I'm leery of seeking "professional" help. Around my senior year I was prescribed paxil. I've always been mellow and in control, not all prone to outbursts. But when I started taking that drug things changed. I underwent periods of extreme rage followed by weeping hysterics, I became detached from myself... As though I were a video game character and what I did or who I hurt really didn't matter, and I began to think crazy things. It reached a breaking point when I found myself literally planning to drain my parents' bank accounts, arm myself, and head to the city in search of prostitutes and a bank to rob. I got myself off the pills fast and returned to my senses, what few I had.
I tried speaking with a shrink once a week, but I really didn't find it all that helpful. Basically he reiterated what I already knew. I felt like I was wasting my time with him and I got frustrated, so I quit. Next I gave group counseling a shot, but that didn't pan out much better.
Part of the problem is anxiety, I think. My palms get sweaty, I get nervous, I begin to stutter and blurt out things I never meant to say in the first place which in turn gives people the impression that i'm stupid. I'm really not sure how to combat it. I can take a deep breath and march right into a frightening situation but I still manage to say the wrong things and make a fool of myself. And when it comes to social situations my mind completely blanks. I don't know what to say or talk about, and so I wind up alone as usual.
The real kicker, though, comes in the form of health insurance, or lack thereof. I can't afford to see a professional or pay for medication at this juncture. I've hit a brick wall. I wish I could just brush myself off and get out there, but I don't know where to begin.
