I have
had this eating disorder (anorexia) for
all of my adult life --- 30 years now. I
go through periods when I am really sick
& starving, then I get some recovery
but am still obsessed & neurotic about
my body & eating only the "right"
foods. I have stopped weighing myself
because I felt too afraid of gaining
anything at all. I have been
hospitalized twice in the past 8 years.
The issue, as I see it, is that this is
not just my personal problem. I feel that
our entire society has an eating disorder,
a weird skewed idea of what a woman's body
should look like. At the supermarket
check-out stands, the magazines feature
these impossibly slim models along with
articles about the latest 'lose 10 lbs.
In 10 minutes by eating celery soup' diet.
Although I have a full life in many
respects --- nice family, good job --- I
still measure much of my self-worth with
my body. Whenever I eat a little more and
add a few inches to my frame, so that I
actually start to have curves instead of
bones sticking out everywhere, I panic and
go back to the starvation.
Everyone around me --- my husband,
parents, therapist, nutritionist --- tells
me I need to eat more and get to a healthy
weight. But the fear of getting fat, the
self-hatred I have for my bigger body, is
so strong that I cann't seem to do what I
know would help heal me. Instead I
listen to the messages I get from the
media and stay in my illness, unhappy but
skinny.
As for the scale, my husband thinks I
should weigh myself regularly to get a
realistic picture of my body and to deal
with the weight gain in a rational way
rather than imagining that i've put on 20
lbs. Because I ate an extra-large apple.
(he's an engineer with a very practical
mind). I'm not sure whether that would
help or hurt me. I'm afraid the scale,
which i've avoided for years, would just
become one more number to absess about,
like calories and fat grams.
Does anyone out there use the scale in a
positive way? Does anyone have ideas
about getting over the magazine model
comparison problem?
Please let me know your opinions. I could
use some good advice.
