Troubled and Abusive Relationships Forum - Anyone Had Experience With a Lover Actually Changing?

I've had a hard time with a man I love, I mean a real hard time. He's been depressed which isn't the big deal for me, I mean I can support him with it. It's that he becomes destructive of the relationship and shuts down. It's not a physical abuse thing but he becomes emotionally abusive when he is severely depressed. He does go to therapy and takes medication but they haven't had much luck. I realized he has a personality problem and must decide, like an alcoholic needs to decide, to face the trauma that is causing him to blow up his relationships--in other words, to feel his pain instead of causing pain to himself and others. He admits that he does this but seemed content to remain stuck in it.

So I did the only thing I could, and I separated from him, it hurts because we could have so much together. Unless he sees his problem...And what do I mean by problem you might say? One example, christmas eve I was making dinner, getting ready to spend the evening with him after he'd been staying at my place for several days. He came downstairs after sleeping most of the day--that's what he does when he is depressed. He said he was going to the store and did I want anything. I was ''slaving over a hot stove'' making sauce for a lasagna. I asked for some milk. He said ok and went out.

He called about an hour an a half later and told me he was not coming back to spend the night with me, because he was miserable. I was devastated--he knew i'd worked hard on the dinner, and that I did not go to my family's on christmas because he was with me. It seemed like a calculated cruelty. I cried and cried while he told me but he was heartless. It would not have killed him to be with me that night. This is the worst example of other kinds of patterns. It was so cruel, that's how it seemed to me. I saw the darkest part of him. He said he knew it was not right, etc., but would not come back from his apartment about 20 minutes away. I had just finished making chocolate mousse when he called. He left me alone on christmas eve, with a dinner all prepared and ready...And my heart broken. I can't tell you how badly he hurt me. It just felt so awful.

I brought his stuff over to his apartment as he had been staying with me. He said to me, ''thanks for bringing my stuff although I did not ask for it." I said to him, "i guess you are not responsible for anything are you." I have told him he must make a conscious decision to go into recovery (this is a borderline kind of personality thing in my opinion which needs the same kind of treatment as addiction). I tried to get through to him how much he hurt me and how selfish he has become, and that his mood was no excuse for cruelty. I withdrew from the relationship. I urged him to feel his pain instead of remaining numb to it and thereby passing it on to others...

I wanted to ask anyone out there, does anyone know of a situation where someone actually changed, where someone did do the right thing? I have seen this before and I am totally aware that usually this doesn't happen.

Anyone out there want to share a story? I have no intention of seeing him again unless he has committed to recovery. I grieve because despite what happened, when he is not depressed he is just a delightful companion. We have so much in common. This is so sad. I really love him and he just doesn't know how to accept love and return it.

Oh well. Eyes are full here. I've been dating him seven months. He seemed like an answer in my life...Oh well.

Thanks.