Hi krista,
I know and understand your fear. It is an over whelming illness, I know that for sure, you are born with it, it is genetically predisposed, runs in families, as such. You can show symptoms at an early age as you know. I was four years old when I first tried to kill myself. Electrocution is good, if someone is not there to save you. I say that with tongue in cheek. I am leslie and old enough to be your mother and hopefully to make you feel comfortable, advocated for children's rights for almost 30 years. While seriously mentally ill, look back now and think what a nut I was! Wouldn't change a minute of it.Anyway, one suggestion I have is to look for a mental health clinic in your area. Usually listed in the county section of government services. You pay on a sliding scale. I pay $6.00 a visit. If no luck call your state education department because they have the job of licsensing people who have or do anything like that and maybe able to give you the name of a center in your area. Second, if you need someone to vent with or offer you emotional support. I am a 59 year old female, widowed, live with my disabled sons, and know what it is like to feel alone. Believe me you are not.
My best, hold on
leslie

It was nice to see a reply. It made me feel like someone cares. I don't even have anyone in my life that has bipolar and ther is no one who gets it. People say they understand but then act as if I should deal with problems the way they do, by thinking positively and getting out more. Oh, brother. So thank you for taking time to respond. It's almost hard to believe that so many people feel the way I do but I feel so alone anyway! I wish I knew more people who could relate. Do you think group therapy is a good idea? I've heard contrasting views. Some feel it's wonderful, others feel that they feed off one another's sickness and think about it more. Any opinion? At any rate, I will look into the program you suggested. It's sad people who are mentally ill just suffer and suffer for years and no one helps them because their is just no money. It's really sick when you think about it. Also makes you feel out of control. What medications do you take and do they help you more thatn others you've tried if so? I'm just at a loss with that. Thanks again,krista

Krista,
hi got or saw your reply and don't feel alone. I say that and think about how I describe to others the feeling of depression. I tell them it is like being in a box with the tiniest light ttttthere to see. You spend all of your time trying to catch up with it, only to get cose and find that the light has gone out. Do try to find a clinic, they really can be staffed by competent people. If you are truly bi-polar you should be on some kind of meds. Yes they can have serious side effects and require blood work to be done to check it's level but it is better than feeling so bad all the time. When you have time also find a good pharmacist who will always answer all your questions, even if you think they are stupid. They are not when it concerns your health. Always ask the psychiatrist questions too. What are long term effects, what drugs interact with this one, should I drink lots of water, do I take it the same day, remember that contrary to public opinion, they are not like dope or other related products. They are not addictive, a drug is not addictive just because you take it everyday, taking this kind of medicine is like taking meds for high blood pressure, when you stop, the problem reappears. Understand the difference? Any questions email me the regular way not thru ehealth forum as I picked up viruses from the board. Love you and am thinking of you,
leslie

Hey, thanks for the reply. The thing is, I am taking a new medication that is all natural because i've tried others over the past 10 years. I've actually rarely been without meds and the only time i've gone off of them is because I took myself off them... That has had drastic results. When I was 16 I stopped all my meds abruptly and actually had a series of psychotic episodes and have had other similiar experiences since. So I know that I must take something or cannot live and function, neither can my husband who loves me very much i'm sure (actually convinced that someone can love me after 3 years!) so I know I must also worry about him and my 2 year old. It's so hard to take medication. I feel so unlike myself and sometimes different ones have taken away my emotions. Like right now I take serenity and it actually takes the edge off my depression and it also contains lithium but I notice that I experience mania frequently, although it feels different somehow... It makes it easier for me to be emotionless and cold.. Although I can feel for people on tv or someone removed from me, but feel no empathy for people in my real life.. I hate that because I am not evil! But I know I must take meds. I also play piano and feel that when I have taken meds for extended periods i'm not as creative which makes me very empty feeling. Like it's there, but somehow i'm unable to express it. All this is just me talking, i'm not giving excuses for not taking medication. I just wonder... Who am I if I take medication that actually works? What am I like? Isn't this me? It's the lonliest feeling in the world to feel like you don't even know yourself and what you thought was real and deep and insightful seems unreal and nonsensical and just weird a week later. But in a way I miss it. I don't want to be just another uncreative normal non-understanding, shallow person. Wow. Is that really what I think it would be like to be well? It just hurts, you know? To think of what you do like about yourself and to consider it a part of your sickness. I just feel so sad about that. I can't tell you how sad and removed I feel from the world when I think of that. I have pretty much isolated myself from everyone but my mom and husband and little boy. Life is so much easier without friends at this point, you know what I mean? I'm so scared to get better. There are other things in life too that I should deal with from my past. I mean, I do deal with them and think about them, but I never move forward emotionally, always always thinking of the past. It's like everyone and everything goes on and changes and moves forward but me. That makes me feel lonlier. Anything sound familiar in my ramblings? I will for the sake of my kid (and me?) take your advice. I didn't think of asking a pharmecist about meds. I've always just taken what people have given me and suffered! I also will look into the special programs mentioned in the last reply tomorrow. I was actually a part od one my mom found out about for a year! I missed one appointment and they kicked me out of the program! I was shocked! They basically just turned me out into the street without a doctor. They didn't care at all , so I hope I find a place that is discounted but still views you as a person and wants to help. Thank you... I don't know why I didn't start talking to a group like this earlier. You wouldn't believe how weird it is to think someone actually understands. I am the only person I know like this. It sucks! Even though I don't wish bipolar on someone just to relate to them.. You know what I mean. Keep writing!

Hi krista, listen to me, everytime I open up a reply from ehealth forum my norton virus protection box comes on and shows that I have picked up several viruses including trojan and bloodhound. Please email me through my regular email not through the ehealth forum board. I spent 8 hours running my anti virus program yesterday and going to have to do something now. Just had all new parts put in, thank god for extended warranties, also had to buy a new printer. I want to give you the support you need but not through this board. Also suggest very strongly that you test your computer for adware threats and viruses also. Okay?
Praying for you and lots of love les

Hello ladies. I'm a 40yr. Old female, married with a 16yr. Old son. I was dx with bi-polar officially 10yrs. Ago . I say officially because now that I have educated myself on this illness, I can see a life long pattern. The "hyper" kid who would play till i'd drop (then usually "down " for a few weeks at a time. My highs and lows were pretty much balanced , but became more increasingly one sided for longer periods of time. It's been difficult finding the "perfect" combination of medications, and of course even then you are always re-adjusting. One thing I find which for me is difficult that there is such a stigma with this sort of illness. "mental illness"--most people don't understand that it is just that--an illness that no one whishes for, just like diabetes, ms etc. Over the years, along with counselling--learning to self identify my moods, and the changes, i'll give (or he'll take if he notices first) my husband my credit cards, as I have already put my family in financial distress, and I won't drive the car ,as my foot becomes a little heavier.. I have a tendency to be more depressive for longer periods than my manic epesoids. Mania is unbelievable, and only one who experiences it can truly understand what I mean. The enery you feel, I mean the inner energy that you can't seem to get rid of. I know that regular monitoring of your medications is so important, and I was told to keep a journal to help me learn to identify my moods and their symptoms. Litium was also one medication that I had a very hard time with. I found that I cycled more --my body just didn't process this med. Well at all. My medication profile was then comprised with 3 doctors first my psychiatrist, family md and a neurologist (as I was starting to have problems with really bad migranies at onset of a manic episode). The profile i'm now on is val poric acid 250mg. In am -dinner, and at bedtime (anti seizure med-also used to treat migraines)(the neurologist states that there are studies to prove that migraines are a form of a seizure and will slow down the chemical charges, therefore useful for bi-polar) I call them my downers, second I take effexor 75mg. In am(antidepessant, therefore my upper)and I also take seroqual 200mg. At bedtime (this med is new --antipsyhcotic to help with hypermania, this dose is taken at bedtime because it is a sedative, i'm not always on the last med. Just when mania becomes uncontrollable. Litium medicaton was the worst experienced med for me. Something for you to think about. Just know that there are so many of "us" here together to help and share. I know it's fortunate for me from some of the letters that i've read. Here in canada we do have a pretty good health care system to aid in mental health issuses. L would like to believe that there must be some kind of aid service to help with $ for meds, and md (or am I wrong. Best of luck. I'll keep watch for you online.

Krista,
hang in there it can be a frustrating road. Hope you had a good xmas and want to wish you and yours a very healthy, happy, and wonderful new year.
God bless and may he find peace for you with your illness.
Love les

Hi krista l.
I don't know much about bi-polar but if need be,you should go straight to the hospital for help! Don't waste anymore time on the what if's.Don't be too worried what family thinks of you cause if they love you,they'll understand.You are not hopeless.You are still on earth for a reason,don't ya think:) you have a husband and a son who need a wife/mommy by their side:) no one else can take the place of a mother! So....Go get the right advice and right meds. Have a nice day,and smile:) roxanne.

Girl let me tell you....I am 25 married and have a kid. I suffer many of the syptoms you suffer.....My biggest fear is losing my voice as I am a singer. There must be something..Medicade....Social security something you can do to get a proper diagnosis and meds. You can't self medicate but why tell you something you already know. I will tell you that I am unable to work because I can not seem to get the proper med dosage so I am working with social security to get on disability because we can not survive as a one income family and I can not garuntee the job market that I am going to be able to get movong and come into work or be able to control the mood swings if a customer piwsses me off (trust me lost a job over that one a few years ago). There is always a way. If you ever need anyone to talk to please feel free to email me. I would actually love to get to know you more...You sound alot like me. I am available most of the time...Like I said I don't work. If you feel you are going off the deep end please feel free to message me on yahoo messsenger with the same screen name...I will be here to takl you down.