We are lucky that there are four of us to help out, even though none of us is in the same city as my mom. It must be frustrating for you trying to do it all for your grandmother.

And my mom does have the pwr of atty, health care directives and will in order. But as long as she is deemed mentally capable, those don't enter into the equation at all. We still have to deal with her stubbornness and her insistence on returning home. We think she'll be in rehab well into April so at least that gives us some time.

I know what you mean about the stubbornness, some days are better than others with grandma. It has been very hard to see how much she has declined, the confusion it's all hard, but that said I would never walk away knowing she is in this state of mind now.
Sometimes I get phone calls ALL day asking the same questions over and over then by the time my husband comes home I'm mentally exhausted.

I'm glad you hear so many are helping you. It's just my mom and I not to mention my step dad and my own husband and kids who help when they can but most of it falls on me to set up appointments, making sure she has her medications, bills are being paid, etc..
My mom has her own set of health problems also, so we take turns doing what we can and I got aides in to help us out to take out once in a while and to keep her company.
I use to get to see her 3 times a week now I'm lucky if it's once a week with all my doctor appointments.
Life is hard today it's another rough one for me.
Sorry I'm venting it's not even the right place (forum) to do this.

Butterfly, that's twice you have apologised on this thread! You have a perfect right to vent! Go on, vent some more! If people don't want to listen, they can jump to another thread. But I, at least, am listening because I am going through the same stuff just now. And I am sure many others are, too. And Admin is going to get us a nice new forum for this, aren't you, Admin?

Thank you.

How are you holding up?

Well, my parents are aging quite rapidly now after a severe illness that hit them both at the same time. I feel bad that I cannot offer them more help as I work full time and do not live very close to them. When I do go there (every weekend) within a few minutes I can feel my stress level going up because the dynamic between them is changing now to intense irritation with each other whereas until recently they were a happy loving couple. I think they are both afraid of being left alone as well as of leaving the other. I spend around 10 hours there every weekend and come away feeling good that I have helped them and made a difference, but within a day or so the guilt starts again ...

I know this is happening everywhere to people of my age - I know that the time has arrived now when decisions are going to have to be made but I don't want to be the one to have to do it. I know if it were me, no matter how frail or incapacitated I felt, I would still rather be in my own home. It makes me feel sad

I fully understand what you are going through. It is hard seeing them decline, when we get to see our loved ones we are busy making sure the bills get paid (I do this also for her), medication is being taken (I can tell when she is not taking it), she still lives in her home but we are working on getting her into senior housing.
I was able to get some help in the house as I mentioned in a previous post.
Is this an option for you, to get help in the house during the week for your parents?

It takes time to find the right match with a homemaker, nurse, aide, etc..but once I see it's working it eases a little bit for me with the stress. The problem is also other family members who dump their problems on my grandmother. She doesn't need that. They need to grow up but that will never happen.(This a whole other story). The others in the family are so oblivious to what is going on but when the day comes she is no longer with us,they will be the first ones with the oh this and that bull with their hand out. They are in for a rude awakening. They do irk me.
I know it's gross to talk about when a person passes on but it's a fact that people come out of nowhere looking for what they think is rightfully theirs in their mind anyway. I've seen this before and it's very selfish and sickening. To me if they can not be their to help out when times are tough then don't bother coming around at all.
I know the guilt all to well also. That just shows how much we love them and want the best for our dear elderly family members. I stay up at night wondering what is going to happen? Why do they have to decline like this? I cry often, it was the hardest thing losing my grandpa who took over the place of my own father (who walked out of my life). And to know this is what is in store for most of us, it really stinks.
I'm here anytime you need to talk.

If my mom goes back to her home, we'd have to get some sort of help, too. Is your grandma able to use the toilet herself? It seems that if they are not mobile enough to get to the bathroom, 24-hr care would be needed. If they can do at least that much, then it shouldn't be too hard finding someone to come to the home and cook/clean, etc. What hours do you have an aide come? Is it just once a day?

I guess another common problem would be if they need to take meds three times a day, but don't remember. Would that require round-the-clock care also?

Those things make me think assisted living would be better for my mom than returning to her home.

Hi

She is able to use the toilet on her own. Commodes are also an option. We have help going in 4 times week. Help is available 24/7 if needed. In your case with your mom getting hurt, it should be recommended by the doctor that someone check on her or be with her.

As for the med's there is a unit that reminds them to take their medications by alerting them with a tone or voice activated. The nurse would set this up or even a family member can do this. We have not gotten this yet but I am looking into this also. This way here we know the med's are being taken (hopefully not thrown out though).

It wouldn't hurt to look into this as an option, in the end it's what you really feel is safest for your mom. I know it's a very hard decision to make.

How is everyone doing caring for their elders?

We recently had a family meeting with my mom and her home care facilitator. She now has a nurse come every morning and give her a.m. meds, and she leaves her p.m. meds out for her. She has macular degeneration. We didn't realize she was even having trouble until we stayed with her for my brothers wedding. My brother noticed that pills were all over the floor and in the sink. Apparently, she didn't even realize that she wasn't taking all her meds. She never said a word!! I had to phone her home care and get the help for her. I just can't get in to be with her as much as I should. I really don't think mom would even let me stay with her and help, even for a while. She is very independent and stubborn. She is willing to let home care help though. She goes to Adult day care once a week and seems to enjoy the socializing, and meeting new people. Should I be thinking about trying to move her, or what???

Reading through the replies, I wonder if my husband and I are the only hard hearts out there. My in laws did not plan for retirement and in fact gambled all their money from their businesses away. They lived high while my husband, I and our four children struggled severely. I was finally able to go to college and get my Chemical Engineering degree and we are doing very well. Our children are grown and have gotten their degrees. The inlaws are now at a stage where they need assistance and after years of them not being involved in our and the kids life (they never responded to our invites for birthdays, holidays, etc) they want our financial support. We are devastated. As the only living and available family, we feel an obligation but we certainly don't want to sacrafice our and our children's well being and security for them. What options are out there for us?

I HAVE A QUESTION. I am married to the elderly mother's son and my husband has two older sisters. She lived with us for 7 years until I found out a few things (one being she didn't like me or my children) & second because she had very nasty habits. She now lives alone & this is so extremely dangerous. She is now in elderly stages of forgetfulness, urinating on herself & other things. This woman needs help & both of her daughters arent' stepping up to find her a place to stay & both won't let mother stay with them. Both daughter's have houses & no children & we have 3 children but they keep placing the responsibility on my husband & I. Where do I look to help my husband find his mother housing?

Hello, everyone. I’m a writer working on a book with Dr. Robert Kane, professor Emeritus at the University of Minnesota, on the challenges of caring for aging parents. I’m seeking anecdotal stories to include, illustrating from a real-life perspective how people are meeting this task and its emotional, physical, and financial challenges. I would very much like to hear from you if you are willing to share a piece of your story for consideration for inclusion in Dr. Kane’s book. It does not need to be long; what you choose to share may be only a paragraph or even a few sentences, or it may be longer. You may use your real name or withhold it, as long as you are willing to grant your permission for the information itself to be shared.

Thank you for your consideration. Dr. Kane is a prominent expert in this field and his book will help thousands of families navigate the long-term care system with less hardship.

Warmly,

Jeannine Ouellette

I am in both places here. I am a mental health professional and someone who is taking care of her 92 year old father. I am lucky because Dad, while physically frail, is mentally very active AND I have some excellent help both from people who love Dad and a CNA who comes in three times a day while I am at work.

But its still hard. So I started a blog, Changing the Guard and the trials and joys of what we do.

Although no one wants to put their parent in a nursing home, there are occasions when getting extra help is necessary. If the parent requires frequent medical care, is bedridden or needs medication during times when the caregiver cannot provide care, then a senior facility may be the best option. There are also options for hiring in a nurse or senior caregiver to come into the parent's home a few hours each day. This can be a great help to the caregiver, taking some of the stress of him or her. It also can solve issues that require medical help, but still allow the senior to stay at home.

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