Up until he told you about this, it was cheating. Perhaps not to the full extent of the word.. But still a form of cheating. I personally define cheating as fulfilling one's desires, be it emotional or physical, from another person without the knowledge of your spouse of partner.

In either case, if you don't like giving oral sex that's fine. Everyone has preferences and enjoys different things. How do you feel about providing him with hand stimulation like as the rub'n'tug massage parlours?

Have you discussed this with him, or asked him what you can do to fulfill his needs a little better? Also don't be afraid to express to him if there is something he is not providing for you that you need, be it emotional or physical.

What is wrong with his own hand that he can't masturbate?

Going to a massage parlour is giving him a thrill beyond simply an orgasm, and I think this is something you might want to think about, and ask him about.

Is it cheating? Perhaps not technically. But he is getting sexual satisfaction from someone else. Is he thinking about you, his darling wife, while he is being jerked off by a prostitute? Probably not.

The other question is whether you believe he is only getting manual relief. Do you really think he isn't getting oral sex? Would it bother you more if he was?

Thanks for yr replies.

I asked him whether he gets oral sex when he goes to these places, and he said that he's been to 3 all in all, on abt 8-9 trips. He said that he's received oral sex once and never after that.

Also I asked him whether he thought of me, and he said sometimes, but not always. His explanation startled me: he said that he knows he will always stay faithful to me (leaving aside the massages etc) and that a guy always gets attracted to his wife's friends, and so instead of having an affair with a friend of mine, he would rather prefer to just have a fantasy about them when he is masturbating or getting off in whatever way. He said he has never thought this way when he has been with me though.

He sais abt the massage/hand relief/bj's, that it only happens when he is away on a trip and enjoys a hand like mine on him, instead of doing it himself.

You have to respect the man's honesty. I do like that he is being upfront with everything.. Even if his morals are not what society deems as proper, he is explaining his emotions, his feelings, and why he does what he does, and all in the context of the relationship.

Wow. I can't believe that you are still with him. What he is doing/ has done is cheating and it is being unfaithful to you. Yeah, he is telling you this which could be considered honest, or it could be partial honestly. When you first asked him if he got oral at this "parlor" he said no. Then the next time he said yes. He thinks it is normal for a husband to be attracted to his wife's friends? Instead of hiaving an affair with them he will have sexual activity with a massage hooker? And yes, she takes money for sexual activity she is a prostitute. And, you can get std's from oral sex also, so he is bringing that all home to you.
Maybe my morals, beliefs and what I demand is different than other people's, but I personally would kick him to the curb. Once a cheater always a cheater. If he can get hand jobs and blow jobs from a prostitute than if he already hasn't sexual intercourse will be next.
Think about yourself. Can you really respect yourself if you stay with a man who says this is all normal? Do you really think that little of yourself? You deserve a real man! One who is faithful to you and if he is away and gets a desire, he uses his hand, not a prostitutes or her mouth.
This is not normal and it wont stop there, even if it did it is still unacceptable. I hope you don't have kids because I would hate to have had my father hold no morals or values. And if you do stay with him, please don't have children. It will make it harder for you and the kids when he does go all the way, and bring home diseases to you.
Please, just dig deep inside of you and find your self and your confidence and realize you don't deserve scum!

Hmmm-sounds like cheating in my book,but if your man subscribes to the bill clinton school of fidelity,he honestly does not think he has done anything wrong.Some people do not feel that anything less than full penetration is actual cheating.He may have done more than get a hand job and is just feeling you out.I have a very good friend who is a massage therapist (legitimate) and she has had offers to go further than massage,but throws such people out.My guess is that if they are willing to give someone a hand job,they will do more for the right price.My advice would be to get a full std screening and have a very serious talk with your hubby about what is acceptable in your marriage.Best of luck to you.
Patty

So how long is he away? Why can't he just wait til he gets back home to you. I mean- it isn't like he will die without it.
What would he think if you did a little something, had a man give your oral sex while he was away on his trips? Would he like that?

Very good point! But, my guess he will say, "it's different for the woman", cause that is always their excuse! They do it because they are men and it is "normal", and a woman shouldn't because it isn't right. Whatever! (by them and they, I mean male cheaters, not men in general!)

As a guy who loves oral and handjobs... I wouldn't dream of ever doing it with anyone else other than my wife. It's cheating plain and simple.

Nice to get a guy's point of view on this.

Sorry to say this and this might just start off a big one but to me most guys 95% do it and at least he is telling you what is going on. Not that they do it all the time but at least once. I do not believe in once a cheater always a cheater.
And ladies come on let's be real we have all had our fantasies even though we are more hesitant to act on it. The guy is not going on dates and is not trying to get to know these women, he seems like he could care less. So at least give him the benefit of the doubt that he is being honest. I personally do not know any guy that honest. Tell him if it really bothers you and ask him not to do it. I think he will just stop.

Everybody has said enough about your hubby cheating.
Just know that if your husband waits to get out of town before he feels like a hand job, then you might want to re-think where your marriage stand son the scales.

Have a one on one discussion before you think of getting mad and probably opting out (if ever you were considering it) sometimes, if you cant compromise with your spouse especially on finding middle ground between your different sexual interests and beliefs, then your spouse is bound to look for it elsewhere.

Much as he may say there are no emotional ties, most extra-marital affairs start with sex.

If you are denying him, his fantasy, and not bothering to find a compromise, he will find it elsewhere-be sure of that!

Have a discussion on your sexual life, the ups and downs of it. Everybody does go thorugh this in life. Talking about it, helps you find problems snd possible answers.

Dont just walk out/ or throw him out- you may be the cause of his extra-marital oursuits!

Good luck

why do you hate it anyway? I mean I used to hate giving my husband oral sex during our first years but you know I later on liked it because I can see that he's satisfied. :wink:

i agree with what others said that it is cheating. Well atleast he's honest. You and your hubby should talk about how he feels and how you feel about the situation. Acknowledge his honesty but give him a warning! :!:

good luck to your relationship.

Love and marriage is more than sex people. It is about honor and respect, and if it is true that 95 % of men do cheat on their wives at least once (which I do not believe that stats are that high) it is because of the women who let them. Too many people make excuses for them and just accept it and that is why they do it.
And as far as you not liking to give oral, I am sure he knew that before you got married and if it was that big of a deal wouldn't have married you.
It is not your fault that he is "getting it elsewhere" that was a very rude and incorrect comment. You don't have to fulfill fantasies that you don't agree with. If we all followed that rule then every couple would have threesomes, orgies, anal sex, s&m and everything else that was never included in a real loving relationship.
I am not telling to leave him, and I am so sorry that all of us girls posts don't matter to you, because we aren't men. Sorry that we believe you deserve love and respect, not someone who cheats on you.
Regardless of whether or not he loves the person he is cheating on you with or takes her on dates it is still cheating!
It is not wonder why marriages don't last anymore and there is so much promiscuity. People consider all of this craziness to me normal, and it is not.
Sure, it is only human (married or not) to notice an attractive member of the opposite sex, or the same sex depending on sexuality, but it is not "human" or "normal" or "acceptable" or "your fault for not fulfilling fantasies" if they desire someone else.
In my opinion, if you want to be with someone else sexually then you obviously do not love your partner. You may care for them on some level, or be comfortable having them around, but you do not love them if you cheat! And if you allow yourself to stay with someone who does cheat on you then you do not have enough respect for yourself and will never be truly happy.

Hotsafrick just so you know, I was not being judegemntal about a situation.
I raised a sitution for consideration.
I said that she could be the cause, which means she might not. And yes marriage is not just about sex but its important in a marriage of two loving people.

If you do not like something, it doesnt mean that you should do it for the sake of it or satisfying your spouse. It means that you should be able to have a discussions about your dislike of oral sex and get your partner to understand why you feel uncomfortable. Is it your religious belief, background, culture, hygiene or status in marriage.

How do you feel when you orally satisfy your partner. Do you feel dirty or do you feel degraded.
Next you should be able to discuss other loving ways that you can comfortably satisfy your partner.

Ignoring something a man likes or woman likes in a marriage just because you do not like it, often leads to extra-marital pursuits. If you cant offer interest, some many and many of them, will try to find it elsewhere even if they respect you and the marriage, as long as you never find out. For some its an urge that has to be satisfied somehow.

The fact that your spouse is telling you, doesnt mean that he only respects you, it means he could be silently wishing and communicating that he wishes the woman he loves is the one that could satisfy his urge, give him a handjob etc.
If you do not feel keen, by talking to him, you find more simpler ways to do it, that satifies both of you and may lessen the trps he makes to these massage parlours.

Do you realise that some men withold climaxing faster, just because they would like to climax together with their wives who often take longer to get aroused. Men are more atuned to "having sex" and not "making love" but when they are with a woman they love, they will compromise, find middle ground and wait to satisfy you first or get you ready to climax with them.
Thats middle ground!

Listen - all credit to the guy for telling you and all - but since he is obviously not able to control himself are some of you trying to say that when he is lying there with a raging hard on with some (most likely sexy woman) giving him pleasure - he won't go all the way and bring home a nice disease or something. Get real people. It is not acceptable - simple as that.

Forgive him if you must - but make sure that this is the end of the line and it never happens again. Then try to sort out your relationship.

P.S. My wife hates oral too.... And it is one of the most enjoyable things I know. But does that give me an excuse to go find it elsewhere. I think not!

I have been married 3 times. I divorced the other 2 women for cheating.

Cheating is the unforgiveable sin, in my world. I provide sexual satisfaction as often as is necessary for my wife to be happy and do not expect her to "give it up", if she is tired or just doesnt want to that day.

I really feel like you need to demand that this behavior stops, and if it is impossible for this person to stop allowing someone into your marriage, you either need to leave or quietly accept.

Personally I would leave and never look back. Regardless of the style of sex he is participating in, "hand job, blow job, or full on sex", he is cheating and bringing someone into your sacred place and so he may as well have sex with someone else in your bedroom with you there, there is little difference and you deserve much more then that and I am sure there are many people out there that would love to have a dedicated person like you to love them.

Dear, I wasn't trying to insinuate that you were being judgemental, so I apologize if that is what it seemed.
We do not agree in this matter at all, and that is fine also. It is not ok for a man or a woman to "find it elsewhere" because their spouse doesn't like to give oral. If they refuse to have sex at all just because (if it isn't a health issue, etc.) then I can see how that would lead to problems after a while, but if they are giving pleasure in some way shape or form there is no reason for their spouse to find it elsewhere. Of course, these are my views which differ greatly from yours. People feel differently about different things, and that is what makes us all unique.
I would never marry a person who was so petty that if I didn't give him oral sex (or anal, threesome, orgy etc.) he would go and cheat on me and find it acceptable. Such people get no respect from me whatsoever and in my opinion are very undeserving of a loving partner. But, once again that is my opinion.
All of the theories that it is "normal" for a man(or woman) to cheat, that it is their animal instinct to make babies, etc. All to me are very silly. It seems that so many people are out to stick up for those who cheat instead of striving to make this world a better and more loving place. People who cheat do it because they have issues, not because their partner isn't doing anything and everything they want in the bedroom.

It's great that your husband was decent enough to tell you the truth, but receiving sexual pleasures from anybody other than you is cheating in every sense of the word. I'd ask him what he'd think of you if you had another guy please you when he wasn't available or in town. Odds are he'd be furious if you had done what he did.

A lot of women let stuff like this go too often because for years society has told us to believe "well, that's just the kind of thing guys do. They're just wired that way. They're unable to help themselves!" maybe men are wired that way, but that doesn't give them a valid excuse to act on their impulses. Especially if they're involved in a committed relationship. Committed relationships require mutual respect and compassion, and cheating (whether it be physical or emotional) shows total lack of respect for you and for himself. You deserve so much better.

Nicole