Several people have said that it is
important to take care of you and your
children, I couldn't agree more. I've had
people tell me that my husband or both of
us need counseling. I have mixed feelings
about this. Bipolar is a medical problem,
and unfortunately a psychiatrist can't
heal medical problems. I wish they could
though, I would love to be couseled right
out of this wheel chair. With that said
though, I feel that maybe both of us may
benefit from couseling, for instance,
learning and avoiding his triggers.
Newbride, I also knew for quite some time
that he was bipolar before I could get him
to go to the doctor. He finally opened up
to me and said he knew that something was
wrong with him, but he was afraid to
possibly find out that he was litteraly
insane. Many times I tried to convince him
that he wasn't insane and wouldn't be
commited, but the fear never went away. I
found and printed out a lot of info on
bipolar off of the internet, information
that stressed that it's a medical problem
and nothing to do with insanity. I told
him I was no longer going to try to push
him to go to the doctor. By then he had
read enough to begin believe he wasn't
insane. I also told him that if he wanted
to keep reading through the info himself
that was fine, but I would gladly help
him understand what a lot of it meant. I
told him I love him and would help any way
I could, as long as he helped himself. He
knew at that point he wasn't insane, so
going to the doctor wouldn't be as
terrifying. If at that point he still
wouldn't go to the doctor, I wouldn't be
able to stay with him. I felt guilty
saying that because he'd been helpful with
my disability, but my disability doesn't
put the children in danger. Unmedicated
Bipolar certainly could. I was so relieved
the next day when he asked if I would go
to the doctor with him. It still wasn't
easy, there is no one miracle medication,
but the worst thing he could have done is
stop taking them, but with the money
problems, he felt that the family needed
the money more than he needed his meds. I
can't say at this point what will happen.
We are trying to fight a foreclosure which
was not our fault. We did everything
possible to get this company to take our
money, if they didn't want it it shouldn't
be our problem. This mortgage company has
done the same thing to millions of others.
We also lost a baby we had raised since he
was 4 weeks old. The mother lost him
because of drugs. I helped her get off of
drugs, even though I knew my heart would
break if she got him back....which she
did. She really didn't want him though,
and left him with us all the time. 3 weeks
after she had another baby, she lost them
again, but this time her mother wanted the
children, and the mother stated in court
that she didn't want them back. I don't
understand why the courts believe a child
is better off with a blood relative. It
makes no sense to me to give a child to
the person who screwed up the mother. It's
not only us who has broken hearts, the
child misses us, the only family he knew.
His grandma mentions every now and then
that I should adopt the boy and she'd keep
the girl. I tell her she knows how much he
means to us, I would adopt him in a
second...but I don't want to push. Anyway,
Bipolar and stress do not mix well.
Sometimes I see my husband struggling so
hard to keep the Bipolar under control, I
would much rather deal with this constant
pain than what he goes through.
Geesh, I do ramble way too much, sorry.
Sometimes I think my constant rambling
would drive anyone to Bipolar, but he says
it helps him keep his mind off of things
he'd rather not talk about. I tell him,
honey, maybe it would be a good thing to
get those things off of your mind, and I
will always be here to listen...but don't
want to push. I do hope we can make it
work, I really do love him, and he tells
me he's never loved anyone until he met
me. He always says we are soulmates, meant
to be together. As much as I love hime
though, and visa versa, my children come
first. Good luck to all of you who are
dealing with this horrible disability. If
anyone ever needs a shoulder, I would be
glad to listen.
Lori
|
wendylady
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 06 Mar 2008 Posts: 11 Location: ,
Crystal Posted: 03-12-08 06:36am
I am so sorry you had to deal with this
for so long. I can completly empathis with
you (except with the physical abuse that
must have been awful). I have been with my
husband 8 years but only married 2. He
seemed to manipulate me (hindsite is
20/20) into beliving marriage would make
things better and all it did was make
things much much worse. I am told he is
not attractive anymore then he wants to
love me. I feel like my life is a wirlwind
and I never know what I am going home to
if anything. I am starting counceling for
myself today cause I love my husband and I
want things to work especially because I
am religious and I am confused about
divorce vs staying and being unhappy. I am
trying to make it work but I feel like it
is an uphill battle.
|
newbride807
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 16 Feb 2008 Posts: 12
Crystal Posted: 03-12-08 20:08pm
When I first read your response I couldn't
believe that this has also happened to you
and then some. I couldn't imagine going
through this for 10 years. I don't even
know sometimes if I can make it through
this time around. I wish sometimes I can
move somewhere no one knows me. Everyone
knows we just got married and are
ultimately confused when I tell them we
aren't together now. I'm trying to get to
the point where I don't tear up and start
crying when I say it.
Parts of me wishes I'll hear from him and
he'll beg me to come back but deep down I
know I'm fooling myself, and in my gut
he's discarded me. But that's the thing,
it's almost like he forgot we were married
and thinks he can just walk away and
that's that. He continues to "hide" from
me and his family. I feel like divorce is
what he's looking for so he can move on
but then why doesn't he do it himself?
He's never been physically abusive to me,
but then I'm wondering if that would
eventually change if things were different
and we stayed together.
|
wendylady
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 06 Mar 2008 Posts: 11 Location: ,
Taking care of me Posted: 03-13-08 11:35am
I completed my first session of personal
counceling yesterday, and though it did
seem a bit like a *itch session it was
good to get an unbiased professional
person tell me I wasn't crazy. Not that I
am blaming all my problems on my husband
but it is hard to figure out what our
"real" problems are because they are
covered up by the smoke screen of bipolar.
Thank you all for your help and insight! I
am trying to take better care of myself
and I hope and pray that includes staying
married to my husband that I love but I
feel as though it would be unfair to
myself and my husband if I didn't
enteratain the idea of seperation (though
it breaks my heart to think about it).
Things have been even harder to face since
he has recently moved into his
manic/euphoric stage and he is acting more
like the man I married than ever. So I am
still confused but trying to make sence of
it all.
|
wendylady
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 06 Mar 2008 Posts: 11 Location: ,
New Bride Posted: 03-20-08 06:33am
Man do I know how you feel! I have the
complete opposite of the cheers song
playing through my head, it seems like
constantly lately. "sometimes you wanna
go, where nobody knows your name." I am
having an especially hard week dealing
with my husbands bipolar and I just don't
know how much more I can take!
|
Had Enough
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 20 Mar 2008 Posts: 2
Posted: 03-20-08 12:40pm
Crystalsue, it is amazing how similar our
stories are...Married for 13 years...lived
together for 6 before that. He is
bipolar, borderline personality and
ADD...and, after he walked out, learned
that he has become addicted to cocaine...
I never, ever had a clue this was going
on...He was always emotionally withdrawn
and distant...I knew about the
bipolar...but nothing else...the last 6
months, however, I felt like I was in a
free fall...I just couldn't recognize
him..he was always mellow, no self esteem,
quiet...but God..he became so agressive,
mean, euphoric...I had never seen a full
blown manic episode like that before...He
was literally crying about one thing and
laughing about something else in the same
sentence...Once he left and I learned
about the secret life he was maintaining I
was blown away...Women, apartments, and he
went through the bank account...walked
away one morning leaving me without a
penny (Thank God I work...hell, I was
earning more money than he..)Yeah..I heard
the "I love you" that morning too...and
then he was GONE..with a single e-mail
later that week talking about our
"divorce" (which, I found out his new
girlfriend had written for him to send to
me...)He walked away 5 months ago...no
contact since then other than from his
attorney claiming he is entitled to more
of my money...The control games never
end...So I filed for divorce...guess what?
3 months later he files for divorce too!
I have no idea what is going on....
You can't try and make sense out of
it...there is no sense..there is only
sickness...You have got to take care of
YOU...hard as it is right now. Karma will
take care of them...
|
wendylady
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 06 Mar 2008 Posts: 11 Location: ,
Enough Posted: 03-20-08 13:54pm
Thank you for helping me feel less guilty
about some of the decitions I know I have
to make soon. My husband too has lied and
I just found out about his cocaine and
oxycotin abuse. Now with no money and a
morgage in forcloser (I was told the
morgage was being paid but it was going to
drugs, etc). I feel too I am in a free
fall. One minute he is the man I married
and then he is 2 different strangers manic
laughing and the next sobbing about how he
has nothing to look forward to. I am just
aaaaahhhhh! about it all. ~wendy
|
lw61
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 06 Mar 2008 Posts: 6 Location: ,
Posted: 03-20-08 14:19pm
Had enough, I'm so sorry for what you are
going through. I don't understand why he
would file for divorce after you already
had. I don't know what the divorce laws
are in your state, but giving him money
seems rediculous...he should have to pay
you half of what he took from your joint
account. You're right, it is hard to make
sense of this, and you have to take care
of you. Good luck.
Lori
|
Had Enough
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 20 Mar 2008 Posts: 2
Posted: 03-20-08 16:45pm
I don;t get it about the 'second' divorce
either...other than it is a control thing
and he wants to divorce me instead of me
divorcing him...He has been trying to get
the mortgage bills sent to his new address
(which I don;t know)...the bank informed
me of that...Why? I don;t know...he
hasn't paid the mortgage since he left
...I have been paying it...It's just
consistent with this manipulative
sneakiness..and, I suppose, control, which
I have read is so important to
bipolars...
He even tried to access the home equity
line of credit on the house behind my
back! Luckily I froze that money the
minute he left and I learned about his
cocaine addiction...I can't believe I used
to see the white powder all over his face
and beliecve him when he said it was from
a sugar donut..The sunglasses inside the
house...the nasal problems which I
believed were his "allergies"...God, I
NEVER for once doubted his honesty and
love...that's how good he was a deceit...
Sorry for the rant...I am just still
raw...and it looks like he is going to
continue the craziness throughout the
divorce. Its so hard to realize you were
living and loving someone who never
existed...that it was all a sham to use
you and steal from you...but Hey..it's
Easter and a time for rebirth!
|
newbride807
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 16 Feb 2008 Posts: 12
Posted: 03-23-08 20:50pm
God, I can't believe how many of you are
experiencing the same things I am. Until
I found this forum, I thought I was the
only one experiencing what I'm
experiencing. Is being in control
something that's important to people who
suffer from this disorder? At times I
feel like I'm the one suffering from
bipolar disorder.
I'm scared to file for divorce. I still
have a hard time digesting everything
that's happened. I don't understand how
on my birthday he tells me that he can't
wait to spend many more years with me and
then less than 2 months later he left and
I found out that he was having an affair
and moving in with this girl. I don't get
it. Is it the illness or is he just an
a**hole? Everything just seems so
unfinished. Our wedding pictures are
still up to order on the web!! I don't
get it. And still, he denies everything
and insists there is nothing wrong with
him. He left while I was at work. Just
left! He claims that he's seeing a
psychiatrist, at least 3 weeks ago when he
ended up hanging up on me. I've only
spoken to him 2x's in over 2 months. Why
did he even bother asking me to marry him?
|
wendylady
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 06 Mar 2008 Posts: 11 Location: ,
Posted: 03-24-08 06:39am
I too can not believe that there are so
many people going through what I am. I
thought I was alone for so long. Because
of this forum I have found a new strength
in myself for myself. I know it isn't me
anymore, that I am dealing with an
unrelentless disease that infectes
everyone who encounters it.
My husband just quite his job AGAIN. But
didn't tell me I found out because my best
friend went to my house to bring me my
lunch I forgot before I left work and
found him at home. He had been lying to me
and saying he was working. I was just
going to find out when he didn't get a
paycheck in 2 weeks.
I just don't know what to do anymore. He
is the man I married just long enough to
manipulate me into staying and then I get
torchured for the rest of the time and
just when I had enough again he "flips"
and he loves me again.
Counceling seems to help me but everything
that I have read and my thearapist agreess
that until he gets help there is no help.
I am religious though and believe that you
should be with your husband through
sickness and health, but does this
qualify? I am just very frustrated! I want
to be a wife not a mother!
|
lilgrlblu63
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 22 Apr 2008 Posts: 10
Re: Newbride Posted: 04-24-08 02:25am
I'm sorry about you and your husband. I
have the same situation going on. My
husband and I have been married for 13
years. However, I left 3 years ago,
because I just couldn't deal with all the
stuff. He and I even tried dating one
another, but he wants to still do what he
wants and only finds fault with others,
never himself. I lived with so much
ugliness when I was at home. My children
did too. He would get upset over things
that you and I would see as trivial and
take it and run with it. He even accused
me of doing something with a friend that
was something he believed in his head. He
would throw my things out side and tell me
to get out, go live with my Mom. He has
had a number of affairs and finds nothing
wrong with it. He tells me that I left and
so I have no right, but it was going on
before I left. He has turned into someone
I don't know. And although I love him very
much. I can't do it anymore. I have felt
crazy for the longest time. He messed with
my mind and my heart and I too feel very
foolish for believing him. He won't take
meds. He refuses, so I guess I have to
just love him, but not see him ever again.
It's been really hard. I have to hear
things that make me very upset, but life
goes on. And yes you have to take care of
you. Dealing with someone with bipolar
disorder takes its toll on a person. I
have had a gun pointed in my face. He has
choked me until I was unconscious and
numerous other things. However he still
blames it all on me. He tells me that he
loves me very much, but at this point I
don't know what to believe anymore. I am
tired of being upset and tired of dealing
with someone who doesn't want to help
themselves. He is in denial about his
disorder and feels he can deal with it
himself. well I have seen how he deals
with it. I know his disorder is not about
me. At least that is what I'm told, but
when you have heard it so much, it's hard
to believe you are not to blame. Anyway,
goodluck to you. Take care.
|
steve sbg007
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 May 2008 Posts: 9
my wife Posted: 05-18-08 19:21pm
I posted in dealing
with...................I need help bad,I
am about to give up on her.It's killing
me,I dont know what to do or say anymore
|
muddie
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 26 May 2008 Posts: 7
Thanks: 0
Thanked:1
Posted: 05-29-08 16:55pm
My ex-girlfriend was bipolar along with a
few other issues as well. We were together
for 1,5 years, and it was mostly good. We
shared laughter, and we shared tears. But
the last 6 months of our relationship, she
stopped eating and didn't show much
affection for me. She is now unfortunately
hospitalized, struggling with severe mood
swings and anorexia... I haven't heard
from her in a while now. I hope she is
ok.
It was a very complicated relationship
(I'm bipolar too), but at the same time we
understood eachother perfectly, and tried
to make the best of it because we loved
eachother.. but in the end it got to a
point were I would be a better support for
her as a friend.
|
lw61
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 06 Mar 2008 Posts: 6 Location: ,
Finally found this board again Posted: 06-10-08 23:03pm
I think I should bookmark it. I've had so
much going on, I'm almost never on the
computer anyway. I hope everyone is doing
well.
I got to the point a couple of weeks ago
where I decided to file for divorce. I
felt guilty because most of the time he is
so helpful with my disability. I can tell
when he is in the bipolor state, he looks
different, he even walks different. I
mistakingly think if we talk about it
maybe he will at least try to get out of
it. But, what I get is it's my fault, he
wasn't in a bipolor state until I said he
was. When he is "normal" He says he knows
I'm right and can tell, it so obvious! I
try and remind him of what he says and
also remind him that he was going to
believe me when I say he is in one of his
moods in hopes that we can talk and try to
get him out of it. If he would accept it
he might try to get over it is the theory,
it doesn't work.
There is so much other stuff going on I
can't deal with him now. My daughter has a
severe disability and the school is
causing a lot of problems because she
misses so much school. This is the first
year school has been a problem. They've
gotten CPS involved, and I am terrified.
The CPS worker said he completely
understood and would tell the school to
bacl off. I found a card from him on the
door today. can't imagine why, school is
over for the summer. She has extremely
severe asthma and has to stay home for
frequent breathing treatments when she is
really doing bad. I even have to get up
several times at night to give her
treatments, and they make her sick.How can
I send my child to school like that!? If
she had a severe attack at school, she
wouldn't survive it, according to the
doctor there wouldn't be enough time. I
worked at a school for 25 years. One of my
jobs was to call parents that send their
kids to school when they were obviously
very sick. I got yelled at so many times
when I would reach the mothers. Some were
furious and asked how dare I try and
interfere with their free time. Why
doesn't CPS go after parents like this, or
parents of children with frequent
bruising. I'm doing everything I can do to
keep my child alive and they are bugging
me?
I'm trying to get another house which
would greaty help her asthma, nothing is
going right. My disability is flaring up
daily because of the stress, and my hubby
is worse than ever. I just want to take
the kids and go to Florida for awhile to
visit my mom...I really need my mommy.
Thank you all for listening, it helps to
get it out. Sorry I went off the subject.
I have found one thing that helps me. One
my "better" days, I've been training one
of my daughter's dogs. I've done dog
training for more years than I can count
and haven't had the chance in a long
time. I love it, we do it after dark, she
is the sweetest dog in the world...just
like out other four. It gives me a break I
desperately need. There are so many days
I can't do it and it needs done every day.
There is a very good reason her nickname
is moose, and I don't have the strength I
used to have and can't do it every day.
She won't listen to the kids at all, the
training is really helping...with her
listening to me anyway. One day before I
started training, the kids let her run off
again. We had a couple of feet of snow,
the hard crusty stuff that is exremely
difficult for me to walk in. I was afraid
of falling because I new I wouldn't be
able to get back up. My daughters tiny dog
came running up when I got almost a mile
away from the house, freezing. I wrapped
her in my coat and trudged on. I stepped
in a hole up to my hip and went down,
terrified I was going to fall on the dog.
Twisting while falling wasn't easy but at
least the dog was on the top when we hit
the ground. There we laid though, unable
to move. I knew destiny wasn't too far
away, and she came running up to help. I
didn't want her to help because she'd had
surgery a couple of weeks prior. She put
her head into the collar and leash I was
carrying, and walked far enough ahead to
get the slack out, turned to watch me get
ready. I managed to get into a position
that I was certain wouldn't hurt her...if
I could make it up the first time. As soon
as I said, "ok sweetie, go," I was up in a
second. My hubby came running up seconds
after I was up, I said "great timing
honey." Destiny was smiling, so proud of
herself, but not half as proud as I was of
her. I'm off again, sorry.
I wish you all well, and pray for a
cure...there is a theory, let's hope.
Lori
|
lala12
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 15 Jun 2008 Posts: 3
Me too. Posted: 06-15-08 12:43pm
So glad there are others who have been
there.
I've been through it all. I had a
perfectly fine career, home, and financial
stability. That all changed when I met
him. I lost count of the number of bank
overdrafts years ago, I don't even bother
fixing the holes in the walls until we
move out. (May as well do it all at
once.) I find myself working full time,
and taking care of the house while he
hyper focuses on projects or ideas (some
whacky, many brilliant) to the exclusion
of all other responsibilities. He can't
work for anyone else because most
workplaces don't understand that the
sporadic fits of rage doesn't really mean
he's going to kill someone - it just seems
that way.
After many tries with various docs, he
finally found one who can really work with
him to get his meds in order. But, as his
head cleared, he got angry and regretful
for all the bad things that happened over
the past years, and blamed me. This one
ended up in a call to his doc and the
police. That call shook him (and me) back
into reality.
I chose to make the sacrifices - as most
people would if their spouse was suddenly
physically disabled. And I'm slowly
coming around to accepting who he is, and
try to work with his talents rather than
against them.
Although my life was turned upside down, I
love the healthy part of him too much to
just leave. I love that he is an artist,
a comedian, an intellectual, and a
passionate activist. And one thing is for
sure - things are never ever boring around
here.
|
JPDUCK
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 17 Jun 2008 Posts: 1
Thank god! Posted: 06-17-08 15:48pm
I went online tonight after a tough day
after which I have just tucked my husband
into bed at 8 o clock because he couldnt
cope with any more of today! I got about
an hour of his company, I got in from work
about 7. That hour was difficult. He is
currently in a 'down', tricky when he has
just had 2 days over the weekend which
were really good. Having researched BP
for quite a while now, I have come to the
conclusion that this could well be what we
are living with. We have been together
for nearly 5 years. He has two sons,
which after 5 years of living with us
permanantly, have decided to live one week
with us and one week with their mum. I
think this has hit him particularly hard.
Last week, the boys were with us and he
was completely overwhelmed. After spending
a week alone wishing and waiting for them
to come back! I can relate to so much in
this thread. The feeling of helplessness.
I am a fixer by nature and I cant help
him. It is so hard. I get scoffed at and
laughed at whenever I make suggestions of
postive things to do. He walked away from
me in the garden the other day dropping a
4 metre long brushwood fence on me, cos he
couldnt deal with it not imm adhering
itself perfectly to the fence! Later that
day he is clinging to me telling me it
scares him how much he loves me. What is
a girl to do???
|
trish26
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Jan 2007 Posts: 25
2 years with hubby and counting Posted: 06-19-08 01:48am
My husband was diagnosed 2 years ago of
having Bipolar Disorder.
I did researched and tried so hard to
understand him.
But lately I feel so tired and stressed
out. He only cares for himself and not
care about what we all feel. Or what his
our child feels. He remains to be a
stranger to me. No matter how much I
understand, it feels like it is not
enough.
Imagine, I had some rashes on my private
part because of the liners I used and I
had a Urinary Tract infection and he wants
sex with me. I told him that I cant and
you know what he did??? He stomped and
acted like a spoiled brat. He got so mad
at me.
I feel so bad that I cant give him what he
wants. But at the same time, why cant he
just respect that I also have to take care
of my body??? I dont understand. I feel so
tired.
Sometimes, I am thinking of going into
counselling because the idea of leaving
him has been passing my mind. But because
of the child, I dont want to do so. I feel
so tired and not respected. I feel
imprisoned. He even got jealous of my best
friend (girl) and asked me if she was a
lover!!!
Why is life like this? He kept from me
that he had this sickness until the time
he had a nervous breakdown and got
hospitalized for 5 weeks last 2006. Nobody
told me. I felt cheated.
Sorry guys...I am a wife who is trying so
hard to bring back the way I loved my
husband. I love him so much but he seems
so far away since he got sick. I
understand that he will never be the
same...this is what pains me. Sad to
say...he will never be the man that I
married. =(
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