I was first told I was depressed back in
winter of 2000, when I was in debt and
stuck in a job I could not stand, I was
moody, and I would get worked up over the
slightest thing.
I was then fired from my job in the
beginning of 2001 and I took another job
in the spring. I%u2019d taken some
anti-depressants and was feeling better.
I also moved into a new house having been
fired from my job, as I needed another
place to live. So moved over the road
from my parents. I think this is the
point when things started to go really
wrong for me.
I can only describe where I live now as a
place with a real anti-social behaviour
problem and my life has been pure hell.
Without going into too much detail, I have
been very depressed for around the past 18
months and have not really seeked any help
for it.
The job I took in 2001, I quite in august
2003 as it was getting me down, and
i%u2019d being depressed for most of that
year with the problems I was experiencing
where I live. I went sick for a little
over a year in which I tried to move house
but am struggling to get re-housed.
I took a new job in november 2004, which I
enjoy but I am more depressed than ever
with home life problems and several times
this year have thought of suicide as an
option to end the crap life I have.
I%u2019ve been under going tests to see if
I have pcos and will know one way of
another in december. I have been
diagnosed as a type 2 diabetic 4 weeks
ago. I suspected for years I had pcos,
and so if m hormones are all over the
place, along with being depressed anyway +
add all this to living in a real nightmare
it%u2019s no wonder I am not getting
feelings of suicide.
I even went as far as setting a target of
31st december in which I would prefer not
to go into another year feeling like this.
I%u2019ve found myself over the past
couple of months cleaning out the house,
in order to put things in order.
My mum is sick with renal failure and so I
have been her main carer for many years
hence why I also live nearby to look after
her. I think she is the only reason I
have not carried out killing myself as I
know it will be the finally straw for her,
but I am also getting past thinking of
this and thinking more of me all the time.
I want to fight this, I need to move, I
need some time out, but it seems there is
very little support for me as I struggle
to tell me what I really feel like, and I
always put on a front when underneath I am
crumbling.
I have one friend who knows about my
thoughts of suicide and also offers me
some support, she has been there herself
having had a breakdown back in 1998 when
her mother died. She was the friend who
prompted me to see my doctor with the
depression back in 2000.
I would consider myself to have a good
doctor, but I struggle to tell them what I
am feeling like and how this is really
affecting me. I finally last week put
down in writing what I was going though
and posted it to my doctor last week.
I am scared, I feel empty and alone, there
seems to be only my little dog that I want
to stay around for.
I know I have ocd, and some of my
obsessions have become really bad lately
that I have started to take them to work.
I want to see my gp next week in follow up
with the letter, but how do I get myself
to not clam up in order to get the
treatment I really really need.
