|Hi I am a 19 yo girl from japan.
I dont know how I feel, what I want to do, what I dont want to do.
I cant trust people, I can't trust myself.
I am depressed and cant concentrate.
I sleep a lot. Insanely.
I think I have a codependency.
Maybe I had been abused by my brother as I grew up.
I dont know its called abuse, but my bro was not that kind to me, like he frequently kicked me and I often had bruises on my body.
He loved to make fun of me and make me cry.
He laughed delightedly everytime I cried.
I have been thretened by him with a knife.
Maybe it was not as big a deal as it sounds..But I dont know..
My mother didnt care about what he did to me. My mom is pretty weird..
I cant be assertive cause I dont have what to assert.
I am really confused and I dont really know what im saying now.
I had been pretending what I am supposed to be, without even knowing it.
Now I dont know my real feelings and thoughts.
I dont want to lie to myself anymore, but I dont really know the real me.
When im with someone, I feel so stressed out. I feel fear, guilt, shame..
I force myself trust them and do whatever I think is appropriate, but end up feeling crappy and regretting over it.
Life is no fun.
My brains getting dumb cause I sleep all day. I mean all day.
I am not working or schooling.
When I am awake, I do nothing.
I became so forgetful lately. I feel like dying. Feel like a zombie.
Now that I dont know what I am supposed to be, what is appropriate anymore anyway, so I need to face my problem.
I feel like I am not supposed to be happy, and I think I try to be allitle unhappy to make someone pay attention to me. I dont know...
I am weird and insane!!!
Im sorry about my poor english. I wonder if anyone could understand.
Thank you very much for reading.
If anyone could give me some advice, I would appriciate it.
Please help me..................