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im afriad of my mom
June 30th, 2005
Hi ya
please dont judge me! Im 15! When I was 13 I was over weight 15 1/2 stone and I thourght I was ugly I stoped eating propally, I was getting bullied , I started smoking, got in wid the wrong crowd n started drinkin its not as bad as it may sound! But wid this crowd I found guys started to like me but I didnt like them I ended up goin out wid them n doin stuff tho! It made me a bit happer knowin ppl liked me but then worse for feelin like a slut! I started self harming! The bulling got worse n the crwed turned on me as I tryed to stop smokin and drinkin one boy thretend me, held me down n burnt me wid a lighter thats when I knew I hat 2 get out of that crowd so I hangd around wid differend ppl I didnt tell them about my past for a long time but when I did they told ppl and soon it was all round school the bulling got worse and so did the smokin, self harmin and eatin habbits I got down to 10 stone! But I have stretch marks and flabin skin where I lost it so rapidly! Sum1 told a teatcher I was self harmin, I was so low I tryed killin myself several times and hat 2 see a councerler!


Then my friend set me up with her m8 I fell for him badly we did loads of stuff and then when I thourght I cud trust him I opend up 2 him a bit and told him what was goin on in my head big mistake! I tryd to make it work I stopd everything he told me 2 but I cudnt stop self harmin becuase I felt I wasnt gud enough 4 him but he didnt no that was y I was doin it! He dumpd me n said its better this way n never talkd 2 me agan, he didnt answere my letters or txts, I lost it, it was just before x-mas n there was loads of drink so I drunk 2 much n scared my family coz I stopd breathin n stuff!

At school every1 called me a syco n one girl grabd hold of my arms draggin me round showin every1 my wrists after that I tryd so hard n a cupple of mounths later I stoped self-harming and showin my depression I am fake and bottle things up agan I havnt found away 2 realse my pain in away that dosent effect other ppl or hurt my self!

My head is so full of thourghts it hurts! But every1 has now kinda forgotten about my past and has made friends wid the fake me no1 is aware there is stil pane inside me! I feel I have no1 I can trust or talk 2 and no way of realsein my pane iv just had exams n my stress leveles are high I still feel I want to die but have lernt to smile through everything! Plz help and if any1 can relate plz talk 2 me. I need advice I feel really screwd up sorry iv sed like my hole life story!
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poetmcc
replied July 1st, 2005
Experienced User
Hi amie,
don't worry, this site is for people to help you, not to judge you and tell you tuff like that.
Whew! You seem to have gone through a lot. Let me just say that if you have survived through all of this you are very brave and determined...Please don't try to kill yourslef. There are much better things in life. Have you heard the saying "it has to get worse before it gets better"? I think your situation is terrible but now the only thing that can happen is to get better.

I think you can really benfeit from seeing a counselor or a therapist. You mentioned you used to see one so why not go back? They would help you so much.
Take care of yourself, keep you chin up and keep me posted on how you are.
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cuteamie
replied July 31st, 2005
poetmcc wrote:
hi amie,
don't worry, this site is for people to help you, not to judge you and tell you tuff like that.
Whew! You seem to have gone through a lot. Let me just say that if you have survived through all of this you are very brave and determined...Please don't try to kill yourslef. There are much better things in life. Have you heard the saying "it has to get worse before it gets better"? I think your situation is terrible but now the only thing that can happen is to get better.

I think you can really benfeit from seeing a counselor or a therapist. You mentioned you used to see one so why not go back? They would help you so much.
Take care of yourself, keep you chin up and keep me posted on how you are.

thanx u 4 ur advice ill try! But seein the coutcerlier really didnt help n I really wud rather not go back but ill think bout it!
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chaosbob
replied July 31st, 2005
Experienced User
Have you gone to english classes...I heard they could help with your grammer
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damsel
replied August 1st, 2005
Experienced User
chaosbob wrote:
have you gone to english classes...I heard they could help with your grammer


oh like that was appropriate! You're not obliged to say anything if all you can think of is derogatory remarks. And i'm sure your perfect at everything are you? Just leave her alone! As if it matters anyway

anyways back to you babe, i'm sorry you've gone through all this sh*t. Do I remember you from the eating disorder page...Or maybe i'm thinking of someone else...Doesn't matter. I'm not sure there is anyway out of this cycle of self harm and hatred than alot of therapy. I hate to say it, because i'm resisting it at the moment, but honestly if you wanna make a full recovery, therapy is the best way (unless your tom cruise in which case he would suggest scientology, whatever floats your boat). I'm really sorry you feel the way you feel, it doesn't sound like your school life is all that happy, bullies really do make life hell. Could you move schools, like start fresh somewhere else? "you're beautiful, no matter what they say" ok? Pm me if you ever need to chat or vent or get advice, your not alone ok?
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fatfamily02
replied August 1st, 2005
Extremely eHealthy
So Sorry About Your Problems!!
The only thing I know about bulemia and anorexia is that they do and cannot help doing it cuz they feel they have "no controll of the things they think they had control of" even if they never really had the control anyway--like controlling a friend who seems to treat themselves badly, or parents who want to get divorced, or even the bullies who hate them and treat them badly.

I myself believe "cutters" or self harmers are the same. Maybe when they can realize that they dont have control of other pple, should never be in control of anothers fate, they will be cured.

It is a co-dependancy thing where we gain our value by how good we can be to others, and by being good to them can invertantly change who they are and put their feet back on a solid rock. But when the things we do, does not help them, or change them we feel we have failed them. So we dont deserve any good things and in your case have to hurt yourself cuz you failed them.

I think when we realize we are beautiful for wanting to be a helper to others, and not cuz we have cured them. And when we realize we cant cure them, we have no control of what they do, we will be cured.

I hope this helps you sweetie, I will keep checking this post. Please let us know.

No one is worthy of your life!!! Please dont let the thought make you end it. Tell the thoughts to stop in jesus name, and they have to stop. Find a counselor please.

God bless you hon
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