I'm sitting in front of the computer right
now, thinking about what i'm going to do
with my life. I want to have someone to
talk to, but I just don't think my family
or friends would understand me. Today I
managed not to binge and purge, i'm happy
that I didn't, but i'm so worried too, I
feel like i'm gaining weight because I
didn't do that. Today I looked at the
mirror, and looked at my tooth...I know
it's because of what I did..I'm so
scared..I have a toothache right now, but
I don't want to go see the dentist cuz I
know they'd find out what i've been doing.
Sometimes, I really wanna tell my mom
about this, but I just dont' have the
courage, cuz I know exactly how she'd
react to this. Actually maybe like 5
years ago, they found out one time that I
was puking in the bathroom after dinner,
they got really mad at me. And it stopped
for a while, and it just came right back
last year...I tried to tell my boyfriend
about it..But I think he thinks that i'm
crazy...He's being supportive but I just
don't think he understands what this is
about.
I mean you won't understand if you haven't
been in the same situation. Last week I
did really bad, cuz the b/p cycle won't
stop....I did that almost everyday last
week. I mean I felt like I did it
intentionally..I'm fully aware of that and
I actually planned all that out..I feel
like i'm really stupid and on one hand, I
wanna stop, but on the other hand..I was
planning all these..... I've read a lot
about bulimia....They're not really afraid
of gaining weight..It's something
else...It has something to do with their
childhood, their relationship with their
families....I think it's true too...I
tried to get help, but I dont know how...I
went to talk to the counselor one time,
she said she'd give me a number to call,
but she didn't yet, I guess she forgot
about it....And now I don't feel like
getting help, cuz i'm scare that once I
stop binging and purging..I'll gain weight
easily..I don't want to gain weight..I
hate it when people laugh at me......I
lost 45 lbs starting from last summer....I
mean i'm not obese or anything...But I
just wish i'm a little skinnier....I just
want to be happy...And being thin will
make me really happy....
What should I do? I don't want people to
tell me...Oh you need help....I know I
do..But I just don't want it....
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serious_me
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 15 Dec 2004 Posts: 3 Location: californa
Its Not Over Posted: 12-15-04 13:45pm
Evry 1 wants to be skinny maybe even a
little skinyerbut no1 is perfect and maybe
u should give ur self a lil diet I now it
sounds like thatsnot gonna help but if
utell ur self thta ur gona loose weight
its the first step to doing so no 1
learend how to walk in 1 day it takes time
the steps you take should be smaller ur
not gonna be skinny from just pucking ur
still gonna think u need to loose weight
even if r u alredy skinny its not good for
your mind and ur heart good luck
-shelley
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OutsideSizes
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Nov 2004 Posts: 22 Location: NYC
Skinny Does Not = Happy Posted: 12-15-04 21:16pm
Hey,
i'm not bulimic, I mean, I have tried it
but i'm too anal to deal with puke lol,
but I am starting to seriously think i'm
anorexic.
I always had a problem with food- like a
love/hate relationship with it. I have
yo-yoed like crazy weight wise since I was
like 10 yrs old, b/c I have a natural
tendency to be a lil overweight. But my
diets were never too extreme, I mean I
would restrict, but not too badly, and
eventually i'd start eating crap again,
gain it all back and over and over and
over.
The thing is, i've become sooo scared of
food and weightgain that I now abuse pills
like adderall and various diet pills,
mainly to keep myself from eating. I
weighed about 150 lbs in feburary and now
I weigh 105. Everyone tells me I look
sick, im losing hair, my nails and skin
are so dry, and I can barely walk a flight
of stairs! I'm totally miserable and
unhealthy and its really screwing with my
head and my nervous system. Yesterday I
had a piece of cheese in the morning and
puked it up as I was driving cuz my body
couldn't hold it down.
The point is, just b/c im skinny now, I am
not happy at all! I want to keep losing
weight, even though there isnt much to
lose, and I am even more disgusted with
myself now when I look in the mirror then
when I weighed 45 lbs more.
I dont have any solutions or lectures to
give, just wanted to tell u not to expect
it all to result in happiness. It won't.
