|this is way too surreal. I dunno where to begin. Ive been browsing some forums and you guys seem mature enough to handle these matters. And please dont ridicule me for this. The mental abuse I put myself through in my opinion is worse then the physical. So please refrain from telling me how stupid can even begin to describe me. I dont expect replies; ive been living w/ this for 4 years almost and I need to get it off my chest somehow.
I guess I started noticing in 8th grade that I had lumps in both my breasts. By the time my freshman physical came around I cried for my mom not to take me to the doctor because I was scared she was going to find out I have cancer. I looked at the doctor as the enemy instead of the cancer. Im weak, a coward, and for a while in denial of it all. Well I made it through the physical w/ out anyone knowing. I denied it. I thought im way too young I cant have breast cancer. So I never told anyone.
Middle of freshman year I started feeling a pain in my jaw, as well as a couple lumps on the side. I started feeling tingling at different parts of my body here and there. Now im a senior in highschool, and the cancer has spread from my feet to my head. I can feel little lumps and on the side of my head and every now and then some tingling. I see spots.
I dont plan on telling anyone because I figure its too late. The cancer is so advanced I know theres nothing any doctor can do to save me, so why put my family through the months (days? Weeks? Years?) that I have left to live. I just wish I could go back and change everything. I guess what hurts the most is knowing im not going to grow up, get married, have kids, grow old with someone I love. I had 1 b/f for about a month, and I knew I couldnt let it go on any longer. All we did was makeout. How the f**k would I be able to go any farther?
I think I have diabetes. I dunno if thats caused from the cancer or not? I have these bumps on my legs, that feel kinda like mosquito bites. They itch and havent really healed. I looked this up on the internet and I think theyre leg ulcers cause from diab. I have mild depression and anxiety. I constantly think about death. I cant believe I let it get this far. I guess sometimes im still kind of in denial. I just wish I knew how long I had to live. Im scared im going to have a stroke or seizure or heart attack or something. I always think about the day I die, how upset everyones going to be, all the unanswered questions. But whats the point in saying anything now?
The bottom part of my stomach seems kind of swollen. Like no matter how hard I suck it in it still sticks out. Sometimes my heart palpitates and I think im going, but maybe its from stress. The bottom of my eyes are a little yellow. It seems to have gone away but itll prolly come back.
Sometimes I think about killing myself cause its too much to handle. Sometimes I dont feel affected by this and sometimes it hits me real hard, like I have !**@! cancer. Im going to die from this. I never told anybody. Had I told my doctor freshman year I could have been alive. I feel tumors on the bones of my arms and legs, and lower back. Sometimes I get sharp pain in my head and I pray to god I make it another day.
I am mentally addicted to pot. It helps me be in a better mood. I love the stuff. But when I smoke by myself sometimes I get so depressed all I can think about is death and I shut everyone away. I snap at everyone on the littlest things and I know why. Im sure ill delete this post or not post on here again. I just need someone/anyone to know. Its been about 4 years that ive lived with this and its killin me. I also have hair on my thighs and lower back. I dunno if this has something to do with my hormones? Or the cancer? I dunno.
I cant deal anymore. Ive kept this in. I dunno what else to say.
If you feel a lump or think somethings wrong dont waste your time posting on here about it. Go to a doctor! Listen to your body. The only real comfort youll get by knowing that its nothing to worry about is by dealing with it. I just wish I knew how long I had to live.
I guess thats all
|:/ im glad you guys arent being mean about this. I thought itd go a differ. Way. I do feel better talking about it though. It is some relief
sam-thanks but dont feel sorry for me! I did this to myself. Who the hell doesnt tell anyone they think they have cancer, then let it drag on this far?!!! Its absurd that im even talking about this! I have to be the only person in the world dumb (or scared) enough not to say anything. This is when it hits me, when I realize its not some disease or emotional problem its cancer. Its my life!!!
Nursechick-"you dont know for sure if its cancer" oh I know its cancer. Now that its spread I can feel lumps (or tumors or whatever) in just about every part of my body. A normal person doesnt have that.
"get yourself to a doctor dont you think the shock of dropping dead out of the blue one day will be much harder on your family than them knowing something could be wrong with you and allowing them to mentally prepare themselves in case god forbid you do die????????"
getting to a doctor wont change anything. I cant describe the pain of knowing how much im going to hurt my family. I keep thinking my moms going to walk in one morning thinking ive overslept for school or something and ill be gone. Thats my worst fear. Im 17 years old I most likely wont make it till next year??
+ seeing a doctor makes it all the more real. Like I want to hear "it is cancer and you dont have long to live" or however long he'll tell me I have. I just want to make it through the holidays. I cant do it. I think about it all the time, seeing a doctor but I cant bring myself to do it.
I did try one time. I had a horrible cold. I couldnt keep myself from coughing every 2 mintues. And my stomach/chest area felt weird. I dunno I thought it was spreading to my lymph notes or something. So I begged my mom to take me to the er and once I got her out of the room and the doctor asked is there anything you want to tell me all I could ask was for a note to get out of swimming for school because I didnt want to be seen in a suit in front of everyone. So I never told her. They took some chest xrays and it was just a bad "viral infection." then I came home and it was gone a week later.
I also one night woke up from the worst stomach pain in my entire life. It wasnt just a stomach ache it was different; felt like someone stabbed me repeatedly with a knife or something. Every single night for 3 weeks I woke up at the exact same time, 3 am. And had this pain until about 3 or 4 in the afternoon. Then it went away and id always dread going to sleep cause I knew id wake up at this time. Thats when I first thought about k***ing myself the pain was too freakin unbearable. I didnt know if it was a stomach ulcer or the cancer or what.But for some reason my mom wouldnt take me to the hospital she kept telling me I was over reacting (considering she didnt know how much in pain I was) and it went away. But if I ever feel that again im def. Going to e.R. Now that I can drive myself
and no im not losing any weight which I think is kind of weird. I wish I were!! For a while I used food as a good comfort and gained some weight. I weigh like, I dunno 150 or something, and im really dieting/working out to lose it now realizing im only using food as a comfort. And I know im obviously not a doctor or anything and I cant really diagnose myself with anything but I have just about every symptom of borderline personality disorder, which I know the cause is the cancer. Its the cause of all my problems. But I dont feel like talking anymore so im gonna go