I have had this eating disorder (anorexia) for all of my adult life --- 30 years now. I go through periods when I am really sick & starving, then I get some recovery but am still obsessed & neurotic about my body & eating only the "right" foods. I have stopped weighing myself because I felt too afraid of gaining anything at all. I have been hospitalized twice in the past 8 years.

The issue, as I see it, is that this is not just my personal problem. I feel that our entire society has an eating disorder, a weird skewed idea of what a woman's body should look like. At the supermarket check-out stands, the magazines feature these impossibly slim models along with articles about the latest 'lose 10 lbs. In 10 minutes by eating celery soup' diet. Although I have a full life in many respects --- nice family, good job --- I still measure much of my self-worth with my body. Whenever I eat a little more and add a few inches to my frame, so that I actually start to have curves instead of bones sticking out everywhere, I panic and go back to the starvation.

Everyone around me --- my husband, parents, therapist, nutritionist --- tells me I need to eat more and get to a healthy weight. But the fear of getting fat, the self-hatred I have for my bigger body, is so strong that I cann't seem to do what I know would help heal me. Instead I listen to the messages I get from the media and stay in my illness, unhappy but skinny.

As for the scale, my husband thinks I should weigh myself regularly to get a realistic picture of my body and to deal with the weight gain in a rational way rather than imagining that i've put on 20 lbs. Because I ate an extra-large apple. (he's an engineer with a very practical mind). I'm not sure whether that would help or hurt me. I'm afraid the scale, which i've avoided for years, would just become one more number to absess about, like calories and fat grams.

Does anyone out there use the scale in a positive way? Does anyone have ideas about getting over the magazine model comparison problem?
Please let me know your opinions. I could use some good advice.