I have never had sex before my current girlfriend. I wanted to wait until I was married but things happen and I had sex with her. I dont regret it at all and im fine with it, but she has had sex with 2 other men before me and has had numerous boyfriend (around a dozen) who she has done other things with. I have also never smoked anything in my life and never plan to yet she has smoked weed and cigarettes. Her past bothers me incredibly and I think about it alot. I would break up with her, but I love the person she is today, and those were all just mistakes she made. I basically need some sort of advice from someone. How do u cope with ur partners past and what should I do???
If she still smokes, then it might be a problem, and it doesnt matter what the person did back then, it matter who she is now. Try not thinking about it, it doesnt matter it happened, never look in the past look at whats going on at the moment or farther into the futurue
I can't tell you what to do. I still think you shouldn't break up with though because the past is the past and bringing it up now is going to ruin your relationship. I think you talk to her about it though.
Maybe deep down inside you are insecure. Do you think you might be comparing yourself to these other men? Are you afraid you wont be able to be as "good" as her past boyfriends? Are you afraid that since you arent the type of guy to be having a lot of sex or doing other bad things like smoking pot that she might accept you for that since she has done those things in the past?
I think that as long as she isnt doing these things now then I dont see why you should break up with her. If she continues to smoke weed and sleep with more guys.. (2 guys isnt that much these days) then I would consider breaking off the relationship. But its your life, you do whats best for you. If she meets your needs in life, then I would follow your heart.
I went through a period with someone where I told him everything I have ever done. His reaction was very negative. I felt very guilty and didnt like myself very well. But, I am not the same person I was back then. It took some time, but he got over it and he loves me for everything I was, am and who I want to be.
I don't think it is quite fair to her that you are thinking these things about her. I mean, when you fell for her you fell for her, right? You knew she wasn't a virgin? No one is perfect and I am sure you aren't either. I mean, you had sex with her before marriage, so how does that make you any better than her?
I understand what you are feeling, but I think you are being a bit overbearing about it. And if you would break up with her because she has had sex with two men prior to even being with you, and has smoked then maybe you shouldn't be with her. That is no reason to break up with someone. It seems like an excuse to me. Again, no one is perfect. And if she doesn't mean any more to you than this then I don't know what to tell you other than she needs to know that you are feeling this way. It isn't fair to her that you are judging her behind her back when she thinks everything is ok.
As one of the other posts stated, everything that has happened in her past (everything) has made her the person she is today. It doesn't make her a bad person, a weak person or a dirty person, etc. It just makes her, her. And you either like her or you don't. It's that simple. I hope you make the right decision here.
Here is another way to look at it. If you and her don't work out...The next girl you go out with may think of you like you are now thinking of your girlfriend. I mean, you would have had sex with another woman before her. Would it really be fair for her to judge you for that?
I'm going to apologize in advance. I'm not going to give you fortune cookie advice about how she changed and forget the past, live for the present.
I'll drop this for you in point form:
- what she did has made her the persen she is today.
- what she did were not necessarily mistakes, all because you don't agree with them.
- do not forget her past or anyone else you ever date. That's one of the biggest beginner relationship mistakes. The truth is, everything she has done she has accepted as ok for her at one time in her life, and possibly right now too.
- her self-respect may not be as high as yours, you may have more morals. This can, and will, cause relationship problems unless you grow to accept it.
- dumping someone for their past previous to your relationship is quite egotistical and typically not a smart thing to do if you're happy with her now. If these are things she has done while together, then it is another story.
- this shouldn't bother you, as these are things you should have learned about her while dating.. Before getting into a relationship with her. When you asked her to be your girlfriend, you have accepted these things in her going forward.
- chances are this is not an issue of morals. It is likely that you feel inexperienced. I'm sure there are things you have done/experienced that she hasn't as well. That's life.
- don't try to change her, let her be who she is. If you fear her morals will cause relationship problems sooner or later, then eject out of there quicker than a chinese fighter pilot in vietnam. It's not worth the headache and heartache.
- your dignity and self-respect is what defines who you are. Don't lose it over a silly complication. You'll be glad you did when you get older.
Seriously. If you haven't seen that movie it can help you get a perspective on the problem. This may sound course and i'm sorry to say but, you have no right to judge her on what she did before she was with you. It what she is does since you have been together. Does she smoke weed now? Did you ask her about her past or did she till you.
It like this.
You see your lovers journal on the coffee table. It has all there private thoughts and secrets in there. Do you read it?
Because no matter what is in there you will find something that you don't like. It might not be what you where looking fr but the will always be something.
I found this out first hand. My best friend is a girl and was going clubing with some people I didn't know. She was married and husband was away. I went to check and make sure she wasn't getting out of hand dancing to dirty with strangers or anything like that. Come to find out she out the not dancing with guys but making out with her girl friends. Wasn't what I was lookin for but I still found somethin'. Oh, her husband knew to. He doesn't mind. I still do. She's like my little sister and it has forever tainted our relationship. Be careful what you ask bro.
If you ask her about here past be prepared for the worst.
Ya know, I am going through the exact situation right now with my current girlfriend, whom i've been dating with for the past 5 and a half months now. You see, my first impression of her was this "sex thing" cuz her friends just told me she had had sex, but when I finally got to know her, she seemed fun..She loves kids, wants some someday, is making a big turnaround in school so she can go to college (she's 18 i'm 19). She use to smoke but quit, and never partied much. I don't party, never have had sex. U see, she lost her viginity when she was 14. Then she had a one night stand when she was bout 15...Then had sex again in her sophmore year. It bothers me soooo much to think about these other guys and her. How that first guy took what could've been our first time ya know..I'd just like to experience the first time for both of us..To experience it together. She has matured now, but it still bothers me as to who she was back then..And that's the only obstacle in our relationship. She loves me to death, and I really care for her..So I wouldnt' leave her..Just that sometimes I justcan't take thinkin bout it all the time...Sometimes i'm not thinkin bout it, but it's just there.
I have also noticed it's a big problem for other men as well..The men that was to find a committed relationship. So, ne advice would be great..I think i've heard all I need to hear..It's just accepting it's the hard part.. Thanks everyone
This will be kind of lengthy, but this may help you.
When I met my boyfriend a year ago, he was....So different from me. He came from a dysfunctional home with an abusive father and a mother on every drug she could get her hands on. His life was miserable as a young buy and when he got older, he started stealing, having orgies, smoking weed, drinking 2 six packs of beer in one night and more, drinking everything on earth, doing shady business deals on the side...All kinds of things. He was basically a criminal.
He is a much different person now. You would never know he was that kind of guy. And he has shared these things with me, but I look at this way. He may smoke a few cigs a day and drink his 6 pack of beer one a week, but he has decided that with me, he wants to stay on the right path and have a future because I care about him and want him to want something great for himself. He just didn't know how to push himself in the right direction. But it bothered me so much....In the beginning.
But...He is not the person he was before we met, and he is not reverting back into the person he was before he met. He knows that he is changed and wants to do things the right way cause he knows all about the wrong way and hated it.
If you really love her and just want to deal with her how she is now....The good person you know that wants something better with you and different...Who wants to change and has changed, then love that woman. Love her and respect her and don't take anything less from her, and as i've told my boyfriend....If he went back to smoking weed and stealing and living a street life then he would be living it alone without me.
I hope that this can help you cause I know how it is to be with someone that is totally not like you and you care about them and wonder, "how did we end up together?" lol