I've been struggling with this ed for long enough now and i'm so tired, tired of always wanting to lose weight, tired of never being able to, tired of always having to pretend that everthing is ok.
I had to take a year out from school last year and I am going back in two weeks to finish my final year and although my exams should be my biggest priroty they're not, losing weight is. Today I planned to start fresh and finally lose the weight I so despersalty need to lose and I have already failed. I wonder will I ever go back to the way I was? I just want to have the same body as I had before now. I used to be able to lose weight, it was the only thing I was good at and now I can't even do that. Tomorrow I am going to buy clothes for starting back at school and I am dreading it, I have to buy clothes and i'll see how big I am and it will kill me but I am hoping that it will inspire me to lose the weight i've so wanted to lose.
I know its not just about weight but for me its all I have left. I have spent so long wanting to die and my only reason for staying alive is to lose weight and if I can't do it then there really is no point. I know there are other ways and recovering is the better option but I just don't want to, i've never wanted to.
I have been going to therapy everyday for the past 10 months and still I have no want to recover, my life's ambition is to lose weight.
I just hope that tomorrow I will be able to start my plan and that everything will work out for me, the way I want it to. Of course you can have dreams of travelling and things like that but my dream, my only dream is to be thin and until then I cannot live, I cannot enjoy anything.
I hope to write soon and be happier about the way I look, I hope soon to write here and finally have my dream come true, until then I leave you and love you.

Take care all!

Xxx