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I Dont Know Who I Am (Page 1)

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Hi I am a 19 yo girl from japan.

I dont know how I feel, what I want to do, what I dont want to do.
I cant trust people, I can't trust myself.
I am depressed and cant concentrate.
I sleep a lot. Insanely.
I think I have a codependency.
Maybe I had been abused by my brother as I grew up.
I dont know its called abuse, but my bro was not that kind to me, like he frequently kicked me and I often had bruises on my body.
He loved to make fun of me and make me cry.
He laughed delightedly everytime I cried.
I have been thretened by him with a knife.
Maybe it was not as big a deal as it sounds..But I dont know..
My mother didnt care about what he did to me. My mom is pretty weird..
I cant be assertive cause I dont have what to assert.
I am really confused and I dont really know what im saying now.
I had been pretending what I am supposed to be, without even knowing it.
Now I dont know my real feelings and thoughts.
I dont want to lie to myself anymore, but I dont really know the real me.
When im with someone, I feel so stressed out. I feel fear, guilt, shame..
I force myself trust them and do whatever I think is appropriate, but end up feeling crappy and regretting over it.
Life is no fun.
My brains getting dumb cause I sleep all day. I mean all day.
I am not working or schooling.
When I am awake, I do nothing.
I became so forgetful lately. I feel like dying. Feel like a zombie.
Now that I dont know what I am supposed to be, what is appropriate anymore anyway, so I need to face my problem.

I feel like I am not supposed to be happy, and I think I try to be allitle unhappy to make someone pay attention to me. I dont know...

I am weird and insane!!!

Im sorry about my poor english. I wonder if anyone could understand.
Thank you very much for reading.
If anyone could give me some advice, I would appriciate it.
Please help me..................
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First Helper lost_in_the_lies
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Users who thank lost_in_the_lies for this post: Arch_Raphael  erangagp 

replied July 26th, 2005
Extremely eHealthy
I am so sorry-- I think you really need to talk to a psycologist--or physciatrist. However you spell that.
God bless you--please find the help you need--jesus is a good start.
You know I was talking to my family the other day and I asked them, "do you know what I mean when I say, shut your emothions down--make yourself numb" none of them knew what I was talking about.
I am a recovering co-dependant. I always thought I had to have someone to take care of or I would have no value.
I have spent many years feeling like an alien in this world and only jesus could show me the way. I had to learn me, now I understand the rest of them, so it helps me to cope. It was harder when I did not understand them. But it defineately sounds like you don't want to understand your brother--sometimes knowing just how they feel is really scarey.

I dont know if this can help--but I know jesus can. Just call on him and he will answer you. All you have to do is speak his name--"jesus" and he will come on the scene right where you are.

Show her I pray.
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replied July 26th, 2005
Thank You Fatfamily02
Thank you for your precious reply.

Sadly I dont know where to find a psychologist..
I was seeing a counseler guy once a week for three months, but it was pretty disappointing.. He was hardly a pro.
I dont know what counseling really is, but I felt weird.
He got me wrong and thought I was a irrational lil kid who likes to have fun and escape from work. I'm not defending myself, but its not me.
He made me even more sicker.
I wish I were in america. I bet there are lots of good counselers over there.

I know how it feels like to shut emotions down..
I know my family members do not understand that too.
I am glad that you are recovering from this nightmere called codependency. I wish you a full recovery.
Thank you.
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replied July 26th, 2005
Depression
You have classic depression
if you can't see a psychologist/psychiatrist you have to work on this yourself
there's a great series of books by american psychologist Dr. Phil mcgraw...It's about dealing with past abuses, depression, making choices...Right now your choices are bad because you're so afraid of "doing" things you'd rather stay paralyzed
what your brother did was bad, and he victimized you because he feels bad about himself...Don't let anything bad happen to you any more but just feel sorry for him for being such a louse...
Have you tried saint john's wort? It worked so fast in me I couldn't believe it...It helps a little bit with a more positive outlook...
The trick dear, is to "win one"...Start very small, like "today i'm going to take good care of myself, brush my teeth, go for a walk, and not nap the entire day and research colleges"...Do that for a week, write a list, and cross things off, they're all little victories, then start taking some action towards a goal...You have to have a goal...You are so young, your brother is irrelevant in the long run, if you have to find a new family you can do so, do not let an abusive family ruin your entire life, go find a place and people where you can learn you're valuable...I don't know if you're a christian but church is a good place...Good luck and keep expressing yourself even in a stupid forum like this, every tidbit may help, and it's the writing that does good too...So keep a journal that's private under password
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replied August 9th, 2005
Experienced User
First of all, you are going to have to get away from your brother and mother. So if you are not working or going to school, you have to take steps to do so. And you have major depressive disorder(i'm pretty sure). Of course it just might be because of the abuse you took from your brother and not going to school or working. Church or god won't heal you so you gotta do something to help yourself. You are using sleeping as an escape when you should try to add or find something else. Exercise is a great release, not only because of the endorphins, but you will feel more fit. Even if you don't do anything else, if you work out you will feel like you accomplished something. Trust me, last year I didn't go to school, only worked part time at a&f and I was basically a total loser. But if I took my adderall, wellbutrin and worked out I at least said, I look and feel good. But it's also vital that you see someone about this. Even though I really don't talk to my psychiatrist and only really his nurse but just saying I feel better or yeah, the meds are working or they aren't, and I don't wanna kill myself or i'm having stupid problems with my girlfriend always seems to make me feel better. Maybe meds won't work for you but talking to someone always helps. And if you get medication for depression, it might work and you might find yourself feeling better, having more energy and etc... I wouldn't try any supplements because most don't work, cost too much and have had very little research done on long term use. You said your brain is getting numb, so i'd say eat more fish, drink green tea and eat so called brain foods. Diet can have a huge effect on moods. And honestly most people don't know who they really are. It's not a race and you're only 19. A lot of people are taking a year or two off from college who don't have to. But we're also the lost or doom generation... Hope what I have said helps.
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replied September 3rd, 2005
As Long As You Have Breath You Have Hope.
You sound so much like me; its so weird. Growing up i've had so many identity issues and to this day I still battle with some of them. The fact that you have posted an s.O.S so to speak speaks volumes of your wanting to get better. Im not going to tell you what to do as everyones situation is as individual as they are. What I will suggest to you is this... Get in touch with your past. You cant know where youa are going if you dont know where you have come from. How is your relationship with your father? Your mother? Take from them what suits your idea of love and justice and use that as a road map to find yourself. The journey ultimately is up to you to find who you are. Trust in your good nature and you will ultimately trust in yourself. I wish you the best on your journey of self discovery. Find what it is that you love most; let that be your guiding light,your alarm clock in the morning.
Your passion is your fuel for the days that lie ahead. Keep on smiling sunshine.
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replied September 3rd, 2005
Experienced User
I Love Lamp
I love lamp
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replied October 26th, 2005
Experienced User
Who I Am
Hello,
i see you posted this quite some time ago, but I hope from then to now you have found help or have learned ways to help yourself.
I have suffered with anxiety and depression and irrational fears for years. I just recently began to feel better. I work as a teacher at a christian preschool. I found jesus there and that has made a tremendous change for me. I read devotions each morning and have been deepening my relationship with god. I talk to god all the time about everything and anything. I really think it would be helpful if you learned some of his word from the bible, if these are your beliefs.
Your life doesn't have to be a deep dark hole unless those are the results you choose to produce.
It sounds like you suffer from post traumatic stress disorder from childhood emotional abuse. Your brother sounds very mean and unsympathetic. Maybe you could go to a nearby bookstore and find some books on this.
I think if you started a journal and released feelings though writing too you may feel better. Just getting the emotions out is a relief and so much healthier than holding them in.
It is really really hard to come out of depression, but it if you make a promise to yourself that you refuse to live this way and you get up and even just start taking walks each day, you will feel better. It was hard for me, but I had two choices, live or die and I was not about to let my past or fears kill me. I have a purpose here and I need to fulfill it. Try and forgive your past and let it go. Move forwrd and start living for you and not for the little girl you were. Don't let your brother have control over your life anymore!!! You deserve to live and if you just pray about it open yourself to activities and events around you, you can and will pull out of this. Stay focused on the end results and not the situation you are in now. Good luck and may god bless you richly!
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replied September 23rd, 2008
Re: I Dont Know Who I Am
Hi Lady Don't Get upset try to overcome this problem by not interfering
in your brothers work and try to not induldge into any activity that can
make your brother abused to you .

2.To overcome this all the activity you have to raise your confidence first
by either standing to your on foot(I mean to say search some good job)
and spend your as much time there this can change his and your family outlook towards yourself.

3.You need not to go to any psychologist/psychiatrist it can make you feel sick only ,be patient and search someone who can involve and provide you emotional touch.

4.My overall motive to write this blog is to tell you the only problem which
you have to overcome is your inside fear that has created in you and that
can only be raised when you Earn something so i as a friend advised you
to search a job first .




lost_in_the_lies wrote:
Hi I am a 19 yo girl from japan.


I dont know how I feel, what I want to do, what I dont want to do.

I cant trust people, I can't trust myself.

I am depressed and cant concentrate.

I sleep a lot. Insanely.

I think I have a codependency.

Maybe I had been abused by my brother as I grew up.

I dont know its called abuse, but my bro was not that kind to me, like he frequently kicked me and I often had bruises on my body.

He loved to make fun of me and make me cry.

He laughed delightedly everytime I cried.

I have been thretened by him with a knife.

Maybe it was not as big a deal as it sounds..But I dont know..

My mother didnt care about what he did to me. My mom is pretty weird..

I cant be assertive cause I dont have what to assert.

I am really confused and I dont really know what im saying now.

I had been pretending what I am supposed to be, without even knowing it.

Now I dont know my real feelings and thoughts.

I dont want to lie to myself anymore, but I dont really know the real me.

When im with someone, I feel so stressed out. I feel fear, guilt, shame..

I force myself trust them and do whatever I think is appropriate, but end up feeling crappy and regretting over it.

Life is no fun.
My brains getting dumb cause I sleep all day. I mean all day.

I am not working or schooling.

When I am awake, I do nothing.
I became so forgetful lately. I feel like dying. Feel like a zombie.

Now that I dont know what I am supposed to be, what is appropriate anymore anyway, so I need to face my problem.


I feel like I am not supposed to be happy, and I think I try to be allitle unhappy to make someone pay attention to me. I dont know...


I am weird and insane!!!


Im sorry about my poor english. I wonder if anyone could understand.

Thank you very much for reading.

If anyone could give me some advice, I would appriciate it.

Please help me..................
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replied September 26th, 2008
to i dont know who i am
alot of the problems you are speaking of are common to depression.ihave alot of those problems including loss of identity you were talking about.i think alot of people have these types of thoughts.i also think that we as depressed people are more aware so we think too much about our thoughts on these matters and then we get really freaked out about them.or at least i do.ihope you can get those bad thoughts out of your head.for example,you thought that your english wasnt good and that you were'nt making sense.but i thought you made perfect sense and that your words read like poetry and were beautifully written.
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replied October 29th, 2008
i am mad aswell
Hi, just wanted to tell you that you are not alone there. All that you have written seems like my thouhts which i cant really express to written words because sometimes its all just too confusing and messy....
I would like someone to explain, why we feeling that way (or not feeling anything at all) and what can we do to feel alife human beings instead of freekish aliens. But sadly no one seems to know the answer.
Good luck for you though, write from time to time how you are doing.
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replied January 25th, 2009
depression
I have every thing that you discribed I dont know who to turn to Ive looked every where but it seems as tho im going insane almost harmful to others ,no one hears me when I talk its like no one cares what do I do do I give up and get locked away or try to fight it more?
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replied March 5th, 2009
Im so glad u wrote about this.
i feel just like u guys, ive been trying to answer it by seeing a councillor / dr who gave me pills but i cant keep taking them. they keep teeling me i have anxiety but i know its not, it may go hand in hand but i know there is more to it, i really dont know who i am, what im like as a person. what things i like, who i want to be, i dont even know what my sexuality is. im confused all the time, i dont understand simple conversations sometimes. its like im in my own bubble and what ever i try just cant get out. i get angry a lot and cant control it. i feel like im a bad person but i just dont know nothing about myself, if i did then maybe it would help me start somewhere. i always say ill do things but i never do .... because i dont really want to do them, ive just seen or heared other people do them so thought i would try it to try to make myself like it. All through my teens this was my main focus, and im 21 now and still i have got no where apart from feeling guilty or shamed of who i am... who ever that may be.
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Users who thank sentimental for this post: deadsoul89 

replied June 2nd, 2009
hi. The first thing you should do is talk to your brother about this . I was like that brother. I was not good to my brothers , I had to have some power because I was treated badly in scool and my father was not so nice to me or my brothers not physical but verbally.

So I realized that I was a child and it was not my fault. Sombody should have watch me and take care of my and how I felt. Also was my brother young and sombody should have watch him and give us much much more attention. Now we are friends.

We are grown up and what you do as a child should not be ranked in the same class as if you where an adult. But you have to talk to your brother about this.

He is probably treated badly somwhere.

goodbye
J
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replied June 8th, 2009
I feel just like u 18 yr boy
well i feel the same but i just deal with it buy just doing some fun stuff like hanging out with friends watching anime sometimes or doing something like going to a haunted place for fun that stuff usaly makes me less depressed for the time being
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replied June 12th, 2009
i have the same problem as u i dont know who i am either.
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replied August 16th, 2009
Please ... if this helps... there is hope and answer to your troubles. I mean that sincerely. Can u get a copy of the bible or atleast the New Testament. please do reply.
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User Profile
replied August 16th, 2009
Supporter
Who are you replying to?...the original poster is from 2005. Hopefully after 4 years she is doing better.
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replied October 31st, 2009
Listen to the song "Love" by john lennon.
You will feel better Smile
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replied January 2nd, 2010
Helping you find the start line
To everyone who is on the page you are not alone you do matter and your purpose in life is just around the corner. im not a religious man i too was/am still lost but i have found through the last couple of years that modern society needs to be propped up by something that they believe is bigger and smarter than them gods,doctors and world leaders but you dont need something which is readily taught in schools colleges and university to tell you who you are and how to change we are amazing people who can achieve ANYTHING we want, every now and then you get people who do not want to walk on the moon or be the next primeinister of england but just want to be heard aknowledged or help others in difficult situations. understanding you as a person is very important only once you understand yourself can you help your self. learn about your people how they dealt with even greater heartaches than you and came out the other side. change can be hard so hard you dont know were to start but you are the start and the end of your journey.i want to help anyone i can so that one day i can understand me and my problems none of which are greater than anyone elses together we can find ourselves anyone wants to talk im here, write me.
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