Breaking Up With My Love... Long Personal Story, So Beware!

I've been dealing with this problem for a while now, and really don't have anywhere to turn. I just need to get this all out in text, if nothing else; then for myself to put it all in perspective. Here at least, I may find some helpful feedback where I wouldn't have it in my documents. This is for me, so don't even read it if you don't want to hear a drawn out story about my life. I have to send this out to space.

This is about a hippy chick. We'll call her jenna.

Born free...
Met her almost 3 years ago, she was new to the air force, i'd been in not much longer. Here we are in japan, far away from everything we know. Me just a 19 year old kid, away from home for a mere year. Settled into japan after 6 months, and had made some good friends to help me along the way. Jenna arrives, 22 year old woman and after a little hesitance, we become fast friends; despite our vast differences. She's a liberal, i'm conservative. She's atheist, i'm catholic. I'm outgoing, she doesn't much care for crowds; preferring a quiet book and some green tea alone in her room instead of the clubs I frequented in tokyo. What we had in common, was intelligence and open minds. We'd sit together until the sun came up discussing life, religion, politics and the cosmos. One night a few months later in tokyo after a few drinks, found us making out in a dark corner. That's when I lost my heart forever. She explained to me the next day that despite her interest in me, she just isn't a relationship person. Destined to be alone her whole life, and that's fine with her. Me, I wasn't looking for a friend with benefits, my search for a deeper connection comes in the way of a life-long partner I hope to find. Jenna knew this, and we ended it at that. I accepted it, but could never let go of my feelings. I'd laugh along with everyone else as some guy would take her home; but cry inside. I'd tease her about going out to meet men, but inside beg her to see me. I knew better, she knew better. She was interested in the moment. Connecting with another soul for a brief time, then parting ways forever. Now i'm not saying she was ever a promiscuous person, she has always been a deeper person than most. These things happened over the course of a year and some change.

Enough is enough....
We had our encounters beyond the first. Seemed like every time we went out and had a couple drinks, we'd inevitably find ourselves wrapped around each other... Often in front of everyone! We never did have sex though, we both knew that was a bad idea. But each time we'd kiss it would rekindle that longing for her, which I could not kill. I was fiercely jealous inside whenever a friend of mine showed interest in her. Little did I know she felt the same. I found out later about the heaps of poems she'd written then discarded, pouring her heart out on pages which never saw any eyes but her own. But I could always see it in her eyes, just under the surface. Her admiration and love for me was strong, but she was afraid of the inevitable road to follow were she to give in. And that scared the caca out of her. One night in april of last year after another encounter at a club, she disappeared suddenly. I found myself at my whit’s end. Why does she keep doing this to me? I begged her best friend to make her stop this, because I can't take it anymore. Her friend told me i'd be wise to go to jenna's place. I sprinted.

Taming a free spirit...
We didn't have sex that night, but that did come a few weeks later. We enter a reluctant relationship. She was scared to death, had no idea how to go about this. Terrified of being attached to someone, as it went completely against her belief of impermanence. Some days she'd surrender to the love we shared, others i'd have to fight to keep her from bolting. Always faithful to me, but never sure if she could be this person. Maybe I asked too much from her. It took so long, and so many hard times, but eventually our relationship grew strong. She knew it was right, and we were deeply in love. Inseparable. It took me almost a year before she'd spend the night asleep by my side, but soon enough we couldn't stand the thought of a night apart. Lived together and worked together (yes, that was damn hard at times). Started to talk about forever. She asked me to come with her when she left in november (05). I agreed. I'd be out of the military, we could settle down. Her still in, me going to college. For the first time in our relationship I felt she needed me as much (if not more) than I needed her. Forever had always been such a frightening thing to her, but she had began to accept it could be beautiful. I had finally convinced her that life was better shared.

The wreck inside of me comes out...
Now we come to the point of this long-winded grief session. The reason I post this under depression. It runs heavily in my family. Depression stemming from insecurity and mistrust. This woman was never anything but 100% faithful and honest to me. If you knew her, you'd understand. She'll tell you the truth if it kills you. So here is what happened. I found every possible flaw I could in our relationship. She had changed by leaps and bounds, but it wasn't enough for me. I began to get jealous of her friends. Angry when they wouldn't accept me, even though it was me who was the friend to them; so why would they? She'd get irritated with me for acting like an immature friend, and i'd get frustrated because I knew I was being stupid. I'd get frustrated with myself, upset and chiding myself for being so ridiculous. So then i'd get down and in order to hide my own mistakes, i'd lash out at her for anything I could think of. How she laughed at his jokes but not mine. How she is cold to me at work but talks to everyone else. All along knowing it's because I am acting like an immature friend, but I just can't change it! This happened many times, until about 10 days ago after spending a week being depressed with myself for my actions, I had a long talk with her. I told her that I felt she had a negative opinion of me, that while she loves me with all her heart, I can tell she doesn't like me much any more. I said if I can't change her opinion of me, then I need to change how I feel about her; because she is wrong. We came to the conclusion that we must just bring out the worst in each other. So I told her it would be best if we broke up. That was 10 days ago. I haven't been sane since.

My cry...
How was I able to inspire such love and devotion from her; but still let myself feel insecure in what we had. Why wasn't it plainly obvious to me, that I had it all? All along I saw disapproval in her eyes and I took it as disapproval of who I am. Why didn't I see that it was my actions and words she were disapproving of, because she knew I could be better. She alone (besides myself) knew my true potential in life, and I should have been constantly working towards that; not seeking outside approval from anyone, not even her. All those times I knew she disliked what I had done, I reacted negatively because I knew I was wrong. I could have been so much stronger in this relationship. I could have been confident in who I am, and i'm sure she'd have grown with me a little better because of it. We could have been so much stronger for each other, instead I tricked myself into weakness. The passion we held for each other was unsurpassed. It was a great gift which I now feel I squandered. She was ready and willing to take me on as a partner in life, but I had to let materialistic goals lead me astray when I should have followed my heart all along, and promised to stay by her side wherever the world takes her. There had to be some way to work it out, why didn't I try harder? She's a beautiful bird who I wrongly tried to cage. Now I have damned myself to watch her fly away free and happy, when I could have flied along side her if I had only seen the beauty in that option. Now looking at the future before me, I can't see anything in color. It's all so bleak and meaningless without her. I can barely pry myself out of bed in the morning. I've become depressed and bitter, feeling like half of who I am is gone.


Tripping on the way back....
I see her every day. I begged her to take me back, told her all the mistakes i've made. I told her pretty much everything from the last paragraph. I told her how much I need her, and how ready I am to be the man she deserves. That we can make this work. That we can try again. She told me she needs some time to think about it. So I pressed. Two nights ago she seemed so ready. So willing and happy to have me back, the man she knew long ago. We talked about the place we'd get in texas (where she'll be stationed this fall). How I could go to college and get a part-time job. So close!!! So I pressed. Suddenly she seemed to have a change of heart. Yesterday she grew distant. I asked if we were together, and she said it had only been 10 days, she needed time to know for sure if the pain she feels in being apart is not just simple loneliness. I flipped out today. I screamed at her "how could you do this to me? How can you claim to love me so much; yet not be willing to take me back now? What are you waiting to discover here?" I told her some harsh things. Asked if after she's done trying plan "a" (being alone) if she'll try doing it someone else to make sure it's really me she's missing. I saw the same pain in her eyes i've seen my bitterness cause time and time again, and it ripped me apart. So close!!! I was so close to having her back, but all the negativity, insecurity, bitterness and pain surfaced in one giant popped bubble. I apologized on the way to work, bursting into tears. Telling her i'd leave her completely alone until she was ready, asking if we still had a chance to work this out; from her lack of a heart-felt response I knew the truth. She thought maybe I could change, she knows now I can't. I just destroyed what I was so close to having. Someone who could love someone as messed up as I am.

To anyone who read this whole thing, sorry for wasting your time. I had to write it, for me. For jenna. I hope somehow I can live with what i've done to her, and to myself. I love her with all my heart. She is my rock... My life... My heart... God help me, what have I done!!!!?!?!?!?!