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hey there I am 34 years old and just last year starting cutting myself. The thought of ever inflicting pain on myself was inconceviable. I have had many issues threw the years, I was an alcoholic by 13 had my first child at 18 and many other ups and major downs throughout my life. I don't know what made the thought even cross my mind.
I was just recently divorced and in a relationship with a very kind and caring man( not really a man he was only 18 when we started dating). I was happy and things ccouldn'thave been better. I know you would think the age thing might have been an issue but he was a family friend and I believed age was just a number. I felt I was with someone my own age and they ripped my heart out so why not try someone younger, plus you really cant chose who you fall in love with it just happens.
Any way back to the cutting. I have always been into pain. It never really bothered me it actually gave me a natural high. But I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and that brought my pain to a higher level so I had to up my threshold. At first it was just alittle hear and there in iintimatesetting and then it crossed over into my life. I was hurting inside and could not seem to handle the pain so one day when I was angry I feel and scratched my self pretty bad and I noticed that I was not angry anymore.
So after that everytime something was more than I could handle I would cut. I would also were long sleeves in the summer so no one saw the cuts or used the excuse that my kitten scratched me. In time it got real bad I ended up messing up my arm. There are really bad scares all up it and there is a spot where all I had was a dull knife and I took of major layers of skin in the attempt to make my emotional pain, physical. Well me and that guy broke up and I never did it again till my step father died. I was drinking and crying and my heart was breaking and I pulled out my knife and cut, not bad just enough but at that moment a friend who I really cared about( yes male and my age) came to see if I was ok and caught me. Oh my god was in embarrassed. He took the knife and held me in his arms and I realized that there was something else that could take the pain away and that was love, the fact that someone cared enough to stop me. I believe that if I never got caught I might have continued doing it. Well it has been months and not 1 cut and my trusty knife is locked away in my safe and if I want it I need to go find the key then pull out the safe. In all this time looking I calm down and call a friend and they talk me back to normal ( or as normal as I can be). :d
everyday I see the scares and they make me mad! How could I do that to myself and I did have to explain to my 12 year old what they were somewhat. I know that you might not think that there is a way to not cut but there is. I am sure you have one friend that you trust more than anyone else well make that person your sponsor ( like in aa). He or she is the one you can call no matter what time or day and will talk you out of hurting yourself.
You are young and you don't want to have to carry your scars around for the rest of your life like I will. The questions never stop. If I meet a new guy he is always like what happened to you? Do I want to tell him the truth, not really but I have to be honest. So what ever you do remember to find another way to channel that pain. Physical isn't always better than emotional. Sometime the emotional pain is what makes us stronger. So stop and think next time or hopefully there wont be a next time.... Take care and if you ever need an email sponsor or an im sponsor just call on me :lol:
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