2 Years On...cant Take This Anymore....

Sarah

I thought my earlier reply went through but it didnt
i didnt think anyone else thought the way I did. I am with someone for the past six years. I had an abortion in the 3rd year. Time wasnt right (he said). I than went on another year and got pregnant and I had another abortion. This does not read well, but its hard to put into words but he controlled the whole situation.

I was on the pill for both times.

I had nightmares about animals eating my stomach, I couldnt and still can not explain to my friends how I feel. I never wanted this for my life. I feel
like I am carrying dark secrets that I am can only talke about on a computer.

I am not religous, only when I want something?? Like most

but a weird twist of faith I now have 4 month old twins. I am not saying
go out and get pregnant. I am alone and it is very hard. But of course I wouldnt change it.

I battle every day if the man in my life had my interests in life or just his.

I am here if you ever want to talk

Thanks everyone for your support - I know I need to talk to someone.....And I have, everyone knows how I feel, I feel this way all the time but occasionally...I have a major breakdown and feel like I just cant go on.

Pipa,
i was trying to send you a pm but I couldnt quite figure out how! I didnt know that anyone else felt like me either! I spoke to a councellor through my abortion clinic and all they have been trying to do is convince me that I am feeling this way because of other things going on in my life...What a load of crap! I was a happy girl once apon a time, I just think that maybe they want to bring the statistics down of mental breakdown after an abortion...I dunno.
I honestly beleive though that for us gals in the uk there really isnt enough information about abortion, I only wish that I had access to the internet at the time so I could have looked into it more.
There's things that I really wanna ask you, can you pm me (so I can reply!)

sarah

Sarha i,m so glad you have someone to talk to an I hope you feel a little better now I won,t say all better because I guess thats a bit to opptomistic at the moment but you will do one day.

I agree that there is not enough information on termination in the uk I have really had my eyes opened since coming in here.

All the best.

I've been dating a man for about 6 years off and on but we hear from each other at least every other day.
He has a girlfriend of 10 years and another lady on the side and only god knows how many others.
I had sexual relations with his cousin, he found out about it. He called and told me he wasnt happy about what he had heard and that he would holler back at me. It's been since jan. 20, 2005, he will not respond to any of my calls, other people we hang around go out of their way to keep me from his house.
I know I was wrong, i'm single, i'm lonely alot of the time, and i'm not making any excuses but he's not always there for me. I love and care for him and I would do anything to get him to just talk to me again.
What should I do?

Dear sarah,
i just read your letter today, i'm coming up on the two year anniversary of my baby's abortion and i'm crying over your letter because we could be sisters in regard to how we feel and our experience. I was married and so happy to be expecting our second child. My husband was the only person I told at first. He convinced me to have the abortion. The only other person I told ( I was too ashamed to tell anyone else I was even considering it) was a great friend who lives in connecticut and has two children of her own. She is catholic and what she told me was "you know what you should do." this was not helpful. That was the second time someone has told me that exact line when I was trying to make a major decision. If I knew what to do I wouldn't have asked!
Anyway, the good that has come from this is that my husband is definitely not someone I have on a pedestal, like a god. He should not have decided this, god already had. It has made me realize that my moral base is/was very shaky, and even though my husband always went to catholic schools, he has almost no moral base!
It was so sad to read your experience but I think that somehow we have to find the strength the next time we are faced with a major decision in our lives, to do what we really want to do, even if it is not what our boyfriend/husband/parents want us to do. After all, we count too.
I was wondering if you are the youngest in your family like me and whether you had an authoritarian father as I did.
I'm sending you love and hugs.

Awesome letter, I just read your reply to sarahk and even though I cried the whole time because it was so well-written, right on, and helpful, I want to thank you for writing it. I'm going to print it out and keep it.

Sarah--i know it's hard but just try to overlook certain postings. You were cooerced into something that wasn't right for you. It's not your fault. The thought of losing everything you love and need is hard to deal with and people were coming at you from all sides pressuring you. Your future is ahead of you and although you can't turn back time, you can look ahead and promise yourself that you will do everything in your power to make *yourself* happy from now on.

I know that isn't much help but I really do wish you the best.

Hi sarahk! You need to forgive yourself, you need to check out emdr(eye movement desensitization & reprocessing), did you ever feel that their might have been a reason for the abortion? Some times things happen that we never understand and know the reasons why, maybe something might have been wrong with the fetus, who knows. Emdr will help to release these feelings of upset and bitterness and this is the help that you need so you can move on it could even release the upset and feelings you hold for this guy because lets face it, if some guy would tell a lot of us that we had to get an abortion a lot of us would probably tell them to hit the road because with that we would lose respect for him, even though I am pro choice, that sort of stinks. Think about this though, as it has helped a lot of people.
Sincerely,
sandy

I agree with fatfamily02, this was spiritual. Maybe the lord was letting you know that your child is ok. Once you have asked jesus to forgive you he removes your sin as far as the east is from the west and remembers them no more. Now, you have to forgive yourself and trust that god is taking care of your child, (which was really his child all along) just like you are his child and he is able to take care of you as well.
As far as research on the effects of abortion, I would think that there is no way to accurately access, due to the long denial that most men and women experience, and then if they do deal with it it’s quietly and alone. And that’s too bad…

sounds like you received christ at some point in your life or he is pursuing you now… it is his laws that are stressing you; otherwise you would not feel a twinge of guilt, and it is his grace that is pursuing you.

Grace: unmerited love and favor.

Hebrews 10:16
"this is the covenant I will make with them after that time, says the lord. I will put my laws in their hearts, and I will write them on their minds."
jeremiah 1:5
"before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."
john 1:17
for the law was given through moses; grace and truth came through jesus christ.
Acts 15:11
no! We believe it is through the grace of our lord jesus that we are saved, just as they are."
romans 5:20
the law was added so that the trespass might increase. But where sin increased, grace increased all the more,
romans 6:14
for sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace.
2 corinthians 12:9
but he said to me, "my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that christ's power may rest on me.
Galatians 2:21
i do not set aside the grace of god, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, christ died for nothing!"
galatians 5:4
you who are trying to be justified by law have been alienated from christ; you have fallen away from grace.
Ephesians 2:5
made us alive with christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.
Ephesians 2:8
for it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of god—
acts 2:17
" 'in the last days, god says, I will pour out my spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your young men will see visions, your old men will dream dreams.
Titus 3:7
so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life.
Romans 3:23
for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of god,
acts 13:38
"therefore, my brothers, I want you to know that through jesus the forgiveness of sins is proclaimed to you.
Romans 7:25
24 what a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? 25thanks be to god—through jesus christ our lord!
So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to god's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.
2 corinthians 9:15
thanks be to god for his indescribable gift!
Philippians 1:3
i thank my god every time I remember you.

It sounds to me also that abortion was not the choice you wanted to make; and i'm very sorry someone coerced you into it. I hate things like that. How does your guy feel about your distress? I'm not very spiritual myself but you should learn somehow, whether through meditation or religion or self-reflection that you are not a bad person for having an abortion. Abortion is the best choice for some, and not the best choice for others, but I can understand your pain because you wanted to have the child. However, the act is done and over, and has been for two years.

Learning to cope with the desicions we make in life is part of what helps us to grow. I know I have made choices that I really don't like; however they have made me who I am today and I would never trade that for anything. I do not regret my desicions and I would not change them. Some of them were wrong choices, but things like that hapen in life; and bad choices do not make me a bad person if I learn from them and grow from them.

I hope you find the peace you are seeking. Meditation, religion and self-discovery can all aid you in this effort. Good luck, and remember that life goes on. It is a beautiful world, and you are here in it now! You won't live forever, so experience all that you can :)

Sarah,

i wish I had read your thread 4 weeks ago as your situation was a replica of mine and I am now without a baby and suicidal. Parents have dissowned me as too ashamed of me (i'm in my thirties and this would have been my first)baby's father abroad now...Can't cope and can't bear life without the baby,every day is a reminder, every date,every morning.
I just want a baby and feel worthless and alone now. Sometimes don't even know why i'm still here I just feel like I have murdered a baby.It was a fetus but still. Don't feel I deserve help or anything good. It's xmas and I will be sitting alone in a house cos I can't bear to go out or have fun..Just want my baby.

Hi hun. Im 19years old been with my bf. 3years, and he said if I dont get abortion he is gonna leave me, I dont know what to do:( im 13weeks pregnant, have my name on the list for abortion, my heat isnt in it at all. Its like 50% of me wants to have home first and holidays, 50% says I want my baby. But if I go along with it. I loose my bf, and he said he wont want anything to do wiuth baby, it will grow up no dad:( I jus dont know what to do.