Well, I think what i'm trying to say is there's a 'difference' for me in re of the voices or sounds I hear during an aura vs. The voices or sounds I hear in a psychotic state... The aura sounds are less understandable & harder to make out, where as the psychotic episodes they seem more prelavant... Easier to make out what's being said to me or what i'm hearing during a psychotic episode...
The things I hear during an aura are also associated w/other symptoms that come along w/the onset of a seizure, which tells me it's not 'all in my head', but in fact an aura... Things like nausea, dizziness, or feelings of deja vous... I don't experience these things in a psychotic state... If anything, I feel 'numb' when in a psychotic state...
In a psychotic episode, the sounds & voices are alot clearer and seem to make more 'sense'... It's not so much a confusion of thoughts as much as it is during an aura... In these psychotic episodes, if/when I hear these 'voices', it's not so much someone 'talking to me' as much as it is someone 'commanding' me, or telling me 'what to do' and 'how to do it'.. If I don't comply, I suffer 'consequences'.. This can consist of hearing the same thing over & over & over again, like a broken record... Other times i'll get 'degraded' for not doing 'as I was told'... And other times I feel physical pain or feel the need to inflict pain upon myself in order to 'make up for' not listening or complying... And yet, there's been plenty of times when i'm 'commanded' to harm either myself or someone else... Doesn't matter who, could be a loved one, could be a complete stranger... Fortunately I have enough 'common sense' not to follow through on these acts, but again, know i'll soon have to 'suffer the consequences'...
It's this, as you called, 'making a deal' that really caught my attention.. I'd like to know more about it if you're willing to share? This 'deal' you refer to sort of reminds me of the 'commands' i'm given... The 'deal' is, if I comply to the commands, the voices are 'pleased', and if not, i'm 'punished'...
You also asked, '... How did u find out that u were'nt just having seizures but also schizo?...' truth be known, I saw alot of Dr.'s, both neuros & psychs over the years... Each one wants to say it's 'caused by this' or 'caused by that' and they never seem to agree w/one another... I didn't start having seizures until I was a pre teen, w/the onset of puberty... Although, I was having petite mal seizures prior to my first grand mal, just didn't realize they were seizures ...
As for the schizophrenia, i've always suffered from that, as long as I can remember... My parents always blew it off as my having a 'vivid imagination' and never gave it a second thought... I would tell them, for example, how the 'evil refrigerator' was 'talking to me' and 'telling me to do bad things'... Again, they laughed and just blew it off as my imagination...
The older I got, the worse the voices & halluciations got until a week after my 18th birthday when I attempted suicide for the first time... The voices told me that I suffered from these seizures because of 'all the bad things i've done in my life' and for 'not listening' and I 'needed to die'... Fortunately we were found ( my girlfriend & I did this attempt together ) in time and were able to get us to the hospital and make us drink that awful, awful, charcoal, yuuuck...
From the hospital I went to the state mental institution ( that was the first time I was locked up ) and it was there that they diagnosed me as 'bi polar' and treated me as such... After numerous years & medications that did me absolutely no good, I did some research of my own... I was convinced I was not in fact bi polar, but something else... The bi polar profile just didn't seem to fit me... Through all my searching I found a specific condition of schizophrenia called 'schizoeffective'... From what I understand, both schizoeffective & bi polar are very similar in some ways... I brought this to my Dr.'s attention who referred me to a specialist who said, yes, in fact that was the case... I was not bi polar but in fact schizophrenic...
It was then that they started treating my psychosis w/a variety of different drugs and combinations until they found 'just the right one'... Well, the 'right one' didn't always work either & I finally threw my hands up in the air & quit taking all my meds except for the anti seizure medication... And that's where i'm at today... I take lamictal for the seizures, combined w/some folic acid...
As for the voices & hallucinations, when I see something a bit out of the ordinary I ask hubby if he saw that too... If he hadn't, I know it was 'just in my head' and if he did in fact see it, I knew I was 'ok'... If I see things & have a feeling of nausea or deja vous, then I know it's an onset of a seizure... The voices still remain as well as the idea that people are not only talking to me, but about me... I'm also still 'commanded' to do things or act a certain way but i've recently discovered the power of refusal... Mind over matter I guess you might call it... Fine, punish me if you will, but I will not do that... Whatever 'that' might be... I really believe I have the power of esp & also think we all have it, we just don't know how to use it yet... But, when I tell the docs about this, they say this is also 'all in my head'...