Can I Trust Her Again?

Tripwire:

first of all, you need to determine what you want and deserve of a marriage. You said that she is your fiance.

What I expect out of my marriage with my wife is love, trust, honesty, faithfulness, and communication. A marriage is not a 50/50 proposition. It is a 100%/100% proposition. I give my wife 100% of me and I expect her to give me 100% of her.

1. My first question to you is, "what do you expect out of marriage to her"?

If are engaged or married, you don't sleep around on the other person. Even if she for some forseen reason, loses her inhibitions when she is drunk, then she shouldn't get drunk. She shouldn't do anything which would hurt you. You both should behave that you don't set yourself up for things that would hurt your spouse.

My second question, "what is missing in your relationship in that she cheats on you?"

you have some major problems and breakdowns in your relationship if she has cheated on you twice. There is a saying, "fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

you no longer can overlook this problem. You need to find the root of the problem. Her cheating is the bad fruit of the root cause.

Since she is your fiance, you both need some premarital counseling before you dive into a marriage which may only have less than 50% chance of lasting. The premarital counseling will either bring you closer together, or have you both agree that this relationship is not what you both want.

You both need to look at your expectations of marriage. You think this problem is difficult to deal with now. After you are married it will be 70 times 70 more difficult because of the legal ties as well if you have children.

Before my wife and I got married, our church required us to get 4 months (meeting twice a month) of premarital counseling with a trained couple. It was the best thing we could have ever did for our relationship. We read and reviewed 3 books "called together", "love life", and "intended for pleasure". We generally completed the "called together" seperately and 3 days before we met, doug and anne reviewed our answers and had us discuss our thoughts, expectations, perceptions, needs. It made us look at issues we never thought about before we were married. We found our first year of marriage was a smooth transition compared to other couples we know who never had this. We have been married over 5 years and our relationship is solid.

If you really committed to her and still want to make the relationship work, get some premarital counseling!

3. What is her parent relationship like?

Are her parents still married? Are they divorced? Do they have a bad marriage?

My point is she only know in marriage what was displayed by her parents? If her parents have a bad relationship, she is doomed to repeat it if she doesn't make a point to learn from their mistakes and get emotional healing for it?

If you don't like her parent's relationship, unless you do something about it, you may be headed in the same path. Again, to solve this problem, you need premarital counseling.

4. How does the way your fiance was raised and you were raised differ?

If you came from simillar backgrounds, your expectations will be more managable than if you came from different backgrounds.

Her background can tell you where your relationship may be headed or what you are in for?

What type of father figure she had, can shape how secure she is?

When you are married, you want to be her husband, not what she wanted in a father? Women can be drawn to men based on how he resembles their father? Does she know the difference?

You need to look deep in how she was raised and how she is wired? And forsee where this is taking your relationship?

I hope what I have shared will help you think. My goal is not to tell you what to do but to help you determine what is best for you. You first need to determine if you want to make your relationship work. Do you love her? Can you ever trust her? Can she ever earn your trust? Do you deserve better? You have to answer some questions before I can give you any more ideas to think about.

The one thing worse than being single and lonely, is to be married and lonely.

Tripwire, let me know if I can assist you any further.

Tomz

Listen to tomz.. He laid it out nice and simple for you.