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Q: Fed Up

asked by: waterbaby3214 on May 24th, 2005

New User

I have been trying so hard to beat this.I went for about two weeks and only binged 2/3 times.I felt healthier and happier.I actually lost weight and my mind was more at ease.But then my oarents went away two weekends in a row and I had the house to myself so my natural instinct was to binge and purge.Now i've put on weight and I feel unhealthy and just generally nasty and ugly.I finished school today.It was my last day ever in secondary school.By rights I should be emotional but instead I am really tense and snappy because I don't know when the my next binge will be.I'm very careful that my parents won't catch me binging.They know about the bulimia but I don't want them to hear that.I have really important exams which start tomorrow forthnight and I cannot concentrate long enough to do an ounce of study.I'm sorry if I seem really moany but I just needed to write down why I feel so sh*t.Thank you for reading this.I hope you're all looking after yourselves. :cry:

Replies(17)

damsel

replied on May 24th, 2005

Experienced User

I Soooooo Understand

I feel exactly the same! Or more to the point, felt exactly the same last year when I had my final exams. It was at a stage where I was trying to not throw up and make my self better, but I just couldn't concentrate I was so nervous and irritable because I was still having the urges and was feeling really fat. What helped me was writing it all down and making sure I spoke to friends, even if they didn't know about the bulimia. Just keeping my self social really helped. I know final exams seem really important, but so is your body so do whatever it takes to make you feel better, even if it eats into study time. :)

lilo

replied on May 24th, 2005

New User

I really don't know what advice to give you as I know very well what you are going through. First advice: throw away the scale as you will not turn into elephant! No one will. Try to follow the meals that are set up in the house and make someone else dish up for you. While eating try to think: this is normal portion. I will not have more than this. This is normal portion. It's enough for for the other one (parents) so it should be enough for me as well. If I have more I will feel really bad. You will be feeling better and you know it. Try to get out of this caca now if you can as you are still young. You don't want to deal with this 10 years later on- as I am dealing with it now.
Please take care of yourself and try to focus

waterbaby3214

replied on May 25th, 2005

New User

Thank You

Hey thank you so much for your replies and advice.It's really good to know that there are others who understand all this sh*t.I feel so stupid about the whole thing.I mean you'd think that I would be able to hold back my craving to binge but it just overpowers me and takes over my mind until I actually have to do it to remain sane.And in the process i'm going insane.Argh !!

damsel

replied on May 25th, 2005

Experienced User

You Are Not Stupid!

Please don't feel stupid, other wise i'll have to feel stupid cos I know where you are right now, I am so totally in that place too. You feel like clenching your fists untill it bleeds because its so bloody frustrating. I think there must be hope, it seems like alot of people have managed to come out of this dark place and moved on. I guess thats what you've gotta keep telling your self. To avoid the urges today I watched tv with my mum, went to the gym and listened to music. Every so often I would feel the food in my stomach and I would go "i can't take this" but I would log onto this forum and see all the encouragment and I held on. So today was the first in a long, long time I havn't thrown up. Please don't give up or feel stupid, I think it must just take time. :)

waterbaby3214

replied on May 25th, 2005

New User

Five Beauties Gone

Well done for not throwing up(how weird does that sound?!!).That is really great ! I'm in such a messed up place at the moment.I feel really pessimistic about life.Everywhere there is so much sadness and it is just pulling me down.There were five girls killed in a horrible bus crash on monday.Two of them were supposed to be sitting the same exams as I am.I don't know any of them but our schools arelike sister schools so the atmosphere has been really tense and sad.It just makes you realise how fickile life is.And still we do this........

sandyallen

replied on May 25th, 2005

Extremely eHealthy

Please, people, get some professional help before it is too late. This is a very nasty disease. You do not want a body that looks and feels 90y/o @ your age with pain 24/7 with your bones and joints aching so bad, the esophagus is shot, they can not walk, their brain cells are burn out. Your internal organs do not function well @ all. You will probably say, that this will not happen to me, I am smarter then that, well that is what these other people said too. Don't worry about finals and whatnot, get your life back. Today is the first day for the rest of your life or you can say this to yourself when you wake up in the morning, but please, don't put it off any longer.
Sincerely,
sandy

Moojie Koo

replied on May 25th, 2005

New User

You have to tell your parents and get professional help too. I have been there and keeping it to yourself makes it heeps worse. Soon it will take over your whole life if you don't ask for help. The long term effects are horrible. Bad teeth, horrible skin etc. Keep a journal too. The hardest part is talking about it!. Good luck, you can do it!!

waterbaby3214

replied on May 26th, 2005

New User

An Impossible Dream ?

Hey thank you for your replies.My parents already know but I odn't say a word to them about it and the say nothing to me about it.Other that I have a good relationship with them.I'vebeen going to see a counsellor for about 6 months but to be honest,it isn't working for me.My studying is going sh*t and I can't stop eating.When I tell people that I am not prepared for the exams they won't listen to me.They tell me that it is all in my head and that I will be fine.But I know my self that I don't know even half the stuff I should and so I really am messed.I want to be happy but it seems like an impossible dream.

damsel

replied on May 26th, 2005

Experienced User

Dare to Dream

You've got alot going on right now, and perhaps you're not up to scratch on all the things you need to be. So what? In the scheme of things how long are those exam results going to affect your life? For me its been like 6 months since I got my results and I can't even remember the scores. What I do know is that your body is something that is chariot to take you through life and you need to focus on that more than stressing about exams. As I said in the other post I was in the same position as you, trying to controll my throwing up during exams, and generally not doing much study, but in the end I did get a pretty good result and I bet you will too for what its worth. I reckon theres hope ofr the impossible, its all thats keeping me going right now!

waterbaby3214

replied on May 26th, 2005

New User

I have to get a certain amount of points in these exams in order to get into university.If I don't get the points,i don't get the course.Simple as that.Thank you for your advice though.How are you? Are you recovering ? How sh* is life ?!

damsel

replied on May 26th, 2005

Experienced User

I Agree, Life Is caca

Oh I know, life is caca, I had a bad day today. I didn't throw up but I ate like 2 apples and a coffee all day cos I knew I couldn't purge. Then I went to meet a guy and he totally stood me up, and what hurt most was that hes the only person i've told about my eating disorder and all the other caca in my life and I felt so betrayed cos nearly everyone I have ever really trusted has left me. Enough about me, I understand your concern about uni, I guess cos I wasn't planning on going to uni straight after school I didn't have that extra stress. But try and take care of your self too, its easier said than done though huh?

damsel

replied on May 26th, 2005

Experienced User

Life Is Not a Health Question Life Is Sh*t

Ok I didn't know you couldn't swear, wherever it says health question it means sh*t. How much of a dope do I sound? Sorry bout that

waterbaby3214

replied on May 26th, 2005

New User

Hehe I Didn't Notice the caca !!

F*cker ! That's his loss not yours.I;m about to go out with my friends and I feel absolutely massive.Words cannot describe me.I hate going out because we always end up dancing and I look like an elephant on stilettos on the dance floor.But it's all the people from year going out and I don't want to miss another night out.I cannot believe that guy stood you up.Are you sure that something genuine didn't come up ? I'm sure it did because he's obviously trustwothy enough for you to tell him about your ed.I gotta go boogie on down now.I hope you'd a good day.Talk real soon xxx :lol:

sandyallen

replied on May 26th, 2005

Extremely eHealthy

Waterbaby, if you do no like you counselor, get another one.

You guys, don't worry about going out dancing and college right now, you need to get your lives on track, don't wait until you bottom out as sometimes people cannot pick themselves up again, they end up being pretty much of a vegetable. People love you, people care, don't hurt them or yourself. Get help!
Sincerely,
sandy

damsel

replied on May 27th, 2005

Experienced User

Hows Progress??

Hey water baby, how was dancing? I hate going out with my friends too, its just painful feeling like i'm bulging out of all my clothes and look gross. The guy who stood me up, "apparently" had car trouble. Hmmm, likely story. But whatever, its nothing new to me, I should have seen it comming y'know? Anytime I trust someone they always f*ck off at some stage. I must be too high matinence or something. How are you goign with exams and studying anyway? How are you going with your ed? I hope your holding on, I don't know when its going to feel better but i'm trying to hold on. It doesn't work much though, I still purged 2 today, even though I hardly ate anything. Such is life. I hope we get through this! :)

waterbaby3214

replied on May 27th, 2005

New User

Spectacular Fall !!

Dancing was funny.This guy bashed into me and I fell flat on the floor and stabbed myself with my own heel.I couldn't stop laughing !My ed is sh*t at the momen.How bout yours ?I bet that guy really did have car troubles.And if he didn't it's his loss.Do you trust him enough to believe him ?My studying is going really badly.But i's friday night so i'm just trying to forget all about it.
Sandyallen,thank you for your advice.I have promised myself that after the exams if i'm still not happy with my counsellor that i'll see about changing.I'm just going to concentrate on the exams for now.They are over in less than four weeks so that ain't too long.It seems like only yesterday they were 9 months away ! I'm just dying to get them over and done with now y'know !
Anyway I hope you're all keeping well.

damsel

replied on May 28th, 2005

Experienced User

Oh really? You fell over? Were you drunk? I remember this one time when I was out me and some friends got up on the table and then I fell of like 5 times, so many bruises, so many memories! I fall over most of the time actually, i'm such a clutz. I had a good day today, I hope you're coping with all the stress thats going on. Not long till its over! Yay! So you don't like your counseller? Has it helped at all? I'm wondering about therapy, but I just don't have the money and I am not telling my parents. I wonder about free support groups...Anywho, I hope your holding on and not to bruised from your party antics!

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