As I've sat and read all of these posts, I kept thinking "It could have been ME writing all this!" For over two years I've struggled with trying to understand the roller coaster behaviors of someone I was dating. I NEVER knew which person I'd get.....we might have a completely awesome weekend and I'd be SO happy, thinking things would finally be/stay good between us. Then I wouldn't hear from him for a few days, and when I would, and let him know the silence/distance hurt my feelings after such close times, he'd get angry with ME!, saying I wanted too much and wasn't ever happy with what he gave me! I've been lied to numerous times, cursed at, treated with extreme disrespect, blamed for why things between us don't work....I could go on and on. I was very confident and centered/balanced before I met him. Now I cry all the time and struggle with trying to determine MY self-worth again. He's dumped me and come back again, with all the "right" words, so many times over the last 2 yrs. Yes, I'd believe him and take him back because I loved him, but his actions NEVER matched the words...it's like he can't sustain the good, nice, loving behaviors, even though he may mean it when he says it. I've been married before and have children, both of which he's never done yet. I also have advanced degrees in psych. and counseling. So I thought I could help him....show him what it's like to be loved and accepted for exactly who he is now. But instead, I'm ending up a basket case, feeling so devalued by the disrespectful comments and behaviors, him ignoring what I need or how I feel, him turning everything around on me..making it all MY fault, him never being wrong or apologizing or trying to do better, telling me he loves me one week and then dumping me the next. It just goes on and on....and yes, I let it, by taking him back. Although I love him very much and DO accept him just as he is, I don't know if/how I can keep doing this. I can't let myself be destroyed in the process. Reading all of these posts, though, helped me to really see that the problem isn't me, like I'd begun to believe.

oliver2
The fact that he has revealed to you confidential & personal medical matters is a positive.
The majority of bipolars lead completely normal lives when properly medicating.
The trouble usually starts when things go off the rails with medications and when mixed with other life complications, what happens? - turmoil.
Seems to me you have a sensible and rational (long-term) guy here.

I have a bipolar boyfriend as well. What I did at the beginning of the relationship, and after careful research and reading what ladies such as yourself had to say, was make a list of things I could absolutely not tolerate. I now have something solid and concrete in my mind and in writing which gives me a clearly drawn line of what behaviors I feel have crossed the line.
If my boyfriend were to display these behaviors, for my own self-preservation and sense of self-worth I would have to end the relationship, despite caring for him deeply.

Ask yourself what will bring you the least amount of pain: staying with a guy who does not make you feel wanted and worthwhile, drawing out the pain and anguish indefinitely, or ending it with him and have the pain of losing him be short-term? Yeah it'll hurt a hell of a lot...but staying with him will slowly erode away the essence of who you are and what you aspire to be, which is a healthy, confident and assured woman.

I'll share with you my own list. Yours may be differ...we all have our individual thresholds of what we can and will tolerate. If you and your bf/spouse are openly communicative about his illness you can share the list with him. I shared it with mine and he was so grateful. It made him feel as if I genuinely want to give us a shot, and I do! Keep it to yourself if you don't feel comfortable talking to him about it. Tuck it away where you can take it out and go over it now and then. After all, this list is for you and your emotional well-being.

Common or frequent episodes of:
o verbal abuse
o manipulation or attempts at manipulation
o dishonesty
o not taking meds (shows he has no interest in helping himself)
o self-destructive behavior (drinking, drugs, other dangerous past times)
o threatening or attempting suicide
o refusal to take responsibility for his own actions
o unfounded/paranoid accusations
o employment instability (out of work for long periods without trying to work)

ANY episode of:
o physical abuse
o infidelity
o arrest for a crime
o verbal threats of physical harm
o gambling all money away or otherwise losing it through impulsive decisions, creating huge financial problems for himself and others
o stealing
o refusing to get help when others around him insist he needs it
o disappearing for days at a time

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

Be the strong woman you were meant to be and take control of the reins. It won't always be easy but after the dust settles you will be so proud of yourself and love who you are.
Don't feel guilty for leaving him if he crosses a line you've drawn. Physical abuse, emotional manipulation, cheating, etc. are NEVER ok. Remember: he is still responsible for his actions.
You cannot help others in this life until you can help yourself.

I was so happy to find this board....

I'm in the same situation... I met my boyfriend when he was on his meds, and with his previous drug habit which he overcame.... he was having problems getting medications he needed, and left his doctor feeling ashamed for once having a problem and overcoming it.

i think he was so strong, it kills me that his doctor couldn't see him the same way. he's been a lot and has been bi polar since he was young.... once he ran out of the pills every day is so up and down... i have to walk on eggshells to make sure he doesn't freak. he would never hurt me, he's such an amazing guy and i am so in love with him.

the only time he gets nasty with me, is because he doesnt think i can handle him and that i look at him differently when he goes through his days upon end of hiding in his room and not talking to anyone, thinking im gonna break up with him. but i never get mad, i just try to be there as much as i can for him. he feels guilty and gets mad then at me and apologizes after he calms down. he'll then just break down and cry to me and i just hold him for as long as i can and he'll tell me how happy he is to have me.

i would never leave him because of this, all i can do is just be there for him until he gets back on the meds. and just be there. its a tough disease, they cant do it alone.

thank you for all of your posts. helped me realize how common this is, and that im not the only one who doesnt give up on something amazing regardless of what happens

I am on Seroquel 600 miligrams and 1200 miligrams of Lithium I am married but unfortunatley I no longer have a sex drive and there are no emotions towards anything. I looked up both medications and they both cause my symptoms. My wife says I can beat the medication but how can I when I feel nothing and have no sex drive. Is it possible. I see the doctor on the 15th and i want to get of the Seroquel.

Hi everyone. . . ive been with my man for 1 1/2 years (engaged for 6months). over the time ive been with him ive noticed the extreme mood swings and erational decisions he's made in a manic moment. usually he'll have a manic moment (and in his case i think its hypo manic) then he'll come back down then straight into depression. where he realises what he's said/done which was soooo extreme and usually nasty towards me, was totally out of order. then he'll become very apologetic, feelings of guilt and worthlessness. as a grown man he'll get himself so upset he crys (its breaks my heart). the moods are so extreme and define. ive noticed its not completely normal, but ive always let it go. his dad passed away when he was 19. he watched his dad fight with cancer for 4 years. i think this hugely stressful period has made or had some part in making him bipolar. id never heard about bipolar in my life, until he told me last night. he'd had an episode last night and when he came out of it, he told me he's thought he's had bipolar for a while. he knows when he's having a manic episode, but cant stop it. im the first person he's told, and he's asked me not to tell anyone. i promised him i wouldnt, but i think i need to realease how im feeling. i love him more than life itself, but its hard to think that he, i and we will be affected by this for the rest of our lives. and what about when we want children?! are they going to have to deal with it? my fiance knows he has something wrong, he says he can feel it inside. i can be supportive and loving and will help through all i can, ive done it for the last 1 1/2 years and managed ok (its been really stressful at times). im still young (22) and have lots of energy for him. will he help himself though? he says he doesnt want to take medication. . . what if it gets worse, and he cant control it and i cant help him? what about our kids? staying with him is a risk, but you know love concors all. . . he's my soulmate. through sickness and health, for better for worse.

I am dating a bipolar guy, we've only been dating for three weeks, but we've been really close friends for the last 6 months, so close that most people did assume we were dating. He was up front about the bipolar when we first met, he has shared a lot with me, and I've done a lot of research trying to understand. He's on alternative perscriptions, a bunch of different vitamins and supplements that he claims do make him feel better as long as he takes them and is eating right. He doesn't hurt me, yell at me, or call me names, he avoids me when he's in one of those types of episodes. Which one part of me appreciates, you know, that he won't put me through that, but when he ignores me for days on end I tend to fall into a depression.
It's weird because he didn't really do this before, for a couple days he'd stay in solitude before we were dating, but we'd see each other soon after, we saw each other almost every day, he'd tell me what happened, how he was feeling. But I think that out of the three weeks we've been official we've hung out a total of four days, and I've felt three out of four of those days that he felt like he was being forced to hang out with me. And I don't know if it's just the worst episode he's had since we've met, or if the idea of being in a relationship mixed with his disease is making him avoid me. He's never had a real life relationship before, he had a long distance girlfriend who he had never met and they dated for over a year.
I have a hard time telling him that I feel like crap when he avoids me and ignores me because I'm not sure if that's like saying "get over your disease, gosh!" I'm not sure if I should wait until he's feelings better to talk to him about it, or if I should talk to him now, or if I should try to resign myself to accepting that as part of his disease, or if I should just walk away from a guy who has become my best friend.
I don't know if that in signing myself up for a relationship with a guy I knew was bipolar I have the right to complain about not getting the attention I'd like to have. I do care about him, but I've got to care about myself too, right? Will talking to him about it make any difference?

Um, hi, I found it comforting to know I'm not the only person in the world in this sort of situation.
I need help.
I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years and I love him. For the first year I had no clue he was bipolar, he knew but never told me.
During this time he has been very verbally abusive with me, he threatens to leave (but never does), then he proceeds to talk about buying a house together, I have no idea if I'm coming or goin gor what he wants from me. He accuses me of doing and saying things that I've never done, it's gotten to the point where I just agree with im so he won't argue (notice I said "he") as I try never to argue. He gets this "look" in his eys, I can't explain it.. but it is almost a "crazed" sort of look and I know not to say or do anything that may make it worse. It's scary.
I love him and would do anything for him, but at this point I don't know what to do anymore. The horrible things he has said to me about me all this time has really gotten to me, so much that I may need some counceling to get thru.
Seriously confused. When he's up it's awesome, when hes' down (which is more and more it seems) it's really frightening.

At first it was the best thing I had ever experienced. I was very reluctant to get involved after many previous heartaches.He liked me-a lot,but I demanded to just be friends.I told him whatever you do don't fall in love with me.That didn't last very long.I just felt myself falling and falling deeper in love wtih this weel-mannered, kind-hearted, well-built creature.His every move was calculated.He woke at the same time everyday.If not he freaked out. He was a fly by the seat of his pants kinda guy. He would tell me he was coming over, two hours later still a no-show.When I asked him about it he told me he doesnt live on a time schedule.He comes and goes as he pleases.We planned to go see a movie one night.While I was getting ready he fell asleep-he did this very often- on my bed.When I was ready i woke him-big mistake.He yelled at me freaked out and said he wasn't going to any movie and this is exaclty why he never makes plans because they dont' work out.He wouldn't let them work out. He was the worst as far as saying very strange cruel, and harmful toward others comments when he awoke in the middle of hte night or if he fell asleep on accident or if he overslept.One of his friends called and woke him up and he shut off his phone followed by He needs to be shot in the face.He needs to die. I never said a word.Except are you mad at me.No, he was never mad at me, just became weird toward me.started pulling away.not staying the night anymore.not calling or texting.We had the best sex of my life and that stopped too.On a sunday we went to walmart and he was acting different. I was terrified he was about to split.I asked him are you? Oh no, never.I cried please dont leave me, do you promise me you wont leave me. I promise and swear on everything, my mind just isnn't right thats all.I just don't feel right, I feel weird, I dn't feel comfortable at your house , at my house, anywhere.Then he would talk about dying. and how that would be the best day of everyone's life if he was to die. Iwould tell him no, that would be the worst day of my life.Monday night @ 11:00p.m. I called him b/c I hadn't heard from him sonce the night before-Sunday(the walmart talk).He didn't answer so I left a short message.Then it happened, I got a text saying I can't do this anymore.I can't bring you down with me.And it's been down hill ever since. I read through all the posts on this site lastnight b/c he was texting telling me he felt so bad and wanted to kill himself and I got the strength up to take him his things this a.m. He won't answer my calls so I just showed up at his work. I couldn't hold the tears back. I asked him if he just didn't want to be with me, was I not right for him or what. He said no I just can't be with anybody unti this manic phase in my mind goes away.I encouraged him to seek help and get back on meds or talk to someone, but he refused and said meds made him feel worse. I';m writing on the post to ask How can I get him back? Should I keep trying,should I give up? Should I try to be his "friend" which is very hard to do considering our past sexual relationship-I don't know how to just be his firend.Should I keep calling him? He says he will call me back but never does.I asked him why today. He said b/c I don't know what to say.He says his mind is mush.Please help me...I Love Him. He is someone that I would marry. If I know how to talk to him and deal with him when he's like this maybe it can work.Is there anybody out there...

Similar Situation for me , I had been dating this guy for 4 months and it has been bizarre episode after bizarre episode, He sees a psychiatrist , but tells me he was not diagnosed with bipolar just depressive disorder, but ever since i met him he would one minute be loving me and wanting to be with me forever, then not even wanting me around, stating "he wouldn't be good company" He takes seroquel right now , which i thought was primarily for bpd , but he says its for insomnia, We have gotten in numerous arguments over stupid little things, like for instance, in a conversation we where having , i said i didnt support men, and he got mad and wouldnt talk to me for a day so when i confronted him about it he said he didnt care and ten minutes later he was texting me saying , why are u soo mean to me? Then later he was apologizing saying he gets depressed and doesnt want people around sometimes. Stuff like this has been going on since day one and in our last and final argument, I found out i was pregnant , but i decided to get an abortion and he didnt like that, so he called me a baby killer and started harrassing me calling me the worst names possible , calling me fat and ugly and that i was the ugliest girl hed ever been with, but just a week before that i was the love of his life, Im very sad, but relieved at the same time because this whole relationship has been nothing but severe stress.

My bipolar partner and I recently split up. He ended our relationship and I do not know what the future holds for both of us. What I do know is that we still love each other more than anything. Dont end the relationship--because it will only become harder from that point on. It is not easy, but we all do "crazy" things for love. Love is a good and bad thing, so find the joy and remember those times when times get rough. Make sure he takes his meds and that he gets help on a weekly basis until he is stable. It will never be easy, but he has to meet you half way--and there are no exceptions to that rule. Even if you are bipolar you have to do what you can to stay stable--BPD is not an excuse; and as harsh as that sounds--it is true. I was lucky that my partner knew that and was so amazing. And yes it was hard and we had our problems, and us breaking up was not because I held high standards, but because he felt bad putting me through all of this.

im so happy there are other women out there who face the same abuse as me. i have been with my bipolar boyfriend for 8 months now. i love him so much but i kind of feel bad for him, although i know i shouldnt. all my friends say that i can do so much better, because honestly, im a pretty and intelligent young girl and hes smart but not exactly that great looking. i sometimes find myself wishing i was with someone "normal" but when im with him im happy. we've been through a lot together, ive had to leave my house at 2am with our close friends to keep him from committing suicide. hes very manipulative of my feelings, i cannot accuse him of anything. yet i always seem to f up? i know im an amazing, loving girlfriend. when hes good, its really good..but when its bad..its horrible. hes done some really messed up things, it sucks. BUT i love him..so im stuck.

i pray for you all.

You are not stuck. I was in a relationship for 9 months and I had to make a decision. I you are always having thoughts of can I do this, or I can do better, or this cant go on forever, then this is not the relationship for you. (Keep in mind I am not talking about a relationship with someone who is bipolar, but I am talking about relationships in general) "The good out weigh the bad" is something many people say, but that does not meant the bad do not suck. People who have BPD can live fairly normals lives if they want too, the thing is that they have to want too. I recommend that if you are happy and don't ever second guess yourself, then yes stay with your partner, but if you second guess yourself and can be very unhappy at times, then it is time to move on.

Hey guys, isn't this disorder that thing wherein when your happy, you express it as if you are really happy, then when you're sad it's kinda like the world's gonna end in a few seconds.

If there was an "Idiots guide to bipolar disorder" then yes... NOT that you are an fool--I'm just trying to sum it up for you. It is when someone goes through mood swings form mania to depression or Base line to mania, or base line to depression. The disease is very divers and no two cases are a like but it is a mood disorder. Some are much more sever than others. This is also a "lame" definition for the disease but one that should help you understand it better.

Well since you've known him for such a short time, it really would be up to you....I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and I love him to death. But him being biopolar is frustrating. one minute we are all lovey dovey the next he starts goin nuts and even hits me and a few minutes later he's acting like it was nothing and apologizing. It is hard. even now i contemplate whether or not if i should stay it really is hard.

Hi, i really need help. My boyfriend has got bipolar, hypocondria and anxiety. Other than that he is perfect, i have never loved someone like i love him. I recently left uni and we both decided to stay together because it was too painful not to be. He is now 3 hours away, yesterday i went down to see him..things have been a bit tense recently as he is going through a real low point, so low that after years and years of dealing with it alone he has gone to the doctors who has said some pretty scary things to him. When i saw him yesterday i went there with the intention of staying with him and just sorting out some of our differences, but when we started talking he said that he couldnt hurt me anymore, he said i was perfect and that he loved me but he couldnt hurt the person he cared most about anymore, he wants to leave uni and go somewhere new in the middle of nowhere and start again. When he said this i was heart broken, i feel numb. He said he needs to be alone and sort out his head, hes going to start therapy and in at most a month we will meet up again and we will decide what to do. But i feel he is going to say its not going to work, he will say that he loves me but i deserve better (another heart breaking quote from him) but i know all i will want is to be reunited with the boy i consider my soul mate. I feel like screaming and staying alone now just to wait for him, i cant cope with remembering him kissing me goodbye and telling me he loved me yesterday. His head is battling with his body and his wants, i just dont know what to do. The smallest bit of help would be much appreciated.

Wow....I'm so thankful I'm not the only one dealing with this! I just ended a three year relationship with my boyfriend with BD(tonight). The first year was absolute bliss...and I honestly didn't even find out about his disorder until a few months into our relationship. Once I found out, I was extra careful to better understand the disorder and do my best to be there for him. Well....these last two years have been utter hell. He has gone through quite a few different medications...and currently takes Lithium(when he wants) He claims that the dose is so small that he doesn't really need to take it, so he will randomly take the medicine when he feels the need. This just causes him to have crazy mood swings. At first his outbursts would be yelling and then crying and talking about how worthless he is.. then it turned into breaking things....then eventually it turned into him physically hurting me. I love him so much that I of course would forgive him for any physical or mental pain he caused. In fact, I never mention any of his problems to anyone mainly to protect his reputation. He has an amazing job and family. But he has such a dark side it is scary. I always feel guilty and sad for him cause he brings up how he wishes he was never born or how he doesn't understand why God would let this happen to him. He even turns suicidal or turns to alcohol to ease his stress. Not to mention the fact that he would be super loving and affectionate one day which I LOVED, and the next day be non emotional, withdrawn, and cold hearted. Those ups and downs would ruin me. Plus...he has anxiety and can't stand attention drawn to him. So if I was talking to loud or something that brought attention in public, he would immediately put me down and quickly shut me up. Which confused me most of the time since there would not be one person paying any attention to us. I'm so lost right now...and I feel so emotionally drained...I just wonder if there is any place for us to go and seek some help to repair our confidence and life. I don't even know how anymore.

I'm just going to start off saying, be prepared.

If you are in a relationship with anyone who is bipolar, be prepared. It's not an easy trip.

Just be understanding and non-confrontational, or the arguments will be huge...

In the middle of an argument, just try to be as calm as possible.

Don't bring up the fact they're bipolar and don't call them names. Don't call them immature or stupid when they're having an episode. That Won't Help AT ALL...

Just be prepared. I, myself, am bipolar and try to control my thoughts, actions, etc as much as possible and it's quite impossible to be in full control all the time, whether on the medications or not.

It's a chemical imbalance in the brain, so actions, words, thoughts, feelings are clearly out of anyone's hands during an episode.

All I can say is, it's a bumpy ride so be prepared.

I had a boyfriend who has a bipolar. We broke up, because he acts out when he gets upset, I mean really bad. He gets very violent emotionally and phisically to me. However, he always has an excuse or two, and always blames me. He tells me that I am the cause for everuthing. He cheated on me numerous time. He cannnot keep a job, because he ends up arguing with co-workers. I just want to tell people, it is a commitment to stick with a guy with mental problem. If, IF you think it is affecting your heart and soul in bad way, PICK YOURSELF. FOLLOW YOUR INSTINCT. CHOOSE YOU.