Hi i`m not sure if I will be any help but I really feel for you through all your pain but the thing that strikes me is that you are having anxiety attacks, all the symptoms you describe I have ahad a touch of myself. You certainly are normal and you will be ok!
My first panic attack struck and I thought I was dying I relied soley on my mother, which I did for some time but I have realised that I cannot depend on her it makes things even worse. You need your independence. I think that when your on your own you maybe fear what might happen to you because that person isn`t near by, you feel alone, your more concious of all those little twinges in your body, the negative thoughts, your mind is conditioned into thinking if x person isn`t here I am going to feel this way. It doesn`t have to be this way, I am still an anxious person and it isn`t easy but every day is new and fresh.
I suffer from depersonalisation due to high anxiety, i`m not sure if you have these feelings but its a sensation of being totaly detached from yourself, its so frightening your sure your going mad but of course your not. Have you tried any therapies? I haven`t and i`m not sure if they would help me but I do realise I am causing and perpetuating these thoughts and feelings. I bought the linden method which is helping and can help depression to, he makes you realise everything you feel can be explained and you are the only person who can change it. Depression is horrible and it must be horrendous having it all the time. After all our mind is the most powerful organ and anxiety is really a habit which can be broken.
Like I say i`m not sure if this helps but feel free to contact me if you need someone to talk to
debs
