Recovery is about changing the way you think and feel and the behaviour then follows, its very difficult to change the way you eat when you haven't changed the way you think about food and yourself. Although it is a great thing that you are trying to not purge if it doesn't work out then don't me mad at yourself because the most important thing is that you want to get better and you want to change the way you behave around food.
Before I went to therapy everyday I woke up and said today will be different I will not get sick and I will not eat, everyday I said that to myself and every night I would tell myself that I would start tomorrow but tomorrow never came.
After over a year of therapy I wake up every morning and tell myself that I will not eat nor get sick and still every night I tell myself I will start tomorrow and still tomorrow has never come. Its not easy recovering and I don't want to so that is why I still wake up telling myself the same thing. Although the way I think about has changed, I know that one day I will wake up and tell myself I will not eat and not get sick and one night I will say tomorrow has come.
Do you really want to recover? Its the most freeing thing you will ever experience, it will really change the way you think of yourself and see the world. Although I do not want to recover and I don't know if I ever will, I know that people who do recover live such a fulfilling life although there are hard times but thats life you are just able to cope with the tough times better.
I know I am talking a whole lod of crap so i'll get to the point, I think you are very strong and brave to be fighting the urge to get sick but people do fall and when and if you do then remember you can pick yourself up and try again. You can do this and you will it takes time and effort but you will get there.
Well done for all your doing now and I would really recommend that you see a therapist because that would help alot as well.
I hope your well
take care!
