Why Me? I Hate This Crap

So something bad happened to me. I am not hurt physically, or mentally, or emotionally (i think) at least not yet. What is love? I really donÂ’t know the answer to that. But I think I stepped in it, and got it all over my shoe. ItÂ’s like gum I think, only stickier. Her name (thank god itÂ’s a her) is *edited*. I have never been more wholly attracted to someone before in my entire life. I think I am in love with her, but I canÂ’t really tell for certain. I love spending time with her. I love her smile, her eyes, her laugh. I love her sense of humour, her intelligence. SheÂ’s pretty hot tooÂ…ummm not that that matters *eyes shift* but yeah. She is incredibly nice and kind and good. She makes me smile, just the thought of her.

I think iÂ’m going insane. I think about her a lot, so much so that iÂ’m writing this very document. I donÂ’t think iÂ’m obsessed with her, but it almost seems like that. Even iÂ’m a little creeped out by the situation and thatÂ’s one of the reasons I talk to no one. WeÂ’ve spent a lot of time together and the more time I spend with her, the more time I want to spend with her. ItÂ’s like a vicious little cycle.

I feel a connection to her, like a kindred spirit thing perhaps I really don’t know. I’ve never felt this way about anyone. This has never happened before. She seems to like me, at least to some extent. I’ve never had anyone seem to want to spend time with me before, I don’t know why she does, but she does. She doesn’t like me, but she does. I really don’t get it. I tried to talk to her about my feelings and sought what she felt her response didn’t exactly thrill me. She doesn’t know how she felt and she was not looking for a relationship. I don’t know how many times i’ve reflected on that. The conclusion that i’ve come to is that she doesn’t have feelings for me other than friendship, and she wanted me to back off. That was several months ago, i’ve tried to stay low key. I haven’t called her, haven’t tried to invite her to any outings/ any more dates. That’s another thing, when she realized we had sort of been dating she got freaked out, but I wasn’t trying to be subversive or anything! … a little frustrating. She still seems to want to do stuff with me, and she still talks to me on the msn messenger doohickey, almost everyday that. We’ve done three things together since our little “talk” there has been a slight change in tone, in the last two times at least, but I think that is likely mostly from my end.

Anyway my dilemma is that I have no idea what to do. I care about her, I truly do. I can have her in my life, but only as a friend, but instead of my feelings going away they seem to be intensifying, this could be bad for me I think. Alternatively I could cut her out of my life altogether, but I don’t want to do that. I can’t talk to her again about “us”. I don’t want to be one of those guys that can’t take no for an answer, but I just feel so, compelled. I want her to be a part of my life, and I want to be a part of her life. Our friendship survived one attempted conversion into something else, I don’t know if it would survive another.

YeahÂ… oops iÂ’m smiling againÂ… grrr, iÂ’ve got to stop that.