old is my height and only weighs 110 and she eats all she wants and never diets. All my family is very thin naturally. If I get up to like 93 I get my period back. Do you really think I am meant to be 120? I might consider a treatment program but they all say I would have to gain up to 120. I feel that is way too much for me. Plus, I don't know what I would do if I had to give up my addiction of 10,000 calories a day because all I do all day is cook and look foward to the next 5,000 calorie "feed" which I relish twice a day. I eat 1,000 caloreis, purge then do that again twice for lunch and the same for dinner. I am scared that if I eat a normal meal which I don't think I can because that would be just a tease compared to what I am used to eating, it would just sit in my stomach for hours. This is what happened in the hospital and I was bloated beyond belief. Is there anything I can take or do to get my stomach working properly again incase I decide to eat normally? Please, if anyone has some advice i'd really appreciate it. Thanks.
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replied October 25th, 2005
Experienced User
Sorry, I Missed This Post Before My Last One
I didn't realize that you were actually eating a lot and then purging rather than restricting.
I am recovering from restrictive anorexia. I am not sure how the binge and purge cycle effects things. I do know though that I am uncomfortable digestive wise eating my dietician given diet which is significantly more than I had been eating. Like you, I am uncomfortable being full. Although I have some normal appetite now (it had disappeared for a while), I don't have normal fullness. If I eat too much, which sometimes is part of the recommended plan, I feel sick rather than normal fullness. If your digestive system isn't used to working much, it doesn't magically turn back to normal when you get normal food. I get lots of gas, bloating, and constipation. They assure me that this is normal. I have read that these symptoms can get very severe and health threatening if you make too drastic of changes, but you might want to check with a dietician or doctor to see how this would apply to you.
One thing that you could try to get used to not binging and having food in your stomach for a while is to divide your food into small portions. You could eat one portion and weight for a certain amount of time before reaching for the next portion. As far as cooking, you could cook a time consuming, healthy, lower calorie item like a soup with lots of differnt vegtables.
As far as your weight, it is a sign of health to have a period. If you don't want it and don't want to have children any time soon, you can get deprova shots. I don't know if you need to be 120 pounds. Certainly that is not overweight. I am 5'5' and my dietican tells me that I would be healthy at 115-120 pounds as long as I am eating healthy (enough nutrients). Since you are 5'2'', you probably can be healthy at 100-105 pounds if you are maintaining that eating a healthy diet. I am guessing that eating disorder centers want you to be heavier than a minimal healthy weight so that you won't relapse as easily.
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