Medical Questions > Relationships > Troubled and Abusive Relationships Forum

While Im Sleeping (Page 3)


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February 21st, 2010
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Okay, first off, all men "sleep-hump". This is normal. They are asleep when they are doing it and don't realize that they are doing it. There is a difference between the unconscious sleep-humping and a very conscious decision to finger or try and have sex with their girl if she is asleep. My husband has often sleep-humped me, which is where they hump the air, hump your back (ouch lol), hump the bed, whatever, etc. He has NEVER tried to have sex with me if I am asleep, never fingered me while I was asleep, nothing like that. And during his sleep-humping he never tried to do that either.

Now if it is sleep-humping that he is doing and you don't like it, there is not much you can do to fix that problem, short of waking him up, he is unconscious and doesn't even realize he is doing it. You could roll away from him, or roll him away from you, if bed size is no problem.

If he is pretending to be asleep and violating you without your consent, then there is a problem. This is not normal behavior and is NOT acceptable. You don't like that behavior, give him a final warning. Then leave if he does it again. Communication on what is and is not acceptable behavior is key. He may think you don't mind it, so warn him that you don't like it and if it happens again, you will leave. If he cannot respect your body, do you really think he will respect anything else?
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replied February 21st, 2010
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This depends on how you feel about sex...Years ago when my husband worked shifts, I would be in bed sleeping when he came home...Maybe it would be 1 in the morning before he got to bed...I would wake up moaning....He would be between my legs giving me oral sex...I have never chased him away when he did this and it always led to full sexual intercourse...Thinking back on life, I believe these were part of the things that made us closer...We hungered for each other....And I smile as I write this...For those were the days of wine and roses....Take care...

Caroline

I am adding this to my post about 5 minutes later...With my husband and I we talk about hot married sexual love....You are talking about a boyfriend...This is different...What his sexual cravings are I don't know...However, if I was not married and living with a somewhat casual boyfriend and he invaded me during the night against my will and when I didn't know what he was doing, it would cause me alarm...I don't know why, but I would feel that he should be satisfied with me with what I was giving him, without preying on me when I am sleeping...These are just my thoughts...
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replied March 9th, 2010
i love it
my bf has sex with me in my sleep, he noramlly waits till im a sleep pulls down my knickers spreads my legs wide and touches me all over for w while then has sex with me hard till he comes, i noramlly wake up when he gets a bit harder but its such a turn on.. sometimes i pretend to be asleep, wheich turns me on even more.
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replied March 9th, 2010
It's Your Body
It really depends on what you are comfortable with. Obviously, some of the people who posted are fine with it. Are you? You are in control of your own body. You get to decide how you are touched. I suggest wearing pajama pants to bed, so that he can not "accidentally" touch you. However, erections at night are normal and involuntary. But pulling someones pants down, or sliding bodyparts and hands under securely fitting clothing is not. Talk to him about what you are comfortable with.
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replied February 11th, 2012
sexually assault while sleeping by husband
My husband did this to me while sleeping I tried talking to him he said that was love and I was his wife which made it ok but he wouldn't do it again then turned around a month later while I was on my medication asleep and did it again now I'm scared to sleep at night so I'm filing for a divorce. I can't live like this I feel like he dont respect me or love me it has caused me to become depressed and angry and anxiety bad am I doing the right thing I dont think I can trust or love him after this! Please reply bainbridge GA mommyof three girls
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replied March 9th, 2010
It's Your Body
It really depends on what you are comfortable with. Obviously, some of the people who posted are fine with it. Are you? You are in control of your own body. You get to decide how you are touched. I suggest wearing pajama pants to bed, so that he can not "accidentally" touch you. However, erections at night are normal and involuntary. But pulling someones pants down, or sliding bodyparts and hands under securely fitting clothing is not. Talk to him about what you are comfortable with.
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replied July 26th, 2010
Just experienced this...I don't like it
This just happened to me...I woke up and my husband was having full-fledged sex with me. It caught me by surprise and I tried to move but he pinned me down and kept going until he was finished. He was touching me in ways I don't normally like to be touched intimate or otherwise and I didn't have any choice but to take it.

His attitude was like "it's just sex" until he realized how much it upset me. Here it was two in the morning and I was wide awake and freaked out. I had went to bed top/bottom pajamas underwear and awoke to my pants completely off and him inside me.

We had been having sex regularly already to the point I was sore and told him I wanted a break and I was tired. Sometimes I don't have the desire at all. I was awake once and had told him I didn't want to have sex but he did anyway...he just held my arms down to keep me from pushing him away. He's much stronger than I am...I can't do much Sad. I'd been raped before when I was younger...albeit I never told him but I had to tell him after all this. I care about him but I hate that feeling. I can't take it like that. He said he'll never do it again but I'm concerned now. I don't want to awaken that way ever again.
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replied December 27th, 2010
raped while asleep,and im only 12
my friend did that too me too, i was over his house and i fell asleep watching TV in his room and i woke up with him pulling down my pants he whipped "it" out and raped me i kept pretending i was asleep because i was in shock and embarressed that he did it to me, after that i wanted to forget it ever happened,to make sure it didnt happen again i put a note on myself to him that said "dont touch me" but he did anyway and i was sickened and in shock and i moved a little.....he tucked it back in and pulled my pants up, he was raping me in my sleep.....and i asked what happened and he said "nothing, you fell asleep so i left the room and played video games, i just got back now" and i said to myself dont ever let this happen again, but then it did and his brother was in the room and i heard him say to his brother "hey, josh, is she asleep yet?" and he would say "yes" and he would be like molesting me,and i heard his brother say..."does she know your doing this?" and he said" no josh, shes asleep,she wont rememebr a thing!" and i remember he took pictures of my privites......and i was so embarressed.....and scared, i didnt say anything and im like, so ashamed of myself now, and im only 12, and i cant believe i let this happen to me,i shood have talked to an adult that he raped me.....i should have said no, and had more confidence, my worse fear is right now, that if i have a STD or if i am prego!
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replied May 30th, 2011
hey... your post really touched me... r u ok now?? i know its been a year or so but how r u? Get in touch with me if u will..
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replied March 20th, 2011
I get frustrated because I want more.
If it bothers you - that means you feel it's wrong. Then that makes it uncomfortable and not right. You have to talk to him about it. Try to record it or something if he doesn't believe you.

My husband does this to me though and it only ends up turning me on. I don't feel violated at all. I do get frustrated though because the moment I wake up and realize he's humping me, I start to get wet and I want to go all the way - and then he stops and goes back to sleep. This has happened several times in a night. Each time I'd wake up frustrated because I want more but he's really asleep!

So - think about it long and hard. If you trust your man, the way I trust mine, and know that he won't ever think of violating you or hurting you in any way - if he says he's asleep, he could be. Although, when I asked him the next day - he was shocked but he sheepishly admitted to it that he kind of knew and was partly conscious about it. He was probably thinking about having sex with me while he was asleep so he sort of dreamed he was doing the humping, but didn't know he actually did it. LOL.
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replied May 26th, 2011
non consensual sex while sleeping
My BF of 5 mos. runs his hands all over me when I'm trying to sleep - he knows I have trouble sleeping, I've asked him not to touch me because it wakes me then I can't fall back asleep, and he gets all pouty and makes me feel guilty. And he's 50! I get so pissed.

He says "it's in his sleep and it's not like he's sticking it in me or anything" - but he is putting his hands in every intimate spot of my body, so what's the difference? Hello? My eyes are closed, I'm turned away from you, I DON'T want sex right now!

I feel very disrespected. Re: timing for sex, I've told him I'll feel better after a good night's sleep, let's reconnect in the morning, but that's not what he wants.

Maybe I'm just not that attracted to him. With my ex-BF I couldn't get enough, I would have done it 24x7, and we were together 5+ yrs. WIth this guy, he has many fine qualities but doesn't turn me on until after much foreplay, when I'm awake and in the mood.

Sleep is too important to me. We're talking marriage, but this has made me rethink it. It's borderline rape when you've asked someone not to do it and he continues to try to have sex with you on an ongoing basis.
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replied December 5th, 2011
I do this quite often with my wife .. when i analyse it ... it usually happens when i am not satisfy sexually .. i started masturbating in d day to stop this .. but it create another problem .. if my wife wants to do something then i can get it hard ..we have to wait for the next day when i don't masturbate in the day
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replied December 6th, 2011
bunnyts wrote:
I do this quite often with my wife .. when i analyse it ... it usually happens when i am not satisfy sexually .. i started masturbating in d day to stop this .. but it create another problem .. if my wife wants to do something then i can get it hard ..we have to wait for the next day when i don't masturbate in the day
so would you masterbate then release yourself on her face,hair etc while she's asleep? ?
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replied December 6th, 2011
bunnyts wrote:
I do this quite often with my wife .. when i analyse it ... it usually happens when i am not satisfy sexually .. i started masturbating in d day to stop this .. but it create another problem .. if my wife wants to do something then i can get it hard ..we have to wait for the next day when i don't masturbate in the day
so would you masterbate then release yourself on her face,hair etc while she's asleep? ?
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replied December 6th, 2011
Experienced User
LOL this post cracked me up... My fiance touches me in my sleep all the time.. sometimes I get irriatated if I have to be up in a couple hrs for work but my thing is if you are comfortable enough to share a bed with your significant other its kind of weird to expect them to not touch you... there are many times I have woken up and performed oral sex on him or taken it even further and he has no issue... we are both comfortable with it... we love one another and we both enjoy sex alot so its not an issue... however for those of you that do take issue with this expecially those crying rape I think you need to figure out where your issue stems from and address the situation accordingly... whatever that means... finding a new partner... a new place to sleep... having a converstaion etc.
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replied December 20th, 2011
My ex and I slept at polar opposite times. I would go to be around midnight. And he would sleep 5-6 AM. He would would spread my legs and begin grinding with his pants on until he came. Then rolled over to sleep. Sometimes I woke up and found him on top of me grinding. Other times I didn't notice. All I know is, he would ask in the morning, "do you remember what happened last night?" And I would be confused and reply, "no...?" His next words were, "You need to be more careful." And that's how I found out. =\ I wasn't okay with it, but he still would do these things to me at night. He countered with saying things along the lines of, "You unconsciously move with me and enjoyed it. No reason to stop."

We're over now...

My current bf a few weeks ago began groping me and grinding me while i slept sideways. I woke up and turned my head around to find him fast asleep. I nudged him to wake him up. And He was all, "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to." And then gave me a big hug. He was very sweet about it Smile

Sometimes when guys are asleep, they don't know. I don't think you need to worry about it. Unless you feel like he knowingly does it - then you can try not to sleep together if you're so uncomfortable.
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replied February 8th, 2012
I do that sometimes its only because i want to feel a little intimacy in bed if she isnt into it. i dont go full on down the pants, but i feel her breasts hoping that she will be turned on by it.
its harmless, he probably just feels horney at the wrong times
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replied June 8th, 2012
I googled this topic because my soon-to-be-ex-husband did similar things to me. We had a bad relationship. I believe that he wasn't purposely trying to abuse me and this is simply how he thinks men are supposed to treat women....that's a pretty sad excuse.

So the details...he works a crazy retail schedule and typically didn't get home from work until I was asleep. I assume he has physically cheated with both women and men. He would he watch porn, masterbate, and touch me, and physically have intercourse with me while I slept - I sleep on my stomach. On the few occasions I woke up, I would kick/bite/punch him. He would pin me down and finish - stating that I talk in my sleep and begged him to rape me because it turns me on....then joke about it the next day. There were other occasions where I woke up and pretended to be asleep or never woke up but knew it had happened due to the obvious evidence in the morning.

I read a few of the threads....and here is what I have to say....

ANY man that thinks it is ok to touch, grind against, masterbate pm. or physically have intercourse with his sleeping partner is asleep is a pig! This is sexual assault regardless of how good or bad your relationship is. If this happens to you, dial 911. The man who exercises this type of activity is in need of therapy and his behavior will only escalate to worse things in the future.

I do not intend to come off as a scorned woman here, but I know there are others out there that are too beaten down emotionally to stand up for themselves.
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replied June 29th, 2012
I think its important to be clear here: there are two very different things that are being talked about.

One of them is your partner pressing an erection on you while sleeping. There isn't anything that can be done about that. He isn't even aware of it. If you don't want to risk that happening, then you probably shouldn't be sharing a bed with someone who has a penis. Even moving back and forth is something he is going to do while asleep. Just the presence of an erection is not a clear sign that he is trying to have sex, or even dreaming about it.

The other issue is a little bigger. Obviously anything he decides to while awake, or "half awake," needs to be talked about and consensual.

As a personal aside, if someone I love was able to get pleasure from me while I was sleeping, I think it would be great. As long as we talked openly about it.
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replied November 7th, 2012
My boyfriend did this to me last night.. Touching, grabbing, rubbing me "down there" and it pissed me off. We got in a huge fight and he left for work. I'm thinking of sleeping on the couch from now on. I am NOT cool with getting felt up in my sleep.
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replied October 29th, 2013
its weird that alot of you think this ok. I don't think its ok. My boyfriend started doing this to me, and we do have sex. He'll do it the next morning, i try to move every way possible to make him stop and he just finds a new place to touch me.
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replied March 8th, 2014
This used to happen to me with my first husband, and it was annoying. I feel your pain.
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