Well tonight my mam found boxes of empty tablets in my bag, I thought I could hide it but I was wrong. I have been taking overdoses over the past few weeks and now my parents know. I'm so pissed off because my therapist told me that if I take anymore tablets I have to go to the hostipal and I really really do not want to go to the hostipal, no way.
So tomorrow I have to tell my therapist what i've been doing and i'm so afraid that she'll send me straight away, I really wish this was not happening, I can't keep going on like this because its confusing me and preventing me from getting anywhere in my recovery even though I don't know if I want to recover from my eating disorder.
I don't want to go through this again, these stupid tablet situations are so messy and something always gets messed up or I end up in limbo waiting to go to the hostipal or back into therapy. This is getting ridiculous.
How can I sleep tonight when I know that tomorrow could turn out so badly, I hate that I have to wait so long before anything happens, I wish I could just tell my therapist now and get it over with.
I hate myself right now because I am letting everyone down. I promised my therapist that I wouldn't take anymore tablets and now that I have she'll be so disappointed in me, how could I be so selfish and after all she's done for me, after all everyone has done for me.
Maybe I was not meant to recover from this, perhaps I was meant to go through this for a reason and never end up recovering, whatever i'm meant to be doing its not much fun right now.
I should be in school studying for my final year, this year would of been my last and then I would have been free from school but if I had the chose I would pick school anyday over this.
Well I better go, I am going to smoke my brains out and try to go to sleep at sometime tonight. I hope you are all well and taking care of yourselves. I hope to write soon!

Jenny