Medical Questions > Relationships > Dating Forum

Am I Too Sensitive And "demanding"?

I figure asking this question of people that don't know me or my girlfriend is a good way to get honest opinions.

My girlfriend and I have been in a relationship for 7 months now. I went from a my first serious relationship, 5 years, (fiance, she left me for someone while she was on a trip) straight into this one. I was honest with this girl, and she knows my history. She also knew me when things with my ex were "good", so it's not like all of a sudden I met her. We're both in our mid-late 20's.

My ex was everything I wanted, minus the mental issues. :) losing her was a terrible blow, but, I knew the girl i'm with now was single, looking, and I knew that she was a good person and someone I could see myself with long term. I still do.

However, the longer we are together, the more I see things in her that I don't like. I find myself saying in my head "ok, my ex didn't have this issue, (or do this thing) I don't like this". So it ends up being these little annoying things that build up in my head. We essentially live together, we stay at her place during the week, mine on the weekends.

I'm not perfect, far from it. I have a short temper, and yell when I get angry. She told me this is unacceptable, and I have curbed my anger. Problem is, I still take these "small" issues, and bring them up to her, instead of letting them pass.

She does things like cook for me, goes for walks with me, etc., things that I know means she cares.

We got in an argument, she called me a name, I got more angry, and told her that was unacceptable. I don't do that to her, so I don't expect that to happen to me. A bit hypocritical, she doesn't like me yelling, so we both seem to have compromised and stopped those behaviors.

She was buying two items, I realized that if I threw a third item on there (i had no intention of buying originally because of cost) I could get it for something like 50% off. I didn't think twice about that. We got in above argument because of this. I would not have expected her to "share" that savings with me were the tables reversed, she expected me to pay more than the 50% I bought them for to save her more money. She essentially called me a liar for saying I was thinking at the time of purchase I would get that 50% off.

One night we went out to eat, and I said her name out loud to her (not intentionally to draw attention to her, just came up in conversation) there were two other couples in the area somewhat near us. She told me not to say her name out in public. I got upset and shut up, thinking about how ridiculous that was.

She doesn't allow her credit card number to be viewed, ever. If we are in line at the store, it stays in the purse until the very last minute. At a restaurant, the numbers can't be exposed when you lay the card on the table. Front or back.

I live in a nice neighborhood. No theft, no violence, nothing. I know that stuff is totally random, but everyone here feels as safe as you possibly can anymore. Night, we were getting ready to leave, I was told to close the car door because someone could jump out of the bushes (in front of my house, 20 feet from the front door) and carjack us or something. I was also told that not having a light on at my front door was dangerous because someone could hide out and jump me or her. Again, I was stunned/angry enough that I wasn't capable of deciding how dangerous areas are, or assessing the threats of an area, that I just shut up. We tried to talk about it, but as I see in every "discussion" thus far, i'm not going to change her beliefs or how she thinks, no matter what I bring to the discussion whether it be facts, others opinions, etc. I've lived here for 31 years, I think i've got a fairly good idea of how my neighborhood is.

We can't drive down a 20 foot alley (that we see at least once a week if not more, which shortens the drive to her place) because it scares her. Why? No reason, we just won't go down it. We drive half a block instead of 20 feet. :/

windows can't be open in the apartment when sleeping, ("gated" complex) because someone could climb in. Even the back sliding glass door. We're on the top, 4th floor, there is no conceivable way anyone can possibly climb in those windows.

Can't leave her front door open more than two seconds on your way in or out, "it's letting all the heat out".

It's 70*+ inside, shes always cold, shes sleeping under a blanket, yet she turns on a somewhat noisy fan in the bedroom?

"this store is expensive".(it's a specialty store in a major city!!) "their parking here sucks!" (again, free onsite parking in a major downtown??) "my apartment is too expensive". "i hate when people park around my car". And so on.

When I say that whatever happens to be on the station she is listening to is negative, (if she asks what I think about it) or whats on tv (springer, maury, she seems to believe those) she says thats "reality", and makes me feel that wanting the best in life, and portraying such, just isn't a reasonable expectation. It also makes me feel that her willingness to accept negativity in any manner (entertainment, news) just furthers her already irrational fears, and may actually influence how she interacts with me, perhaps being afraid I will cheat (again, that's "reality" in her opinion) or take her money or something like that. She's never said that to me, but I just kind of "know" that she is so cautious/fearful/expectant of the worst in our relationship, and it now helps both of us feed on that, instead of the positive...Me thinking she is thinking the worst, her perhaps thinking the worst.

My housemate of 2 years (and good friend for 10+) is a nice guy. Quiet, but a decent guy, has a decent job, doesn't cause problems. Not totally clean, he's a bachelor, but not disgustingly filthy. He never brings people over, and I almost never do either, except for her. I just found out that she doesn't sit on the toilet seat in my house. It's not dirty. That offends me. It makes me think she doesn't trust me, my choice in friends, my cleanliness, and that she is irrational in her fears. She sits on the seat I sit on at her house, so why not vise versa??

We live in an extremely hilly area. When she moves one of her criteria is that there be no hills, because they scare her to drive on. Yes, she is also the type to go 20mph on the freeway around a gradual corner, (states that the car might go flying off the road if she goes any faster) and asks me if its clear for her to change lanes when she is driving her car, which has great visibility, and is not a large vehicle. She won't trust me when I tell her that she can fit in a parking spot, or turn this corner without hitting something though.

When i'm sleeping, or trying, she will do things like turn on the tv, turn on the lights, slam doors and drawers, and blow her nose like a man. (you know, the way some old folks "honk" loudly when they blow their nose? Yep, every morning.) I mentioned this to her, it's better, but not nonexistent. I am like a mouse when I leave for work before she gets up.

She tells me she has to be talked into some things (like eating different foods, etc) yet when it comes to a movie I think she might actually like if she sees it with me, she shoots me down unequivocally. The other night she wanted to watch a show she had been planning on watching for a month or so. She set up the vcr because we decided that evening to go out to eat, and might not be back in time. We got back an hour before the show. I turned on the tv, and realized a movie I had wanted to see with her was just starting, but would run right through her movie. She said "you'll have to change that in an hour" and I suggested we record what she wanted to watch (i was interested in it as well, just not so much) since the vcr was already set, and watch this movie that was on, then watch her show together as well. I had no prior idea "my" movie was going to be on then. Her reply was "no". I got upset, and left the room. I came back, told her why it bugged me, and her response was that she had been planning on watching hers forever, and since I saw something *i* wanted to watch (not true, I wanted to watch it with her) it was selfish of me to try and make her wait to watch her thing. Since then, we've been pretty cold towards each other.

I tried talking with her, but it basically came down to "i'm watching this now, get over it". I went into the bedroom, laid there for an hour before falling asleep, and just listened to her laughing it up during this show. It just made me feel like she didn't care what I was going through, or how it made me feel to get shot down like that. Of course, was the tv turned down so I could sleep? Apparently yes she says now, but of course it was still loud enough for me to clearly hear in the next room. Just things like this indicate to me that she could care less if I was even there. When I bring this up, i'm "getting upset that she doesn't get upset" or she laughs (somewhat mockingly) about how they aren't a big deal. I've heard her say the same to her family.

She says she does care, but I know she is at a similar point I am...Not really knowing how to interact with each other...She feels that she will never know what will "set me off" or upset me.

I'm to the point now on issues like movies, concerts, etc., that I am no longer going to go with her to things she wants to go to that I don't really like, because I know she won't even attempt the same for me. I want a best friend, someone I can share everything with. Now if I want to see star wars for instance, I have to go by myself or with someone else. I've never been the kind of person to need "space", until her.

We went out to a bar/bowling with some friends, almost immediately one of them pulled me aside to ask what her problem was (there was no issue) and if we were fighting. She didn't interact with anyone there. Like she had no desire to be there. I don't expect someone to be super outgoing, but she loves to talk and it was mainly a group of people neither of us knew real well, but that doesn't mean you don't even listen to the conversations.

She apparently doesn't share info about other people with me in some cases. Last night was the first time I heard this, but it bugged me. "i found something out about someone at work today (that I would know) but I don't think they'd appreciate me telling you about it." we've said things about co-workers before, nothing sacred, but this time? We compromised, she told me the issue, but not the name. Fair enough, i've done the same. But why did I have to pry in this case? We both actually enjoy gossiping. The day before, I heard her tell someone in her family "well, don't mention it if you don't really want to talk about it".

I told her that as it regards safety and security, her negativity, always imagining the worst and governing both of our interactions, travel, and enjoyment, bugs me. It's irrational in almost all cases, and a majority of people would think the same. Of course, that doesn't matter, it's her life and that's the way she is going to think and do things, is always her response.

I do feel that i'm "picking" all these little issues and not letting them go. However, they do bug me, and I haven't been around anyone that has these kinds of beliefs that are so contrary to my own upbringing and experiences. She thinks they are little too, and that we should only argue about "big stuff", thats all thats important.

It's to the point now that i'm not uncomfortable around her, but i'm "bored". I don't want to talk because i'm still upset about all thats going through my head...The security issues, not telling me about other people, worrying about sitting on toilets, not willing to watch another show together, etc. So I have nothing to do at her place now, just watch tv show after tv show while she reads. I'd rather go to my place and play xbox or something. Driving in my car is more exciting now than her place.

Every time we get into an argument I come away feeling that everything i've said is wrong to her, or irrelevant in her eyes, regardless of how I *feel*. I'm not expecting her to change everything that bugs me, I let the fan issue slide, the blowing the nose, the door thing, etc., but when I tell her the other things that bug me, it's how small of an issue it is, or how *i* need to get over it.

I really think that if I can get past these things, we might have a good relationship. I don't want to give up on it, but I don't want to just set aside the feelings that make me, me. I'm not a bubbly happy person all the time, but I don't worry about getting beaten up every time I leave the house, or how I have to drive home to avoid danger, and to know that she is thinking that way all the time (and mentions it whenever she feels uncomfortable) gets old.

I don't know what i'm looking for here...Some input from others that perhaps all my little issues aren't just me being irrational and what I expect/want is not inconsequential, or perhaps that I do need to just let all of this "small stuff" roll off my back and deal with it.
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replied June 10th, 2005
Do you love this girl? Can you honestly say that you enjoy her anymore? Why do you want/need to be tied into a relationship with someone who makes you tense and vise/versa? Where is the ultimate frienship component? I wouldn't stay with her unless you think it is worth it all and you are already too emotionally vested. Maybe her upbringing has made her paranoid? Or some past bad experiences? Women should be more cautious than men though, I agree with her on most of that. It's better to be safe than sorry. I was with someone for 4 years who had a mountain of petty annoyances like that. I am relieved I ended it! It never got easier. Good luck.
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replied June 27th, 2005
Experienced User
Whoa, long story.

Here it is in a nutshell for you.

You were in love. You got badly hurt. You rebounded to this new girl. You transferred your emotions to this new girl, and you became happy. Eventually, some of the emotions you transferred to this new girl did not fit 100%. (i.E. Your anger, while acceptable in the past, does not fit with this girl.) and all these little discrepencies are slowly building up and bothering you. What it means is quite simple, she's not your ex-girlfriend, although at first she may have felt like it, even better than your ex. You can't treat her the same way, or expect her to act a certain way, she's different... Understand that. If you want it to work, take a step back and get to know this girl again and adjust yourself to meet her needs, not the needs of your ex. She also has to put an effort in to meet your needs.

Rebounds are tough. Chances are, things will get too heated and it won't work out.
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replied December 3rd, 2009
hi.
i was in a relationship with this guy for 3 years...we wanted to get married but couldnt because of religious differences...our families didnt agree...and eventually i tried fault finding with this guy..to help myself get over him...we had issues in the past but very minor ones..not a great cause for worry though...i am still in contact with him...i want it to end...but he still sees some hope...
the problem is ...while i was trying to get over this guy..i got emotionally close to a good friend of mine...and once things were certain that my marriage withmy previous boyfriend was impossible, i and this friend of mine...got very close...
we proposed to each other and we are now in a relationship...but i am still in contact with my ex...my current BF knows all about my Ex( since we are very good friends also)...but lately , am begging to feel tense about everything...because my currents bfs family is not willing for our marriage...this has really made me sad...and these days..we have a lot of misunderstandings..and bicker over small things...maybe we dont really get along well as lovers though we have been very good friends... i dont know what will happen to my realtionship with this guy...

maybe getting out from a past relationship deliberately (without any big reason) has left me jittery...and i prone to getting hurt easily...maybe your case is also similar...maybe we compare our exes with our present partners and have still not been able to accept reality...
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