Ok...I'm 18/m and i've been doing dome
research online about depression, and i've
always told myself I can't have depression
because I have no severe symptoms like
self harm or alcoholism or any other
addiction. So then I came across the
term "dysthymia" and it described exactly
my state of mind... I think constantly
about myself, my personality, my looks, my
achievements and compare them with other
people... I look back at things i've done
or said in the past and literally cringe
and feel deep regret. Even really stupid
things like saying something in front of
my peers that made me look foolish, I
remember these things and when I remember
them, in my mind I imagine stabbing myself
or harming myself in some way although I
never actually carry out these acts.
I have no conviction in my own decisions,
many major decisions in my life such as
course choices in school/university have
been greatly influenced by someone else.
This makes me feel totally pathetic that I
can't think for myself and have the self
belief and confidence I want. I've
finished school recently and all i'm doing
to pass the days is eating, sleeping,
watching tv, playing guitar and posting
random rubbish on internet messageboards.
When my parents have people round to
visit, I literally hide in my bedroom
because I don't want to be the focus of
anyone's attention and I don't feel like
i'm worth talking to...They might ask me
how i'm doing, all I can say is "not bad",
and even though these people are the
nicest people you could ever meet, I feel
I can't express myself in their company.
I feel boring and a burden on everyone
else because all I do is go around quietly
and make hardly any conversation.
I hate the way I look. When I look in
the mirror, even though I know I don't
have any major abnormalities in my
features i'm just not happy with the face
that looks back at me. I look in the
mirror for sometimes 10 minutes at a time
trying to convince myself that I have some
kind of good features. I feel vain for
doing this and pathetic for putting such
importance on such an irrelevant thing.
When people compliment me on any aspect of
myself I soon find a way of disregarding
it and trying to work out the real reason
they said it.
I blame myself for my parents
relationship with each other...I have
fantastic parents, but they often don't
get along with each other...There's often
a tense atmosphere and my dad often just
doesn't respond to my mum when she tries
to speak to him which makes her upset.
And I know if I was happier, they would be
happier and also have a better
relationship. So I feel guilty for
feeling sad. I have pretty much no
social life to speak of...I sometimes go
to visit my older brother who lives a 2
hour bus journey away. He left home 2
years ago to go to university... I feel
much more content in his company than I do
in anyone elses and I feel normal
again...I laugh and talk for a start which
is something I barely do otherwise. I'm
able to be relaxed and have fun. But I
still feel lik a burden on him, like
sometimes when I don't make the
interesting conversation one of his
university friends might.
Because I don't express myself or have the
confidence of an adult I feel that people
see me as younger than I am. People used
to say I looked older than I am and I
would be able to get into 15 rated movies
when I was 13 for example, but even though
I am legally able to buy alcohol, I still
get the feeling that people won't serve me
because of the way I present myself. I
feel that since my brother left home I
haven't grown up at all. I still feel
16.
I really miss my childhood...I sometimes
think of the happiness and sense of well
being I had as a child and cry about it.
Which is pretty pathetic, I really need to
just grow up. A couple of months ago I
saw a school counsellor to try and help
with my low mood...But every appointment I
just felt stupid and that she didn't like
me and that I was again a waste of her
time because I never took her advice. I
felt I needed to work my own problems out
so I decided to stop seeing her. I'm not
really expecting things to get better by
pouring my heart out on the internet, but
I suppose it's good for me to get all this
down and get it off my chest...
|
poetmcc
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 25 Mar 2005 Posts: 273
Hello Posted: 06-19-05 19:42pm
Hi kd121,
how are you doing today? I don't have
depression but I do often do the things
you mentioned- think constantly about
myself, my personality, my looks, my
achievements and compare them with other
people. Sometimes I feel so hopeless when
compared to tohers who are so msart abd
confident and funny. I feel like a wimp
who cannot do anything.
I am only a teenager but most of my
decisons are influenced by my way too
overprotective parents! I hate it when
people come over too! I feel they are
going to ask what i'm doing, where i'm
going to college and I feel I don't
measure up with the smart world. I try to
remind myself I am unique but I know, its
so hard when you see others. I guess the
only thing is to remember that the world
has only one of you no matter hwat you are
like...
Often I look in the mirror and just see
myself as fat and worthless just as you
seem to be describing. I think my parents
play a role inmy depression now because I
feel they are so overprotective I am
getting angry at them and feel that I am
so un- independent and like a child. One
of the things that helps me with this is
writing poetry and writing in my journal.
Sometimes listening to music or just
daydreaming for awhile helps too.
I am 16 but people often think I am 12 and
13 mostly because I am shy and I just look
kind of small and young I guess. Don't
worry when you're 40 and you look
younger, you will feel a lot happier. :)
childhood was happy time, I agree with
you. We were innocent and had no worries,
just happy-go-lucky...But the adult world
brings surprises and happiness too, its
just harder to find and keep. I know I am
being a hypocrite as I am not yet and
adult but...
I hope I have helped some and maybe even
given you some advice...Take care of
yourself, I hope it all gets better for
you. Thanks for taking the time to read
this, sorry its so long. :) smile- it
can only make your life bright.
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Kd121
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 19 Jun 2005 Posts: 17 Location: Uk
Posted: 06-19-05 21:15pm
Thanks. It's strangely comforting to hear
someone else going through the same sort
of stuff. I appreciate your input...You
sound like a really decent person, I hope
you are doing ok as well...
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Linz1987
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 29 Dec 2005 Posts: 9 Location: Durham
Posted: 01-05-06 18:13pm
Hi kd121
im 18 and I have had a similar experience
as you, my parents always tried to protect
be by being over protective and not
allowing me to make my own decisions. I
have an older brother and younger sister
who are perfect. I constantly put myself
down on how there so much smarter,
pretier, popular than me. You are not
pathetic, theres nothing wrong with
feeling like your worse than someone else,
everyone does it. I lock myself in my
room away from the world so I won't have
to talk to anyone. I think it's great
the relationship you have with your
brother but you could use this as an
example of what a great person you are so
try not to think someone will take your
place as you can not replace the bond you
and your brother have. I miss my
childhood as well, like how you and your
mates used to be like. I saw a
counsellor at school once but it felt so
aqward that I just put on a front and
convinced her that I was ok. I hope you
feel better about your self soon. X
