Ok...I'm 18/m and i've been doing dome research online about depression, and i've always told myself I can't have depression because I have no severe symptoms like self harm or alcoholism or any other addiction. So then I came across the term "dysthymia" and it described exactly my state of mind... I think constantly about myself, my personality, my looks, my achievements and compare them with other people... I look back at things i've done or said in the past and literally cringe and feel deep regret. Even really stupid things like saying something in front of my peers that made me look foolish, I remember these things and when I remember them, in my mind I imagine stabbing myself or harming myself in some way although I never actually carry out these acts.

I have no conviction in my own decisions, many major decisions in my life such as course choices in school/university have been greatly influenced by someone else. This makes me feel totally pathetic that I can't think for myself and have the self belief and confidence I want. I've finished school recently and all i'm doing to pass the days is eating, sleeping, watching tv, playing guitar and posting random rubbish on internet messageboards. When my parents have people round to visit, I literally hide in my bedroom because I don't want to be the focus of anyone's attention and I don't feel like i'm worth talking to...They might ask me how i'm doing, all I can say is "not bad", and even though these people are the nicest people you could ever meet, I feel I can't express myself in their company. I feel boring and a burden on everyone else because all I do is go around quietly and make hardly any conversation.

I hate the way I look. When I look in the mirror, even though I know I don't have any major abnormalities in my features i'm just not happy with the face that looks back at me. I look in the mirror for sometimes 10 minutes at a time trying to convince myself that I have some kind of good features. I feel vain for doing this and pathetic for putting such importance on such an irrelevant thing. When people compliment me on any aspect of myself I soon find a way of disregarding it and trying to work out the real reason they said it.

I blame myself for my parents relationship with each other...I have fantastic parents, but they often don't get along with each other...There's often a tense atmosphere and my dad often just doesn't respond to my mum when she tries to speak to him which makes her upset. And I know if I was happier, they would be happier and also have a better relationship. So I feel guilty for feeling sad. I have pretty much no social life to speak of...I sometimes go to visit my older brother who lives a 2 hour bus journey away. He left home 2 years ago to go to university... I feel much more content in his company than I do in anyone elses and I feel normal again...I laugh and talk for a start which is something I barely do otherwise. I'm able to be relaxed and have fun. But I still feel lik a burden on him, like sometimes when I don't make the interesting conversation one of his university friends might.
Because I don't express myself or have the confidence of an adult I feel that people see me as younger than I am. People used to say I looked older than I am and I would be able to get into 15 rated movies when I was 13 for example, but even though I am legally able to buy alcohol, I still get the feeling that people won't serve me because of the way I present myself. I feel that since my brother left home I haven't grown up at all. I still feel 16.

I really miss my childhood...I sometimes think of the happiness and sense of well being I had as a child and cry about it. Which is pretty pathetic, I really need to just grow up. A couple of months ago I saw a school counsellor to try and help with my low mood...But every appointment I just felt stupid and that she didn't like me and that I was again a waste of her time because I never took her advice. I felt I needed to work my own problems out so I decided to stop seeing her. I'm not really expecting things to get better by pouring my heart out on the internet, but I suppose it's good for me to get all this down and get it off my chest...