Not Much

Keep hanging on, thats all I can say. And that i'm thinking of you. As for my parents have begun to suspect somethings wrong with me, they're sending me to a councellor next week. I'll be damned if I say anything about the ed to some starnger though.

Hey maybe this is your oppurtunity to get rid of this.Give the counselling a go.You never know,you may like it.How's your ed going ? Mine ain't so good still but after my exams which start in 5 days,i am going to fully concentrate on getting better and finally getting skinny.I hope that you are well.Let me know how the counselling goes and please,give it your best shot !

I've stopped throwing up as much, but I don't eat much either, so I don't think i'm getting better the right way. Has your councellor helped you? Can they say anything to your family about what you talk about? I just don't want someone to act like i'm crazy or something. And i'm still loosing weight which is a real motivator not to give up, but I do want to be normal. I hope you're exams are ok and that your managing your self well, I really do know what your going through and i'm thinking of you.

Nope they cannot say a single word to your family about what you say to them.It's totally confidential.I think that my counsellor would be helping me if I just let him but I feel really reluctant to let this go.At the moment I am on a massive binge and i'm worried that I won't be able to find somewhere to throw up(i'm not at home).I'm p*ssed at myself because I made it through yesterday hardly eating and I felt great,totally in control.I know what you mean about not eating much because when i'm not binging,i restrict loads.That is so much better than binging.Do you actually binge or just purge ?When are you going to see the counsellor ? How you feeling about it ? I hope you're well ! Write soon xx

My parents now know everything, the stuff has hit the fan. The snooping pair read my diary! How rude is that? Now they're totally treating me like i'm crazy and wont let me do anything. They're acting like incredibly police. They wont let me see my friends, they keep wanting to "chat". They never wanted to chat when they thought I was 'normal', why the hell should they start now?????? Anyway, i've not been eating much at all, since I can't throw up at home anymore. In answer to your question, I don't binge and never have. I just purge after normal meals, I can't stand the thought of the calories of a binge actually being absorbed. I hope everything is going ok, how are your exams? I hope you're coping well, and the best of luck! Talk soon! Xoxo

I cannot believe your parents did that.That is so cruel.I honestly don't know if I could talk to my parents again if they did that.I have suff about everything written in my diary.Scary stuff ! My exams started today.I'm actually really glad because the waiting for them to start was just getting me down !But I have two done and only eight to go ! And then I will be free ! I am going to concentrate so hard on my reovery after these exams.That's enough about me though.How are you holding up ?I know this seems like a caca time right now but why don't you use your parents finding out to your advantage ? When are you going to see the counsellor or have you been yet ? Please don'y stop eating.That is just going to add to your problems.You're lucky that you never binge.It is the most disgusting and yet addictive thing ever.I hate myself when I binge.Anyway i'd better go study cos I got maths and irish tomorrow ! Look after yourself !

I feel so betrayed by my parents, what I wrote in the diary was seriously only for my eyes. Its justa place to vent and it doesn't always mean that much. I feel so violated. Anyway, i've been putting on my 'happy' face, so my parents think all is getting better, but i'll be damned if I speak to them about anything. I told my best friend in aletter yesterday and shes been really sweet about it, I cna't believe I didn't trust her enough to tell her before. Anyway, i've got doctors and shrinks comming out my ears and it is so annoying, I just wanna curl up in bed and sleep. But I guess you know how that feels. I hope you're doing ok on your exams, maybe anytime you feel like a binge you could go watch tv or call a friend, just till the urge passes. Would that help? Or not keep any spare change in your wallet when you go out so your not tempted by vending machines or any place with food. I dunno, binging sounds just as hard to break as the purging part. But i've never binged, it scares me too much. I hope you are keeping well, or as well as you can be. Xoxo

I'm glad you told your friend.It's good to hve someone you can talk to about things.Two of my friends know but we never speak about it.I get so tense and angry when they try to bring it up that they just don't anymore.I'm so glad about that but sometimes I wish I had someone who would just understand y'know.Like give me a hug when I need it but not ask why or assume why.I guess that is asking alot though.So have you been to see the counsellor ? Had you written about everything in your journal ? Have you told your parents how you feel because I have realised that when I keep bad feelings in (which I do all the time)i end up felling crap about myself and it inevitably leads to a binge/purge.My exams didn't go too well yesterday but i'm looking to the future,not the past now.4 down 6 to go ! I'd best go an cram a bit more ! I hope you're ok xxx

I havn't told my parents how I feel, I never do, i'm a very insular person and it takes a hell of alot for me to open up. I've been to one councellor, shes a psychologist and shes working on finding out about where I want to go in life and my goals and i'm also being sent to my doctor for check ups and i'm being sent to a psychiatrist. How much of a nut bag does that make me seem like? I don't know if they're gonna help, i'm still throwing up abit. I still keep a diary, I make sure I include how much I hate my parents and that I think it was way off of them to read my diray, just incase they think of reading it again. But i'm being much more careful, I carry it around in my handbag with me everywhere so there is no chance of them sneeking a look. I know how you feel when you don't wanna talk to your friends or anyone, the reason is for me is that when ever someone starts talking to me about it they act like i'm some mad woman who could explode at any minute. They talk in gentle tones and it just irritates me, "i'm not crazy i'm just a little unwell" (thanks matchbox twenty for that). Anyway, keep strong, keep happy and keep safe xoxo

I'm sure they will help.After all it's their job ! You know the way you say you're not sick as much ? Well are you restricting cos that's almost as bad unfortunately.I know it helps you to feel in control but one thing that I have finally come to terms with is that although we start this for a feeling in control,before we realise it,it's actually the ed that is controlling us.My exams aren't going too well ! But I only have four left so i'm just praying they go ok ! I hope that you are keeping ok and that you're parents are keeping their noses out of your journal !!