Hope Is a Thing With Wings Posted: 05-09-05 12:38pm
Yesterday I turned 18, I am now an adult
yet still I feel no different. I don't
ever know if I was a child, I never seemed
to have the mind of a child and so I will
grow up and continue to do so, in an adult
world with a childs soul. Yesterday I
knew that people would be watching me
because I take tablets so easily but they
didn't look close enough because yesterday
morning I took a packet of tablets.
On saturday I was fired from work because
I go to therapy everyday and the times
didn't work out, I was so upset yet again
I didn't feel anything, I just wanted to
take tablets and so today I cancelled my
appointment with my therapist and tomorrow
she is going away for a week. Last time
she went away I took an overdose and I
wonder what will happen this time.
I really am lost and so confused, I don't
want to recover, I don't know how to and
yet I still go to therapy, I still enjoy
seeing the people there becaused I have
made such great friends and when I take
tablets I remember them and I feel so bad
for what I am doing but I just can't stop.
Hope is a thing with wings, I think my
hope has flown away, I wonder will it ever
come back.
Sometimes I don't know what I want, I
think I just want to be hurt, I want
someone to hate me as much as I hate
myself just as proof that I really am as
bad as I think. I have written poems and
I have written letters and I have said so
much within those writtings and still no
one seems to read what I have to say, no
one seems to see the girl, lost behind the
words.
How can I tell them I want to give up and
I want to die, I sit there listening to
people, wanting so badly to help them but
they never seem to realise that I too am
in pain, everyday but I put on a mask,a
good, clever mask and now I don't know how
to take it off.
Yesterday being my 18 I wanted to start
with not eating and although I never eat
during the day I ate last night and I felt
like caca , of course I throw up but its
only when I get weak that I feel I have
achieved something. Today the same thing
happened and again I felt like caca.
Binging purging starving it isn't enough
anymore, I want to know that I am hurting
myself because I don't deserve to be happy
I don't deserve to be loved.
Does hope exist? I wonder sometimes about
that, I wonder does hope really exist for
me, I know other people have hope and can
have hope but I just don't believe I will
ever recover, I don't know if I ever want
to recover.
Well thats all from me today, i'm just in
a crap mood and because I haven't gone to
therapy today I feel a bit lonely. Well I
hope you are all doing well and taking
care of yourselves. Talk soon
jenny
|
deathx
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 06 Aug 2004 Posts: 118
Posted: 05-09-05 17:20pm
Gotta keep fighting. E.D and depression
is an opression on your body, soul and
mind, you gotta fight it off, it would be
to easy to shrug it off with o.D's on
pills. Its not good...
Think of the long term affects, i've got a
friend who o.D and she's stopped...But she
can't have children.
Don't do anything silly ok, check your
pm's aswell ^^
you are cared for, jsut remember that. It
will be a sadder day if you don't grace
these forums ^^
