i have some certain psychological things of which I donÂ’t know what it is and what I can do about it.
What I do know is that everything changed for me when my father threw something at me from behind me. It was a very hostile act of him. At that very moment I experienced some strange thing. I saw all black in my conscious for a split second. I sort of recall that I thougt something like:Â’ my own father is doing such a thing to meÂ’ Â‘my father is not the person I always thought he wasÂ’.
This happened when I was 3 years of age.
The next day I noticed that I couldnÂ’t behave as I used to. I noticed there was something wrong with me but didnÂ’t know what. (i still donÂ’t know)
now I am 30 years old en since a couple of years I say things to my self like: Â‘i wanna get out of hereÂ’, Â‘ I wanna leave from hereÂ’ or Â‘ I will kill you all!Â’ Â‘ you motherf******!Â’ Â‘ I hate you!Â’
Â‘ be aware, I will kill you!Â’ (and sometimes pointing with my finger)
usually I say this things in my head but sometimes out loud.
I donÂ’t know what it is but I think a form of showing my teeth, but I think beneith that anger there is sadness, pain and helplessless (of a child)
occasionally I will have a very sore impression on my face, one of deep sadness and helplessness. I donÂ’t know why but I think it has to do with me remembering how sad I felt at a certain moment when I was a little boy.
And at other times when I sort of remember what happened I get the urge to cry but I canÂ’t really. I donÂ’t know why. I think it will do me good if I could.
Sometimes I hear myself say things like:Â’hahahahaa, I donÂ’t like you anywayÂ’
it looks like there is a kind of person in side of me who is very negative, who is after doing pain to others and get my right.
Now iÂ’ve been to a psychiatrist and he said these things are kind of psychotic like and he advised me abilify for at least a year (15 mg). The uncontrolable thoughts will get less with that he said and maybe even dissapear forever. And after that the psychotherapy will be much more effective he said. Is this true?
What makes me worry about the abilify (or other medicines) is that I will loose my chance to heal the right way because the medicines will alter some things in my psyche which will last forever. Is that true?