I'm 22 years old and not sure what to do
with myself.
My wonderful parents stripped away every
layer of my self-esteem when I was a
child, and so I have no confidence in
myself. It's to the extent that I
can't even carry on a conversation with a
fellow human being, much less hold a job
or get a girlfriend. I flunked high
school because I spent every sober moment
in a state of indescribable misery with
only the promise of suicide to soothe me.
When I wasn't in school (which was
often as I skipped most every day), I was
in bed. I slept anywhere from 12 to
14 hours each day, sometimes more, and
spent the remaining hours lying face up in
bed staring at the ceiling.
I've done nothing in the past four years
since school ended. Instead i've
remained locked up and alone in bed, my
mind and body gradually deteriorating.
I've spoken less in all that time than
some of you do in a weekend. I have
no job, no money, no life, and seemingly
no future. I seriously doubt I can
pick up the pieces and regain a normal
existence no matter how I try. Not
that I ever had a normal life to begin
with, not at least since I was a very
young child. Sometimes I wonder
wether or not I really even want to get
"better".
To my credit I have acquired a ged over
the summer and am in the process of
enrolling in a community college, but I
can't help wondering what the point of it
all is. If I found it difficult to
interact with people back then I can't
imagine four years of solitude will have
improved my social skills. So it
seems I can look forward to more lonely,
friendless years ahead. And so what
if I do well? So what if I find
myself a decent job once I have a degree?
I no longer even remember what it's
like to feel happiness or joy. I'll
still be the same empty, lifeless person.
Nothing more than a soulless husk
that won't stop breathing. More and
more I wonder if I shouldn't just hurl
myself from the top of a bridge.
There's nothing for me in this life but a
lot of long, unhappy years.
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fatfamily02
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 20 Jul 2005 Posts: 3050 Location: Georgia, USA
Posted: 08-09-05 16:43pm
Dude.... Snap outta it. You can get up
and go on. Think about your children you
will have some day---they need you. Come
on you can do it!!!
Im sorry its been so bad for ya, but you
can start a new life today. Today is the
first day of the rest of your life. Like
there has never been anything before this
moment. I know you can I have faith in
you.
God bless you
i have 3 kids about your age they like to
chat online--you want to talk to them??
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vanessalouanne
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 31 May 2005 Posts: 2268 Location: ,
Thanks: 1
Thanked:0
Posted: 08-09-05 16:54pm
Sounds like you really need to seek
professional help and get on some
medication. Also blaiming your parents
is not going to do any good. The sooner
you stop feeling sorry for yourself and
get out there the better. We all have
control over our lives to make it better.
If your life sucks that bad then get out
there and make something of it.
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Webexplorer83
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 09 Aug 2005 Posts: 14
Posted: 08-09-05 17:22pm
I'm leery of seeking "professional" help.
Around my senior year I was prescribed
paxil. I've always been mellow and in
control, not all prone to outbursts.
But when I started taking that drug things
changed. I underwent periods of extreme
rage followed by weeping hysterics, I
became detached from myself... As though
I were a video game character and what I
did or who I hurt really didn't matter,
and I began to think crazy things. It
reached a breaking point when I found
myself literally planning to drain my
parents' bank accounts, arm myself, and
head to the city in search of prostitutes
and a bank to rob. I got myself off the
pills fast and returned to my senses, what
few I had.
I tried speaking with a shrink once a
week, but I really didn't find it all that
helpful. Basically he reiterated what I
already knew. I felt like I was wasting
my time with him and I got frustrated, so
I quit. Next I gave group counseling a
shot, but that didn't pan out much better.
Part of the problem is anxiety, I think.
My palms get sweaty, I get nervous, I
begin to stutter and blurt out things I
never meant to say in the first place
which in turn gives people the impression
that i'm stupid. I'm really not sure
how to combat it. I can take a deep
breath and march right into a frightening
situation but I still manage to say the
wrong things and make a fool of myself.
And when it comes to social situations my
mind completely blanks. I don't know
what to say or talk about, and so I wind
up alone as usual.
The real kicker, though, comes in the form
of health insurance, or lack thereof. I
can't afford to see a professional or pay
for medication at this juncture. I've
hit a brick wall. I wish I could just
brush myself off and get out there, but I
don't know where to begin.
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vanessalouanne
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 31 May 2005 Posts: 2268 Location: ,
Thanks: 1
Thanked:0
Posted: 08-09-05 17:30pm
You cannot swear off all professional help
by a bad experiance. Sometimes it takes
a while to find a medication and doctor
that work for you.
As for getting out there start small.
Try stricking up conversation with people
at school. Join a dating service on the
internet or join a forum with people of
simmilar intrests...I.E. If you like star
wars find a star wars forum and make
friends that way. Just take baby steps.
Join a gym or the ymca. Just get out
there and try.
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fatfamily02
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 20 Jul 2005 Posts: 3050 Location: Georgia, USA
Posted: 08-09-05 20:23pm
I seriously know what you mean about
feeling trapped and see no way out. I
totally understand, like the abused and
neglected housewife with 3 kids and one on
the way. But some hoow they find their
selves and get on with life. Or the
police find them dead someday. I feel
your at that point. Call out to jesus,
he can and will help you. All you have
to do is say "jesus" and he will come.
Like other writer says, little baby steps.
Do something for yourself everyday, take
a bath, brush teeth, that is if you dont
already do those things everyday. Just
find something to do for you.
Help this boy god in jesus name. Come to
him where he is and show him a better
way.
Thank you father
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Hightension24
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 08 Aug 2005 Posts: 65 Location: Houston
Posted: 08-10-05 04:13am
Maybe you were meant to be a bank robber
and you are going against your fate...
Fate is a nerd and you can't win. And go
see a doctor and try a blend of adderall
and klonopin... You will remember what
happiness is, or go for another drug such
as codeine or morphine... Opiates rock.
At least you will have scoring dope as a
reason to live. Bottom line is suicide
is stupid. If you ever get the gonads to
kill someone... Well, you get what i'm
saying. Hope I have helped :)
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Brittens
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 24 Oct 2005 Posts: 24
Adderall Recovery Photographs--a Must Read Posted: 10-25-05 19:53pm
Someone has chosen to use ebay as a venue
to get help with their adderall
addiction-encouraging creative energy.
Photographs are really interesting.
Looking to the community-ebay does reach
such a large audience. Hmmm...Ideas
generating in my mind. Any adderall
users having troubles, check out this
find:
Joined: 24 Jul 2004 Posts: 139 Location: Sydney Australia
Posted: 10-25-05 23:11pm
Hello webexplorer,
i know how you feel and you feel
trapped.
But then I believe you have been placed in
the wrong hands for treatment.
Most people believe that if you are
depressed, it is either due to a
biochemical imbalance for which you can
get drugs, or it may be due to intractable
negative thoughts, which is treated by
talk therapy. Neither of these approaches
have been very successful thus far.
Nobody seems to think of the possibility
that negative thought processes may be
caused by an underlying biochemical
disorder. If you have an abnormal
biochemical disorder it is to be expected
that you will experience abnormal
psychological experiences that should not
be confused with the causes of
depression.
In fact the conventional drugs and/or
psychotherapy approach has run its course.
It is palliative treatment, meaning it
tries to treat the symptoms but not the
causes. We need to make a mind-shift.
