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Hope Is a Thing With Wings

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Yesterday I turned 18, I am now an adult yet still I feel no different. I don't ever know if I was a child, I never seemed to have the mind of a child and so I will grow up and continue to do so, in an adult world with a childs soul. Yesterday I knew that people would be watching me because I take tablets so easily but they didn't look close enough because yesterday morning I took a packet of tablets.
On saturday I was fired from work because I go to therapy everyday and the times didn't work out, I was so upset yet again I didn't feel anything, I just wanted to take tablets and so today I cancelled my appointment with my therapist and tomorrow she is going away for a week. Last time she went away I took an overdose and I wonder what will happen this time.
I really am lost and so confused, I don't want to recover, I don't know how to and yet I still go to therapy, I still enjoy seeing the people there becaused I have made such great friends and when I take tablets I remember them and I feel so bad for what I am doing but I just can't stop.
Hope is a thing with wings, I think my hope has flown away, I wonder will it ever come back.
Sometimes I don't know what I want, I think I just want to be hurt, I want someone to hate me as much as I hate myself just as proof that I really am as bad as I think. I have written poems and I have written letters and I have said so much within those writtings and still no one seems to read what I have to say, no one seems to see the girl, lost behind the words.
How can I tell them I want to give up and I want to die, I sit there listening to people, wanting so badly to help them but they never seem to realise that I too am in pain, everyday but I put on a mask,a good, clever mask and now I don't know how to take it off.
Yesterday being my 18 I wanted to start with not eating and although I never eat during the day I ate last night and I felt like !**@! , of course I throw up but its only when I get weak that I feel I have achieved something. Today the same thing happened and again I felt like !**@!. Binging purging starving it isn't enough anymore, I want to know that I am hurting myself because I don't deserve to be happy I don't deserve to be loved.
Does hope exist? I wonder sometimes about that, I wonder does hope really exist for me, I know other people have hope and can have hope but I just don't believe I will ever recover, I don't know if I ever want to recover.
Well thats all from me today, i'm just in a crap mood and because I haven't gone to therapy today I feel a bit lonely. Well I hope you are all doing well and taking care of yourselves. Talk soon

jenny
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replied May 9th, 2005
Experienced User
Gotta keep fighting. E.D and depression is an opression on your body, soul and mind, you gotta fight it off, it would be to easy to shrug it off with o.D's on pills. Its not good...

Think of the long term affects, i've got a friend who o.D and she's stopped...But she can't have children.

Don't do anything silly ok, check your pm's aswell ^^

you are cared for, jsut remember that. It will be a sadder day if you don't grace these forums ^^

take it easy.
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