My name is marissa.
I am newly married and have two small children, one of which is disabled.
I am battleing a major medical malpractice lawsuit on behalf of my 7 1/2 month old son. I am only 20 years old, and while the world goes on around me, I sit here alone, and afraid to walk out my front door. I love my babies more than life itself, but often I feel that they deserve a better mother. A mother who does not keep them shut in the house all day. A mother who does not cry about everything. A mother who can handle life.
I scare myself with my thoughts of death. I don't want to die, but every once in a while, the thought crosses my mind. I wasn't always like this. I used to be beautiful, popular, a real "people person." I fell crazy in love with my oldest sons father. I left my home, family, my life, and I moved away with him. Soon I found myself alone. I guess, in a weird way, I may have gotten pregnant on purpose. I guess I thought that when he was off cheating on me, I would always have someone there to love me and want my love in return. Eventually, both he and I turned to drugs. At the time drugs made the pain disapear. Along with the drugs came the abuse. Day after day the both of us took our rage out on each other. I found out that I was pregnant, and quit it all, cold turkey! Soon after, my boyfriend went to prison. I never heard from him again. When my son was about 5 months old, I moved in with a guy that has proven to be my perfect match. We got married and I got pregnant. We were ecstatic. Finally, we had a family. March 8 2003, my second child was born. His birth has really traumatized me. Because of that, I will never have another child.
On top of that, he is profoundly deaf. It hurts, my baby can't even hear a bird sing. He also has severe seizures due to cranial synostosis. ( that is where the bones of the skull are prematurely fused together, putting pressure on his brain. He has no soft spot. That is part of what made his delivery so hard.) he is also disabled in other ways.Now my days are filled with therapy for my baby via home visits, out of town visits to the children's hospital, and numerous other appt's concerning my son. I have yet to finish school. I guess what I am asking is, " will it get better?" "will the pain go away?""will I be able to look back on this and say that it was not so bad?"