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Q: Help! Am I Schizophrenic...

asked by: loonyornot on September 6th, 2005

New User

Well, heres the story...

Basically, I think I might be schizophrenic, but I don't know for sure. I'm completely confused and really scared. It all comes down to the fact that in england, where I live, i'm told, that the doctors and families of schizophrenics don't actually tell the sufferer that they have it. My ex had a schixophrenic brother, and she told me that for years her brother had no idea he had it, and the whole family and his few remaining friends didn't admit it to him, he just lived out fantasies without realising they were fantasies, because apparently if you tell a schizophrenic that they have it its the worst thing for them. Anyway the way I feel, and the way I think I act, I wouldn't be surprised if my mum turned round to me and admitted i'm a schizophrenic and everybody knows it but me!

I'm 20, nearly 21, and i've spent a good two years now suspecting this in silence and trying as hard as I can to keep my life together and get on with it without being committed and having my life taken away as a lunatic. But recently, I am finding it really hard to keep the wheels turning on my life, I find myself continually holding a conversation with invisible 'companions'. It seems to be a different person each time, but they are pretty much just ok, they are just sort of listeners, who seem to ask a question or make a comment, and then I just go rambling on in a conversation with them. Sometimes it goes on for hours, but maybe this is just me thinking?!? It tends to be when i'm on my own, but sometimes with other people if I am not talking to them. I need to know - a 'sane' person, do they think about things like this? Do they have, sort of, conversations with themselves? Its like i'm imagnining what I might say if I was in a situation with someone, but then when I think about it I realise that I actually am just having these conversations. I don't know, i'm so confused, i'm sure anyone reading this post probably will be too, because I feel like people don't understand what i'm saying half the time. I walked in on my ex-housemates last year saying something about someone who 'makes no sense at all', and I don't know if they were talking about me, but they could have been.

I don't see things, hallucinations, that I know of, but I know that if I did see things then I would believe they are real so I wouldn't know they are hallucinations anyway, so its pointless assuming anything really. Is schizophrenia like dreams, when everything that is happening is totally surreal, but seems completely normal? I guess thats what its like. It sends a chill down my spine when I wonder if I am just acting completely crazy 24/7 and people just aren't telling me because thats the best thing for me. I work in a shop, and I wonder if my mum has called the other workers there and got them to act normal around me or something. They treat me weirdly for sure. Sometimes I seem to be having a normal conversation with a stranger in the shop, and then they suddenly tense up, surprised, almost as if what I just said was complete nonsense.

I am a paranoid person for sure, I can't help it, I suspect most people around me, it ruined my last relationship and has ruined all of my friendships. I lose interest in knowing people because I just end up convinced they are using me in some way. Maybe they were anyway, I don't think people are that nice. I hate being in crowded places, like a town centre, but I loathe being somewhere like a party, when i'm expected to engage with people and smile and have fun, for some reason it just gets me down, I just end up feeling like i'm making no sense and i'm making a fool of myself.

Anyway its getting worse I think. I'm getting very very depressed with my life, i've got no life really, a handful of people I know, thats it. I guess what makes me most depressed is the possibility i've got schizophrenia, i'm told schizophrenics don't live so long, but I don't known why that would be? Does it always end in suicide or what?

Oh yeah, and I guess the most worrying thing is that schizophrenia is in my family. My uncle went crazy after losing his dad, and over the years he built up a sort of 'plot' in his mind of how he was going to see his dad again, and eventually he did it and murdered his sons, my cousins. It sounds like caca but its true, its a shocking family secret, he killed his kids and then wrapped his van around a tree! Mindfucked. Thats in my family, and schizophrenia is genetic - what a mindfuck for me don't you think?

What makes me think i'm not schizo is that I never feel like hurting myself or anyone basically, and that I cant specifically say I hallucinate. I just constantly carry out conversations with myself when i'm alone or not engaged in conversation.

Well, thats my world, every day is some new, terrible challenge, i'm anxious all the time, I hate being with people I even suspect my family sometimes, so, no caca, am I schizophrenic?

Thanks for any help.

Replies(18)

luvkittykats

replied on September 8th, 2005

Experienced User

Re: Help! Am I Schizophrenic...

loonyornot wrote:

well, heres the story...

Basically, I think I might be schizophrenic, but I don't know for sure. I'm completely confused and really scared. It all comes down to the fact that in england, where I live, i'm told, that the doctors and families of schizophrenics don't actually tell the sufferer that they have it. My ex had a schixophrenic brother, and she told me that for years her brother had no idea he had it, and the whole family and his few remaining friends didn't admit it to him, he just lived out fantasies without realising they were fantasies, because apparently if you tell a schizophrenic that they have it its the worst thing for them. Anyway the way I feel, and the way I think I act, I wouldn't be surprised if my mum turned round to me and admitted i'm a schizophrenic and everybody knows it but me!

I'm 20, nearly 21, and i've spent a good two years now suspecting this in silence and trying as hard as I can to keep my life together and get on with it without being committed and having my life taken away as a lunatic. But recently, I am finding it really hard to keep the wheels turning on my life, I find myself continually holding a conversation with invisible 'companions'. It seems to be a different person each time, but they are pretty much just ok, they are just sort of listeners, who seem to ask a question or make a comment, and then I just go rambling on in a conversation with them. Sometimes it goes on for hours, but maybe this is just me thinking?!? It tends to be when i'm on my own, but sometimes with other people if I am not talking to them. I need to know - a 'sane' person, do they think about things like this? Do they have, sort of, conversations with themselves? Its like i'm imagnining what I might say if I was in a situation with someone, but then when I think about it I realise that I actually am just having these conversations. I don't know, i'm so confused, i'm sure anyone reading this post probably will be too, because I feel like people don't understand what i'm saying half the time. I walked in on my ex-housemates last year saying something about someone who 'makes no sense at all', and I don't know if they were talking about me, but they could have been.

I don't see things, hallucinations, that I know of, but I know that if I did see things then I would believe they are real so I wouldn't know they are hallucinations anyway, so its pointless assuming anything really. Is schizophrenia like dreams, when everything that is happening is totally surreal, but seems completely normal? I guess thats what its like. It sends a chill down my spine when I wonder if I am just acting completely crazy 24/7 and people just aren't telling me because thats the best thing for me. I work in a shop, and I wonder if my mum has called the other workers there and got them to act normal around me or something. They treat me weirdly for sure. Sometimes I seem to be having a normal conversation with a stranger in the shop, and then they suddenly tense up, surprised, almost as if what I just said was complete nonsense.

I am a paranoid person for sure, I can't help it, I suspect most people around me, it ruined my last relationship and has ruined all of my friendships. I lose interest in knowing people because I just end up convinced they are using me in some way. Maybe they were anyway, I don't think people are that nice. I hate being in crowded places, like a town centre, but I loathe being somewhere like a party, when i'm expected to engage with people and smile and have fun, for some reason it just gets me down, I just end up feeling like i'm making no sense and i'm making a fool of myself.

Anyway its getting worse I think. I'm getting very very depressed with my life, i've got no life really, a handful of people I know, thats it. I guess what makes me most depressed is the possibility i've got schizophrenia, i'm told schizophrenics don't live so long, but I don't known why that would be? Does it always end in suicide or what?

Oh yeah, and I guess the most worrying thing is that schizophrenia is in my family. My uncle went crazy after losing his dad, and over the years he built up a sort of 'plot' in his mind of how he was going to see his dad again, and eventually he did it and not a nice acted his sons, my cousins. It sounds like bullhealth question but its true, its a shocking family secret, he killed his kids and then wrapped his van around a tree! Mind!@#^ed. Thats in my family, and schizophrenia is genetic - what a mind!@#^ for me don't you think?

What makes me think i'm not schizo is that I never feel like hurting myself or anyone basically, and that I cant specifically say I hallucinate. I just constantly carry out conversations with myself when i'm alone or not engaged in conversation.

Well, thats my world, every day is some new, terrible challenge, i'm anxious all the time, I hate being with people I even suspect my family sometimes, so, no bullhealth question, am I schizophrenic?

Thanks for any help.

have you seen a doctor yet? Get an appointment with a psychiatrist. Sounds like you do have some sort of illness, I won't go making guesses as to what it might be, but I can tell you that many schizophrenics can live full healthy lives if they get help and take their meds. They can live as long as anyone else. Don't feel terrible if you have it, or any other condition. Mental illness can be treated and controlled just like, say, diabetes or high blood pressure.

desktapper07

replied on August 18th, 2007

New User

Re: Help! Am I Schizophrenic...

I think we have a few key things in common. Here's my story. I had a migraine once and I couldn't take the pain so I shut my eyes and a calm voice came into my head and told me to relax and not focus on the pain. He stayed with me and repeated calm phrases for an hour. When I opened my eyes I felt very, very good.
He is still there, and listens and sometimes gives advice if I ask it. Sometimes words or names will pop into my head and I'll look them up and they are directly related to something I am wondering about. I don't know if that's advice?
But I have panic attacks, and I've been really bad recently. On one panic attack, which was very bad, there was a voice in my head, it actually sounds like a loud thought (like when you get a song stuck in your head you just can't ignore). But it was yelling at me telling me I was going to hell and lots of terrible things. I was going to turn on some relaxing music to drown it out but it demanded I not touch the radio. I was afraid, so I didn't. Then the good voice came in, and he fought the bad voice and demanded it leave in the name of God, so it did, reluctantly.
Sometimes it will creep up and try to confuse me, and act like the good voice and give bad advice. It makes me wary of the good voice, but I know that's exactly what it's trying to do. It makes it harder to hear the good voice. But if I pray about it, I feel better.
The good voice doesn't barge in and start talking. I have to ask for advice or be in a situation of need. But sometimes I feel like I just need someone to talk to because I don't really have any friends. Sometimes it comforts me, so I picture a strong, wise woman and I actually get good advice. Like you said, they listen and sometimes comment. It's things I wouldn't think of myself.
I do think I need to see a psychologist though, just to talk about some issues.
That's my story, anyway.
But in your case, I was reading an article, and apparently lots of people have little conversations in their heads. We're all confused and in need with our woes and problems. Having an ideal person to talk to, even if we make them up, is a healthy thing I think.
I'm not a doctor, but I really do think you're alright.
I'd love to hear back from you, let me know how you're doing!

loonyornot wrote:

Stan

replied on August 18th, 2007

Moderator

I doubt you're schizophrenic, though it sounds like you have something going on. Without hallucinations, delusions and a few other symptoms, it's not possible. I talk to myself sometimes and even act out parts of books I write to make them more realistic, but really get lost in the characters I portray and I'm sure if someone walked in on my they'd think I was insane.

callitkarma

replied on June 15th, 2009

New User

About the uncle...i read on a website that schizophrenia genetics are 4-6 times likelier to pass on to you if your second family (uncles, aunts, cousins) suffer or have suffered from it. That could be important when wondering if you are schizophrenic. I read up alot on the illness and it sounds to me that you have most of the common signs of it.

mikedarkkid

replied on July 17th, 2009

Experienced User

Schizophrenia, or just chronic depression and paranoia?

Stan, u are right about not having hallucinations probably meaning not schizophrenia, but not having delusions doesn't matter. Delusions are only the symptom of paranoid schizophrenia, one of 5 types of schizophrenia. I still don't think that you are schizophrenic though,loonyornot, just paranoid and probably some chronic depression.

mariah79

replied on July 17th, 2009

Supporter

hello there i hope u haven't got schizophrenia. my uncle use to hear voices in his head he looked him self in his room and he was dirty his nails are tall and his hair too he didn't shower he was sick he refuse to talk to people he isolate him self suddenly he shot himself. it was so sad afamily tragedy he was a smart engineer. my mom was a paranoid she use to abuse me verbaly and search my room daily she spy on me. my phone calls she chick on me every hour i wake up times at midnight because of her opening the door very hard as if she suspect am doing something wrong. her other brother is crazy he beats up every one he is very agressive he almost killed his sis. so i always think since half of my uncles are like that then i might have some genes. specially that i talk to my self for hours imagening people in a conversation i suffer from panic attack when im in an elevator or a train or even when i walk i have no idea why even when im happy. i also feel that men are bad and they always want to use me. its becausei have ben used many time. so i wonder if am sick too. although am living normaly am happy and have many friends

mikedarkkid

replied on July 17th, 2009

Experienced User

sorry. i have got it. and i'm sorry for u if uv got it to

mariah79

replied on July 17th, 2009

Supporter

how did you know if you have it . i haven't got it hun. i don't hear voice or see people i just imagen people and talk to them for ours so i think its not schizo

mikedarkkid

replied on July 18th, 2009

Experienced User

I know i've got it because my doctor has diagnosed me with it. I was saying sorry to loonyornot.

mariah79

replied on July 18th, 2009

Supporter

don't feel down hun you will be ok . when i was 16 i was under a lot of stress and abuse i use to hear voices 2 talking to each other arguing mostly in my head 2 guys am the third person but i do not participate i just hear them arguing about my action or about what am about to do as if they are reading my mind they come up only when im alone but when ever im with my friends or family member talking and participating in something the voices do not come but i use to convince my self its either my brain and my heart or my angel and demin talking loud in my head i never knew what schizo...... but at that period i use to write the conversation that i use to hear in my head in my diary. then i started praying a lot specially at midnight and reading our holy book (quran) every day at 19 i never heard their voices again.till now i almost forget them i guess there is a sort of healing in the holy book

mikedarkkid

replied on July 19th, 2009

Experienced User

Thanks, but i don't believe in religion.

mariah79

replied on July 19th, 2009

Supporter

u remind me of my uncle he didn't i hope he rest in peace i hope god forgive him and protect his soul from any harm.
my advice don't be alone and take the medications

mikedarkkid

replied on July 19th, 2009

Experienced User

23432

replied on July 26th, 2009

New User

Look, if you know, you can fight it, even though you're not supposed to know because your brain is being damaged in that part, or most brains are -- not mine. Unfortunately, it doesn't go away, but you can work on it.

ravager

replied on July 27th, 2009

New User

i actually have undefined schizophrenia, theres four types, paranoid undfined hallucigenic and catatonic. catatonic is where they stay in one positon for long periods of time, halluci and paranoid r really self explanatory, and undifened usually is a mixture of them all so the doctors cant decide on one specific type they just stick you with no name basically Razz

to me it sounds like you have paranoid, and your friends may not have even been talking about someone at all when they said makes no sense, but then again you shouldnt never accept anyones evaluation of your mental status unless they are a psychiatrist/psychologist, even if they themselves have schizophrenia.

NoLeb82

replied on July 27th, 2009

New User

i have hallucinations and had delusions. the problem is that i think some of them come from god not part of schizophrenia which is the worst thought. and a lot of them tell me that i might go to hell. and had one hallucination where i felt that i was burning. i take anti-psychotic medication regularly, it makes me feel sleepy. life is terrible with this condition. i hope you don't have this.

stella_09

replied on October 23rd, 2009

New User

To lovekittykats

The reason I found this site is because for the past couple of years i have been worried that i might be schizophrenic. I have read a few letters on the internet that people have written in because they think that they might have it but your one explains symptoms exactly the same to mine. I also find myself having wierd conversations with random people in my head, most of the time it is actually people that i know and i am acting it out as if i was in a certain situation with them. so i know what you mean about this, you are talking sense but i also used to think that if i tried to explain this to anyone it would come out wrong and they would think i was weird! also my social skills seem to be getting worse and worse, when im having a good day and i feel like myself i feel like i can talk to anyone with ease and feel really confident and happy and these are the best days. but when im having a bad day i find it incredably difficult to even make small talk with people because i constantly feel like i look stupid or am talking nonsense so i find it better not to talk at all and become very withdrawn and depressed. another strange thing i do is say things subconciously out loud, and its not until i have already said it that i become aware i have said anything. i normally only do this when im alone but if there is someone in the room with me and i get too lost in my own thoughts that i become unaware of the person i do tend to subconciously talk out loud, then i get very strange looks and usually just laugh nervously and say 'oh nothing i was just thinking'. i have noticed that the time when i do this the most is when i am thinking of something really embarrassing that i have done or cringing over something stupid i have said before, when i do this i tend to swear subconciously or say things like 'you stupid b***h i hate you shut up' and then after ive heard myself say it im like...'what the hell did i say that for i am so weird'. like you i do not have hallucinations but i am pretty sure i have delusions. anway, i am interested to know weather you went to see a phyciatrist or not? and if you did, what did they say to you? i know i have ramblled on a bit here but i have never spoken about this before so it was nice to just let it out.

dylans503

replied on October 30th, 2009

New User

yes. i think im skhitzo to.
when i do drugs it elevated to. i feel insecure somewhat.
sometimes i feel like people can read my mind, so when im walking in the store or..anywhere really for that matter
i feel like i have to "think" normal. but subconciously im on my toes waiting for the sign that somebodies spying on me.
i feel like evaryone in my family is crazy. but so does evayrone else. i could easily diagnose them all. i somewhat think evaryones crazy. i skipped a quarter of school in 5th grade, and the last quarter in 6th grade. i dropped out my freshman year and am now a junior. sometimes i feel like there 2 diferent types of people. the crazies and the normal people. and the normal people know about all the other normal people, but the crazies are unaware of teh whole situation.
but just cause i have these feelings doesnt mean i neccesarily beleive in them. i can usually tell a skhitzophrenice thought from a normal thought. and i know what is happening. like an anxiety attack but i feel a burden on me of some sort. im depress alot of the time.
i have vary bad social skills and act coy and uninterested. on normal days im fine. and on good days i think of myself as a good man that makes good choices, on some days i act like a normal person like on tv, witty, dont fumble my words, funny. i havent had one of those days for awhile. since ive stopped going to school now that i think of it. i feel like i have a larger purpose in life to. i dont have hallucinations. but sometimes ill have small audible hallucinations. like someone outside my window. or sometimes i think people are talking about me or about my condition behind my back. i think a couple of my friends DO know about it but i think im imagining it when i think there talking about it behind my back. i have a small case of being bi polar. sometimes i have trouble saying what i mean and have disorganized thought or sentences. when i was little id try to fake my death sometimes to fool the "spies" sometimes i feel like im a "tv" show for some people and there constantly judging me when im doing somthing bad. i think both my parents may have some sort of mental illness and thats how me my brother and my sister all have one to. but thats not a skhitzophrenic thought. thats being honest. i also use pray to god asking that id be a wizard from harry potter or be part of a book or somthing. be apart of somthing more incredible then regular old boring life. im now a humanist though. a hippy atheist.

i dont want to tell anyone yet because i dont want it to affect me going in the military or getting a job.
and i know it wouldnt affect anything. i can control my self quite easily. i just have strange thougts like these sometimes.

i feel like somthing bads gonna happen to me now that ive told the world. like the government knows now and that now im not gonna be a secret agent astronaut or some crap.

i dont BELEIVE any of this. i just cant help but think it. suspect it.

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