Ending a Relationship Forum - At a Crossroads...

My bf and I have been dating for 9 years, living together for the last 2.
I am 25 and he just turned 29.
We started dating in highschool and I loved him immediately. We couldnt get enough of eachother and we were physical 50-60 times a month (i'd keep track for fun sometimes).
I went to college about an hours drive away and he started getting jealous. I fit in well and made lots of friends and went out often. He didnt like me going out so much when he was stuck at home working endlessly and we ended up breaking up for about a month (until I moved back home). The break did me well and I missed him and things were good again.
Fast forward a few years (2001) and I started a new job. A coworker and I flirted incessantly and ended up having an affair on and off for a few months and during this my bf and I decided to have a break for a while again. I was shocked I could be intimate with someone else so easily and even tho bf never learned of the affair I wanted to spend some time alone to see what I felt. We agreed to get back together for the holdidays after only 2 months apart even tho I really wasnt sure I was ready to do so. It was just easier than answering our families questions. Since then things have been going unsteadily.
Sex has dwindled from several times a week to almost never. I have little or no desire to have sex with him anymore and I know it frustrates him. Things have been hard, but we've managed to keep going until recently.
Another coworker (first one has long since moved away) has shown interest in me for years now and we've always been best friends. The last few months we've started fooling around and even tho we've never had sex (not for lack of trying tho) we've been pretty intense. Its over now...He didnt want to get hurt in the end and figured we should back off and I understand. I dont want to hurt him either and i've developed strong feelings for him that I will now have to bury. I can deal with that since I was wrong to get involved in the first place.
Again it made me realize that I must not be happy in my current relationship and I brought it up to my bf. Again he does not know about any other guys i've been with...It would crush him to know. He just knows that im not ready to get married and I dont know if i'll ever be. He thinks it would solve our problems and I think the exact opposite!
I dont understand why I lhave looked to outside sources for sexual pleasure ...Always only good friends and not just random ppl...And why I do not care to have sex with my bf but it worries me.
I dont want to end up feeling like he's a brother and not a mate
im not sure if that intense lust and desire..The electricity and heat felt when first pursue someone or are being persured is supposed to die out and leave you with comfortability and complacentcy or if im supposed to be raging in love after all this time.
Id love to have a break to sort out my head, but with living together its almost impossible. I cant financially afford to move out on my own right now and I have no one to move in with temporarily either. I feel sort of forced to make it work since we have already invested 9 years of our lives together and our families and friends cant wait for us to finally get married.
Am I overreacting? Is this comfortably numb feeling expected?
A friend of mine once said that as long as the good times outnumber the bad its still worth it. I do love him and we have great times together, but im not sure if im still in love with him or if I supposed to feel that same intensity as I once did years ago or briefly with other men.
Someone please help me...!

Replies(5)

Pilleus

replied on June 13th, 2005

Experienced User

Don't get married if you're not sure. If you're not sure that means don't! I wish I would have been smart and not gotten married. You need to be out on your own for a while. Try to find a roomate if you have to. Just move out and enjoy your youth and freedom while you still can.

Unhappy and unsure

replied on June 13th, 2005

New User

Thanks for the reply.
I wont get married until im sure of the relationship. Im just not sure if how I feel about my bf is strong enough to last the next 40 or 50 years when in the past 9 we've had so many struggles.
To be more correct, i've had so many struggles...He loves me to death and wants nothing more to get married and have babies.
It kills me to be unsure and id love to wake up tomorrow and be confident in our relationship. I do want us to work out I think...I just wish I could find the spark that was there so long ago. If I could find it then I wouldnt have to look to others anymore and would invest more time in us.

Pilleus

replied on June 13th, 2005

Experienced User

I remember how it felt when I first met the man I am now married too. We had so much passion and the sex was out of this world.

Unfortunately, as most of us know, that spark eventually fades away.

Have you thought about counseling?

Unhappy and unsure

replied on June 13th, 2005

New User

Where I am from there really is no counceling. Its very very rural and counceling is almost unheard of here which is why i've turned to forums for advice. I really dont have anyone I can talk to that isnt a member of the family, etc. That would be objective and offer unbiased advice.
There are times I feel good about us and think that I should just get married and the rest will come, and other times I wonder if i'll ever be happy.
Im a very insecure person and I know that. I often base my actions and thoughts on what others say or do or go out of my way to please others. I have adopted the whole "as long as everyone else is happy, my happiness can wait" attitude over the years. Trying to figure out what I want is new territory, but vital to make sure I dont end up marrying this guy to make ppl happy.
I often wonder if im missing out on something since I dated him from the age of 16 and really didnt have a lotta dating experience before him and the whole promiscuity is my way of experiencing that before im married...? Im not sure...
I really dont think id cheat once im married, but then again I really didnt think id have cheated at all. Its not like I dont feel bad about it, I just have become a bit jaded and tend to "let things ride" and see how they turn out. This is how im dealing with things right now and it feels like im running out of time (bf wants to be married or at least engaged by the time he's 30 and he just turned 29 in may)

Unhappy and unsure

replied on June 29th, 2005

New User

Update...

Well..Im not sure if anyone cares or not lol but im posting an update.
The last few weeks have been hard, but since I last posted I have dealt with a few issues.
I talked to the coworker I was messing with and told him I understand why he stopped it and told him I value our friendship over anything and that even tho I have some serious feelings yet, I wasnt going to let them stand in the way of the totally laid back, best friend kinda relationship. I told him he wont even know and that I wont say a word or do anything to jepordize that.
I felt way better after knowing we were supposed to be ok
as for the relationship with my bf, its been slow going. He wanted me to decide immediately if I was going to stay or go and I couldnt. I told him that I wanted to let it ride out a bit and see how it went. I really wanted the mess with the coworker put to rest so I could think more clearly.
We've gotten back to talking....Theres still the odd awkward moment, and no intimacy yet but we're doin better.
I just found out today that the coworker has a new girlfriend. This doesnt really surprise me since I had a sneaking suspicion before and I mentally prepared myself for it. What did surprise me was that other than the initial "i feel like such a fool for still liking him" feeling, im mostly happy for him. He's so sweet and amazing that he really does deserve someone who can give him 100%. Yes I do still care, but he's moved on and im hoping I will to. I really do think that once the initial awkward meeting her and getting to know her stage is over with that i'll be so much better. Our friendship will be returned to its former easy-goingness and im hoping my relationship with my bf will get renewed or at least a fair shot without the pressure of wondering "what if" in regards to the coworker.
Since it ended i've been on this exercise/eat healthier kick to lose some weight and make myself feel better about me. Only 3lbs so far, but im gonna keep it up. I really have never liked myself despite others telling me I look fine and I think thats what led me to the cheating. The insecurity is constant and having someone else tell me they're interested in me or that I look good is a great turn on since I want so badly to believe it.
Initially the kick was to look better for myself and to make coworker jealous....As if to say "look what you didnt want" (as awful as that sounds)...But now its for me. The attention I may get from others is still a motivation, but im trusting the confidence I get from looking better will raise my self esteem to a level where I dont need that outside confirmation to believe good things about myself. *crosses my fingers*
anyways..Sorry about the rant. It feels good to sort this all out and unload somewhere. *hugz all*

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