I am a male 31 years old. I have only had sex once before marriage with another girl at the age of 24. I have been married for 7 months and before marriage we were sexual but never had intercourse. Now I try and try but she never comes to orgasm. Not even when I do oral anymore; which used to work. She always has to masturbate afterwards. I feel like a sexual prop instead of a partner. Why!?!? I want to please her! But how? Help me please!!!!!!!
Last edited by WILLIAM1974 on August 16th, 2005 06:18 PM; edited 1 time in total
Maybe she is thinking about it to much, im sure she enjoys it. Its harder for some women to orgasim during sex. Does she orgasim from other things??? Dont ask her all of the time if she did or not because that will put to much pressure on her to orgasim. Does that make sense??
Right, what you need to understand is that making a woman orgasm through penetration is primarily about two things:
1.) Her Psychology
2.) Her Physiology
If this has started to sound like a science lesson don't worry, i'll simplify everything into language we men really understand:
Psychology - this put simply means that you put a woman in the mood for sex. Sometimes this means acting like a caveman, she gives you that look, you've just had that argument, you're out and about in a public place and she kisses you a little more passionately than usual. The simple fact is that understanding this aspect of making a woman orgasm is a matter of guessing correctly which mood she is in or actively putting her in the right mood, this may variously be a strong manly grab around the waist or handing her a glass of wine after a hard day at work, setting up candles and running her a bath etc. etc. Now most of the confusion on this subject comes from the very unhelpful fact that overwhelmingly the advice given on the internet focuses on these 'psychological' elements because for women, they are the more important.
Now as a man what you need to know is this and i'll get the boo/hisses from any girl reading BUT, as a man you need to focus on her physiology in order to make her orgasm through penetration. It's simply a fact that 70% of what will make her orgasm in penetration is simply remembering this:
Always Be thinking 'Clitoris'... ABC...
What this means is that you need to forget what you watch on porn, forget those Tom Cruise movies where the man always raises himself up on the strength of his arms in a romantic, intimate eye lock and over exaggerated pelvic movement... No... When you're performing in any sexual position you need to be stimulating the clitoris, this means always guys! There are two ways to make a woman orgasm - through her clitoris and through her G-Spot - the Clitoris is by far and away the easiest. This means, when you are:
1.) In Missionary - always have your pelvis griding as close as physically possible to her pubic bone, directly on top of it, causing as much friction against the area of the clitoris as possible. If you want to go for the G-Spot, put a pillow or sometimes even two under her buttocks, this both raises her public bone up so that you can grind more closely against it and also by lowering your waist towards the bed and thrusting 'up' against her front wall, you'll be maximising the pressure on her G-Spot area;
2.) Her on Top - ABC - always be thinking clitoris. If she's sitting on top of you, use your hand on her hips to pull her down on your shaft so that the bottom of your shaft will be connecting directly with the clitoris. Equally, if she leans over to kiss you, use your hand on her hips to grind her pelvis forward and backwards so that it is grinding directly on the clitoral area.
Those are two basic tips but the essence of how to make a woman orgasm through penetration resides in the ABC rule.
Now to jump back a stage, once you've firmly got it into your head to ABC, remember this as well, foreplay is the part of sex where you have most control over her body. It's where you can tease her, stimulate her, frustrate her, annoy her to your hearts content.
A good penetrative orgasm will start to build with your mastery of foreplay. Take your time, undress her, kiss her whole body (but for example don't go near her vagina), take your time to explore her and stimulate all of her erogenous zones (which you should know, if you don't start reading up on them!) you will notice that eventually she'll start pulling you up because she wants you inside her. When she is at this stage and you enter her, then ABC kicks in. It's close, it's animalistic, it's grinding and sweaty, it's not the Tom Cruise tricep marathon, it's a matter of pressing your lower half as strongly against her lower half as you can and taking long measured strokes...
Do this, spend some time with the foreplay, then ABC all the way through intercourse and you should be making that woman orgasm each and every time through penetration...
If you need more advice some good places to look are:
amazon.com - lots of books on the subject; or my particular favourite guide
therealplayers.com - a short lunchtime read packed full of information that you can put into practice straight away the same night...
Learn about her body first and let the rest take care of itself... Good luck... You'll be fine!
Another thing is that orgasim during sex feels totally different than an orgasim from clitoral stimulation, at least in my case, maybe she is having orgasims and she is not aware because of the different feeling :?
I have never orgasmed from sexual intercourse. I only have while masturating. Like mommy 1 said, it's totally different....Well i'm guessing it is. I can't orgasm throught intercourse. Do something outside of me and I can....Don't get upset with your wife. It's something that she probably can't control. Just try different positions and different role playing or something. Use your imagination.
Have you thought about asking her what she wants? Where she needs you to apply more pressure or how she'd like you to move?Etc. Maybe next time you have sex you can ask her during whether something you're doing feels good or tell her that any suggestions during sex to tell you.
Try sitting on a chair and having her on top doing a lot of the work that way she'll do what she needs to do to get stimulated and you won't have to worry that it's your "fault".
Women can have several different types of orgasms and all women are different. However, a majority have citorial orgasms most of the time. Have you tried massaging her g-spot? This is one of the most intense orgasms as well as ejaculation.
I am always amazed at all the confusion regarding women having orgasms during intercourse. Women don't orgasm as a result of intercourse! That is because nothing is touching their clitoris. Any woman who claims to have had an orgasm because of intercourse alone has probably never had an orgasm and has no idea what one feels like. Nothing touches the clitoris during intercourse. The clitoris is a mini penis with twice as many nerve endings in it. 800 for the clitoris opposed to 400 in the head of the penis. Do men think they could cum because somebody is rubbing their leg?? Ridiculous! The husband needs to support his weight on one arm and then slip his other hand down where he can gently stroke her clitoris during intercourse. I have been doing this for thirty years and my wife always has an orgasm during intercourse this way. The clitoris will line up with the top of the man penis. You must start very gently. Use her lubricant to make things nice and slippery. This works every time and is very rewarding for both partners. Believe me you will both know when she has the orgasm. It will feel like she is pushing your penis back out of her ! She will act and sound like she is having a convulsion. You won be able to touch her down there after, same as you after your orgasm, but you should be able to continue intercourse until you orgasm. Remember, there is no difference between a woman orgasm and a man other than the fact that women don't ejaculate. We need to take the mystery out of the anatomy of the woman. The clitoris is a mini penis and acts just like one. The G spot is actually the internal skin that covers her urethra. Some of the longer clitoral nerves invade this area making it possible for some women to get a sexual feeling out of being stroked there. This total nonsense about blended orgasms is just that. Nonsense. If you stimulate the clitoris and the urethra simultaneously you will have an orgasm because of the clitoral stimulation and it may be accompanied by some good feeling resulting from the urethral stroking. That is not a blended orgasm. It is an orgasm with some added urethral stimulation.
If you take two fingers and vigerously rub the roof of the vagina (about 2 inches in) it can make a girl orgasm. If you hum on the clit while pleasuring it will help bring your partner to that exploding point. If you massage the urethra it will create an orgasm (it feels like a ball about 4 inches in the vagina). Make sure you don't have nails PLEASE!!! The best way to bring a girl to an orgasm??? Make a lot of money. Gold Diggers!
i have been married for 8 months not to pull my own chain but i use to be a stud but i cant get my wife to orgasam it is killing me slow i sometimes cry when iam alone and thats not a joke i have a rather large penis but it dosent help what do i do iam ashamed of my self and totaly lost at this point please help me
I feel your pain! you may want to see my post titled "My sex life is dying-HELP" It's ok to cry. I feel like crying a lot and am having to wipe my eyes as I type this. It is OK to let her see you cry too. Women understand crying-they do it more than us guys do. You have nothing to be ashamed of so long as you love her and she loves you. There aren't any easy answers and it takes some trail and error to get things better.
Unlike other areas of medicine, we haven't got a ready supply of studies that are based on empirical observation. Not too many people who are willing to hook up to a bunch of monitors and have sex in front of a bunch of doctors. much of what we know is based on subjective reports instead of objective observation. Makes you wonder why in the 21st century, our attitudes are still such that we can't get better knowledge.
I wonder sometimes if therapists might be a lot more effective if they could actually see what happens (and what doesn't) instead of just being told by those who are emotionally invested.
You didn't offer a lot of detail about the problem so it's hard to offer advice. Are you able to talk frankly with her about the situation?
PM me if yoou'd like, maybe we can help each other. or we can be public and maybe others will have things to offer that neither of us has thought of.
Same situation here too. I have encouraged my wife to try and use vibrators and just discover herself but she isn't interested.. It is sad that our wives can't orgasm but they aren't motivated enough to try and we are helpless because if we pressure them it will just make everything worse. It really stinks to be in our position and only men in our position realize all the emotions that come with this.
Are any of your wives on antidepressants or has been on them in the past? It really lowers a woman's sexual desire. It could also be hormonal. Not everyone has a high sex drive. Audrey Hepburn had the same problem. Is it psychological? Rape or molestation. If she is not interested in EVEN pleasing herself; then it has nothing to do with you men.
it can be done, even without put a finger there. a lot of things you have to do, notatwork user says the most important (please read), but somethings was missed, for clitoris orgasm, you must strike in a 90 degree angle and push towards her, like trying to going to her navel, she had to eat food that rise her testosterone leves, that wich contains zinc, like fish celery and avocados, and not that ones that rise estrogen, like wheat based foods like pizza, like a man, with testosterone sensitive will increase, even without attack the clitoris she can have an orgasm if she have the entrance of her vagina sensitive, the first day after mestruation she will be more sensitive there too, my lover had this problem, even she left her ex, now she is having orgams for her first time in her whole life
You really do have to try different positions to fire her up. And you should both communicate to each other. Make her tell you which position excites her the most and keep doing it. And try to explore her as much so you will know what buttons to push and where not to. Constant communication is key to a good relationship. She might also have some problems with her hormones sho have her checked with a gyne. Not normal hormone levels do change the libido of a person. Good luck.
I've been married for 4 years and before this relationship had a few boyfriends as well. I have always had to estimulate my clitoris myself during intercourse to achieve orgasms during penetration regardless of what position, but it's much more satisfying and intense with the sensation of fulfillment the full penetration gives as opposite to masturbating alone without it. Now I do agree 100% with the observation that a women cannot climax without clitoris estimulation but for me it has to be done by myself, if my husband does it won't be as effective no matter if he uses his fingers or tries to grind it with his body. And when I say I do it trought intercourse I really mean it, I will be estimulating myself all times until I come. And I have always had a crazy sex drive so I'm sure my hormones are alright. Now among all positions we do along only two of them can really bring me the orgasm at the end. Him seating on bed and me laying down facing him or me laying down and having him behind me but on his knees making an angle that estimulates a spot inside that drives me absolutely out of my mind. I had a previous boyfriend with a huge penis and him having a regular size was never a problem. I love having sex with him a lot. On the other hand also we allow a certain tension build up
By teasing each other with little things on everyday life at all times. And as for foreplay I gotta say he is very kinky and really likes to perform oral and it's the first guy that seems to actually really enjoy giving it, before him I always got the feeling guys do it because they have to, not him I feel even ashamed after all these years he still makes me blush I swear ( he likes giving oral my having me laying down my belly and he will spread my legs and really go for it, it's the best I ever had). Hope this helps!
A way to get your woman one step closer to orgasm is to build up the sexual tension throughout the day or week). I recently shaved my pubic area (all the hair), and this is something my husband has been wanting me to do for a while. He was on a week long business trip and phoned me to tell me what time he'd be home. I decided to tell him I had shaved my vagina, and there was an audible gasp on the other end of the line. He proceeded to tell me he was getting an erection and he was hurrying home. Just knowing how much I had turned him on made me that much hornier. When he arrived home, I didn't even let him bring his suitcase into the house. I grabbed his hand and we went to the bedroom. The sex was mind-blowing and I had an orgasm almost immediately after he penetrated me. Sometimes a woman just needs some verbal foreplay (his AND hers) to get "in the mood" & orgasm.
My wife & i have a loving relationship, but she says that nothing really gets her sexually excited, not even Brad Pitt. For example, she said she finds John Travolta "attractive" for reasons that he seems genuinely a nice guy, but not in a sexual way, more just a general admiration of the person.
I believe she is being honest.
She has only had 1 orgasm (lucky i suppose) that was with me when we went away for a dirty weekend at a fancy motel on the beach and we had a spa and then chocolate was used in ways that cadbury probably dont promote.
It was before we got married and because she hadnt experienced that before we kind of paniced and thought she might get pregnant (used a condom). Im still not sure why.
In hindsight it was to take 10 years of IVF, a still birth, and then additional help to finally have a child in our lives.
Recently in my quest to help her enjoy sex i bought a clitoral stimulant cream called Play-O, which helps get her in the mood fairly quickly, but still doesnt get her over the line.
I so despirately want her to get the same reward for having sex that i get.
She is a little highly strung, and also she would be more likely to want sex more if it lead to something more wonderful.
For a woman who doesnt orgasm, sex is a messy, tedious, time wasting task to get done just like all the other jobs on the list a woman carries round in her head.
She says its not my technique but as a guy i cant stop wondering if only i could be more "skillful" it might help. Its a guy thing.
She says sex feels really good to a point and then suddenly the good aroused feeling just goes away leaving her waiting for me to finish. She likes that she can have that effect on me but she cant feel me inside her and she starts thinking about all the stuff she wants to get done around the house again.
I try to concentrate on her clitoris & yesterday i managed to get my hand back down there while she was on top to try and keep that area stimulated properly. Like 99% of the times before though the feelings subsided instead of reaching climax.
I find my wife very attractive, even if she doesnt understand why. I would be all over her most days except i know she mostly isnt in the mood at all. Got her some great sexy lingerie to help her feel sexy, but knowing she had it on all day did more for me than her.
I occationally relieve my own tension myself so not to bother her, but it doesnt match the feelings of having intimacy with her & i find i am quickly desiring her again.
I dont want her miss out.
She wish she felt like sex more often too.
This is a common situation i suspect.
Men & womens physiology means most of the time men want more sex than their wife does.
Who has a spare week to set the mood, build up the sexual tension, book the weekend away, pack the chocolate, find a trustworthy baby-sitter and go re-enact the pre-marriage dirty weekend away every month, and still run a business, do the home finances, save enough money, clean, raise the child/children, bury the dog, play family politics, etc. And thats just part of my wife's week.
Does this sound familiar?
I suppose identifying problems is the first step in finding a solution.
Putting this to a bunch of strangers on some website seems a little rediculous, but its worth a shot as what ive been doing for 12 years isnt exactly working.
So hi everyone, welcome to inorgasmics anonimous.
inorganon: Did you ever tried buying her a toy that stimulates the clitoris? I cant emphasize this enough, you both together need to find out how to complement the penetration itself while stimulating spots that works for you and takes her all the way. Other spots I find to arouse me are nipples. It`s awkward for me to actually be open about this but I`ve come across this and feel like giving my 2 cents. I cant wrap my mind around the fact that people can go for years and years without fully satisfying themselves. I don't know anything about their lives but gets me thinking if there isn't really a psychological blockage of some sort. Maybe its more than time you both sit down and talk about trying to come up with a plan to figure this out. I personally believe sex is more than 50% behind a happy couple. My first boyfriend was never right for me and we were together for 6 years (15-21) and boy was that a waste of time. I think the problem with him is that he was extremely plastic in bed for some reason, it felt like there were hidden cameras somewhere, its was like he has been rehearsing and then 3,2,1...action. I think sex is supposed to be instinctive and natural, you have to allow your body to go for it and not think about anything. Maybe wives are over-thinking it? I'm sure its not just about one thing alone, whatever issues are, sex plays such an important role, it really nurtures the bond between two people, it is what keeps the spark imo.
I took her into an adult shop and i made her choose a vibrator. She chose a small descrete thin one. I intruduced it soon after but she didnt find it that effective.
Her nipples are a bit off limits while she is breast feeding.
You are right, its about time we sorted this out. Maybe we should see a specialist. She has a retroverted uterus but i doubt this is the main reason.
She has endometriosis which has been treated and seemingly gone away since carying our babies to term. That made certain things painful.
I think it comes down to the fact that we are overwhelmed with the preasures of life. She cant put down the long list of things that need her attention.
We need to simplify our life. Running a business, raising our son, home finances, etc are all weighing her down. And at the moment things dont look like getting easier what with the economic pressures.
Quality time and a healthy sex life should not take a back seat in a relationship, but life is full of pressures, trials, hardship, as much as the easy moments in life.
I think that before we were married i had a career in tv that paid fantastic money where i worked with famous movie and tv stars. My wife found the lifestyle fairly carefree and really interesting. Maybe Hugh Jackman's charisma was rubbing off on me?
But we both wanted to get out of Sydney, take over the family business and live the country life where our children would be happier, rounded and healthy.
So we walked away from the high life and the big paycheques.
I can tell you that unless you REALLY REALLY love running your own business, dont do it. Its such a double edged sword.
If we can find a way to take some of these overwhelming pressures away it will be a whole different story, sexually.
Knowing things have to change and finding the way forward to that end are 2 different things as are the consequences and potential benefits.
I think there are the psycological issues you are refering to.
Im glad you have been able to nurture a sex life that is natural and instinctive.
I think our struggle to have a family played a role in taking away the natual and instinctive aspect of sex. It became a thing to have to do at the right time for the certain days in a row in certain positions blablabla.
50% of a good marriage is the sex life. Gosh, then we really do need to work on it, together.
I have my own issues regarding sex. Mainly a lack of confidence because i came to the relationship a virgin at 27. Oh crap, youre thinking right. I stupidly still struggle to comprehend why a beautiful woman like her would like me.
So rediculous right? After all weve been through. Im clever but I can be very stupid also. Self confidence isnt my strong point, and thinking that i am failing to give my wife the sexual experience she deserves isnt helping that, even if its probably not me, but is it? You see?
Knowing the intimate bits and pieces of a woman is all good and well, but when 90% of the important parts are in her head, then thats where guys need to focus, unless thats just a bunch of new age hokus pokus s.n.a.g talk, and all a woman wants is a confident John Travolta millionaire look a like.
Thank you for you honest reply. Nice to know that it can work, fills me with hope.
Its a bit of a risk putting stuff "out there" on websites like this but the embarrasment potential probably isnt worth even considering, especially if its all honest helpful advice.
One last thing, do you have a lot of, lets call it "stuff" going on in your life destracting you, and if so, how do you let go of it to let great sex happen?
Only if you want to share?
I love my husband of two years but we have a huge sex issue and when I am not into it and just do it for him it hurts and makes me hate it that much more. I occasionally enjoy it when we drink and set the scene but I only get an orgasm from his tongue or my vibrator. We try to spice it but but one problem is when I am really enjoying it he orgasms too fast for me to get remotely close and that is my fault for only having sex with time once or twice a month. I do not have a libido or drive. I sometimes get turnedon tthinking of other people but rrely get turned on for him. Lately things have improved but usually as soon as I start feeling close to hin comfortable and happy andiI actually feel intimate with him something happens and he upset me and then I don't feel intimate I think my issue is mental and I have to feel really happy and loved with my partner to really be able to have sex with him and I try to explain that to him but he thinks that I need pills to help but I have shown him many times when we haven't been fighting I am turned on for him but when he lies or does something to upset me we have to start over and try to rebuild the rapport I just wish I has a high desire luke most women.