Hi again. This is a long one so thankyou everyone for reading and any help would be so appreciated. I am 48 years old and have been diagnosed with major depressive/histrionic/somatic/dependency disorder. I have been to many psychiatrists and psychologists and none are able to help. They said I will never be able to live in the real world. I knew I was not normal at the age of 5 when I had to independently go to school.Any thing I have to do by myself is torment. As a teenager I was into drinking, boys, lying etc. At the age of 16 I fell in love with a guy in another city and I had to leave home to be with him. When I say I had to, I could not function, without him. The inner pain away from him was a huge grieving pain in my heart. Once I was with him I finished high school, ( only got through school by memorizing. I got into university and he went to another city. That is when my first major attack hit. My mind would not function, I could not read, cried constantly and head just spinned in circles. I tried to take my life then.
After 4 years of major depression I tried to go into the world again. I got married and had a good gov job for 5 years. I took very sick, physically, major fatigue, could not read, etc. They thought I had chronic fatigue syndrome. I left one husband for another, jumped, I could never be alone. When I am alone I am with myself. I am with horrible thoughts, inner pain worse than torture, and the inability to function.
I left my last marriage 5 years ago, I fell in love with a wonderful kind and gentle man in the usa. We have been doing long distance for 5 years. It has been gruesome. I live only to be with him(not normal I know) I try to do things for myself but have always functioned with another. Looked after my ex husbands, children, I left my marriage, my own house ( my mortage) and ran in terror. I took an apt and thought I had to wait a few months until my love in the states came and got me. I did not know all about the immigration procedures. I hung on to my couch on the floor, shaking, crying, could not read or think again and I tried again to end my life. They threw me in a group home, (horrible) as they take all your money( I am on a disability pension) and it is like jail. I got out and took an apt ( a front really) to store my items and my girlfriend who is disabled lives downstairs. I sleep (barely) in the apt and am with her most of the day.
If I falter again I will be thrown in the group home and not allowed out. This is not a matter of choice- something happens to my mind when I am alone. I try so hard but the pain inside my chest and heart is so bad, deep grieving pain. My last visit to the states was so sad. I took my first I think psychotic attack. I thought I was in hell, heard voices for one week. I could not fly home and my love had to drive me back to canada in tears, never knowing if he would see me again. He is trying to work so hard to sponsor me as his wife and loves me so. He thinks I may improve and it is so heartbreaking telling him I will function better with you but will be very dependent on you. I love him so very much. He is my life.
I am visiting again and have to leave soon. Like every time when I think of leaving I get almost hysterical and this time I have to fly home and be well. How do I stop what is coming.
I am intellectually smart, knows what to do, but when the time comes for action I cannot function. I am like a 5 year old child in this way.
I have lost my friends as they all thought I was so pretty, and had my own little business and so likeable. They had never seen me alone and is a shock to them. My own ex husband never knew I was not well. This shows up when I am to be alone, and function independently.
I would rather die than live like this.
Does anyone out there understand this at all? I feel so alone. What is this grieving pain, why does nothing mean anything to me other than my love. Even when walking alone I have to sit as the pain in my legs is so bad, yet walking with my love- no problem. I have gained 50 in two months for no known reason, and I am so terrified of my future.
It sounds to me like you have severe separation anxiety along with anxiety in general. Someone told me "get a dog". I did and it worked. I know it's hard because i've been there, in fact i'm going through a little bit of this myself. Read some of my posts and you will understand, especially the ones on agoraphobia. Also, read the one that I just posted about the book. You will be ok.
You just need to figure out where in your life you stopped depending on yourself and became so dependant on others, that is what I am trying to do also. Life is too short for you to not allow yourself to live, or for any of us to. There is so much out there in the world and it's never too late to start, find something you like to do, even if it's planting an herb garden in your window sill, it's a start.
Also, you mentioned about your female friend? Confide, confide, confide...Talking it out does help. You are not crazy! I would also reccommend seeing a doctor to see if they suggest any meds that you could take to help you.
I wish you the best, feel free to talk anytime,
i am 16 and i dont think i have this as extremely as you do yet but you pretty much just described exactly how i feel. i have ad this problem for as long as i can remember its always been worse at night when i was really little my parents used to have to sit with me for hours trying to get me to sleep. its just gradually getting worse, i know im young but i cannot be alone i jumped from one serious relationship to another i am terrified of beng alone my boyfriend lives in somerset and i live in london so i have to be away from him during the week. whenever i am on my own i get completely overcome with anxiety like im terrified somethings going to happen but i have no rational reasons for feeling this way..its getting so bad i even get these feelings when im in conversation with friends its just especially bad when im alone. i use people for company i prefer to be around good friends or my boyfriend but i will settle for almost anyone its so bad. i take drugs to escape how i feel and have no motivation to work i worry alot and am very shy at first im constantly scared of embarrassment and feel it extremely deeply over tiny things. as you described i get this odd intense/ achey/empty..hard to describe pain in my stomach and heart and my head spins and i cry every night just wishing someone was with me. i feel ridiculous and i hate myself for being so weak. i have attempted suicide twice and have been to psychiatrists, councilors etc but find it very difficult to say what i really feel im not sure why i havent really been diagnosed with anything..even after i swallowed all the pills i could find in the house they said im not depressed and have a mild adjustment disorder or something and was over reacting to my boyfriend at the time breaking up with me, i dont want there to be anything wrong with me but i have been made to feel really confused because what i feel, to me, is extreme and unbearable and so if there is nothing wrong with me how am i going to get help to change it or ever be happy without depending on others? im just confused if what i feel is normal...i dont think it can be and i really need it to stop but i dont know how. please will someone help me in anyway they can. thankyou for reading all of that...
I have some similair but less extreme symptoms like yours. I cant make decisions by myself because i get so terrified and anxious that i just make others make the decisions for me. When i do make my own decisions its horribe panic that ive made the wrong choice and that something bad is going to happen. I hate being alone and have trouble doing things by myself.