I have been trying so hard to beat this.I
went for about two weeks and only binged
2/3 times.I felt healthier and happier.I
actually lost weight and my mind was more
at ease.But then my oarents went away two
weekends in a row and I had the house to
myself so my natural instinct was to binge
and purge.Now i've put on weight and I
feel unhealthy and just generally nasty
and ugly.I finished school today.It was my
last day ever in secondary school.By
rights I should be emotional but instead I
am really tense and snappy because I don't
know when the my next binge will be.I'm
very careful that my parents won't catch
me binging.They know about the bulimia but
I don't want them to hear that.I have
really important exams which start
tomorrow forthnight and I cannot
concentrate long enough to do an ounce of
study.I'm sorry if I seem really moany but
I just needed to write down why I feel so
sh*t.Thank you for reading this.I hope
you're all looking after yourselves.
:cry:
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damsel
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 May 2005 Posts: 69 Location: Melbourne, Australia
I Soooooo Understand Posted: 05-24-05 06:52am
I feel exactly the same! Or more to the
point, felt exactly the same last year
when I had my final exams. It was at a
stage where I was trying to not throw up
and make my self better, but I just
couldn't concentrate I was so nervous and
irritable because I was still having the
urges and was feeling really fat. What
helped me was writing it all down and
making sure I spoke to friends, even if
they didn't know about the bulimia. Just
keeping my self social really helped. I
know final exams seem really important,
but so is your body so do whatever it
takes to make you feel better, even if it
eats into study time. :)
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lilo
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 22 May 2005 Posts: 21 Location: london
Posted: 05-24-05 10:45am
I really don't know what advice to give
you as I know very well what you are going
through. First advice: throw away the
scale as you will not turn into elephant!
No one will. Try to follow the meals that
are set up in the house and make someone
else dish up for you. While eating try to
think: this is normal portion. I will not
have more than this. This is normal
portion. It's enough for for the other
one (parents) so it should be enough for
me as well. If I have more I will feel
really bad. You will be feeling better
and you know it. Try to get out of this
caca now if you can as you are still
young. You don't want to deal with this
10 years later on- as I am dealing with it
now.
Please take care of yourself and try to
focus
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waterbaby3214
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 May 2005 Posts: 31 Location: Michigan
Thank You Posted: 05-25-05 07:08am
Hey thank you so much for your replies and
advice.It's really good to know that there
are others who understand all this sh*t.I
feel so stupid about the whole thing.I
mean you'd think that I would be able to
hold back my craving to binge but it just
overpowers me and takes over my mind until
I actually have to do it to remain
sane.And in the process i'm going
insane.Argh !!
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damsel
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 May 2005 Posts: 69 Location: Melbourne, Australia
You Are Not Stupid! Posted: 05-25-05 08:37am
Please don't feel stupid, other wise i'll
have to feel stupid cos I know where you
are right now, I am so totally in that
place too. You feel like clenching your
fists untill it bleeds because its so
bloody frustrating. I think there must be
hope, it seems like alot of people have
managed to come out of this dark place and
moved on. I guess thats what you've gotta
keep telling your self. To avoid the
urges today I watched tv with my mum, went
to the gym and listened to music. Every
so often I would feel the food in my
stomach and I would go "i can't take this"
but I would log onto this forum and see
all the encouragment and I held on. So
today was the first in a long, long time I
havn't thrown up. Please don't give up or
feel stupid, I think it must just take
time. :)
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waterbaby3214
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 May 2005 Posts: 31 Location: Michigan
Five Beauties Gone Posted: 05-25-05 17:15pm
Well done for not throwing up(how weird
does that sound?!!).That is really great !
I'm in such a messed up place at the
moment.I feel really pessimistic about
life.Everywhere there is so much sadness
and it is just pulling me down.There were
five girls killed in a horrible bus crash
on monday.Two of them were supposed to be
sitting the same exams as I am.I don't
know any of them but our schools arelike
sister schools so the atmosphere has been
really tense and sad.It just makes you
realise how fickile life is.And still we
do this........
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sandyallen
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 02 Feb 2004 Posts: 4580
Posted: 05-25-05 18:07pm
Please, people, get some professional help
before it is too late. This is a very
nasty disease. You do not want a body
that looks and feels 90y/o @ your age with
pain 24/7 with your bones and joints
aching so bad, the esophagus is shot, they
can not walk, their brain cells are burn
out. Your internal organs do not
function well @ all. You will probably
say, that this will not happen to me, I am
smarter then that, well that is what these
other people said too. Don't worry about
finals and whatnot, get your life back.
Today is the first day for the rest of
your life or you can say this to yourself
when you wake up in the morning, but
please, don't put it off any longer.
Sincerely,
sandy
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Moojie Koo
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 31 Mar 2005 Posts: 20 Location: Western Australia
Posted: 05-25-05 19:11pm
You have to tell your parents and get
professional help too. I have been there
and keeping it to yourself makes it heeps
worse. Soon it will take over your whole
life if you don't ask for help. The long
term effects are horrible. Bad teeth,
horrible skin etc. Keep a journal too.
The hardest part is talking about it!.
Good luck, you can do it!!
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waterbaby3214
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 May 2005 Posts: 31 Location: Michigan
An Impossible Dream ? Posted: 05-26-05 06:12am
Hey thank you for your replies.My parents
already know but I odn't say a word to
them about it and the say nothing to me
about it.Other that I have a good
relationship with them.I'vebeen going to
see a counsellor for about 6 months but to
be honest,it isn't working for me.My
studying is going sh*t and I can't stop
eating.When I tell people that I am not
prepared for the exams they won't listen
to me.They tell me that it is all in my
head and that I will be fine.But I know my
self that I don't know even half the stuff
I should and so I really am messed.I want
to be happy but it seems like an
impossible dream.
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damsel
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 May 2005 Posts: 69 Location: Melbourne, Australia
Dare to Dream Posted: 05-26-05 09:00am
You've got alot going on right now, and
perhaps you're not up to scratch on all
the things you need to be. So what? In
the scheme of things how long are those
exam results going to affect your life?
For me its been like 6 months since I got
my results and I can't even remember the
scores. What I do know is that your body
is something that is chariot to take you
through life and you need to focus on that
more than stressing about exams. As I
said in the other post I was in the same
position as you, trying to controll my
throwing up during exams, and generally
not doing much study, but in the end I did
get a pretty good result and I bet you
will too for what its worth. I reckon
theres hope ofr the impossible, its all
thats keeping me going right now!
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waterbaby3214
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 May 2005 Posts: 31 Location: Michigan
Posted: 05-26-05 09:14am
I have to get a certain amount of points
in these exams in order to get into
university.If I don't get the points,i
don't get the course.Simple as that.Thank
you for your advice though.How are you?
Are you recovering ? How sh* is life ?!
|
damsel
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 May 2005 Posts: 69 Location: Melbourne, Australia
I Agree, Life Is caca Posted: 05-26-05 09:23am
Oh I know, life is caca, I had a bad day
today. I didn't throw up but I ate like 2
apples and a coffee all day cos I knew I
couldn't purge. Then I went to meet a guy
and he totally stood me up, and what hurt
most was that hes the only person i've
told about my eating disorder and all the
other caca in my life and I felt so
betrayed cos nearly everyone I have ever
really trusted has left me. Enough about
me, I understand your concern about uni, I
guess cos I wasn't planning on going to
uni straight after school I didn't have
that extra stress. But try and take care
of your self too, its easier said than
done though huh?
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damsel
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 May 2005 Posts: 69 Location: Melbourne, Australia
Life Is Not a Health Question Life Is Sh*t Posted: 05-26-05 09:25am
Ok I didn't know you couldn't swear,
wherever it says health question it means
sh*t. How much of a dope do I sound?
Sorry bout that
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waterbaby3214
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 May 2005 Posts: 31 Location: Michigan
Hehe I Didn't Notice the caca !! Posted: 05-26-05 16:25pm
F*cker ! That's his loss not yours.I;m
about to go out with my friends and I feel
absolutely massive.Words cannot describe
me.I hate going out because we always end
up dancing and I look like an elephant on
stilettos on the dance floor.But it's all
the people from year going out and I don't
want to miss another night out.I cannot
believe that guy stood you up.Are you sure
that something genuine didn't come up ?
I'm sure it did because he's obviously
trustwothy enough for you to tell him
about your ed.I gotta go boogie on down
now.I hope you'd a good day.Talk real soon
xxx :lol:
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sandyallen
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 02 Feb 2004 Posts: 4580
Posted: 05-26-05 18:00pm
Waterbaby, if you do no like you
counselor, get another one.
You guys, don't worry about going out
dancing and college right now, you need to
get your lives on track, don't wait until
you bottom out as sometimes people cannot
pick themselves up again, they end up
being pretty much of a vegetable. People
love you, people care, don't hurt them or
yourself. Get help!
Sincerely,
sandy
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damsel
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 May 2005 Posts: 69 Location: Melbourne, Australia
Hows Progress?? Posted: 05-27-05 07:10am
Hey water baby, how was dancing? I hate
going out with my friends too, its just
painful feeling like i'm bulging out of
all my clothes and look gross. The guy
who stood me up, "apparently" had car
trouble. Hmmm, likely story. But
whatever, its nothing new to me, I should
have seen it comming y'know? Anytime I
trust someone they always f*ck off at some
stage. I must be too high matinence or
something. How are you goign with exams
and studying anyway? How are you going
with your ed? I hope your holding on, I
don't know when its going to feel better
but i'm trying to hold on. It doesn't
work much though, I still purged 2 today,
even though I hardly ate anything. Such
is life. I hope we get through this! :)
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waterbaby3214
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 May 2005 Posts: 31 Location: Michigan
Spectacular Fall !! Posted: 05-27-05 13:15pm
Dancing was funny.This guy bashed into me
and I fell flat on the floor and stabbed
myself with my own heel.I couldn't stop
laughing !My ed is sh*t at the momen.How
bout yours ?I bet that guy really did have
car troubles.And if he didn't it's his
loss.Do you trust him enough to believe
him ?My studying is going really badly.But
i's friday night so i'm just trying to
forget all about it.
Sandyallen,thank you for your advice.I
have promised myself that after the exams
if i'm still not happy with my counsellor
that i'll see about changing.I'm just
going to concentrate on the exams for
now.They are over in less than four weeks
so that ain't too long.It seems like only
yesterday they were 9 months away ! I'm
just dying to get them over and done with
now y'know !
Anyway I hope you're all keeping well.
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damsel
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 May 2005 Posts: 69 Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posted: 05-28-05 04:26am
Oh really? You fell over? Were you
drunk? I remember this one time when I
was out me and some friends got up on the
table and then I fell of like 5 times, so
many bruises, so many memories! I fall
over most of the time actually, i'm such a
clutz. I had a good day today, I hope
you're coping with all the stress thats
going on. Not long till its over! Yay!
So you don't like your counseller? Has it
helped at all? I'm wondering about
therapy, but I just don't have the money
and I am not telling my parents. I wonder
about free support groups...Anywho, I hope
your holding on and not to bruised from
your party antics!
