I have been switched from working 3rd shift to working on 1st shift. Changing shifts isn't the problem though, it's all the people. There are more people around during the day. I feel so paranoid all day about all those people around me. My risperdal isn't helping my paranoia. Is it supposed to?

I managed to get through monday and tuesday, but today I called in sick. I feel like they are all talking about me and trying to make me crazy. I will probably get in trouble for missing today, as I have missed quite a few days now. I just knew when I woke up that I wouldn't be able to handle it. I feel so overwhelmed in there and crowded. There is alot of pressure on me right now to keep working although it is very difficult. My boyfriend can't pay the bills by himself, and I need to keep my insurance.

I have been having episodes of depression lately too. When I say episodes I mean they are usually short but severe. When it happens all I can think of is suicide and dying. I am afraid I will end up dead one of these times because I get so close to doing it, and yes I already have a plan.

Sometimes I wonder if I might be better off going to the hospital, but I am afraid they won't take me seriously. I already feel this way about my therapist. I tell her what bothers me but it seems like she only hears what she wants to.

Sorry if this seems like rambling nonsense, I don't really have anyone I feel comfortable talking to.