"how you can survive when they're depressed" by anne sheffield.
Here's a snippet, from pages 165-166.
Much of the behavior that travels under the name of mania is devastating to those who live within its path. Spouses, children, and parents of unmedicated manic-depressive are constantly placed in jeapordy: income and savings are squandered, jobs and careers are lost, and families are thrown into disarray and confusion from which they may never recover.
Hmm, from page 129:
the three phrases that echo through everyone's story (non bps) were "nothing I do is right", "nothing I do is enough"; and "everything is always my fault."
page 152.
Any of the foregoing activities have the added benefit of shifting the focus from the person with the illness to yourself. Depressive and manic-depressives alike tend to be self-centered and selfish. The former are overly passive (usually), the latter overly active, but both are adept at sopping up the limelight. Unless you get a limelight of your own, you will about in the shadows, thinking you do not deserve one, letting their demands absorb all your energy and time. Depressives do need your love and support, even thought they have a peculiar way of seeking them. <snip> being forever at the beck and call of their needs will not lessen their distress, and it certainly will not promote your own self-esteem.
Page 161.
The ultimate responsibility for complying with treatment lies with the person who has the illness, and failure to accept that responsibility is an indication that there may not be a happy ending. Without medication the illness will persist, so refusal of medication is, in a very real sense, a refusal to maximize the chances of getting well. Noncompliance also indicates ignorance, shortsightedness, and selfishness on the part of the primary sufferer. There are, after all, two of you (or more--ds), and you inhabit the same world. If your self-absorbed depressive or manic refuses to recognize that their illness affects you too, they are making a statement: I am the only person who matters here.
Is it any wonder that we get depressed too? Relationships require positive feedback for both parties, if one gives & gives & gives and never gets any positive reinforcement the relationship isn't going to thrive and could very well dissolve.
Taking care of your mind and body is every bit as important as their problems. Maybe more so. There is nothing wrong with saying, "enough. I cannot take on any more right now, you have to develop a wider safety net than just me."