Breast Cancer Forum - I Have Cancer, And I Cant Deal Anymore


I Have Cancer, And I Cant Deal Anymore

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tiredofthis

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Joined: 15 Oct 2005
Posts: 3

I Have Cancer, And I Cant Deal Anymore Posted: 10-15-05 17:28pm


This is way too surreal. I dunno where to begin. Ive been browsing some forums and you guys seem mature enough to handle these matters. And please dont ridicule me for this. The mental abuse I put myself through in my opinion is worse then the physical. So please refrain from telling me how stupid can even begin to describe me. I dont expect replies; ive been living w/ this for 4 years almost and I need to get it off my chest somehow. I guess I started noticing in 8th grade that I had lumps in both my breasts. By the time my freshman physical came around I cried for my mom not to take me to the doctor because I was scared she was going to find out I have cancer. I looked at the doctor as the enemy instead of the cancer. Im weak, a coward, and for a while in denial of it all. Well I made it through the physical w/ out anyone knowing. I denied it. I thought im way too young I cant have breast cancer. So I never told anyone. Middle of freshman year I started feeling a pain in my jaw, as well as a couple lumps on the side. I started feeling tingling at different parts of my body here and there. Now im a senior in highschool, and the cancer has spread from my feet to my head. I can feel little lumps and on the side of my head and every now and then some tingling. I see spots. I dont plan on telling anyone because I figure its too late. The cancer is so advanced I know theres nothing any doctor can do to save me, so why put my family through the months (days? Weeks? Years?) that I have left to live. I just wish I could go back and change everything. I guess what hurts the most is knowing im not going to grow up, get married, have kids, grow old with someone I love. I had 1 b/f for about a month, and I knew I couldnt let it go on any longer. All we did was makeout. How the f**k would I be able to go any farther? I think I have diabetes. I dunno if thats caused from the cancer or not? I have these bumps on my legs, that feel kinda like mosquito bites. They itch and havent really healed. I looked this up on the internet and I think theyre leg ulcers cause from diab. I have mild depression and anxiety. I constantly think about death. I cant believe I let it get this far. I guess sometimes im still kind of in denial. I just wish I knew how long I had to live. Im scared im going to have a stroke or seizure or heart attack or something. I always think about the day I die, how upset everyones going to be, all the unanswered questions. But whats the point in saying anything now? The bottom part of my stomach seems kind of swollen. Like no matter how hard I suck it in it still sticks out. Sometimes my heart palpitates and I think im going, but maybe its from stress. The bottom of my eyes are a little yellow. It seems to have gone away but itll prolly come back. Sometimes I think about killing myself cause its too much to handle. Sometimes I dont feel affected by this and sometimes it hits me real hard, like I have doing it cancer. Im going to die from this. I never told anybody. Had I told my doctor freshman year I could have been alive. I feel tumors on the bones of my arms and legs, and lower back. Sometimes I get sharp pain in my head and I pray to god I make it another day. I am mentally addicted to pot. It helps me be in a better mood. I love the stuff. But when I smoke by myself sometimes I get so depressed all I can think about is death and I shut everyone away. I snap at everyone on the littlest things and I know why. Im sure ill delete this post or not post on here again. I just need someone/anyone to know. Its been about 4 years that ive lived with this and its killin me. I also have hair on my thighs and lower back. I dunno if this has something to do with my hormones? Or the cancer? I dunno. I cant deal anymore. Ive kept this in. I dunno what else to say. If you feel a lump or think somethings wrong dont waste your time posting on here about it. Go to a doctor! Listen to your body. The only real comfort youll get by knowing that its nothing to worry about is by dealing with it. I just wish I knew how long I had to live. I guess thats all

samsam

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Joined: 08 Oct 2005
Posts: 2
Location: manchester

Re: I Have Cancer, And I Cant Deal Anymore
Posted: 10-15-05 19:10pm

tiredofthis wrote:

this is way too surreal. I dunno where to begin. Ive been browsing some forums and you guys seem mature enough to handle these matters. And please dont ridicule me for this. The mental abuse I put myself through in my opinion is worse then the physical. So please refrain from telling me how stupid can even begin to describe me. I dont expect replies; ive been living w/ this for 4 years almost and I need to get it off my chest somehow.

I guess I started noticing in 8th grade that I had lumps in both my breasts. By the time my freshman physical came around I cried for my mom not to take me to the doctor because I was scared she was going to find out I have cancer. I looked at the doctor as the enemy instead of the cancer. Im weak, a coward, and for a while in denial of it all. Well I made it through the physical w/ out anyone knowing. I denied it. I thought im way too young I cant have breast cancer. So I never told anyone.

Middle of freshman year I started feeling a pain in my jaw, as well as a couple lumps on the side. I started feeling tingling at different parts of my body here and there. Now im a senior in highschool, and the cancer has spread from my feet to my head. I can feel little lumps and on the side of my head and every now and then some tingling. I see spots.

I dont plan on telling anyone because I figure its too late. The cancer is so advanced I know theres nothing any doctor can do to save me, so why put my family through the months (days? Weeks? Years?) that I have left to live. I just wish I could go back and change everything. I guess what hurts the most is knowing im not going to grow up, get married, have kids, grow old with someone I love. I had 1 b/f for about a month, and I knew I couldnt let it go on any longer. All we did was makeout. How the f**k would I be able to go any farther?

I think I have diabetes. I dunno if thats caused from the cancer or not? I have these bumps on my legs, that feel kinda like mosquito bites. They itch and havent really healed. I looked this up on the internet and I think theyre leg ulcers cause from diab. I have mild depression and anxiety. I constantly think about death. I cant believe I let it get this far. I guess sometimes im still kind of in denial. I just wish I knew how long I had to live. Im scared im going to have a stroke or seizure or heart attack or something. I always think about the day I die, how upset everyones going to be, all the unanswered questions. But whats the point in saying anything now?

The bottom part of my stomach seems kind of swollen. Like no matter how hard I suck it in it still sticks out. Sometimes my heart palpitates and I think im going, but maybe its from stress. The bottom of my eyes are a little yellow. It seems to have gone away but itll prolly come back.

Sometimes I think about killing myself cause its too much to handle. Sometimes I dont feel affected by this and sometimes it hits me real hard, like I have doing it cancer. Im going to die from this. I never told anybody. Had I told my doctor freshman year I could have been alive. I feel tumors on the bones of my arms and legs, and lower back. Sometimes I get sharp pain in my head and I pray to god I make it another day.

I am mentally addicted to pot. It helps me be in a better mood. I love the stuff. But when I smoke by myself sometimes I get so depressed all I can think about is death and I shut everyone away. I snap at everyone on the littlest things and I know why. Im sure ill delete this post or not post on here again. I just need someone/anyone to know. Its been about 4 years that ive lived with this and its killin me. I also have hair on my thighs and lower back. I dunno if this has something to do with my hormones? Or the cancer? I dunno.

I cant deal anymore. Ive kept this in. I dunno what else to say.

If you feel a lump or think somethings wrong dont waste your time posting on here about it. Go to a doctor! Listen to your body. The only real comfort youll get by knowing that its nothing to worry about is by dealing with it. I just wish I knew how long I had to live.

I guess thats all

samsam

New User, Becoming EHEALTHy

Joined: 08 Oct 2005
Posts: 2
Location: manchester

Posted: 10-15-05 19:14pm


Hi there, im new on here, and ive just come across you story and read it. Im so sorry to hear what u have, my heart goes out to you so much. I feel in life that you have to be postive about things, and belive that things are going to be ok. Be strong about all this because where theres a will theres a way. I hope that this message gets to you, would be nice top hear from you. Take care samxxxxxx

nursechick

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Joined: 10 Oct 2005
Posts: 31
Location: Indiana

Posted: 10-15-05 20:34pm


You dont know for sure if its cancer honey please please get yourself to a doctor dont you think the shock of dropping dead out of the blue one day will be much harder on your family than them knowing something could be wrong with you and allowing them to mentally prepare themselves in case god forbid you do die???????? Please see a doctor asap you could go with out your family knowing its called hippa privacy law please go ps have you lost any weight???? Please write back you are to young to deal with this stress by yourself good luck , heather

tiredofthis

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Joined: 15 Oct 2005
Posts: 3

Posted: 10-16-05 19:54pm


:/ im glad you guys arent being mean about this. I thought itd go a differ. Way. I do feel better talking about it though. It is some relief sam-thanks but dont feel sorry for me! I did this to myself. Who the hell doesnt tell anyone they think they have cancer, then let it drag on this far?!!! Its absurd that im even talking about this! I have to be the only person in the world dumb (or scared) enough not to say anything. This is when it hits me, when I realize its not some disease or emotional problem its cancer. Its my life!!! Nursechick-"you dont know for sure if its cancer" oh I know its cancer. Now that its spread I can feel lumps (or tumors or whatever) in just about every part of my body. A normal person doesnt have that. "get yourself to a doctor dont you think the shock of dropping dead out of the blue one day will be much harder on your family than them knowing something could be wrong with you and allowing them to mentally prepare themselves in case god forbid you do die????????" getting to a doctor wont change anything. I cant describe the pain of knowing how much im going to hurt my family. I keep thinking my moms going to walk in one morning thinking ive overslept for school or something and ill be gone. Thats my worst fear. Im 17 years old I most likely wont make it till next year?? + seeing a doctor makes it all the more real. Like I want to hear "it is cancer and you dont have long to live" or however long he'll tell me I have. I just want to make it through the holidays. I cant do it. I think about it all the time, seeing a doctor but I cant bring myself to do it. I did try one time. I had a horrible cold. I couldnt keep myself from coughing every 2 mintues. And my stomach/chest area felt weird. I dunno I thought it was spreading to my lymph notes or something. So I begged my mom to take me to the er and once I got her out of the room and the doctor asked is there anything you want to tell me all I could ask was for a note to get out of swimming for school because I didnt want to be seen in a suit in front of everyone. So I never told her. They took some chest xrays and it was just a bad "viral infection." then I came home and it was gone a week later. I also one night woke up from the worst stomach pain in my entire life. It wasnt just a stomach ache it was different; felt like someone stabbed me repeatedly with a knife or something. Every single night for 3 weeks I woke up at the exact same time, 3 am. And had this pain until about 3 or 4 in the afternoon. Then it went away and id always dread going to sleep cause I knew id wake up at this time. Thats when I first thought about k***ing myself the pain was too freakin unbearable. I didnt know if it was a stomach ulcer or the cancer or what.But for some reason my mom wouldnt take me to the hospital she kept telling me I was over reacting (considering she didnt know how much in pain I was) and it went away. But if I ever feel that again im def. Going to e.R. Now that I can drive myself and no im not losing any weight which I think is kind of weird. I wish I were!! For a while I used food as a good comfort and gained some weight. I weigh like, I dunno 150 or something, and im really dieting/working out to lose it now realizing im only using food as a comfort. And I know im obviously not a doctor or anything and I cant really diagnose myself with anything but I have just about every symptom of borderline personality disorder, which I know the cause is the cancer. Its the cause of all my problems. But I dont feel like talking anymore so im gonna go

nursechick

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Joined: 10 Oct 2005
Posts: 31
Location: Indiana

Posted: 10-16-05 22:06pm


Ok 9 times out of 10 patients with advanced cancer like you think you have will have a major wieght loss unless they are on steriods but best of luck to you also have you considered counciling???????

noreneol

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Joined: 22 Oct 2005
Posts: 6

Your Cancer
Posted: 10-22-05 03:17am

tiredofthis wrote:

:/ im glad you guys arent being mean about this. I thought itd go a differ. Way. I do feel better talking about it though. It is some relief

sam-thanks but dont feel sorry for me! I did this to myself. Who the hell doesnt tell anyone they think they have cancer, then let it drag on this far?!!! Its absurd that im even talking about this! I have to be the only person in the world dumb (or scared) enough not to say anything. This is when it hits me, when I realize its not some disease or emotional problem its cancer. Its my life!!!

Nursechick-"you dont know for sure if its cancer" oh I know its cancer. Now that its spread I can feel lumps (or tumors or whatever) in just about every part of my body. A normal person doesnt have that.

"get yourself to a doctor dont you think the shock of dropping dead out of the blue one day will be much harder on your family than them knowing something could be wrong with you and allowing them to mentally prepare themselves in case god forbid you do die????????"

getting to a doctor wont change anything. I cant describe the pain of knowing how much im going to hurt my family. I keep thinking my moms going to walk in one morning thinking ive overslept for school or something and ill be gone. Thats my worst fear. Im 17 years old I most likely wont make it till next year??

+ seeing a doctor makes it all the more real. Like I want to hear "it is cancer and you dont have long to live" or however long he'll tell me I have. I just want to make it through the holidays. I cant do it. I think about it all the time, seeing a doctor but I cant bring myself to do it.

I did try one time. I had a horrible cold. I couldnt keep myself from coughing every 2 mintues. And my stomach/chest area felt weird. I dunno I thought it was spreading to my lymph notes or something. So I begged my mom to take me to the er and once I got her out of the room and the doctor asked is there anything you want to tell me all I could ask was for a note to get out of swimming for school because I didnt want to be seen in a suit in front of everyone. So I never told her. They took some chest xrays and it was just a bad "viral infection." then I came home and it was gone a week later.

I also one night woke up from the worst stomach pain in my entire life. It wasnt just a stomach ache it was different; felt like someone stabbed me repeatedly with a knife or something. Every single night for 3 weeks I woke up at the exact same time, 3 am. And had this pain until about 3 or 4 in the afternoon. Then it went away and id always dread going to sleep cause I knew id wake up at this time. Thats when I first thought about k***ing myself the pain was too freakin unbearable. I didnt know if it was a stomach ulcer or the cancer or what.But for some reason my mom wouldnt take me to the hospital she kept telling me I was over reacting (considering she didnt know how much in pain I was) and it went away. But if I ever feel that again im def. Going to e.R. Now that I can drive myself

and no im not losing any weight which I think is kind of weird. I wish I were!! For a while I used food as a good comfort and gained some weight. I weigh like, I dunno 150 or something, and im really dieting/working out to lose it now realizing im only using food as a comfort. And I know im obviously not a doctor or anything and I cant really diagnose myself with anything but I have just about every symptom of borderline personality disorder, which I know the cause is the cancer. Its the cause of all my problems. But I dont feel like talking anymore so im gonna go

hi there...I just wanted to know how you are doing.I too have undiagnosed cancer..At least I think it is.I won't go into detail because it's too complicated but I go to find out results of my tests next week.
You should at least tell your family..Prepare them.At least try to talk to them.They love you...How would you like it if they didn't prepare you for something like this? Wouldn't you be devastated?You owe them that much.Just put yourself in their place.
I will keep you in my thoughts and pray for you.Hope to hear from you.
God bless,
n.Y.

freakyfayze

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Joined: 17 Dec 2005
Posts: 1

Thank You So Much! Posted: 12-17-05 11:09am


Im soooo sorry about what happened to you, but thank you so much...For I have found a lump, and I am so scared to tell anyone. But after reading your comments, you have saved me. I know what I must do, and i'm so so sorry that you did not do the same. It's the most strange thing, I have been worring for weeks about it, praying for it to go away, hoping it is nothing...Then today, I switch on the computer to do some r.E homework, and what should happen...Your comment comes up on my screen, like a mirical. Although I don't want to tell my parents, I know now I must, before it is too late, but the worst strange thing is you said in your writting that you are now 17 and it happened 4 years ago. I am 13, like you where, in the same persistion. Is this fate? If I hadn't read your comment I would of sat in silence. Thank you. You don't know how glad I am you have said something. If you are to die, know that you have not died in vain, and that you, may have saved a little girls life. I promise you I shall tell someone, before it is too late...

Susan King

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Joined: 04 Aug 2005
Posts: 8
Location: Liberty, Missouri

Tired of Dealing With It Posted: 12-19-05 08:38am


I just don't understand why you haven't gone to a doctor to find out what exactly it is you have. You don't have to assume it is cancer, there are a million medical explanations for what you have. Go to a doctor and get a diagnosis, so who cares if it takes a few weeks of tests and blood work, at least you will know what it is. I never felt anything, no pain, no lumps, nothing, and on my 40th birthday I had a double mastectomy, cancer had completely taken over my left breast and benign lumps were found in my right. I want to be around for my husband, I want to be around for my children, I want to be around for my parents, I want to grow old and see my grandchildren, and I plan on fighting this with everything I have. If you had enough guts to post this message you definitely have enough guts to go to the doctor and see if you really do have cancer. Cancer isn't something that you just sit around and wait for, it is something you fight with everything you have. Fight, get up and go to a doctor, tell your parents and let them help you, and post your positive reply soon!!!

menomom

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Joined: 12 Jan 2006
Posts: 7
Location: wisconsin

Posted: 01-12-06 09:22am


Mind over matter........Works both ways. Everybody could sit and pick apart every lump, pain and itch and assume the worst. Nothing better than confirmation from a professional. Many times I have gone in thinking I was having a heart attack or that I had some disease only to be relieved that it was only acid reflux (knowing that now... I haven't had any symptoms since) or that I maybe had a reaction to a medication. You can also be like susan and say you are going to fight it. I made a pact with god a long time ago that I am going to live to 85 and he could throw anything at me. He has thrown a lot....And he keeps on throwing....But every time he does......I put up more bricks. I have toooooooo much to do and I am only 47. I have grandchildren to meet and projects to do. Go to the doctor and get confirmation. You say that you don't want your parents to find you not breathing....Is it because you don't want to see their reaction? Your parents have been through more than you have....They are pretty "bendable". Give it a try. Let everybody know whether you do or don't. Be kind to your body and your mind. Have a good life!

sherry24

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Joined: 06 Apr 2006
Posts: 185
Location: indiana

Please Go Get Help!!! Posted: 05-15-06 08:37am


How can you put yourself through this??? You've said you think you have cancer, right? For four years??? Don't you think you should go get checked out??? I think its all in your head. You make yourself feel like that. I kinda was the same way. But I sucked it up, went to the doc's, and explained to them what was going on. Turns out that it was from my tmj. You can sit there and say oh, i'm going to die tomorrow. Or will tonight be the last night I see or talk to my loved ones? I'm sorry for saying this but thats stupid. Quit it. Why torment yourself anymore, just go to the doctors, let them help you, cuz it seems to me that its more of a mental situation. Do you really want your parents to find you, and blame themselves for what happened? Please go get checked out, it could all be in your head.

sherry24

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Joined: 06 Apr 2006
Posts: 185
Location: indiana

Posted: 06-06-06 17:12pm


Hey I just wanted to know if your still there. Are you okay??

Heather Faith

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Joined: 10 Jun 2006
Posts: 4
Location: Australia

You Can Do It. Posted: 06-10-06 21:49pm


Hello, i'm new to this game and I have breast cancer her2. Which is a very aggressive type of cancer and genetic. I have been to hell and back, with six months of chemo and then 6 weeks of radiation treament every day. I won't begin to tell you how sick chemo makes you feel, or how radiation burns your skin. I would do this all over again if I have to, and again and again. My life is precious to me and I hope to many people. Don't give up.......Join the amazons club (they also only had one breast). There are people all around you who are dying to help you..You just have to put your hand out. Walk in love and in the light.......There are others out there who do care.

koa

Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy

Joined: 04 Aug 2006
Posts: 63

Hello Posted: 08-06-06 21:12pm


Hi there I was reading your story and I am very bothered. I feel for you, but what I don't understand is why you havn't ever told anyone or even taken yourself to the Dr. You don't know for sure that it is cancer and I am very worried about you. You need to go to the Dr. I know you are making yourself crazy thinking that it is for sure cancer, but you don't know for sure. You need to know because if it is something else not life threatening than you will feel like you wasted all your high school days worrying about something that wasn't even worth it. Please do yourself a favor and go and if you don't want to tell your parents than don't but if it is cancer than they have the right to know about their own daughters health. Please get help! If you ever need to talk you can talk to me...I don't know you but I am here for you!!

abby aka jordz

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Joined: 05 Feb 2007
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Location: lost

First Signs.. Is Wen U First Notice That Scary Lump Posted: 02-05-07 07:54am


I cant remember wen the first time I notice the lump on my left shoulder at first I thought it was coz my bra straps were too tight .. I dunno.. But for the first few months I just ignored it, this is what I call.. The first stage. Denial... U say well its a lump maybe it just dissappear in a few days.. Or maybe it can be cancerous but "no way no one died of cancer in my family, so im in the safe zone" all I know now that I just got out of hospital today is that.. I noticed this lump over 7yrs ago and I like other woman. Became ignorant, and think that ders no way im gna die from cancer. Well hello.. My name is gail short for abigail ( meanning joys of the fathers heart) my parents are both gone my mom now just passed a year on friday 2nd of feb 2007 I finally was scheduled for my surgery. I considered whether or not I would take this chance since I knew already what I had... I spoke to someone who meant alot to me, infact he was my only lifeline, and he gave me the will to go thru this, even tho he was oceans apart, his voice made me feel I could get thru this coz I had a reason to live a little longer just maybe enuff time to undo what I had done and for this I went under the knife and had it removed thinking it would only be a hour or so. 2 hours later I was also having the left side of my ovary removed cancer had spread chances no longer existed, I had left it too long cancelled aptmts after aptmts .. I asked myself " did they get it all?" .. Well they like to think they have.. Until.. One day near.. U notice another lump.. The vomiting increases, the lack of food all these months has a reason behind it now, the nuasea I can sit by now and tell myself.. These were the reasons why you were getting sick.. Why you were depressed, why you were stressed all the time... And why wanting to die was a easy thought that sat in the back of your mind all the time. Well, another blow is that the one person who I thot was the lifeline for me.. Was too busy chatting up another chick.. While I was in surgery. And after comming home a few hrs ago.. Asks me, if its basically ok with me that he has someone else that can make him happy. How can anyone ask such a question? In the end I realize, my life has finally come full circle... What I have done be some good.. Most bad in the last year.... This is the iltimate gift one can recieve... A death wish and to know he can finally smile... So to you all out there... If u notice a lump.. Dont judge take the only choice .. Live .. So get it checked.. Before it becomes cancerous... The choice is yours... Being ignorant and you chose to live your life on a time limit. Im glad I have cancer and to those out there who read this and can laugh .. Laugh all you like..

abby aka jordz

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Joined: 05 Feb 2007
Posts: 2
Location: lost

Her2 Posted: 02-05-07 08:28am


I was told abt her2 from my doctor before I went into surgery.. He said im lucky I havent got to that stage yet .. Im high rate positive.. Which is one less than what you have ... And yeah he suggested radiation and chemo stuff but im not ready to deal with that yet im thinking of letting it go and just well thats wat it states on my patholgy report.. I wish you all the best thats all I can do... I know the dangers that lurks in time we all have been distined to leave this world in some way. We just found out how we are. Peace