Hello everyone. I am new here and desperately need help right now.

I'm 20 years old and was born hiv , was orphaned by aids by the age of ten, and was just recently dianosed with bipolar disorder. I've been having a really hard time for the last few months and just a few days ago my whole world caved in.

My boyfriend and I were together for 2 years and I love him deeply. Well, one night I was doing really bad and was very suicidal. I was on the phone talking with him trying to feel better and he just didn't understand. I was in such a bad state of mind that I broke up with him. Really stupid I know.

Well, I wised up of course and tried to call him for two days and he wouldn't return my calls. Finally he called me and said that he couldn't do this anymore. That he couldn't handle a relationship. I know it's because i'm so hard to deal with. Hell, I hate myself a lot of the time, I can't expect him to want to be there.

But anyway, I have been devestated ever since. I've cut myself multiple times and I can't stop crying. I understand and respect what he wants because I just want him to be happy, but I know I ruined things and I just can't handle it. I don't know how to deal with these emotions. I just want us to be back together and for me to get healthy.

I know if he'd give me a chance I can get better and we can do wonderfully together. I just had my first therapy session last thursday and i'm really trying to get my life together. Not just because I need to do it for my own sanity, but because I love him and I want to be with him and happy.

I just wish he'd give me a chance to get better. I feel like if he's stayed with me through these last two years (which have been the hardest of my life) I don't understand why he'd leave now when i'm trying to get better...

Anyway, my questions are, how do I deal with the heartbreak? And how do I fix this relationship? I know I can't force him into anything, but I just want him to believe that I can get through this and learn to live with this disorder.

Any advice is extremely appreciated. Thank you.