Broken Hearted Forum - Should You End It If You Love Someone?! Pls Help!!!!!!!!!!

Relationships > Broken Hearted Forum > Should You End It If You Love Someone?! Pls Help!!!!!!!!!!

Q: Should You End It If You Love Someone?! Pls Help!!!!!!!!!!

asked by: sarahk on February 11th, 2005

Experienced User

Hi, I need your help, your opinions from the outside would be greatly appreciated!

I have been with my (now fiance) for 4 years, he's slightly older than me and has two children from a previous relationship.

I have found that over the years he lies to me about money, the mortgage is in my name and I found out the other day that I have been giving him my half to pay the mortgage and he hasnt been paying it and using my money to pay off debts in his name, he seems to have no regard for finance/mortgage in my name. He was also hiding reminder letters from my mortgage company saying that I will get defaulted all these letters were addressed to me and he's been hiding them in fear that I will find out....But I am the one who will get in trouble!!!!!!!!!!!! Ive also found out that he is in a lot of debt, he has so many loans yet still tries to get more...He's terrible wioth money and it scares me!!!!! Since he has been getting me in trouble with my mortgage (and I didnt know about it) he asked me to marry him and tried to get me to sign a declaration of trust to confirm what he would get should things go wrong (so he obviously thought that if I found out we would split..I dont know?!!) I dont want to live my life paying off debt and since I have been with him there hasnt been a year that has gone by when something bad financially has happened.

Also, he's not the most affectionate boyfriend and considering he lies to me about money and things that he has brought (and not just little things...One was a 15k van!) it makes me wonder if he really loves me.

On the other hand we have the same sense of humour, we laugh all the time and we get on well and most importantly I love him. But should you leave someone if you love them....Is that dangerous?!

I know he hasnt done this to me to spite me, he has always been this way, before he met me! I just dont want to live my whole life paying off debt and being broke, I have a good job, work hard and am on good money, so I feel it is unfair to me. I know financially I will be better off, but I love him....What do I do?!!!!!!!!!

I have confronted him and I have been staying at my sisters house, but I just dont know what to do. He says he loves and I really do love him, but now I cant trust him. We have fun together and he is my best friend.

Should you end a relationship with someone if you still love them?
Is money a good enough reason to end a relationship?

Please help me, I dont know what to do?

Replies(6)

sparklypixie12

replied on February 11th, 2005

Extremely eHealthy

Hi firstly from a personal point of view I think you're barmy! This guy is gonna take you for everything you've got & everything you work hard for. At the end of the day, it's you who is gonna have to deal with everything when you're getting defaults to your name & solicitors letter through the door whereas he can just walk away. Can you really have a future with someone who lies to you, cheats you out of money to pay their debts and hides important things from you? I would say no. The basis of a good strong relationship is trust & this is clearly what you're lacking. I can't blame you-i wouldnt be able to trust him either.
You need to take a long, hard look at the situation. Sure you love him but does that mean you should take crap form him? And yes he makes you laugh but one day he's really gonna make you cry. I read these stories all the time-in magazines and on the telly & it always goes one way-the woman ends up heartbroken with debts up to her eye balls & regrets ever having let the man walk all over her. I apologise if anything I said was harsh but I don't like to see people being made fools of. Best wishes with everything

sarahk

replied on February 11th, 2005

Experienced User

Dear sparklypixie12 (thats a great username by the way!)

thank you, you have told me what I need to hear, and no, not at all harsh!
I know ive been stupid and if a friend came to me with the same problem I would advise them to leave in a heart beat.
Its going to be hard, but I have so much to look forward to, the house is mine, I can rent some rooms out and have a proper girlie pad.....Oh and the girlie holidays!!!!!!!! ....And of course I will be better off financially!!!!
All in all I think my future is brighter without him, even though I love him I know ihave no future there.

Thanks x

Justin_Toronto

replied on February 16th, 2005

Experienced User

This is not an issue of breaking up with him over money.

It's about him lying, not trusting you, and doing things behind your back. Stability is important, and it's obvious he is still not mature enough to be financially stable on his own. This is important, especially if you're going to get into a marriage with this guy.

Do yourself a favor, get out and find someone who has their feet on the ground, and is able to pay their own bills.

nadeentears

replied on February 18th, 2005

Experienced User

Should You End It If You Love Someone Please Help

Any relation that starts with lies never last long. You should take an action and decide what is best for your future? If he lies from now what is he going to do in the future? You can not trust him at all. Financial problems is very complicated. You can not handle loans and debts. It will destroy your life and turn it upside down. You will never enjoy your life. We marry to have good and better life. Trust is the main factor that makes marriage successful and last for ever. Sit to your self and think deeply, and ask yourself does this man deserve my love and confidence?
My heart is with you

nottingham

replied on February 18th, 2005

New User

There is only one thing besides leaving him that I can think of to do. Lay down the law. From now on, you will handle all of the finances including his money. I think if he really loves you and is not trying to take you for all you've got, then he will agree wholeheartedly to this. If he has even the slightest problem accepting that arrangement, then tell him to hit the road!!!

tomz

replied on February 19th, 2005

Experienced User

Run When It Is Clear.

Sarahk,

this guy doesn't really love you. He is using you. He probably doesn't know what love is, if he is divorced with two kids or has two kids without being married (i don't think you specified).

I would do the following 1st,

1. Make sure you are not listed jointly on any credit cards. I would get a credit check from equifax for yourself for about $50.00 covering the three major credit bureaus to see what is outstanding on your credit record. I would consider getting a credit check on your fiance as well to actually see how far debt he is in and if you responsible for any of it. (make sure he hasn't opened credit cards in your name.) if you find problems, get yourself an attorney to keep you from getting into more problems.

2. Have your utility bills placed in his name or your name, but not both. Since you own a home together. If you decide to move out of the house and the utility is in only his name, he is responsible. If the utility is in your name, you discontinue service and force him to put it in his name. If you hold any utilities jointly, if you move out, you are still responsible if your name is listed on the account.

3. Never give him money to pay bills. Make the check of your portion to the utility company or you take care of the bills. He is not trustworthy.

4. Once you know you have no other financial ties to himbut the house, I would make plans to sell the house. He has the right to refuse if you jointly own it. You can stop paying but the house may be forclosed and you are partly responsible if you don't have enough equity in the house to cover the mortgage.

5. Once the house is sold. Run from him as fast as you can and learn from this mistake. The guy is a bum and doesn't have your best interest at heart. Financial stress is the number one reason marriages fail. Find someone who you love and returns love. Work together to build your nest egg, family, and your life.

Best wishes,

tomz

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