I'm 15 from israel and i've been cutting
myself for quite some time now.
My favorite wepon is my kitchen knife and
sometimes when i'm too lassy I just put
some salt or lemon juice on my cuts.
When I just started I used to cut myself
3,4 times a day , but now it's like 3,4
times a week but much deeper. I like
thinking about death and suicide , used to
write a suicide note every night and read
the old ones like a bead time storie and I
have thousands of pictures that I drew and
they're fool of death , bodies or body
parts (seriously tortured and sometimes
cut to peices) . I should be scared of
he "thing" that I become but I don't. My
brain is working over time trying to make
me see how horrible are the things I think
and/or do , and sometimes I find myself
apologayzing for the feelings I have .
It's like ther are two men and I am
standing in the middle. One of them is
trying so hard to show me what is wrong
with me , trying to scare me in to doing
something with myself , understanding how
sick and twisted I am and he is almost
giving up on me and the other one is just
laughing because he knows that ther's
absolutely nothing to do , that it's to
late for me. And i'm just standing there
in the middle , lost , confused , trying
so hard to understand what that first man
is saying but all I can hear is this
horrible laughter. I'm afarid that maybe
I am not sick and that's just the way I
am. Maybe I was just born like this and
there is really nothing anyone can do. I
have no one to talk to and I don't feel
like explaining why , but I do have my
reasons , so I was wondering whether
there's someone (on the web) that I could
talk to that can help me. Just talking
to someone and telling him all this will
be realy nice , so if you know someone or
have heard of a support grope or something
, please tell me.
