I am 19 and have also starved myself taken diet pills and force vomited. Vomiting has become my main thing. Bulimics and anorexics can crossover with behaviors meaning anorexics can purge and bulimics can restrict. I think the important thing to realize is that u have symptoms of eating disorders and it is scary. Labels aren't really the important part but realizing that u r having a problem is though it can take along time. When I first sarted to throw up I only did it like once a month!! And I thought that is no problem at all problem is it still caused me emotional pain and and fear and it isolated me because I couldn't tell anyone. Also when I intially starved mysely I did it the 2 weeks before I had competitions so I could feel good in my uniform thinking 2 weeks every once in awhile is no big deal. Well right now I am taking a nutrition class and I just learned that it only takes 12 hours of not eating for your baody to think it is starving and at that point anything u eat your body will do its best to turn it to fat so u have stored energy. That fact definitely freaked me out. When I stopped competing and constantly exercising my fear of gaining weight increased and my eating disorder got worse. I am so sorry that u threw up blood that was one of the scariest things that ever happened to me. Neither of my parents know about my ed however I have now been seeing a therapist that specializes in eating disorders for 10 months. It was the hardest thing to go there especially bc I don't do good talking about myslef in general I thought I was going to be sick I was so nervous but I went and the first time I was there I cried the whole 50 mins but at this point I still cry the whole time often but I also enjoy discovering what about me has made me susceptible to an eating disorder and also what I like about it and what fears I have. Anyway take care,
m

Hi, I am 15 and have been dealing with an ed in the exact same way. I started off the same way and I have been thinking about getting help. I think it have been wanting to get help after I had it for 6 months. Now it is a year later and I am still trying to get to the point were I am able to get help. A year ago it wasn't that bad. I still purged but thats the only thing I did. Now I take diet pills and try to starve myself. I use to weigh 125 and now I am around 100-104 and maybe 5'1. I really hope that you make the desicion to get help. I use to just get depressed and sit there for hours just wanting to tell my parents but got to scared. I wanted to get help to but I have never gotten along to it yet. Now I am at the stage in my life where I need to get help. Have you talked to your friend about getting help or anything. I think that you can be bulimic and anerexic at the same time. I had a posts asking that and I think that they said it was possible. I hope that you get help.

Thank you for answering my questions...Its nice to know that there are others out there just like me...I am really glad that you are doing better....Lately I have been eating more but I am so terrified..I can't seem to throw up anymore and it is freaking me out...I just wish I could because I can't just give up food anymore and I really don't want to get fat...Why can't I throw up anymore?Does this mean I am going to get better?These past few weeks have been the hardest I think..I am going back into my depression state and I feel like I have gain everything back that I had lost...And now I am think that I am such a bad person in everything way..I seem to have lost to have lost all my friends and most of all, I feel so alone...What can I do to stop feeling this way...?

This is so weird because I feel like this is the exact same thing...Nice to know I can relate to someone...Lately I have been feeling extra self conscious and very depressed...I am going back into my state of depression and I feel so alone...My good friend knows that I am going through this but she has too worry about herself before she can help me...And I feel bad that I talk to her about it because it is very hard on her...For these past fews days I have been eating a lot and I can't stop...But I also can't throw up anymore and I am freaking out...I just want to be able to "get rid" of my food like I did before but I can't...I have tried to stop eating but food is so tempting and I keep thinking, maybe I can t rid of it this time...Uhh whats wrong with me? And thanks for responding back...

I think that after a while food gets addicting. That is probably were the binge eating comes in at. I feel the same way. I eat so much and I just can't ever stop it feels like if I eat one thing I have to eat everything. I do purge but not everything I can tell. I am in the same state I feel really consious. I think it is really weird cause relate in almost everyway that you talk about in your post I remeber when I was in your exact spot and I still am. I don't know why it gets like that after a while to were you can't purge. I was like that but then I learned little tricks. I know how you feel about getting depressed cause you ate alot and can't purge. I rember last year around christmas I had been bulimic for about 5 months. I wasn't able to purge anymore I cut myself cause I didn't know what else to do. I really didn't see how it helped in anyway though I mean I still had the weight. It was even depressing cause it was around x-mas and the only thing our family does is celebrate and make awesome foods lol. I will be here if you wanna talk.....

I totally know what you mean by feeling freaked out because you can't purge. For me it is hard to say when I actaully became bulimic because for so long I could only get a little up or none at all it made me so angry. I wish I could tell you that not being able to purge will make you better but I am afraid it doesn't work like that if you purge to make yourself feel better you will also find other ways. It is so doing it complicated it is crazy.

You are not a bad person believe me though it may feel impossible to believe know one who fears being a bad person actually is one. An eating disorder is very isolating because it is a secret from most it becomes an obsession and it is a big task to deal with that can scare people away. It sounds like you are thinking about getting help and you want to feel better because u r not happy right now. I think no one with an eating disorder will get help until they are ready it is absolutely terrifying and it took me 4 months of thinking about it to actually do it. Telling parents is hard because there is so much history and guilt and blame. I think that a good person to tell is someone who is older (i ended up telling my coach) someone who is caring and wants to support you, your friends due to their age and lives right now probably can't support you. Maybe you have a coach or a teacher or a family friend or neighbor you can tell. Things they can do that are helpful are listen give hugs show continued support let you know they care and at the point I knew I had to get help (i was dizzy depressed my face was swollen) I couldn't call a therapist all I could do was cry and cry but my coach called for me.

Let me know how you are doing and what you think.
Inezrina

yes food does get addicting and I hate it..Its like a drug....It is so weird, for the past few weeks I havent been able to get anything up and I mean nothing unless I drank something to make me throw up...But yesturday and today, I ate to the point it made me feel like I had to get sick...I felt so horrible but I was so happy so be able to do it again...It was like release of everything that has been building up inside of me for these past fews weeks...And I missed the feeling,its kinda of crazy if you actually think of it...I feel nuts and weird...Oh and I am so scared because xmas and thanksgiving is coming up.Ahhh!Lol...Now what do I do about that...???I just wanna sleep on those holidays...If you ever wanna talk you can im me on bromarcusisses....Thanx for commenting back...

This is getting so much more complicating and confusing...Yesturday and today I have actually been able to get everything back up..I have been eating to the point where I just feel like I have to trhow up..And the weird thing is, is that its not a lot at all!Like I had a hotdog and a whole bag of reesepieces and I just ran to the bathroom(at the movies) and I had to use a little help but not much...I felt weird as caca because I was like excited to be able to do it again..It was like release of everything I have been holding inside for the few weeks I havent been able to purge...And I have used other ways for awhile like laxatives..Man they were horrible..Lol...Lately I have been feeling like I need help but I really dont believe I am ready yet to actually approach anyone and take that step...There is a teacher I almost told and I know I could talk to her but I really dont want her to say anything to my parents....Can they do that,tell me parents?I feel like I would have to approach them and I wouldn't want that coming from a teacher when I was ready for them to know...But I have been having crazy mood swings and keep jumping in and out of depression...I hate that part...Why does your face get swollen...My face has gotten much skinnier and my friends say that it is almost like drawn out...If that makes any sense...Lol..But honestly its not the funhouse miror im looking into, my I really am not that skinny...Like im 5'1 and only like 100-105 pounds...My friend said it looked weird because I got the legs and butt(which I lost most of) and my upper body is so doing it skinny...So I look unproportional...Im not sure if said this before but I feel like everyone thinks im too skinny and I feel im not skinny enough,i lose either way...

My internet is down but I wrote you a reply I really wan to send I may send it later tonight or tomorrow

Ok so I get how you would feel glad to be able to throw up again. I mean I have been there, the first time I was really able to get everything up or so I thought I felt like I had achieved something great. It is like a relief when you do it. And yes it is scary you get excited about throwing up because that isn't how it is supposed to be but I have been there too and still am sometimes. I recently took a trip to europe and didn't throw up for 2 weeks I was absoolutely dying to get home so I could do it. It can feel so good and you crave it. When you r bulimic your face and neck become swollen because of the vomiting. The glands on your neck get swollen and your eyelids get puffy it isn't pretty. Sometimes your eyelids can bruise too and I broke a blood vessel in my eye once it was so embarassing everyone was asking me what happened. When u talk about vomiting being a release that is exactly what it is a release from many other thangs than just food for me I had a lot of anxiety and I felt so self conscoios all the time trowing up was an escape from me I was alone and it made me feel good. Anyone who knows anything about eating disorders will praise you for getting help and being brave enough to come forward. I think that if you tell your teacher they will not tell your parents they will listen to you, they will be supportive and help how they can but they can't force you to do anything a a teacher is a perfect person to tell because they know all this they know it will be hard for you to come forward and they know not to pressure you. Tell them how you feel and what steps u think u can take at the moment if any u may feel totally trapped. When I first told a dr I thought I was going to get a lecture and she would be angry and think I was dumb but instead she told me how she knew how hard it was for me to come in and she took everything really slow and made sure I was comfortable. About your body, when u feel the healthiest u will feel the best about your body that might sound cheesey and stupid and like something a therapist would say but I didn't mean it that way right now I am taking a cardio class and I feel stronger and I liek my body better now than I did all summer when I was throwing up everything I ate.
Inezrina

finally someone who gets me a little more...Lol...Well about a week ago, I had like amental breakdown in school and I told that teacher I was going to talk to and she let me know that she was already aware and that I should go to the counselor...So I went to the counselor and she let me know that one of my peers went down to her saying they were concerned and apparently another teacher went downt ot the nurse letting them know I had a huge weight loss...So I feel like everyone is catching on...The counselor is going to be talkign to my dad(who already knows) and I am going to be seeing a therapist or whatever...But I have been really good about getting sick...See my bff is now getting help and is ina clinic for about 2 weeks so I have no one to talk to or anything...So all weekend(4 day weekend) I just sat around and ate...I gained a few pounds and freaked so today I havent eaten anything...Im going on my one a day salad diets...Ahh this is goign to be so hard...I just cant purge anymore,tires me out so bad and my throat has been killing me...I feel like I have just made it up in my mind I have a problem...I told my boyfriend and everything adn he seemed understanding but then he asks me later on if I just "thought" I had a problem or whatever..I mean do bulimics or anorexics just eat soemtimes and not purge or do something to get rid of it...?I did that this weekend and if I had a problem wouldnt I try and try until I could throw up...?And now I got people who are making rude comments about it..Like my brother must have overheard me adn he called me bulimic white trash and asked if tehse were the fingers I used to stick down my throat..And then you got this boy who assumes I have a problem and tellls me to stick my figners down my throat...Uhg im just all confused...People are so cruel...And right now I am always depressed and feel sooo alone its not even funny...No one evens calls me anymore,maybe they know that food and weight is all ill talk about....Got any advice?????????????

O people are cruel I am so sorry about that some people don't understand in the slightest I also feel like it is too bad that for example this teacher didn't offer to go and talk to the counselor with you. It is very important to have some support because aking steps like seeing a therapist or telling anyone is so scary, so scary in fact that it seems impossible. Ok I don't know if it will be any good me saying this because it is all the point the point u r at I think u r still in denial which is ok it is one of the steps sometimes bulimics don't binge or purge sometimes the binge and don't purge sometimes they eat little and purge. See an eating disorder is about a lot of things like maybe u don't have symptoms like restricitng or binging or purging but u r obsessed with food. I think you have a problem and it is causing pain to you guilt physical pain fear. Let me tell you about me I was totally obsessed with dieting and I lost weight at different time only two times when I really lost a lot of weight other than that for the 10 years I have had my eating disorder I have been at a healthy weight when my coach was trying to convince me I had a problem and I needed help I was liek no I have some issues with food but no eating disorder I am normal weight. Well turns out bulimcs can be any weight really over under normal and the criteris for having an eating disorde the whole purging atleast twice a week for some amount of weeks thta is bullsh*t if you decide to go tot he extremeof purging any time there is a problem that needs to be acknowledged and taken care of. Sorry if this makes no sense. My advice is do what u know is right and best for yourself and ignore everyone who doens't help you. And if you need someone to talk to I am here and you can write me as much as u like I am also feeling incredibly alone.

Well thak you for understanding...Well I feel like everyone is saying all this stuff about how much I need help and how I need to stop, but no one is giving any initiative to help...May I ask you how you mean I might still be in denial?Does it look like I feel like I am okay?Like in my mind its like I know that this is not normal to think and make sucha big deal over just food....And like I know when I get sick that isnt right either, but its almost like it will just go away in time or soemthing or like maybe I can tkae care of myself...Its almost like I want this disorder in a way, it helps me(control) and I know it sounds so bad but it is a way to get people to actually notice me...Its almost like I like the attention, even if its maybe not the best...May I ask you how you have delt with it and experienced yourself with this whole "situation"?? I know it sounds weird and crazy but its like im obssessed with the whole fact of an eating disorder, I wanna know all about it and how I can relate to it...Well I have to go but if it is easier to talk you may im me on bromarcusisses....Well thanks for all your support...
P.S. Feel free to also talk about whats on your mind...How do you feel alone

Hi, sorry it took me so long to write... 2 weeks ago I got really depressed and started to hate everything about myself so I decided I was going to starve myself and binge and purge until I felt better about myself or I was put in the hospital or I died. I am still on this rampage but I am feeling a little better. Ia m just really lonely and so sick of my llife.

I don't know if u are in denial or not though getting on here and writing about your ed is a good step I don't really know what I meant by u being in denial I am sorry if it offended u I just know there r a lot of different steps to changing and we all have to go thropugh all of them.

I know what u mean about wanting attention it ios still something I haven't admitted to my therapist but I want attentiona nd I want help and I want people to care. Have you been talking to your school counselor?

I am really sorry to hear that you feel that way about yourself..For you just to talk to me makes you a good person and im glad that you always comment back with your opinion...I really can relate because I have been really bad with the whole ed thing right now..I actually almost bloacked out today or soetmhing cuz I felt so weird because I havent really been eating at like all and what little I do eat, I trhow it back up...Uhm good news though...I went to another counselor who wanted to talk to me awhile because the nurse at school was concerned but she had heard I talked to the other counselor who I approached...But anyways I told her that I did have a problem and she set up an appointment with a specialist and said that she wanted to do it right away because on a scale of 1-10(10 being the worst)she thought I was about an 8 or 9...She said I look healthy but she is concerned about my mental state...She thinks I am really depressed and wants me to talk to someone and she said later down the road I might have to go to an eating disorder clinic...I feel likei kinda wanna be sick....Its like a comfort or something..I told the school counselor that I feel like im making it up or like its not big enough to make such a big deal about it and she reassured me that is was a problem and that I am not making this up....But deep down I am like paranoid she thinks im lying..I feel like everyone is lying to me about the whole issue...Ahh, it sucks...I really dont think talking to a therapist is really going to help though because I have talked to people and its not a release...I can talk about, but its like not going away...And my depresseion feels like its getting stronger...I feel liek I jsut want this too kill me so all the people that have made fun of this or stabbed me in the back will get a reality check..Or I jsut wanna get so sick that they all have pity and can feel guilty...Am I crazy??Lol...I really think im getting there...Oh and I wrote my mom a letter explaning id be better at my dads and told her I think I had a problem with my eating but I am jsut too scared to give it too her...And I feel like everyone knows about my ed(if thats what this is) and there are so many rumors about it going around...Man word gets around fast, and even when I didnt tell like anybody...Got a ? For you...Does depression cause an eating disorder or does an eating disorder cause depression...It jsut seemed like the counselor was more worried and made it seem like my depression was bigger than the ed...Idk..Well sorry this email is confusing and just everywhere...But jsut write back when you get a chance...Thanx..

P.S.And everytime you feel like you wanna jsut give up, just think of the people who care about you and how much you help others like me!Lol...I dont know if you are a christian or not, but you should try and pray about it...It might make you feel better:-)

I am really sorry to hear that you feel that way about yourself..For you just to talk to me makes you a good person and im glad that you always comment back with your opinion...I really can relate because I have been really bad with the whole ed thing right now..I actually almost bloacked out today or soetmhing cuz I felt so weird because I havent really been eating at like all and what little I do eat, I trhow it back up...Uhm good news though...I went to another counselor who wanted to talk to me awhile because the nurse at school was concerned but she had heard I talked to the other counselor who I approached...But anyways I told her that I did have a problem and she set up an appointment with a specialist and said that she wanted to do it right away because on a scale of 1-10(10 being the worst)she thought I was about an 8 or 9...She said I look healthy but she is concerned about my mental state...She thinks I am really depressed and wants me to talk to someone and she said later down the road I might have to go to an eating disorder clinic...I feel likei kinda wanna be sick....Its like a comfort or something..I told the school counselor that I feel like im making it up or like its not big enough to make such a big deal about it and she reassured me that is was a problem and that I am not making this up....But deep down I am like paranoid she thinks im lying..I feel like everyone is lying to me about the whole issue...Ahh, it sucks...I really dont think talking to a therapist is really going to help though because I have talked to people and its not a release...I can talk about, but its like not going away...And my depresseion feels like its getting stronger...I feel liek I jsut want this too kill me so all the people that have made fun of this or stabbed me in the back will get a reality check..Or I jsut wanna get so sick that they all have pity and can feel guilty...Am I crazy??Lol...I really think im getting there...Oh and I wrote my mom a letter explaning id be better at my dads and told her I think I had a problem with my eating but I am jsut too scared to give it too her...And I feel like everyone knows about my ed(if thats what this is) and there are so many rumors about it going around...Man word gets around fast, and even when I didnt tell like anybody...Got a ? For you...Does depression cause an eating disorder or does an eating disorder cause depression...It jsut seemed like the counselor was more worried and made it seem like my depression was bigger than the ed...Idk..Well sorry this email is confusing and just everywhere...But jsut write back when you get a chance...Thanx..

P.S.And everytime you feel like you wanna jsut give up, just think of the people who care about you and how much you help others like me!Lol...I dont know if you are a christian or not, but you should try and pray about it...It might make you feel better:-)

I am glad you talked to a different counselor it sounds like this one is really wanting to help. And that is positive.

Thanks for the kind words it made me feel good. Today sucked I was supposed to get these packages from my friend in europe and I was really excited to see what she sent and then I found out that the post office sent them back because only my roommates name is on the box. It was weird because I have gotten other mail but not the packages anyway I totally lost it I went straight to the store and bought icecreama nd then came home and seriously like threw a fit I was just so looking forward tot he packages and now they are on there way back.

To answer your question I am not sure what comes first the eating disorder or the depression. I guess it depends some though I think I was depressed first though I didn't realize it. When I was little I really looked forward to events to make me happy and then was often disappointed and I also had a lot of anxieties when I was 6 I went to my cousin's wedding and they rode a rollercoaster after the ceremony and I feared I wouldn't ever be brave enough to go on a rollercoaster. Ok they story made no sense but I think I was depressed first I was always unhappy with my body especially my stomach because I had an outty belly button and I hated it.

I am really impressed by your honesty. You have said some things I feel like I have needed to say out loud and to my therapist for a long time. I think I want to be sick as well I don't want to deal with life anymore I want to just be to sick to live I also want people to care about me and take care of me. I feel as though I have tried to have an eating disorder like for so long I thought it was all my decidsion and I shoudl be able to stop it because it was something I wanted I wanted to have an eating disorder. I also had so much anger at people who hurt me so I also wanted to show them. You are not crazy at all it is just that we r both trying to get what we need.

That is great to u wrote a letter for your mom even if she never reads it it is a good step and now that u have written it down maybe it will come out easier at another time.

Inezrina

Oh my godch!!I have big news to tell you and I dont know how I should feel right now...Well I talked to my therapist and he asked me how my eating was and I told him I havent really been eating like anything and today I threw up a crap load of food...And he told me I have to go to st josephs(hospital) for eating disorders...I started crying cuz I am so scared...I dont think I am that bad to where I have to go to extremes....Plus I dont want to get fat cuz I seee my friend in recovery and she is starting to put on pounds and I dont want that...Plus once my ed is gone,what am I elft with?Still no friends,a caca family who hates me, and nothing going for me...Omg I am so scared...I am going to relapse..I dont want help anymore....I jsut want to hold onto it...I have never felt so mad about soemthing like this....I know I can handle it...If I could get the depression away,then id be fine...I am just going to lie and pretend im eating...I went to my counselor to just talk about it, and then she sent me to the therapist,and thats oaky too but now they want to see a nutrionist and specialist...Oh no,this is not right...Please right me back,i am so scared and yet so pissed off at what they are doing, taking this away from me..I was fine at first and okay and wanted to get rid of it but now I dont want the help I wanna take it all back

:cry: sam

O my god I can't believe he said that I don't get it I mean unless you have been to a Dr. And they say that you are not healthy enough to be an outpatient there is no reason for you to go to the hospital because he tells u to. I mean it really has to be partly your decision to go there or else it will do nothing I don't think it was smart of him to say that at all like you said you will just lie. For the longesat time I was afraid to tell my very worst thoughts to my therapist because I was afraid she would send me to a hospital but at this point I have told her I have felt suicidal and I have told her I have been throwing up a minimum if 2 times a day and right now we agree I need more help so in a way I am in the smae place in 2 weeks once finals r over I am either goignto have to see a therapist 2 or threee times a week or go in to a residential program because my eating is out of control but it is my choice. Sorry I went off on that. I totally understand u being scared I mean what if the hospital is like torture that is what I fear that I will hate it and still be bored and lonely and I am so bad at talking to therapists I just cry. If right now what u have to do is lie to him I understand that if u aren't ready to go into a hospital then u aren't I am not ready to do it my parents don't even know how sick am I spent the last 5 days at there house and threw up time after time and they have no idea. Maybe this therapist is not a good match do u like him otherwise? Have you found him helpful? Do u like going there? Ok I have to go to class I write u later.
Inezrina