:? I know it must seem like you are fighting all the time --- your ed voice says one thing, your healthy voice syas another, and no matter what you do (eat or starve) you feel guilty. I have been in the same situation --- I ahve been h ospitalized 2x for anorexia in the past, I was even on a feeding tube for awhile --- and I hated gaining weight.
But hang in there. It does get better and easier. It's been 8 years since the hospital, and although I still have days where I struggle with eating or want to skip meals, I usually know what the right thing is to do --- and that's fight the eating disorder. It is a deadly disease that wants to kill you. Don't give in to its messages. Yes, you feel fat & ugly now because you are not used to eating, but you are actually coming back to life. Life will improve.
You only get one chance in this world (as far as we know) so why spend your time destroying yourself? Why kill yourself early?
As you eat better & your brain can think more clearly because it is nourished, you will realize that life can be good & that food is fuel you need to live.
Good luck!
